Tag Archives: Listening

October 13, 2023 · 4:09 pm

Reading the Room

Have you ever been conversing with someone only to have the other person continue to talk without a break? They talk and move from one topic to another. Did this make you feel they were uninterested in what you said?

What about the person who makes bold statements without considering who is in the room? I remember one individual who commented inappropriately about people who lived in trailers. What he missed was that several of the people in the room lived in trailers. You could watch these individuals shut down and stop listening as he continued to speak. He lost them because of his insensitive comments.

On another occasion, one speaker spoke against abortion and was critical of those who had abortions. He was unkind in the comments. Once again, the speaker was unaware that several attending the meeting had an abortion and had to relive and navigate the emotions associated with those comments.

When communicating with others, we need to read the room. To read the room is to understand who is in the room and what the mood of the room is. This means we must pick up on the social cues being presented. We must have some awareness of who our audience is. This does not mean that we will never say anything that might offend others. The guarantee is that we will offend others at some point (or many times). Offense happens. However, the goal of communication is to reduce such occurrences when possible.

The room must be read before pushing a particular position. Reading the room means understanding who is in it and what they need. We need to read the room to take advantage of an opportunity to communicate effectively. This does not mean that we do not present our position, but reading the room means that we do not just push our position no matter what. When this is done, we come across as arrogant towards or ignorant of those around us. At times, it can also be an apathetic approach to communication. In essence, it appears we do not care. What is communicated too often is that you need to listen to me because I am right, and your opinion does not count.

I love James, who wrote one of the books of the New Testament. In his writing, He tried to balance faith and works. One way he did this is to challenge Christians to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. He was cognizant that being quick to listen and slow to speak reduced the potential for anger. How often do we get angry when we believe the other person is not hearing us?

When we read the room and know our audience, we can have healthy communication. To begin with, if we want successful communication, we must control how much we talk. So, we need to be aware of how much we talk. The question to ask is, do we want to push our agenda, or do we want to understand the person we are talking with? To do this, sometimes we need to be quiet and listen.

To have healthy communication, we should ask clarifying questions. This will help us get to know the other person, opening the door for deeper conversation. Asking questions will also help us in group settings. Asking questions will allow us to position ourselves to answer the questions people ask while communicating positively.

So, let me ask you?

How well do you read the room? Be specific.
Consider your communication. Do you allow others to talk, or do you control the conversation? If so, why do you think you do this?
How can you adjust your listening skills by asking clarifying questions? How will this help you communicate more effectively?
When you read James 1:19-20, what is your response? Does this passage describe your life? What needs to change to align your life with this passage?
To communicate better, stop and listen. Ask questions to understand the other person much better. Think about this. Journal what that will look like for you.

Are You Okay?

Dr. Bob Odom, Ph. D.

January 5, 2023

As we begin a new year, I want to talk about a subject that is getting more attention, which is a good thing. Recognition of mental health issues is an important step forward. For too long, we have avoided discussing mental health, and those needing help have missed opportunities to do so.

One of my favorite sayings is that it is okay to be okay. It is equally okay to admit that you have an issue and seek the help you need. Between Covid, the Flu, rising prices, the rise in the attention on crime, and other issues, we have seen an increase in mental health issues. It is my opinion, and the opinion of others, that we have yet to see the impact of Covid and being quarantined for that period.

If you are having a mental crisis, increased depression, and anxiety, it is important to get the help you need. Getting help may start with sharing your feelings with someone you can trust. Sometimes talking these things out can begin the process of healing. This is critical because we have often been discouraged from talking about our deficits. There is a fear that people will look at us differently. And unfortunately, that has been the case too many times.

That leads me to our discussion. For the one witnessing someone struggle mentally or emotionally, we can ask, “Are you okay?” Or “how do you feel?” The key to asking this question is to be ready to listen to the response. Unfortunately, too often ask such questions but are not interested in the answer. We are too busy. We are too afraid of the emotions they may be exhibited. We are too quick to try to solve problems rather than listen.

I can remember being asked this question, and as I began to share, I saw the person across from me become distracted. Their eyes began to glaze over. In truth, he did not want me to share; it was just a formality on his part. This experience made me think about how I respond to people when I ask them how they are doing and how I respond. Do I want them to answer the question honestly, or do I want them to reply with the standard answer, I am good?

The Bible is the source of great truths. One of those truths is that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). This applies here. Being quick to listen means we pay attention to what is being said. It means asking follow-up questions to get the person talking and going deeper into what is afflicting them. Listening does not mean that we are thinking of our response or trying to figure out how we will counsel them. Too often, this causes us to miss important cues that reveal much about the person.

When someone shares where there are mentally or emotionally, we do not have to have answers. What we need is to show empathy and love. The fact that they are sharing is critical. We show love by listening. We guard against making the discussion about us and keep it focused on the person talking. Too often, we begin to share our war stories, but this can cause the person sharing to shut down and stop talking. There may be a time to share our story but give time for the person to share before we do that.

Finally, do not judge the person. Too often, we can minimize what the person is going through, but this can make them feel small and inconsequential. We can make them think that what they are experiencing is unimportant, leading to them shutting down and causing more tension and anxiety.

Questions to consider:

Are you a good listener? If not, why?
Do you become distracted when others share what they are experiencing? If so, what can you do to change this?
Do you feel pressure to solve problems rather than listen to what the person is saying?
What questions can you ask to clarify the person’s feelings?

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Tagged as empathy, Its okay to be okay, Listening, mental health, questions

July 21, 2022 · 12:44 pm

The Lost Art of Conversation

As I look over the landscape of life, one of the issues I am seeing is that we have lost the power of conversation and exploring others’ ideas. Too often, communication is relegated to demanding acceptance and a loud tone of argumentation. What is lost is the art of listening to others. What is lost is the ability to understand what the other person is communicating and why.

I wonder how different things would be in our world if we listened more and talked less. I wonder how different things would be if we communicated to understand others rather than trying to force people to believe what we believe. I wonder how different things would be if we talked not to persuade but to learn more about the other person.

Now I realize that there are moments when we need to speak for influence but too much of communication today is to persuade someone to agree with us at all costs. And, when they disagree, we turn to angry and defiant forms of communication, or we use the power of the silent treatment. And worse, we communicate about the other person with other people. We gossip and tear down the other person without ever communicating with them. We assume we know them and judge their thoughts and motives.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that did all the talking? Have you been with someone who did not seem interested in what you had to say? Have you ever ended a conversation where you did not know what had been communicated because it seemed highly one-sided? Have you had conversations where the other person’s primary focus was to persuade you or convince you to agree with them? Too often, I wonder if people are trying to persuade me to believe their point of view rather than have a conversation. Or worse, they are not interested in what I have to say or believe.

There are so many issues today where this is applicable. As I look at the problems around us today, there are many places where the art of listening is critical. These include but are not limited to abortion, racism, religion, politics, climate change, or gay rights. What would happen if we could have a dialogue that is not accusatory, angry, or trying to persuade others to join “our side.” What if we asked questions to explore what the other person believes and why? What if we asked follow-up questions to find out more?

I have been amazed at what I have learned by listening to people and hearing their hearts. The fact is that I have often found that we have more to agree on than I imagined. I have learned that we are saying the same thing in many cases but in very different ways. Even when we are communicating different things, when we listen to others, we can learn from them. Why do they believe what they believe? Why do they hold onto that viewpoint?

I admit that it is often hard to listen. I want to interject my ideas and thoughts. I want to prove my position. I want others to get in line and follow my ideology. I can become impatient in the process. But it doesn’t work that way. We must listen to gain perspective.

During my years as a chaplain, I attempted to listen to those I was called to serve. It was always fun for me and a challenge to have them open up and talk. I am referring specifically to the paramedics and firefighters I helped. I laughed the first few times I would do a ride-along. Most often, before people got to know me, I was not well received, or I was received with an extended hand that spoke that I was to keep my distance. They had previous experiences that had soured their view of the chaplaincy. Some of the earlier chaplains did more preaching than listening. They would carry big Bibles and quote obscure or often misquoted scriptures.

However, their responses did not deter me but challenged me to communicate in a way that would get them to share about themselves. It did not take long for the paramedics and fire department if I asked a few key questions. I would start with “How long have you been doing this?” I would follow up with “What made you desire to become a paramedic?” And then, “What was the most memorable call you have ever been on?” This was usually followed by “What was the worse call you ever had?”

I was amazed that these simple and sincere questions opened doors for further communication. When asking these questions, I fought the battle to cut them off and resolve problems. Because I volunteered for a local fire department, they often asked me questions. It was interesting what questions I would be asked. Most often, I think it was to get a reaction. But I would share my thoughts but the conversation back to them and ask, “what is your opinion or thoughts on this?” My goal was to keep my answers short and turn the discussion back to them as soon as possible.

Some of the other paramedics who knew me well were surprised when some would stay after their shift to talk about issues in their life. It was in these discussions that I could share my views and give counsel. The biggest reason for this was that I was willing to listen.

Listening is not easy, but it is worth it. One of the biggest things I found in studying the issue of trauma is people need an outlet to talk. They do not need their problem solved. They need to talk. They do not need us to use language that deters healing and brings a deeper wound.

What would happen if we listened to the young mom who finds herself pregnant? What if we talked and listened rather than judged or brought accusations against her? What about people who may be different than us? They may differ by race, gender, sexual preference, political party, or religious persuasion. What could we learn from them? What could we learn about ourselves?

James, a pastor in the early church, had this to say, and it bears mentioning. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

As I close, I challenge you to find someone different in viewpoints and ideologies. Connect with them and listen. Ask open-ended questions that require more than one-word answers. This may take more than one meeting as the other person may need to feel secure in talking and not being judged or persuaded to believe another way. Try it. You might like it. And, in the process, you may find out some things about others that will amaze you. And who knows, you might find out something about yourself.

Body, Soul and Spirit – The Body

Peninsula Community Church

Body Soul and Spirit – The Body Part 2

February 9, 2014

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Two weeks ago we started our study on the Body, Soul and the Spirit. In the first week of our study we looked at the overall concept of the body, soul, and spirit. In the study, we confirmed that we are a creation of God; and as a creation of God we are a three-part being. In our study from last week, we looked at the body specifically. During the study, we saw that the body is made up of the five senses and that these five senses are a gateway to the soul and the spirit. We found that what we allow to enter into our soul and our spirit, by way of the five senses, impacts who we are and what we are becoming. It also impacts our view of God. The impact of the five senses can be positive or negative depending on the information or experiences being filtered through the five senses.

We also discussed that the fact that what we feed grows and that we become what we eat. It is for this reason that we say that what we focus on will determine the formation of our hearts and how well the mind will be renewed. If we feed the flesh and fail to walk in the spirit, we will see the flesh begin to control our lives. If we feed the spiritual man, we will see the spirit grow in us which results in the spirit controlling our lives, as it should. In Romans 8:5-8 we see this expressed by Paul. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

One of the illustrations I used last week was about dieting. I shared about the cake that I began to devour by eating one small piece at a time. I ate a small sliver and then another until I had almost eaten the entire cake. I also noted that I did not feel an immediate response from my body although I did much later that evening when I began to feel sick to my stomach. The opposite is true as well in the sense that when we continue to study God’s word, pray, and stay in fellowship’ we may not have an immediate response but as we are faithful, we will have a positive response of growth and development in our lives. We remain faithful to do the things we need to do even if we don’t experience an immediate response.

We had also talked about the eyes as one of the gateways to our heart and soul. We recognize that what we see, what we watch, and what we read effects who we are and what we are becoming. David in Psalm 101:3 stated I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. Job added to this idea when he stated I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin (Job 31:1)? I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways. I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word (Psalm 119:15-16).

Why did these guys make these radical statements? They wanted to remain pure and holy so that they would not be tempted toward sin. They understood that the eyes were a gateway to the soul. It for this reason that the quote “The eyes are window to the soul” is an accurate statement in that the eyes are a gateway to the soul’s foundation and formation. The eyes reveal the depth of the soul.

Today, I want to move to a second sense that makes up the body. This would be the sense of listening. The ears have a role to play in the formation of who we are. The fact is what we listen to impacts the formation of who we are and what we are becoming. To illustrate this, think about how music effects your attitude. What kind of music do you listen to? Have you ever had that song that comes on the radio that reminds you of an important point in your life. For the longest time the song “Angie” by the Rolling Stones had a major impact on me. You see I was 16 and my girlfriend had just broken up with me. On my way home I had stopped to get a big gulp to drown my sorrows when this song came on the radio. I sat in my car and cried. I thought my world was over. For a few years every time that song came on I was ushered back to that place and time in my life.

It is to be noted that researchers have found that music impacts us in both positive and negative ways. For example, researchers have found that if you listen to peppy or happy music, the brain begins to produce serotonin which in turn makes us feel more happy. The same goes for relaxing, soothing music that relaxes us or hard, loud, angry music that elicits strong emotions from us. The fact is music elicits all kinds of emotions.

In your reading of the Bible you might recall the story of David and Saul. King Saul was being tormented by a harmful spirit that had been sent from God to bring Saul to conviction. The writer of 1 Samuel rehearsed the story this way. And whenever the harmful spirit from God was upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand. So Saul was refreshed and was well, and the harmful spirit departed from him (1 Samuel 16:23). The playing of music by David transformed Saul’s heart and his spirit in the moment.

While listening can relate to the kind of music we listen to and what kind of TV shows we watch, it is more than that. Let me share this in this way. Do we listen to gossip? Do we entertain the evil words spoken by another? Do we listen to unwholesome words? Do we accept words of rejection and hurt that may have been hurled at us or do we take them for what they are, e. g. words spoken by one who themselves are hurt and wounded.

When we listen to such things as gossip our view of others is skewed. This leads to a judgment and a distrust of others even though we may have not experienced any direct problems with the person being slandered or gossiped about. The problem with listening to lies and gossip is that we begin to believe the report given to us by another person and that report begins to effect our outlook of that person. It is interesting to note that the word “gossip” is the same word as “a whisperer.” It is one who does not want anyone else to hear what they are sharing but they do so any way. A second term that is synonymous with the word “gossip” is the word “slanderer.” The problem of gossip is that this it is so opposite of what God’s standard of living is all about. He desires we speak the truth in love and that we go directly to the person we have an issue with. God also desires that we remove the log of contention to put out the fire.

Listen to what the writer of Proverbs says in Proverbs 26:20- 22. For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.

What we allow ourselves to listen to can reveal the nature of our heart and our soul. Do you crave gossip? When you hear gossip what do you do with it? Do you dwell on it? Do you add your commentary to the gossip and add your feelings to what is being said? When you think gossip remember that gossip and slander is included in the sins of Colossians 3:5-10. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.

The other aspect of this idea of the ears as a gateway to the soul is that too often we listen to the lies of the enemy whose primary goal is to create doubt, regret, and insecurity in us. You see there is the aspect of physical hearing but there is also the emotional hearing that takes place. We have those voices that tell us that we are not good enough, that we are not worthy, and that we will never change. That my friend is the voice of the enemy and not of God.

The question we must answer is “do the things we listen to build us up or do they discourage us and cause us to live in fear, confusion, and distrust?” As many of you know I am a conservative and I love to listen to talk radio and watch Fox News. But, to be honest, there are times where I have to turn it off because I walk away feeling angry, discouraged, and unsettled in my spirit. The issue is not a matter of whether they are speaking the truth or not but rather it is the effect it has on my heart and my soul. The emotions experienced through excess negative news does not move me to positive action but rather creates in me an attitude of depression, anger, fear, and hopelessness. Therefore, I must choose to not listen to those things that create anxiety and fear.

This leads us to a secondary aspect to this. If what we listen to is important then what we say is just as important. Notice the words of Proverbs 15:4. A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Again in Proverbs 18:21 the writer states Death and Life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruits.

What we say and what we hear effects us. For that reason Paul made this statement. Ephesians 4:29-32 – Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. While the above verse deals with what is being said, we can apply this to what we hear as well.

How do we assure that our bodies are healthy? Our attitude will make all of the difference. First, we must remember that we belong to someone. Our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. We have the privilege of the Spirit residing in us and working through us. The second idea presented here in this passage is that we have value. We are bought with a price. Therefore we do not want to tarnish our value by opening ourselves to things that do please God, which brings us to the last concept. Remember we have a purpose. Because we are a channel for the Holy Spirit and we have been bought with a price, we are then called to glorify God in our bodies and for that matter with our bodies. When we understand this, we also understand that this is why it is so critical that all that we are must be in alignment to God’s will and God’s purpose for our life.