Robert Odom Ph. D.
The Beatles penned the following words. “All the lonely people, where do they come from? All the lonely people, where do they belong?” (Eleanor Rigby released in 1966) These words caught my attention because I have been reading about loneliness lately. One report I read stated that 36% of all Americans feel serious loneliness. This includes 61% of young adults and 51% of women with young children. There is also evidence that loneliness has substantially increased since the Covid outbreak. I am not surprised by this last statistic.
On the one hand, this is an interesting phenomenon because we are one of the most connected societies ever. We have text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, and more. And yet, we live in a lonely society. More and more people are expressing chronic loneliness. Sadly, chronic loneliness has been linked to early mortality. In addition, loneliness can cause physical and emotional problems. These include depression, anxiety, heart disease, substance abuse, and domestic abuse. Pornography can also be a factor for some. They go to pornography as a way to deal with their loneliness.
I know loneliness can be a complex situation. So, I don’t want to give a simplified answer. I also know that in this short blog, all aspects of loneliness cannot be explored. Therefore we will take the next couple of weeks to unpack this and consider solutions and ways to counteract loneliness. Even then we will only touch the service. But my goal is to encourage ways to combat so we can be in healthy relationships.
In my study of loneliness, this state of mind can result from several experiences or issues. For some, they have been abused. Because of this, they do not know who to trust. They are ashamed and blame themselves for the abuse. They feel safer isolating and avoiding people rather than facing abuse again.
For some people, it is a matter of trust. They have been lied to. They have been deceived. Their relationship has ended terribly. They do not know how to function in the community because of mistrust and insecurity.
Sometimes our loneliness is a result of our fear of being found out. We can fear that people might not like what they see in us if we become too personal. As a result, we struggle with our identity and who we are. As a result, we put up a false front. In other words, we are fake around people, and we are afraid that if we connect, they will not like the person we indeed are. This causes us to isolate which can exasperate the feelings of loneliness.
In all of these is an element of shame. Shame drives us to isolate and hide. We avoid relationships. In so doing, this impacts our spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. Shame drives us away rather than bringing us into relationships.
So how do we deal with loneliness? Here is where I will offer some ideas but discuss more next week. One of the statements made in life is that sometimes when we have a negative attitude, we must approach life with the opposite attitude. For example, with loneliness, we need to find community. We need to find a place to connect where we can begin to live life in a complete and meaningful way.
It may mean volunteering at a nonprofit. There are plenty of organizations that welcome people to serve. In providing a service to the organization, you are blessed as you can connect with others. Sometimes it is movement in the direction of connection that is important. Attend a church gathering. Join a community group or a discipleship group. Find an activity that you enjoy.
This can be a challenging step, but it is a start. We do this one step at a time. I love our church as they have several points of entry into the church. They have short-term community groups and extended discipleship groups. So, when I say take one step at a time, this may mean signing up for one of the groups and then attending. If this group does not work, find one that does. In so doing we begin to break through the barrier of loneliness and begin to real authentic relationships.
Next week we will get deeper into this subject as we explore loneliness. We will not explore everything, but we can have some good discussions. So let me ask you:
- Do you feel lonely? Explain why you think that. Be specific.
- What is the cause of loneliness for you? Is it shame, past experiences, or something else that drives this issue? Be honest and write out what you believe is the cause. As you identify the causes or at least what you think the causes are we can begin to take positive steps.
- What small steps can you take to connect with others? Consider one or two things you can do this week to combat loneliness and begin to build authentic relationships.
- Who can you talk to about your sense of loneliness? This is important, especially if you have suicidal ideations or want to hurt others. Talk to a friend, a colleague, a pastor, or a counselor.
© Robert Odom 2023
Life on the edge 