Perfectionism

Robert W. Odom. PhD

July 5, 2024

One of the discussions I have encountered recently is centered around the idea of perfectionism. The questions at the center of this discussion relate to the healthiness of perfection and the causes of maladaptive perfectionism.

As we delve into this discussion, it’s important to acknowledge that perfectionism has a positive side. It empowers us to produce quality work and achieve remarkable feats. Many of us are inherently driven by a desire to excel in life, and this is commendable when balanced with a healthy perspective on life and relationships.

Perfectionism is not a psychological abnormality in itself. Some people have a genuine desire to succeed, which is positive. However, some are driven by a fear of failure, which is unhealthy motivation. When one is healthy, one can leave room and space for failure and adjust. Unhealthy perfectionists are afraid of making mistakes, which affects who they are. They strive for their goals from a fear of failure rather than the need for achievement.

When perfectionists fear failure and do not leave room for mistakes, they can wear themselves out. This is because they are striving for more. They wear themselves out, and they wear out their family, work teams, and friends. Before they finish one project, they are on to the next thing. This leaves little room for renewal and restoration. The brain is always in motion.

The roots of unhealthy and maladaptive perfectionism often stem from parental expectations. Numerous studies suggest that the link between parents and perfectionism is at the heart of the issue. Those who struggle with extreme perfectionism often grew up in environments where love and approval were contingent on performance and behavior. This can lead to a fear of failure being equated with the risk of parental rejection, which is seen as a rejection of the person and a loss of love.

These experiences can leave a lasting impact, often carrying over into adulthood. The individual, driven by a deep-seated need for approval and affirmation, lives in constant fear of failure. The mere thought of making a mistake triggers a sense of impending rejection. This fear of failure becomes a driving force in their lives, leaving no room for error and no tolerance for failure, not even in others.

One person told me that they could play an almost perfect game. But in an early inning of the game, they missed a ball driven out in their direction. At the end of the game, rather than their father praising them for two home runs, throwing a man out at home that led to a triple play, and stealing three bases, he criticized him for missing the ball. He was lectured on how not to let that happen again. The conversation was brought up again around the table even later that evening. This person determined they would not fail again because they did not want to disappoint his father. That began a process of maladaptive perfectionism.

The problem with this perfectionism is that we become agitated and beat up on ourselves when things are imperfect. We strive for perfection because we want another’s approval. We are afraid to fail. And when we fail, we spiral into depression and beat ourselves up. We can often become egocentric, thinking it is all about us. This can impact our relationships in profound ways.

So, what do we do? To be clear, there is nothing wrong with wanting things done right. After all, the Bible speaks of doing everything to the glory of God and the best of our ability. But when we have an unhealthy perfectionism, we need to adjust.

Here are some things we can do. The most significant action is to give ourselves permission to fail. Not everything will be perfect all of the time. I am not a type A person generally, but I tend to be a perfectionist in my work ethic. I want things done right. I remember working on my doctorate dissertation and how often I would rewrite a section because I wanted it perfect. Several would read the paper for me and give me their insight. No one was critical of how it was written, including my dissertation chair.

I think I was trying to cover up past failures and get approval. I wanted to succeed so people would like and accept me. I was driven to perfectionism because I wished for approval and did not want anyone to see a flaw in my life.

Secondly, be in the moment. Be present. Turn off the phone. Make eye contact. Engage with others. One person I knew was a perfectionist who would talk nonstop about themselves and what they thought. When they were finished, so was the conversation. They might ask how you were doing, but this question was not honest. This was a means for them to check a box. They were not engaged because they were thinking about what to do next.

Being present allows us to rest, to be in the moment, and to provide space for healing and restoration. It also allows us to hear the other person without distraction.

So much more could be said, but this will be enough for now.

 So let me ask you:

1. How would you measure your level of perfectionism?
2. Examine how you are motivated. Is it out of fear, or from a genuine desire to succeed and do well?
3. What emotions do you experience when you fail or make mistakes? What does your gut tell you? What does your head tell you?
4. Do you give yourself space to fail? Explain what this looks like for you. What challenges do you face in this space?
5. Talk to those around you. Ask them how well you are doing in this area of your life.