Last week we discussed trauma and the church’s inability to address trauma in healthy ways. This truth does not mean that all churches are bad. On the contrary, many healthy churches and leaders do the right thing. These churches handle trauma in healthy ways. However, for many churches, it means there is a need for more education and training to understand trauma and the process of healing. In addition, it means dealing with toxic pastors and leaders who rule by fear and control for some churches.
While the church is not always prepared to handle trauma, the Bible is replete with traumatic events! Joseph was sold into slavery, falsely accused, forgotten, and had broken promises. David’s sons died. One died as a newborn. The second died from a freaky event (2 Samuel 18). Who can forget the difficulties that Job faced? He lost everything. Dinah and Tamar were raped. Naomi’s husband and sons died in a foreign land. She lost her home, husband, and sons in this strange land. These folks faced traumatic events, and you will, too, at some point. The question is not when but how we will respond to trauma.
When traumatic events happen, several issues must be considered. These would include but are not limited to forgiveness, guilt, shame, fear, and anger. It is critical to point out that we must not negate the emotions one is feeling. When people are facing trauma, there are things we should not say. For example, we should not say, “you should not feel that way.” “You should not be angry, sad, mad, or anxious.” We cannot tell someone what to feel. They feel what they feel.
Doing this can traumatize a person even more because they are dealing with those emotions. Instead of rejecting these emotions and making people feel confused about their emotions, we need to know they are real. I would suggest this is an excellent place to get people to talk about their emotions and how these emotions make them feel. How we respond to people’s emotions can bring healing, or it can drive them deeper into their pain.
Today, we will focus on one element of this process: forgiveness. Because one can experience anger at the person(s) who caused the trauma, forgiveness is a critical issue that must be addressed. Please know that forgiveness is a process, and the person experiencing the trauma may not be ready to forgive. Forgiveness may take time. Sometimes, one’s anger is misplaced, but there is anger! Sometimes the anger is justified in an abusive situation. Their anger could result from a death of a loved one due to another’s actions. Finally, anger can be levied on the person who caused the trauma.
For example, individuals may harbor rage and the desire for revenge against the drunk driver who collided with a minivan and killed an innocent family member. They might be angry at their friend and coworker who committed suicide. They might be angry because things feel out of control. They may blame themselves for not doing more. They may be filled with regrets for waiting too long to take someone to the hospital.
For others, they may be expressing the emotion of shame or guilt. While these are similar, they are different. Guilt is about what we did, and shame is about who we are. We feel guilty about an action we took. We wish we could have done something different!
Conversely shame hits who we are. We did this because there is a flaw in us. Shame comes because we believe we are not good.
Whatever the scenario, anger, guilt, and shame are real. The struggle to forgive others and themselves is just as real. However, to heal, one must let go of the offense and depression through forgiveness, or it will “dominate and contaminate one’s inner emotional life” (Weaver 2003, 44). While we cannot force forgiveness, we can encourage people to move toward forgiving those who have hurt them.
Forgiveness is one of the critical components to discovering meaning and purpose when suffering because of traumatic events. The goal is to heal the heart and mind from the hurt, anger, and hatred associated with the trauma. For that reason, forgiveness is essential to help process trauma.
Forgiveness is a critical healing function, as forgiveness leads to restoration and peace. It leads to a reduction in stress, anxiety, and lowered blood pressure. Through forgiveness, the power of shame, guilt, anxiety, and resentment to control the individual is diminished. The opposite occurs as well. If one does not forgive, relationships will be impacted, and stress levels will be increased. Individuals will focus so much on the past that they struggle to move into a brighter future. It must be noted here that forgiveness does not excuse the other person’s actions but allows the healing process to proceed.
Bonura, a military chaplain and author suggests three steps to forgiveness. First, the individual must recognize the value of forgiveness. Sometimes, when individuals face traumatic events, they can struggle to forgive the person who has committed the action against them But forgive, they must!
Second, the person needing to forgive must consider life without forgiveness and how a lack of forgiveness affects their lives. When dealing with trauma issues, one must consider the need for forgiveness and how walking in forgiveness will bring healing. Forgiving the one who has hurt us is not easy. It can be hard to realize how forgiveness will bring change. Third, the person must be led to forgive as forgiveness is an act of the will. If we wait to feel like forgiving others, we will never forgive (Bonura 2016, 95-106).
Forgiveness is hard, but it is necessary. Why is that? I love the fact that the human body is fearfully and wonderfully made. Scientists and researchers have found that forgiveness can increase serotonin and oxytocin in the body. Conversely, stress shrinks the brain, decreases serotonin levels, and plays a role in almost every disease. Serotonin regulates anxiety, happiness, and mood. It is produced by the nerve cells and is made from the essential amino acid tryptophan. Here is an amazing fact. Psychologists have found that forgiveness balances serotonin levels. Therefore, they suggest a need for forgiveness, as a proper state of forgiveness could positively impact many with depression and mood disorders.
Forgiveness is one avenue to bring healing to the body. We are reminded that forgiveness is more for us than for others. Forgiveness requires that we consciously decide to reframe our thought processes. Someone has stated that not forgiving others is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. This fact is so true. Forgiveness heals, and a failure to forgive harms us.
Because I am a pastor and chaplain, I cannot help but close with a passage. “For if you forgive others their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive their trespasses” (Matthew 6:15 ESV). Our healing is tied to forgiveness. Jesus knew that we could not walk in forgiveness if we do not forgive others. It is a reciprocal effect.
Releasing others is a critical function of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that they are released from the responsibility for their actions. As we forgive, healing comes. To be healed, we must step into forgiveness as an act of the will and the heart. If you struggle with forgiveness, speak to someone. Speak to a friend. Speak to a counselor or pastor. Most of all, talk to God, who knows your need, and He knows your heart. Forgiveness is hard, but it is possible, and it is necessary.
Life on the edge 