Monthly Archives: March 2023

March 20, 2023 · 8:16 am

Do You Want to be Healed?

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

In Scripture, one of the stories I love is found in John 5. We see a man who had been paralyzed for 38 years. We do not know why he was paralyzed, but we know he is. Jesus approaches this man and asks him a fascinating question. Do you want to be healed? What a question to ask. The reality of his condition would presume that he would want to be healed.

After all, the man had claimed a spot around the pool. Those around the pool would wait for the water to be stirred, and when the water was stirred, there was medicinal healing at that moment. Those who entered the pool while it was being stirred would be healed. I do not know how that works, but it is a reality of the story. While the question is interesting, his response is also interesting. He answered that when the pool is stirred, he has no one to help him, and others are jumping ahead of him.

As I considered this story, several thoughts came to mind. First was the length of time this man was waiting to be healed at the pool. We know he had been disabled for 38 years, but we are unsure how long he had been at the pool. I also realized that Jesus’s question was more profound than physical healing. Had the man become so used to the physical disability that he accepted it and no longer wanted to change? What about his mental condition? Had he given up? Had he begun to allow his disability to define his life? Was he at a point of hopelessness? Did he even try to enter the pool? Did his disability define him to the degree that he did not know how to live apart from his disability? It is possible that the real question was about wanting to change.

Studies have shown that change in most people does not come until they realize they want to change. For example, the alcoholic will not give up his addiction until he realizes he needs help and has a problem. Likewise, those addicted to porn, drugs, and, yes, even food, for that matter, all need to admit they have a problem and need to change. Developing a helpless outlook on life is easy because of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual conditions.

Sometimes the most significant struggle we can have is the struggle to see that we need help. Jesus saw the big picture. The man had become comfortable with his physical disability. He was living in a comfort zone where he no longer looked for solutions to his problem. Instead, he was waiting on someone else to resolve his issue.

Sometimes we can live in our dysfunction for such a long time that it becomes uncomfortable for us to live anywhere else. We can become so comfortable in our dysfunction that we do not know how to live any other way. It scares us to seek change. It is uncomfortable to seek another way of life.

But, when we are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional, we consider the possibilities of our need to seek an avenue of healing. It begins with an honest evaluation of our needs and state of mind. How are you doing mentally? How are you doing physically? How comfortable have you become with your dysfunction? It is only when we have a truthful view of ourselves that life begins to change. Only as we understand our need for healing and healthy perspectives can we begin to see the possibilities of a new day.

So let me ask you:

Where are you focused on the wrong thing? Where are you waiting for someone else to be the catalyst for change rather than take responsibility for your needs?
Where have you become comfortable with your unhealthy and dysfunctional way of life?
Where are you facing negative constructs that lack an honest view of yourself and your need for change? We must begin with a sense of personal responsibility and brutal honesty about the change we need.
Do you want to be healed? Do you want to be well? What steps must you take to be healed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Talk with someone you trust (a friend, a relative, a pastor, or a counselor) and ask them what they see in you and where you need change. You might be surprised.

©Robert W. Odom 2023

Rewiring the Mind Part 3

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

In our last session, we discussed forgiveness. While forgiveness was necessary and a precursor to starting the healing process, I also needed to realize that my past did not need to define my present being. While it did shape me, it did not have to define me. Instead, I needed to be defined by what God had called me to be. So I began a journey to understand what that looked like.

In this journey, I have learned that I tried to please people and wanted their approval. This was part of my dysfunction because I longed to belong and be loved. I wanted acceptance. When that did not happen, I got angry and eventually shut down emotionally. Then I would try harder and harder. It was a vicious circle that had no end in sight. I would work harder, and then my work would not be recognized, or I would fail to accomplish what I thought I should. I would then become angry and shut down. Around and around it would go. This was not the place I wanted to be.

When in trouble, it was easy to pivot into a bad place. I would sink into a depressive state and struggle with my inadequacy. Too often, I felt like a failure, forcing me to try harder and back again to the cycle of anger and then shutting down. This vicious cycle impacted my relationships and me personally. I decided to please people rather than make waves. The result was that I often did things to please others or for approval rather than doing what was right.

I can not tell how freeing it was once I realized I needed change. How freeing it was to break that cycle of trying harder, anger, and shutting down. How freeing it was not to have to please people. It was no way to live, and it was no way for my family to live. While I was not an alcoholic, I was being abusive to my family. In my trying harder, I often neglected them emotionally and physically. I was not there. I tried to, but I did not do such a good job.

As noted, I began a journey to understand these issues better. First, I wanted to understand what triggered my desire to please everyone. Second, I tried to understand why I would get so angry. Third, I wanted to know why I would shut down and stop communicating.

When it comes to pleasing others, I realized that I put more value in what people thought rather than what God had designed me to be. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to give me praise. Because I had such low self-esteem, I longed for recognition, and much of what I did was to get praise from others. When that did not happen, I became frustrated and angry.

Through prayer and counseling, I pivoted to an understanding that I needed to succeed because it was the right thing to do and not please people. The words quoted by Abraham Lincoln began to ring true. You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. I needed to understand what the right thing was to do because it was right and not because it pleased others.

Secondly, as I transitioned to this new space, I soon began to feel less angry and more satisfied. Once I stopped trying to please others, my rate of anger reduced and almost stopped. I also realized that most of the time, I was angry because of unmet expectations. But these expectations were based on false perspectives.

In my mind, I had a picture of what I wanted to have happen. When that did not occur, I would be angry. For example, I expected that the driveway would not be littered with toys when I got home and that there would be peace when I walked in. But most of the time, that was not the case. The kids had been outside playing, so their toys were scattered across the yard. When I walked in, all hell seemed to break loose. They would start to yell and run around. What I thought was a bad attitude and a discipline problem was them having to compete for my time. As I lowered my expectations of perfection, my anger began to decrease. I am not saying that we should not have expectations, but I am saying that some of our expectations are causing us pain and emotions that are not healthy. We need to adjust our expectations to the reality of life and not our picture of perfection.

There are many reasons we get angry. But to be healthy, we must research why we do what we do. Consider making a journal where you record when you are angry and why. Then, look back at those entries and look for patterns. These patterns may help you understand the reasons for your anger.

Thirdly, I would shut down and stop communicating for several reasons. Primarily, the reason was that I shut down because I was offended. I shut down because I was afraid of physically hurting someone. After all, I refused to be my stepdad. I did not want to lash out and mentally, emotionally, and physically wound others. But that’s precisely what I did. I wounded people with my silence. I hurt my wife and my kids. How freeing it is not to shut down, or at least not shut down for the length of time I would.

While I have made some confessions in this article, my goal has been to spur you to start a search in your life for why you do what you do. This may be challenging, but it is worth it. Pray. Start the process. See where God will take this in your heart. Remember this God wants to transform us into His image. He wants us to be the best version of ourselves that He has created. It may not be easy, but it is worth it.

So let me ask a couple of questions:

Where do you see yourself in terms of your emotions? Are there areas of your life you wish you could change?
Begin a journal. Write down your emotions and what caused you to respond the way you did.
If you struggle to understand your emotions, talk to someone close to you. Ask them to be honest and disclose what they see and feel when you respond out of your negative emotions.
How will you pivot to a new reality as real issues are revealed? Start small and work your way through the issues.
Finally, pray and ask God for His help. He will be there and help us become the best version of whom He has created us to be.

Rewiring the Brain: Part 2

Robert W. Odom

March 9, 2023

In my last post, I discussed the ability of the brain to rewire itself. This is known as neuroplasticity. Today let’s dig deeper into this subject. As we grow and experience emotional events, we are generally shaped by those events. These unchecked events determine too often how we will respond to future events. These emotional events rewire our brains to react differently. This is usually a defensive mechanism meant to protect us but harms us in the long run.

Interestingly, studies show that babies who are cuddled and held as infants are more emotionally stable. However, the opposite occurs as well. Babies not cuddled or held lag in emotional, mental, and social development. In essence, the brain is wired differently. Many infants never overcome the loss of love at this early age. Their brains are rewired to understand love differently. Throughout life, they struggle to love and get love.

While much can happen in infancy, this can occur in other ways as the child grows. For example, if one grows up in an environment where there is a lack of love being shown, the brain can rewire itself. Let me share a personal illustration. I lived with my mom and stepdad from age six to twelve. My stepdad was an alcoholic and had a temper. He would come home and treat my family horribly. He thought nothing of abusing us emotionally, physically, and mentally.

The result was that I began to feel unwanted. I began to blame myself for what was happening. I began to try and live in a way that would not upset my stepdad. I would hide in my room when he came home. I thought he would leave me alone if I could hide, but that did not happen. I tried to avoid conflict at all costs. I often had a false peacemaker attitude: I would do whatever to bring peace, even if there were no real peace. My brain had been rewired to hide my emotions, be a false peacemaker, and avoid conflict at all costs.

Later in life, as I matured spiritually, I became more aware of these issues, and I started to seek ways to overcome them and rewire my brain to think differently. By avoiding my emotions, I became angry. At the same time, I would internalize my anger and shut down verbally. As I matured, I had to consider why I would handle anger as I did. What made me angry, and why did I respond the way I did?

Because of my faulty wiring, I had to look at ways to rewire my brain. I needed to understand the why and figure out ways to do life differently. So, I began a journey! My journey started with exploring forgiveness. I needed to forgive others, and most of all, I needed to forgive myself. I needed to forgive others as their actions, and words hurt me. I needed to realize that what happened was not my fault. I needed to recognize that while it was painful, I needed to let go of my pain. The place to do that was at the doorway of forgiveness. It was not easy, but necessary.

To forgive does not mean that the other person is not responsible for their actions, but I needed to free myself from their hold on my life. I had not seen my stepdad for over twenty-five years, yet he still controlled me. Forgiveness allowed me to process my false guilt and shame. I blamed myself when I was not the problem. However, it did become a problem when I would get angry. It was a problem when I would shut down and stop communicating. It was a problem when I buried my emotions.

Through the journey of forgiveness, I was able to release my stepdad. I was able to let go of the pain from the past. I was able to forgive myself. I could forgive my mom for allowing this to happen (although it was not her fault). Finally, I could forgive myself for the way I had processed emotional events in the past.

Forgiveness is the beginning of healing. Forgiveness clears the way to start a process of rewiring the brain. It releases us from others controlling us. It allows us to rethink how we respond to others. It is the beginning of no longer hiding our emotions. It is the starting point of releasing ourselves from blame and shame.

Next time we will continue this discussion. In the meantime, let me ask you a couple of questions:

How has your brain been rewired from past events?
What has been the result of rewiring your brain? Do you hide your emotions? What emotions are out of control in your life?
Who, what event, or what controls who you are and how you respond to life?
Where do you need to forgive others? Yourself?
What would look differently if you could rewire your brain positively and walk in forgiveness?
Pray and ask God to reveal these areas of life. Then, ask God to begin a process of forgiveness.

Rewiring our minds!

In Scripture, we are told that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This is true, especially concerning our emotions. Amazingly, we have been created with the ability of “Neuroplasticity.” What is neuroplasticity, you may ask? “Neuroplasticity” refers to the brain’s ability to restructure or rewire itself when recognizing the need for adaptation. In other words, the brain continues to develop and change throughout life. As the brain confronts negative and positive stimuli, it can adjust and rewire itself to accept the new dynamic.

Throughout life, we have been wired to respond to issues we face in specific ways. A part of this discussion is the old nature versus nurture debate. Are we born with predetermined responses to problems, or have we learned to respond the way we do? Both may be affecting how we respond.

In the environments we live, we are confronted with various stimuli. If these stimuli are consistently negative, our brains can be rewired to deal with the issues encountered. For example, abused people can experience a rewiring of the brain to deaden the pain. Left alone, we will believe we are no longer loved. The view of ourselves causes us to think we are faulty or broken. We can blame ourselves and believe we are not worthy of healthy relationships. We will often sabotage relationships for fear of being hurt again.

As children, many are taught not to have any emotions. We are taught to hide our true selves so that others will view us positively. We are trained to live to perfection, which is never possible. As a result, we begin to live with a false sense of who we are. We redefine ourselves. We hide. We isolate. After doing this long enough, we believe our false identity is our true self. Essentially, the mind rewires itself to believe the lies we have been told.

This is complicated even more when we face trauma, abuse, or other catastrophic issues. For example, we can be taught to hide our emotions and feelings. We hide our emotions so as not to make waves. Sometimes when a family member abuses another, the who has been abused will try to hide their emotions. They try to deal with these issues without ever actually addressing the issue. The result can be devastating. They blame themselves. They begin to believe they are not good. They think they are flawed and thus are a failure. When no one listens to them, they hide the hurt and, in essence, rewire their brain to accept these complicated ideas about themselves. This is a problem because they begin to live in a place of woundedness rather than a place of healing.

From this negative wiring, we often find ourselves responding to events in unhealthy ways. We lash out. We default to what feels good. This could be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. We long to be heard but feel silenced by the voices in our heads. Because of bad wiring, we do things we did not intend to do when the triggers that lead to negative responses are encountered.

While our brains can be rewired to respond negatively, we can also rewire our brains to react positively. Once again, this is why Scripture tells us to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). And that we are to renew our minds (Romans 12:1-2). This is the Bible’s way of telling us we need to rewire our minds. We will look at this in more detail next time.

I have always found this discussion interesting. The Bible talks about a new heart and a renewed mind. We need to reframe our thought processes and the way we think. In Romans 12, we are told that we can be conformed or transformed. Being conformed is to allow the brain to be rewired from negative input. In so doing, we become what God never intended us to be. It is easy in many ways to be conformed. It is harder to be transformed.

I love the idea found in the word transformed. God has created us in His image. The problem, however, is that our experiences and relationships have caused us to be conformed to a different way of living. It is a way that is not aligned with God’s plan, as opposed to what God intended. When we are out of alignment, things do not go well.

One way to rewire our minds is to do what Philippians 4:8 says. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Do you get what is being said here? How we think changes everything.

We need to think about what is true. Search for truth and apply that truth to your life. Think about what is noble, e.g., what is good or excellent. Think about what is pure and not improper. In other words, refocus your thinking on what is good and right. In the process, we can rewire our minds to focus on truth. The result will be healing and focusing on God’s will for your life.

So let me ask you:

Where have you been affected by your negative experiences?
Where has your mind been rewired to believe the lies that have been spoken against you?
Where do you need to be transformed or have your mind rewired? Be specific.
What must you change to think about truth, and what is excellent? Take some time to meditate on Philippians 4:8 and how you can apply these truths to your life.

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