Monthly Archives: May 2023

May 30, 2023 · 11:50 am

Loneliness Part Two

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

In my last post, I began a conversation about loneliness. I want to continue that discussion here today. Last time we took an overview of loneliness. Today, my purpose is to consider and offer suggestions for helping with loneliness.

First, we need to connect with others when feeling lonely. This is not always easy, especially when trust is crucial to our loneliness. But be intentional and take a step in connecting. Find groups or individuals who have similar likes. Meet with them and have fun.

Second, sometimes we have to push through our fears and anxiety. This is not always easy, but it is critical to dimmish the feelings of loneliness. Once we push through the fear, we may find that it is not as hard as we thought. This action will be worth pushing through the fear and anxiety to find a new normal on the other side.

Third, if it is too difficult to push through, talk with a friend and have them hold you accountable for pushing through. They can encourage you and keep you focused on what matters. Be ready for them to push you to connect. Know they love you and want the best for you.

Fourth, if the emotional trauma of loneliness persists, you may need counseling. This is a good thing. A good counselor can uncover emotional, mental, or experiential reasons why loneliness affects us. They can help you understand why you feel lonely and prescribe ways to overcome it. You might be surprised at what is revealed and equally surprised at how you can transverse the pain of loneliness to live a new day.

As a pastor and chaplain, I cannot help but turn to Scripture for help. We need others in our life. That is why connecting with others is so important. The words of Solomon, who was one of the wisest men alive, spoke these words in Ecclesiastes. Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can they keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Solomon was able to explain the need for friendship and connecting with others. There is safety in connection. Two can get more accomplished. When they fall or return to unhealthy ways of handling emotional issues, others will be able to help. When needing protection, others can help us find our way. That is why we need others.

I know this does not answer all of the problems with loneliness but are steps to assist in overcoming loneliness. But as I close this, I will offer specific possibilities for connecting.

  • Join groups that do things you enjoy. It might be golf, fishing, hobbies, cooking classes, foodie groups, sports activities, or other social groups. Take a class. Learn something new.
  • Be physically active. This increases the endorphins, which makes us feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically.
  • Be intentional about staying in touch with family and friends. Being intentional can help us connect with others. If we are not intentional, we may never connect and build relationships.
  • Find a faith-based organization that provides small groups.
  • Volunteer at organizations that need help. Food banks, nursing homes, community groups, and others.

Finally, prayer is a huge help in combatting loneliness.  Prayer connects us with God. Prayer touches our emotions and helps us overcome the void in our life.

So let me ask you:

  1. Are you feeling lonely? Please describe this feeling and the emotions you are experiencing.
  2. What steps are you taking to overcome your anxiety and fears?
  3. What friends or associates can you connect with?
  4. Do you have a faith-based community to join? If so, what steps can you take to make this happen?
  5. Are there social or community groups you can join? Make a list of these organizations. And then contact them to see how you can volunteer.
  6. Pray for God to help you overcome these fears and the anxiety of loneliness. You will not regret it.

© Robert W. Odom, 2003

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May 15, 2023 · 3:45 pm

Navigating Loneliness

Robert Odom Ph. D.

The Beatles penned the following words. “All the lonely people, where do they come from? All the lonely people, where do they belong?” (Eleanor Rigby released in 1966) These words caught my attention because I have been reading about loneliness lately. One report I read stated that 36% of all Americans feel serious loneliness. This includes 61% of young adults and 51% of women with young children. There is also evidence that loneliness has substantially increased since the Covid outbreak. I am not surprised by this last statistic.

On the one hand, this is an interesting phenomenon because we are one of the most connected societies ever. We have text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, and more. And yet, we live in a lonely society. More and more people are expressing chronic loneliness. Sadly, chronic loneliness has been linked to early mortality. In addition, loneliness can cause physical and emotional problems. These include depression, anxiety, heart disease, substance abuse, and domestic abuse. Pornography can also be a factor for some. They go to pornography as a way to deal with their loneliness.   

I know loneliness can be a complex situation. So, I don’t want to give a simplified answer. I also know that in this short blog, all aspects of loneliness cannot be explored. Therefore we will take the next couple of weeks to unpack this and consider solutions and ways to counteract loneliness. Even then we will only touch the service. But my goal is to encourage ways to combat so we can be in healthy relationships.

In my study of loneliness, this state of mind can result from several experiences or issues. For some, they have been abused. Because of this, they do not know who to trust. They are ashamed and blame themselves for the abuse. They feel safer isolating and avoiding people rather than facing abuse again.

For some people, it is a matter of trust. They have been lied to. They have been deceived. Their relationship has ended terribly. They do not know how to function in the community because of mistrust and insecurity.

Sometimes our loneliness is a result of our fear of being found out. We can fear that people might not like what they see in us if we become too personal. As a result, we struggle with our identity and who we are. As a result, we put up a false front. In other words, we are fake around people, and we are afraid that if we connect, they will not like the person we indeed are. This causes us to isolate which can exasperate the feelings of loneliness.

In all of these is an element of shame. Shame drives us to isolate and hide. We avoid relationships. In so doing, this impacts our spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. Shame drives us away rather than bringing us into relationships.

So how do we deal with loneliness? Here is where I will offer some ideas but discuss more next week. One of the statements made in life is that sometimes when we have a negative attitude, we must approach life with the opposite attitude. For example, with loneliness, we need to find community. We need to find a place to connect where we can begin to live life in a complete and meaningful way.

It may mean volunteering at a nonprofit. There are plenty of organizations that welcome people to serve. In providing a service to the organization, you are blessed as you can connect with others.  Sometimes it is movement in the direction of connection that is important. Attend a church gathering. Join a community group or a discipleship group. Find an activity that you enjoy.

This can be a challenging step, but it is a start. We do this one step at a time. I love our church as they have several points of entry into the church. They have short-term community groups and extended discipleship groups. So, when I say take one step at a time, this may mean signing up for one of the groups and then attending. If this group does not work, find one that does.  In so doing we begin to break through the barrier of loneliness and begin to real authentic relationships.

Next week we will get deeper into this subject as we explore loneliness. We will not explore everything, but we can have some good discussions. So let me ask you:

  1. Do you feel lonely? Explain why you think that. Be specific.
  2. What is the cause of loneliness for you? Is it shame, past experiences, or something else that drives this issue? Be honest and write out what you believe is the cause. As you identify the causes or at least what you think the causes are we can begin to take positive steps.
  3. What small steps can you take to connect with others? Consider one or two things you can do this week to combat loneliness and begin to build authentic relationships.
  4. Who can you talk to about your sense of loneliness? This is important, especially if you have suicidal ideations or want to hurt others. Talk to a friend, a colleague, a pastor, or a counselor.

© Robert Odom 2023

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May 4, 2023 · 2:50 pm

The Voices in My Head

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I remember, as a young boy, that people would joke about others who would hear voices. As I have grown up, I have realized that I hear voices. You know what I mean. If you are like me, you struggle with internal conversations. For me, it goes something like this. First, I encounter something uneasy or complicated. This could be a conversation with someone. It could be a confrontation. It could be a mistake made.  When I encounter these things, I almost always have an internal dialogue. The conversation goes something like this. Bob, you blew it. You messed up. Bob, you are no good. You are a failure. There is no hope for change. You cannot do this. Then, I try to figure out what they meant by what they said, which always seems to go to the negative.

If we are honest, we all have voices. We all have voices that talk us into doing things, and those same voices can also talk us out of doing things. For example, will I be anxious, or will I be patient? Will I respond with anger, or will I be open to communication? Will I concentrate on the truth, or will I believe the lies? These voices are a part of our mental capacity to resolve issues. Therefore, as we process the voices in our head, we must understand that it is not the voices that are a problem; it is what we do with the voices that matter.

One of my favorite passages in the New Testament is the one that says that we should take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). I love this because I understand how vital our thoughts are in healing. When thoughts come, we must consider the thought and why we are having such thoughts. It is here that we must take our thoughts captive. In taking them captive, we must examine them to understand the truth of the thought.

Another passage adds value to this discussion. It is found in Philippians 4:8. It says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

So when these thoughts come, we apply the truth. We apply the truth when our thoughts tell us we are a failure. Am I a failure, or did I fail in this one area of my life? So many things are true, but are they worthy of our thoughts? Do these thoughts encourage us to do what is honorable, just, and pure, or do they push us to do evil and get even?

The problem too often is that we can become myopic in our view of things so that we believe the negative voices in our heads. When the voice in my head tells me that I am no good, the honorable thing to do is review what I have done. Look at what needs to change so that I turn the situation into a positive and so I can learn from what has been stated. There is some element of truth with most criticisms, so I need to discern what is truth and what is distortion.

When I am anxious, I can flee or face the situation. I can run, or I can deal with my anxiety. My negative talk tells me to get out of there. For example, my negative thoughts push me to run rather than face my problems. The honorable thing is to face my problems rather than run. We do this by analyzing our thought processes. In this way, we take them captive and bring them in obedience to Christ’s way of living.

So let me ask you:

  1. What are the voices you are listening to?
  • What voices do you need to take captive?
  • Where must you choose to do what is honorable, just, and pure? What would this look like for you?
  • Where are you running rather than facing your problems?  
  • Perhaps you need a friend, a counselor, or someone to help you discern what is true and what needs to change. In so doing, they have you interpret the voices you hear.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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