As I look over the landscape of life, one of the issues I am seeing is that we have lost the power of conversation and exploring others’ ideas. Too often, communication is relegated to demanding acceptance and a loud tone of argumentation. What is lost is the art of listening to others. What is lost is the ability to understand what the other person is communicating and why.
I wonder how different things would be in our world if we listened more and talked less. I wonder how different things would be if we communicated to understand others rather than trying to force people to believe what we believe. I wonder how different things would be if we talked not to persuade but to learn more about the other person.
Now I realize that there are moments when we need to speak for influence but too much of communication today is to persuade someone to agree with us at all costs. And, when they disagree, we turn to angry and defiant forms of communication, or we use the power of the silent treatment. And worse, we communicate about the other person with other people. We gossip and tear down the other person without ever communicating with them. We assume we know them and judge their thoughts and motives.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that did all the talking? Have you been with someone who did not seem interested in what you had to say? Have you ever ended a conversation where you did not know what had been communicated because it seemed highly one-sided? Have you had conversations where the other person’s primary focus was to persuade you or convince you to agree with them? Too often, I wonder if people are trying to persuade me to believe their point of view rather than have a conversation. Or worse, they are not interested in what I have to say or believe.
There are so many issues today where this is applicable. As I look at the problems around us today, there are many places where the art of listening is critical. These include but are not limited to abortion, racism, religion, politics, climate change, or gay rights. What would happen if we could have a dialogue that is not accusatory, angry, or trying to persuade others to join “our side.” What if we asked questions to explore what the other person believes and why? What if we asked follow-up questions to find out more?
I have been amazed at what I have learned by listening to people and hearing their hearts. The fact is that I have often found that we have more to agree on than I imagined. I have learned that we are saying the same thing in many cases but in very different ways. Even when we are communicating different things, when we listen to others, we can learn from them. Why do they believe what they believe? Why do they hold onto that viewpoint?
I admit that it is often hard to listen. I want to interject my ideas and thoughts. I want to prove my position. I want others to get in line and follow my ideology. I can become impatient in the process. But it doesn’t work that way. We must listen to gain perspective.
During my years as a chaplain, I attempted to listen to those I was called to serve. It was always fun for me and a challenge to have them open up and talk. I am referring specifically to the paramedics and firefighters I helped. I laughed the first few times I would do a ride-along. Most often, before people got to know me, I was not well received, or I was received with an extended hand that spoke that I was to keep my distance. They had previous experiences that had soured their view of the chaplaincy. Some of the earlier chaplains did more preaching than listening. They would carry big Bibles and quote obscure or often misquoted scriptures.
However, their responses did not deter me but challenged me to communicate in a way that would get them to share about themselves. It did not take long for the paramedics and fire department if I asked a few key questions. I would start with “How long have you been doing this?” I would follow up with “What made you desire to become a paramedic?” And then, “What was the most memorable call you have ever been on?” This was usually followed by “What was the worse call you ever had?”
I was amazed that these simple and sincere questions opened doors for further communication. When asking these questions, I fought the battle to cut them off and resolve problems. Because I volunteered for a local fire department, they often asked me questions. It was interesting what questions I would be asked. Most often, I think it was to get a reaction. But I would share my thoughts but the conversation back to them and ask, “what is your opinion or thoughts on this?” My goal was to keep my answers short and turn the discussion back to them as soon as possible.
Some of the other paramedics who knew me well were surprised when some would stay after their shift to talk about issues in their life. It was in these discussions that I could share my views and give counsel. The biggest reason for this was that I was willing to listen.
Listening is not easy, but it is worth it. One of the biggest things I found in studying the issue of trauma is people need an outlet to talk. They do not need their problem solved. They need to talk. They do not need us to use language that deters healing and brings a deeper wound.
What would happen if we listened to the young mom who finds herself pregnant? What if we talked and listened rather than judged or brought accusations against her? What about people who may be different than us? They may differ by race, gender, sexual preference, political party, or religious persuasion. What could we learn from them? What could we learn about ourselves?
James, a pastor in the early church, had this to say, and it bears mentioning. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
As I close, I challenge you to find someone different in viewpoints and ideologies. Connect with them and listen. Ask open-ended questions that require more than one-word answers. This may take more than one meeting as the other person may need to feel secure in talking and not being judged or persuaded to believe another way. Try it. You might like it. And, in the process, you may find out some things about others that will amaze you. And who knows, you might find out something about yourself.
Life on the edge 