Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.
In our last session, we discussed forgiveness. While forgiveness was necessary and a precursor to starting the healing process, I also needed to realize that my past did not need to define my present being. While it did shape me, it did not have to define me. Instead, I needed to be defined by what God had called me to be. So I began a journey to understand what that looked like.
In this journey, I have learned that I tried to please people and wanted their approval. This was part of my dysfunction because I longed to belong and be loved. I wanted acceptance. When that did not happen, I got angry and eventually shut down emotionally. Then I would try harder and harder. It was a vicious circle that had no end in sight. I would work harder, and then my work would not be recognized, or I would fail to accomplish what I thought I should. I would then become angry and shut down. Around and around it would go. This was not the place I wanted to be.
When in trouble, it was easy to pivot into a bad place. I would sink into a depressive state and struggle with my inadequacy. Too often, I felt like a failure, forcing me to try harder and back again to the cycle of anger and then shutting down. This vicious cycle impacted my relationships and me personally. I decided to please people rather than make waves. The result was that I often did things to please others or for approval rather than doing what was right.
I can not tell how freeing it was once I realized I needed change. How freeing it was to break that cycle of trying harder, anger, and shutting down. How freeing it was not to have to please people. It was no way to live, and it was no way for my family to live. While I was not an alcoholic, I was being abusive to my family. In my trying harder, I often neglected them emotionally and physically. I was not there. I tried to, but I did not do such a good job.
As noted, I began a journey to understand these issues better. First, I wanted to understand what triggered my desire to please everyone. Second, I tried to understand why I would get so angry. Third, I wanted to know why I would shut down and stop communicating.
When it comes to pleasing others, I realized that I put more value in what people thought rather than what God had designed me to be. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to give me praise. Because I had such low self-esteem, I longed for recognition, and much of what I did was to get praise from others. When that did not happen, I became frustrated and angry.
Through prayer and counseling, I pivoted to an understanding that I needed to succeed because it was the right thing to do and not please people. The words quoted by Abraham Lincoln began to ring true. You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. I needed to understand what the right thing was to do because it was right and not because it pleased others.
Secondly, as I transitioned to this new space, I soon began to feel less angry and more satisfied. Once I stopped trying to please others, my rate of anger reduced and almost stopped. I also realized that most of the time, I was angry because of unmet expectations. But these expectations were based on false perspectives.
In my mind, I had a picture of what I wanted to have happen. When that did not occur, I would be angry. For example, I expected that the driveway would not be littered with toys when I got home and that there would be peace when I walked in. But most of the time, that was not the case. The kids had been outside playing, so their toys were scattered across the yard. When I walked in, all hell seemed to break loose. They would start to yell and run around. What I thought was a bad attitude and a discipline problem was them having to compete for my time. As I lowered my expectations of perfection, my anger began to decrease. I am not saying that we should not have expectations, but I am saying that some of our expectations are causing us pain and emotions that are not healthy. We need to adjust our expectations to the reality of life and not our picture of perfection.
There are many reasons we get angry. But to be healthy, we must research why we do what we do. Consider making a journal where you record when you are angry and why. Then, look back at those entries and look for patterns. These patterns may help you understand the reasons for your anger.
Thirdly, I would shut down and stop communicating for several reasons. Primarily, the reason was that I shut down because I was offended. I shut down because I was afraid of physically hurting someone. After all, I refused to be my stepdad. I did not want to lash out and mentally, emotionally, and physically wound others. But that’s precisely what I did. I wounded people with my silence. I hurt my wife and my kids. How freeing it is not to shut down, or at least not shut down for the length of time I would.
While I have made some confessions in this article, my goal has been to spur you to start a search in your life for why you do what you do. This may be challenging, but it is worth it. Pray. Start the process. See where God will take this in your heart. Remember this God wants to transform us into His image. He wants us to be the best version of ourselves that He has created. It may not be easy, but it is worth it.
So let me ask a couple of questions:
- Where do you see yourself in terms of your emotions? Are there areas of your life you wish you could change?
- Begin a journal. Write down your emotions and what caused you to respond the way you did.
- If you struggle to understand your emotions, talk to someone close to you. Ask them to be honest and disclose what they see and feel when you respond out of your negative emotions.
- How will you pivot to a new reality as real issues are revealed? Start small and work your way through the issues.
- Finally, pray and ask God for His help. He will be there and help us become the best version of whom He has created us to be.
© Robert W. Odom 2023
Life on the edge 