Grief occurs when we lose what we love. Most often, we consider grief as the loss of a loved one, but grief can include the loss of a job, a divorce, or a relationship divide. Regardless of the cause, we must navigate grief to move to a new normal way of living. There are occasions, however, when finding a new normal is not so easy.
While there is no timetable for grief, there are signs that one is experiencing complicated grief. Complicated grief is realized when the person navigating grief cannot get past the loss, regardless of what they do. One might be experiencing complicated grief if they continue to have ruminations about the person after one year or more. They might be experiencing complicated grief if they have excessive depressive moments and cannot shake the sadness. They have isolated themselves and have broken connections with those they love. People with complicated grief may be abusing alcohol or drugs.
In Charles Dickens’s novel Great Expectations, one of his characters, Miss Havisham, was humiliated and heartbroken when her fiancé sent a letter to cancel their wedding on the day they were to be married. She began to grieve. As a result, she suffered a mental breakdown and remained alone in her decaying mansion. She never removed her wedding dress and only wore one shoe for the rest of her life. She left the wedding breakfast and cake uneaten on the table. She only allowed a few people to see her. She also had the clocks in her mansion stop at twenty minutes to nine. This was the exact time she had received Compeyson’s letter. Even though Dickens wrote this fictional story, it illustrates what grief can do to a person if they are unwilling to navigate the pain and crisis of grief. This is undoubtedly an illustration of complicated grief.
While this is an extreme story or illustration of complicated grief, it highlights the problem. When we experience grief, we do not always know how we will personally respond to the loss of someone we love. We can be surprised by the response we have to loss and grief. We can experience grief on many occasions, but then we are blindsided by loss in ways we did not expect. It is the mystery of how we will respond to grief.
While we might experience complicated grief, there are steps we can take. First, be honest with your emotions and what you are feeling. This can be difficult as we do not always understand our feelings. But to the degree possible, we must be open to our emotions and face them. Only then can we begin to seek help to move forward. Being honest with your emotions might be to state that you are struggling.
One tool to help is to journal. Journaling allows you to express your emotions without fear of judgment or criticism. Through journaling, you can write down what you are feeling, whatever those feelings might be. Do not worry about how the words sound or even if they make sense. Put on paper what you are feeling. This may be challenging, but it is helpful.
Second, seek help. This can be a professional counselor or a spiritual advisor. These trained counselors can help you sort through the emotions you are experiencing. They can help identify steps to be taken to alleviate the feelings of complicated grief.
Third, on some occasions, you may need to speak with medical doctors to secure help with prescriptions. They can prescribe medication to mitigate or reduce depressive feelings. This should be a short-term fix in most cases.
Fourth, take the next steps. Sometimes when experiencing grief, it is hard to move forward. So sometimes the best thing to do is take small steps. Take a shower. Go downstairs. Taking the next steps may not seem like much, but these are giant steps for the one experiencing grief. One small step can lead to more significant steps. In time you can navigate grief and arrive at a new normal.
So let me ask you.
- Are you showing signs of complicated grief? If so, what steps are you taking to resolve your issues?
- If you are frozen with grief, what next steps can you take? Be specific.
- Who do you need to connect with? Do you need a spiritual advisor, counselor, or medical doctor? If so, what do you want to communicate with them?
- Have you tried journaling? If not, give it a try.
© Robert W. Odom 2023
Life on the edge 