I have been dealing with toxic leadership and spiritual trauma for the last couple of weeks. Today, I want to pivot and look at toxic people within organizations. After being on staff at four-plus churches[i], I have witnessed the ability of people to affect environments through the way they handle themselves, the way they act, and what they say. Just as much as there is toxic leadership, there are also those who are a part of the church that are toxic.
As I noted in our discussion of spiritual trauma, there are great people out there. Most people wanted to be spiritually connected. They have a desire to be passionate followers of Christ. They love God and desire more than anything to grow in Christ and understand their role in the church. Others have honest questions and need real answers. People need to be able to ask questions without fear of retaliation, being ignored, or being made to feel inferior. Indeed, people do not need to be ostracized or rejected for a difference in thinking. Some broken people are looking for a place to feel safe, where their questions can be answered, and guidance is given in healthy ways.
While this is true, unfortunately, some are people toxic. They tend to be consumers. They tend to be very vocal about their opinions of the church and pastoral staff, but too often, they sit back and do not get involved. They want the church to serve them. They believe the church is all about them and their needs. And then some want to control. They want to control the vision, the message, and the staff. They may say they have the church’s best interest in mind, but they are self-focused and self-centered. Unfortunately, this is often done behind the scenes and in the dark.
In my years of ministry, I have had people tell me they have been called to the church to help the church grow and “support” the vision of the leadership team. While this is not always the case, this language is often a code for “I have an agenda, but I will not be honest and tell you what that agenda might be.” I have witnessed those who present something they would like to do. These are often good suggestions, but there are times when these ideas do not fit the vision or DNA of the church. When they do not get their way, they bring discord to the body. They proclaim they are victims, and the leadership does not listen to people. They become a source of division and destruction. They assert themselves as a prophet or as being superior to the leadership. This is motivated by pride and selfishness. Behind the scenes, they manipulate people, try to get people on their side, and turn people against the leadership.
Still, others would attempt to sway the direction of the church through their finances. If they do not agree with something, they hold back their finances until the outcome they want occurs. When they give, they make sure everyone knows they support the church, how much they support, and how important they are. They are looking for approval and accessibility to the leadership. They are hungry for power. But, their desires are distorted and unhealthy.
On one occasion, a member of one church gave a check for several hundred thousand dollars for missions. The problem, however, is that he began to dictate where the money should go and how the funds should be used rather than depend on the wisdom of the leadership team to distribute the funds as necessary and where it was most needed. He threatened to withdraw his support if the monies were not used according to his wishes.
While there are toxic individuals, most want to do the right thing. So what do we do to be healthy participants in the church environment? First, let me say this. Perhaps you should consider another church if you do not trust your pastor or leadership team to lead. If you are not able to bring change, sometimes the best thing to do is change churches.
Second, how do you deal with these differences? Do you speak to the pastor and leadership team, or do you talk to others? I am not sure you know this, but talking to anyone other than the one who can resolve the issue might be considered gossip. We will not ever fully agree with everything the pastor or leadership does. But are we willing to talk about the differences? We should be able to have healthy conversations. Speak and communicate with the staff about what is going on in your life, what you disagree with, and why you disagree. This should be accomplished with grace, wisdom, and a desire for healing and growth.
It is also inappropriate to look for people who will agree with your disagreement. One of my pet peeves is when people come to me and say, “There are a lot of people who_____” and fill in the blank. Many people do not like the music that is played. Many people think the messages are too long or too short. And on and on. Too often, the truth is that there may be a couple of people who agree with them, but it is usually not as many as they say or believe. It is also unfortunate that, at the same time, they do not reveal who these people are as they want to keep it a secret. This is a form of power as they have some information they believe they can use to manipulate the staff. It also incorrectly positions them with leverage, or at least they think so.
One area that seems always to be a concern in the church is the music. I have dealt with the music issue. The music is too loud, not loud enough, no hymns, too many hymns, and not the proper hymns. The music is too fast, or it is too slow. The pastor wears a suit and a tie, so they are stuffy. The pastor wears a sports shirt and sneakers. They are too liberal. The pastor’s kids should be at the church all of the time and be perfect in their dress, actions, and music. The spouse is not involved enough. They are too involved and are controlling. It can go on and on.
Third, do not couch gossip in spiritual terms! Before you speak, ask a question first? Is your prayer request a prayer request, or is it an opportunity to gossip under the guise of spirituality? Too often, we can cloak our sinful behavior in terms of spirituality. If you are willing to speak to others without talking to the who needs to hear the message, you need to consider if the message needs to be shared with anyone else.
Fourth, be patient with your pastor and leadership. They are humans. They have struggles. They get tired. They are busy! They need to rest! They are not perfect. Yes, I said it pastors are not perfect. Please give them the same grace you want them to give to you.
Fifth, step up to the plate and get involved in the church! Do not be on the sidelines. Volunteer and serve. Make the church better by getting involved. Serve where you are needed. You will not regret it, and you will reap the benefits of being a part of a church community in the long run.
Finally, support your pastor and leaders. Many pastors deal with depression and anxiety. They want to serve well but feel they are ineffective. New statistics show that 10% of all pastors leave the ministry a month. According to the Barna Research Group, 42% seriously considered leaving the ministry last year. The two top reasons for this were the immense stress of the job (56%) and the feeling of loneliness and isolation (43%)[ii]. Many would have left the ministry altogether if they had had another occupation. That is sad as this ought to be one of the most joyous jobs on the planet.
How can we support the leadership team? Pray for your pastor. Take your pastor out to lunch with no agenda but just to be a blessing. Write them a word of encouragement. Have them and their families at your home for dinner. Give them a gift certificate to do something fun. Do this without any strings attached. There are so many things you can do to bless and encourage them. So just do it! Bless them, support them, and pray for them. Once again, in so doing, you will be blessed, and you will be an encourager to those who need encouragement.
Copyright © Robert W. Odom June 2022
[i] Interim English Speaking Pastor, Ridgewood Church of God, Ridgewood, Brooklyn (1979 – 1980); Youth Pastor, Commack Church of God, Commack, NY (1980 – 1981); Volunteer Youth Leader, Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle, Smithtown, NY (1982-1985); Lead Pastor, New Covenant Christian Church (1985-1993); Lead Pastor, Full Gospel Christian Church, Copiague, NY (1993-2003); Missions and Ministry Pastor, Radford Baptist Church, Moneta, VA (1993-2010); and Peninsula Community Church, Selbyville, DE (2010 – 2019).
[ii] Pastors Share Top Reasons They’ve Considered Quitting Ministry in the Past Year, 2022, Barna Research, April 27, 2022, Accessed June 4, 2022. Pastors Share Top Reasons They’ve Considered Quitting Ministry in the Past Year – Barna Group.
Toxic Members: Pastoral Trauma
I have been dealing with toxic leadership and spiritual trauma for the last couple of weeks. Today, I want to pivot and look at toxic people within organizations. After being on staff at four-plus churches[i], I have witnessed the ability of people to affect environments through the way they handle themselves, the way they act, and what they say. Just as much as there is toxic leadership, there are also those who are a part of the church that are toxic.
As I noted in our discussion of spiritual trauma, there are great people out there. Most people wanted to be spiritually connected. They have a desire to be passionate followers of Christ. They love God and desire more than anything to grow in Christ and understand their role in the church. Others have honest questions and need real answers. People need to be able to ask questions without fear of retaliation, being ignored, or being made to feel inferior. Indeed, people do not need to be ostracized or rejected for a difference in thinking. Some broken people are looking for a place to feel safe, where their questions can be answered, and guidance is given in healthy ways.
While this is true, unfortunately, some are people toxic. They tend to be consumers. They tend to be very vocal about their opinions of the church and pastoral staff, but too often, they sit back and do not get involved. They want the church to serve them. They believe the church is all about them and their needs. And then some want to control. They want to control the vision, the message, and the staff. They may say they have the church’s best interest in mind, but they are self-focused and self-centered. Unfortunately, this is often done behind the scenes and in the dark.
In my years of ministry, I have had people tell me they have been called to the church to help the church grow and “support” the vision of the leadership team. While this is not always the case, this language is often a code for “I have an agenda, but I will not be honest and tell you what that agenda might be.” I have witnessed those who present something they would like to do. These are often good suggestions, but there are times when these ideas do not fit the vision or DNA of the church. When they do not get their way, they bring discord to the body. They proclaim they are victims, and the leadership does not listen to people. They become a source of division and destruction. They assert themselves as a prophet or as being superior to the leadership. This is motivated by pride and selfishness. Behind the scenes, they manipulate people, try to get people on their side, and turn people against the leadership.
Still, others would attempt to sway the direction of the church through their finances. If they do not agree with something, they hold back their finances until the outcome they want occurs. When they give, they make sure everyone knows they support the church, how much they support, and how important they are. They are looking for approval and accessibility to the leadership. They are hungry for power. But, their desires are distorted and unhealthy.
On one occasion, a member of one church gave a check for several hundred thousand dollars for missions. The problem, however, is that he began to dictate where the money should go and how the funds should be used rather than depend on the wisdom of the leadership team to distribute the funds as necessary and where it was most needed. He threatened to withdraw his support if the monies were not used according to his wishes.
While there are toxic individuals, most want to do the right thing. So what do we do to be healthy participants in the church environment? First, let me say this. Perhaps you should consider another church if you do not trust your pastor or leadership team to lead. If you are not able to bring change, sometimes the best thing to do is change churches.
Second, how do you deal with these differences? Do you speak to the pastor and leadership team, or do you talk to others? I am not sure you know this, but talking to anyone other than the one who can resolve the issue might be considered gossip. We will not ever fully agree with everything the pastor or leadership does. But are we willing to talk about the differences? We should be able to have healthy conversations. Speak and communicate with the staff about what is going on in your life, what you disagree with, and why you disagree. This should be accomplished with grace, wisdom, and a desire for healing and growth.
It is also inappropriate to look for people who will agree with your disagreement. One of my pet peeves is when people come to me and say, “There are a lot of people who_____” and fill in the blank. Many people do not like the music that is played. Many people think the messages are too long or too short. And on and on. Too often, the truth is that there may be a couple of people who agree with them, but it is usually not as many as they say or believe. It is also unfortunate that, at the same time, they do not reveal who these people are as they want to keep it a secret. This is a form of power as they have some information they believe they can use to manipulate the staff. It also incorrectly positions them with leverage, or at least they think so.
One area that seems always to be a concern in the church is the music. I have dealt with the music issue. The music is too loud, not loud enough, no hymns, too many hymns, and not the proper hymns. The music is too fast, or it is too slow. The pastor wears a suit and a tie, so they are stuffy. The pastor wears a sports shirt and sneakers. They are too liberal. The pastor’s kids should be at the church all of the time and be perfect in their dress, actions, and music. The spouse is not involved enough. They are too involved and are controlling. It can go on and on.
Third, do not couch gossip in spiritual terms! Before you speak, ask a question first? Is your prayer request a prayer request, or is it an opportunity to gossip under the guise of spirituality? Too often, we can cloak our sinful behavior in terms of spirituality. If you are willing to speak to others without talking to the who needs to hear the message, you need to consider if the message needs to be shared with anyone else.
Fourth, be patient with your pastor and leadership. They are humans. They have struggles. They get tired. They are busy! They need to rest! They are not perfect. Yes, I said it pastors are not perfect. Please give them the same grace you want them to give to you.
Fifth, step up to the plate and get involved in the church! Do not be on the sidelines. Volunteer and serve. Make the church better by getting involved. Serve where you are needed. You will not regret it, and you will reap the benefits of being a part of a church community in the long run.
Finally, support your pastor and leaders. Many pastors deal with depression and anxiety. They want to serve well but feel they are ineffective. New statistics show that 10% of all pastors leave the ministry a month. According to the Barna Research Group, 42% seriously considered leaving the ministry last year. The two top reasons for this were the immense stress of the job (56%) and the feeling of loneliness and isolation (43%)[ii]. Many would have left the ministry altogether if they had had another occupation. That is sad as this ought to be one of the most joyous jobs on the planet.
How can we support the leadership team? Pray for your pastor. Take your pastor out to lunch with no agenda but just to be a blessing. Write them a word of encouragement. Have them and their families at your home for dinner. Give them a gift certificate to do something fun. Do this without any strings attached. There are so many things you can do to bless and encourage them. So just do it! Bless them, support them, and pray for them. Once again, in so doing, you will be blessed, and you will be an encourager to those who need encouragement.
Copyright © Robert W. Odom June 2022
[i] Interim English Speaking Pastor, Ridgewood Church of God, Ridgewood, Brooklyn (1979 – 1980); Youth Pastor, Commack Church of God, Commack, NY (1980 – 1981); Volunteer Youth Leader, Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle, Smithtown, NY (1982-1985); Lead Pastor, New Covenant Christian Church (1985-1993); Lead Pastor, Full Gospel Christian Church, Copiague, NY (1993-2003); Missions and Ministry Pastor, Radford Baptist Church, Moneta, VA (1993-2010); and Peninsula Community Church, Selbyville, DE (2010 – 2019).
[ii] Pastors Share Top Reasons They’ve Considered Quitting Ministry in the Past Year, 2022, Barna Research, April 27, 2022, Accessed June 4, 2022. Pastors Share Top Reasons They’ve Considered Quitting Ministry in the Past Year – Barna Group.
Life on the edge 