Monthly Archives: May 2022

Forgiveness, there is so much wrapped up in that one little word. It is not easy to do, but it is essential! It is hard because the need to forgive is often necessitated by a wound, a hurt, or a traumatic event. These wounds and hurts make it hard to take steps toward forgiveness.

Like many, I have had to navigate the need for forgiveness in my life. My life would be radically different without forgiving those who have hurt me. I have faced rejection, abuse, false accusations, and pressure from some for not doing enough or not being enough. While I have forgiven these acts, I am by no means a poster child for forgiveness, as there are still things I am working through. Some hurts run deep and tend to raise their head at times!

One area of forgiveness I want to touch on today is spiritual abuse and trauma. Spiritual abuse and trauma can be complex to overcome. The spiritual damage done can be more complicated because there is often a connection between our understanding of God, the Church, and leadership. Leaders stand in a position to be “God’s spokesperson.” These leaders establish rules and doctrinal positions. Leaders are supposed to do this, but these rules are often used to control others and empower leaders in unhealthy ways.  

I have read or listened to many stories from those wounded and hurt by spiritual leaders. They have faced spiritual trauma, which resulted in a crisis of faith. Before I am excoriated, I know there are always two sides to every story. I know that some claim to be hurt and wounded by the Church. Often the cause is an unwillingness to address issues in their life. While this is true, I want to address spiritual abuse as it is a genuine phenomenon and experience. We will address the other aspects of spiritual trauma next time.

I have been listening to a podcast about Mars Hill and the rise and fall of the ministry. Mark Driscoll was accused of spiritual abuse, arrogance, and control. Based on the podcast, these accusations were researched, and many were found to be true. It lead to him resigning as the pastor and the church disbanding and reorganizing. In addition, the Southern Baptist Convention has faced allegations that they did not effectively deal with allegations of abuse within their denomination. The investigation was just completed and has affirmed that many in leadership failed to acknowledge and address moral failures. Instead, they attempted to cover these abuses rather than deal with them appropriately.

As I noted in an earlier post, there are many good churches, and there are great leaders who have the heart of God. The purpose of this writing is not to paint with a broad brush but to address the issue of abuse that can occur in churches and other organizations.  The goal is to help people experiencing spiritual trauma come to a place of healing and restoration.

One of the quotes from the podcasts stood out to me. The moderator stated, “Too often, the one causing the abuse is often the one who brings the cure.” This statement was interesting to me. The idea communicated in this quote is that those committing the abuse are often the ones trying to resolve the issues. This statement relates to family, Church, and organizational leadership. But unfortunately, when the one who caused the problems tries to fix the issues, their rhetoric and actions can bring more hurt.

To succeed, they begin to quell any opposition. These leaders will write a narrative that makes them the hero. The narrative will make them the victim, and they will be the one who has been hurt in the process. They will draw on sympathy by communicating the long hours they spend resolving the issues, and how discouraged they are by the events. They shift blame to others and do not attempt to take any responsibility for their actions or their part in the problem. They will try to shore up their support through verbal and financial means. They will make promises they do not necessarily intend to keep.

Too often, the real issues are not dealt with but are glossed over and swept under the carpet. As a result, the trauma persists, and many causalities are left in the wake. For that reason, many leave the Church. They experience a crisis of faith and struggle following Christ. They are wounded and hurt and can reject the Church.

When the above happens too often, people leave the Church, and some give up on Christianity altogether. We have heard of some famous Christians who have stated they are deconstructing their faith. I think of Joshua Harris (the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and others. They do this not because the gospel is not true but because men have failed to live out the gospel. Unfortunately, they have been swept up in traumatic events and times of controversy where those in power try to take more control rather than live in the gospel’s truth. As a result, they begin to question their faith and the purpose of the Church.

So what do we do? First, we must walk in forgiveness. As I have said, this is hard, but it is necessary. I have been reading a book called “David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, And the Art of Battling Giants.” In the book, Malcolm Gladwell relates a story about two different people. Both relate to having their children killed by people with difficult pasts. One could not forgive. Their unforgiveness negatively impacted many others. They hurt others because they had not been healed. The other person in the story forgave even though it was challenging. Because they were able to forgive and heal, they are helping others who struggle with problematic pasts and traumatic events. This new life would not be possible without the ability to forgive.

Second, a part of the forgiveness process is to realize that while men have failed, this does not mean that God has failed us. As I noted, this can be very hard because, too often, we see God through our power sources. When these power sources fail us, we feel God has failed us. As a result, people become confused and troubled by the actions of the leaders. But, God has not failed. Men have. He wants to heal and restore you.

Third, it is okay to be angry. When we are hurt, we will experience emotions, and recognizing these emotions is a critical part of the process. Truth begins with understanding our feelings. When we do this, we can pray for God to help us. We can pray for God to position us to forgive. By being honest about our emotions, we can process these emotions. By processing our emotions, we do not allow them to be buried. Burying them will only cause the emotions to come out later and impact us emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Fourth, remember forgiveness is for you. The person who needs your forgiveness may never accept nor recognize their need for forgiveness. When it comes to spiritual abuse and spiritual trauma, the other person most often does not always accept responsibility for their actions. Instead, they shift blame and try to change the narrative to make themselves the victim. Therefore we forgive because it is the right thing. We forgive because God calls us to do so. We forgive because it brings healing to our souls. And, healing our soul brings healing physically and spiritually.

Fifth, I suggest you write a letter! Then wait, wait, and pray. Then decide if you will send it to the person. By the way, I have written many letters that have never been mailed. Writing a letter allows you to express your feelings and pain without judgment or being criticized. Writing may also be in the form of a journal that documents what you are experiencing and the actions you are taking,

Finally, while men might do wrong and lead in unhealthy ways, the Church, big ‘C,’ will live on. The Church cannot and will not be destroyed by the actions of individuals. So do not give up on the Church. While you may need time to heal, God will lead you to the right church. It will be a healthy church. Allow God to heal you, and you will be amazed at where He will lead and what He will do.

My prayer for you is if you feel you have someone you need to forgive, go for it. Don’t worry about if the other person receives it. You may never speak to the person who needs forgiveness because forgiveness is for you, not them.

Forgiveness is hard, but it is possible. Of course, it takes time, as many of the wounds are deep. But, in the end, you will feel better. We will continue our discussion next time. See you next week.

Last week we discussed trauma and the church’s inability to address trauma in healthy ways. This truth does not mean that all churches are bad. On the contrary, many healthy churches and leaders do the right thing. These churches handle trauma in healthy ways. However, for many churches, it means there is a need for more education and training to understand trauma and the process of healing. In addition, it means dealing with toxic pastors and leaders who rule by fear and control for some churches.

While the church is not always prepared to handle trauma, the Bible is replete with traumatic events! Joseph was sold into slavery, falsely accused, forgotten, and had broken promises. David’s sons died. One died as a newborn. The second died from a freaky event (2 Samuel 18). Who can forget the difficulties that Job faced? He lost everything. Dinah and Tamar were raped. Naomi’s husband and sons died in a foreign land. She lost her home, husband, and sons in this strange land. These folks faced traumatic events, and you will, too, at some point. The question is not when but how we will respond to trauma.

When traumatic events happen, several issues must be considered. These would include but are not limited to forgiveness, guilt, shame, fear, and anger. It is critical to point out that we must not negate the emotions one is feeling. When people are facing trauma, there are things we should not say. For example, we should not say, “you should not feel that way.” “You should not be angry, sad, mad, or anxious.” We cannot tell someone what to feel. They feel what they feel.

Doing this can traumatize a person even more because they are dealing with those emotions. Instead of rejecting these emotions and making people feel confused about their emotions, we need to know they are real. I would suggest this is an excellent place to get people to talk about their emotions and how these emotions make them feel. How we respond to people’s emotions can bring healing, or it can drive them deeper into their pain.

Today, we will focus on one element of this process: forgiveness. Because one can experience anger at the person(s) who caused the trauma, forgiveness is a critical issue that must be addressed. Please know that forgiveness is a process, and the person experiencing the trauma may not be ready to forgive. Forgiveness may take time. Sometimes, one’s anger is misplaced, but there is anger! Sometimes the anger is justified in an abusive situation. Their anger could result from a death of a loved one due to another’s actions. Finally, anger can be levied on the person who caused the trauma.

For example, individuals may harbor rage and the desire for revenge against the drunk driver who collided with a minivan and killed an innocent family member. They might be angry at their friend and coworker who committed suicide. They might be angry because things feel out of control. They may blame themselves for not doing more. They may be filled with regrets for waiting too long to take someone to the hospital.

For others, they may be expressing the emotion of shame or guilt. While these are similar, they are different. Guilt is about what we did, and shame is about who we are. We feel guilty about an action we took. We wish we could have done something different!

Conversely shame hits who we are. We did this because there is a flaw in us. Shame comes because we believe we are not good.

Whatever the scenario, anger, guilt, and shame are real. The struggle to forgive others and themselves is just as real. However, to heal, one must let go of the offense and depression through forgiveness, or it will “dominate and contaminate one’s inner emotional life” (Weaver 2003, 44). While we cannot force forgiveness, we can encourage people to move toward forgiving those who have hurt them.

Forgiveness is one of the critical components to discovering meaning and purpose when suffering because of traumatic events. The goal is to heal the heart and mind from the hurt, anger, and hatred associated with the trauma. For that reason, forgiveness is essential to help process trauma.

Forgiveness is a critical healing function, as forgiveness leads to restoration and peace. It leads to a reduction in stress, anxiety, and lowered blood pressure. Through forgiveness, the power of shame, guilt, anxiety, and resentment to control the individual is diminished. The opposite occurs as well. If one does not forgive, relationships will be impacted, and stress levels will be increased. Individuals will focus so much on the past that they struggle to move into a brighter future. It must be noted here that forgiveness does not excuse the other person’s actions but allows the healing process to proceed.

Bonura, a military chaplain and author suggests three steps to forgiveness. First, the individual must recognize the value of forgiveness. Sometimes, when individuals face traumatic events, they can struggle to forgive the person who has committed the action against them But forgive, they must!

Second, the person needing to forgive must consider life without forgiveness and how a lack of forgiveness affects their lives. When dealing with trauma issues, one must consider the need for forgiveness and how walking in forgiveness will bring healing. Forgiving the one who has hurt us is not easy. It can be hard to realize how forgiveness will bring change. Third, the person must be led to forgive as forgiveness is an act of the will. If we wait to feel like forgiving others, we will never forgive (Bonura 2016, 95-106).

Forgiveness is hard, but it is necessary. Why is that? I love the fact that the human body is fearfully and wonderfully made. Scientists and researchers have found that forgiveness can increase serotonin and oxytocin in the body. Conversely, stress shrinks the brain, decreases serotonin levels, and plays a role in almost every disease. Serotonin regulates anxiety, happiness, and mood. It is produced by the nerve cells and is made from the essential amino acid tryptophan. Here is an amazing fact. Psychologists have found that forgiveness balances serotonin levels. Therefore, they suggest a need for forgiveness, as a proper state of forgiveness could positively impact many with depression and mood disorders.  

Forgiveness is one avenue to bring healing to the body. We are reminded that forgiveness is more for us than for others. Forgiveness requires that we consciously decide to reframe our thought processes. Someone has stated that not forgiving others is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. This fact is so true. Forgiveness heals, and a failure to forgive harms us.

Because I am a pastor and chaplain,  I cannot help but close with a passage. “For if you forgive others their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive their trespasses” (Matthew 6:15 ESV). Our healing is tied to forgiveness. Jesus knew that we could not walk in forgiveness if we do not forgive others. It is a reciprocal effect.

Releasing others is a critical function of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that they are released from the responsibility for their actions. As we forgive, healing comes. To be healed, we must step into forgiveness as an act of the will and the heart. If you struggle with forgiveness, speak to someone. Speak to a friend. Speak to a counselor or pastor. Most of all, talk to God, who knows your need, and He knows your heart. Forgiveness is hard, but it is possible, and it is necessary.