Family Dynamics

I love family gatherings. I enjoy the laughter and stories that come from sitting around the table. At these gatherings, people begin to reminisce. Around the table, life is shared. That is always a blessing.

While family gatherings are great, sometimes, these gatherings are not always a positive experience for everyone. Every family has one person or two who creates a less-than-positive environment. This could be the person who is always negative and sees the worst in everything. These people suck the life out of the joy expressed around the table.

Then there is the one who hogs the discussion. They seem to talk endlessly and never allow others to speak. If you try to engage, they seem offended that they were cut off. They will pick up where they left off, even 30 minutes later. When they talk, they often talk about things that have little relevance to the group. Or they discuss controversial issues. Often, these people fail to read the room and understand who they are talking to. They assume everyone is on the same page. Therefore they talk about issues that cause others to feel attacked or marginalized.

Then there are the ones who will corner one of the family members because they believe something needs correcting. They take it upon themselves to talk down to and criticize the other person. They do so in a way that intimidates and ostracizes rather than includes and builds up. Name the issue that comes across as the sage. This could be medical solutions, lifestyle changes, relational discussions, or habits. This family member feels it is their God-given responsibility to correct others’ bad choices.  

For example, one family member may find in their heart to confront another person about their significant other or lifestyle choices. They will condemn what they disagree with rather than have a dialogue. Their goal is to tell you what they think without an opportunity to respond to their comments. Too often, they will fill the conversation with scriptures to support their opinions, even if the scriptures need more context.

Now before anyone sends me a nasty email rebutting what I am saying, there are some things that sometimes need to be addressed. I am not denying that. I refer to the self-appointed purveyors of truth who do not always have relational grounds to discuss someone’s lifestyle. I am referring to that person who feels they are the chosen one to bring change without dialogue or understanding of the situation.  They do not have the relationship to address the problem effectively. Of course, the question must be asked whether or not they need to address the person’s lifestyle altogether.

For the one confronting, I ask why you feel the need to confront in the first place. By what authority do you confront? What relationship do you have with the person that permits you to discuss another’s lifestyle? I find that there is positional authority, and then there is earned authority. I would rather speak from a position of earned authority than positional authority. Talking from positional authority can make me demanding, condemning, and arrogant. When I have earned authority, I can speak with and not to the other person. With earned authority, I listen to the other person to gain their perspective. With earned authority, I can hear their heart and what they are truly saying.

In Scripture, there are several references to confronting people. Let me share one of them with you. The first is James 1:19. James says that we should be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. This is a helpful process. We should be listening more than we speak. Listening invites us into the process; if we talk, we can speak more clearly. By listening, we can communicate with the goal of dialogue and not win an argument.

For the one being confronted, be kind. Change the subject. Walk away. To the best of your ability, try not to take what the other person says personally. This is difficult because what they say can cut us to the core of our being. Remember how one confronts speaks more to who they are than you are. We cannot be responsible for their actions but can control how we respond. Finally, forgive them because, in most cases, they are unaware of what they are saying or at least the damage being done.

Family can be fun, but they can also cause much pain. I have experienced the family members we have discussed above. Their words can be painful, but my attitude is better as I put the conversation in perspective. Doing so allows me to walk away with minimum impact.

So let me ask you.

1. Think about the people in your life who have hurt you by their words. How have these words impacted you?
2. In the conversation, what would you have done differently?
3. How can you learn the gift of listening rather than speaking? What do you need to change in you to be a better listener?  
4. Where do you need to forgive others for their words?
5. If someone has hurt you, get counsel, and pray for guidance. This process is not easy, but it is necessary.

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D. 2023