Monthly Archives: October 2023

October 13, 2023 · 4:09 pm

Reading the Room

Have you ever been conversing with someone only to have the other person continue to talk without a break? They talk and move from one topic to another. Did this make you feel they were uninterested in what you said?

What about the person who makes bold statements without considering who is in the room? I remember one individual who commented inappropriately about people who lived in trailers. What he missed was that several of the people in the room lived in trailers. You could watch these individuals shut down and stop listening as he continued to speak. He lost them because of his insensitive comments.

On another occasion, one speaker spoke against abortion and was critical of those who had abortions. He was unkind in the comments. Once again, the speaker was unaware that several attending the meeting had an abortion and had to relive and navigate the emotions associated with those comments.

When communicating with others, we need to read the room. To read the room is to understand who is in the room and what the mood of the room is. This means we must pick up on the social cues being presented. We must have some awareness of who our audience is. This does not mean that we will never say anything that might offend others. The guarantee is that we will offend others at some point (or many times). Offense happens. However, the goal of communication is to reduce such occurrences when possible.

The room must be read before pushing a particular position. Reading the room means understanding who is in it and what they need. We need to read the room to take advantage of an opportunity to communicate effectively. This does not mean that we do not present our position, but reading the room means that we do not just push our position no matter what. When this is done, we come across as arrogant towards or ignorant of those around us. At times, it can also be an apathetic approach to communication. In essence, it appears we do not care. What is communicated too often is that you need to listen to me because I am right, and your opinion does not count.

I love James, who wrote one of the books of the New Testament. In his writing, He tried to balance faith and works. One way he did this is to challenge Christians to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. He was cognizant that being quick to listen and slow to speak reduced the potential for anger. How often do we get angry when we believe the other person is not hearing us?

When we read the room and know our audience, we can have healthy communication. To begin with, if we want successful communication, we must control how much we talk. So, we need to be aware of how much we talk. The question to ask is, do we want to push our agenda, or do we want to understand the person we are talking with? To do this, sometimes we need to be quiet and listen.

To have healthy communication, we should ask clarifying questions. This will help us get to know the other person, opening the door for deeper conversation. Asking questions will also help us in group settings. Asking questions will allow us to position ourselves to answer the questions people ask while communicating positively.

So, let me ask you?

  1. How well do you read the room? Be specific.
  2. Consider your communication. Do you allow others to talk, or do you control the conversation? If so, why do you think you do this?
  3. How can you adjust your listening skills by asking clarifying questions? How will this help you communicate more effectively?
  4. When you read James 1:19-20, what is your response? Does this passage describe your life? What needs to change to align your life with this passage?
  5. To communicate better, stop and listen. Ask questions to understand the other person much better. Think about this. Journal what that will look like for you.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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October 6, 2023 · 10:56 am

Do you face your emotions, run away, or try to hide?

A few weeks ago, we were sightseeing in Richmond when the battery light on our car came on. Fortunately, we could keep the vehicle running and made it home. As we entered the parking area at our apartment complex, the car died, and we rolled into our usual parking spot. That was a miracle, as we could have stalled out anywhere along the way.

As I considered this, one thing was for sure. We had a problem, and it was there before the car died. How did I know there was a problem? The light on the dashboard had come on, and now the car would not start. The light on the car told us that there was a problem. We knew it was the charging system but needed to know the problem precisely. To figure this out, we needed to diagnose the problem and get it fixed. In this case, the alternator had stopped working and needed to be replaced.

I have chuckled at how people try to resolve issues with warning lights. Rather than fix the problem, they try to fix the light. One person took duct tape and covered up a warning light that kept coming on. Another person removed the bulb (which was probably more complicated than the problem itself). And yet another just ignored the light and justified that it was not a problem. These three scenarios ended in costly repairs because they did not heed the warnings.

As humans, we have been created with a warning light system that lets us know when there is a problem. These lights are our emotions. Our emotions are generally not the problem. They point to things that are happening within us and around us. As with the car, we do not always realize the real problem, but heeding the warning light leads us to discover the problem. Once again, the warning light is not the problem. It only warns us of a problem.

The lights for our emotional dashboard are critical. We can respond to the warning, ignore it, or push it away. For example, we may be grieving a loss. A warning light shines because we are sad and feel the loss. When we recognize this, we can respond in diverse ways. We can try to cover up and hide the emotions we are feeling. We can ignore them, or we can respond positively.

The one difference between the warning lights in our cars and our emotions is that when the warning lights of emotions are realized, it does not mean that we are broken or unhealthy. It means we are experiencing life and its emotional space. The difference is how we respond to the lights.

I have a friend who is generally very balanced in how he responds to problems. He is a paramedic and, on one occasion, had a series of nasty calls on one of his shifts. Because of his usual way of dealing with issues, he tried to hide his emotions and continue to work as expected. He tried to be stoic and ignore the emotions he was experiencing. However, a few days later, he was short-fused, angry, and more impatient than ever. This was outside his character and the usual way he responded to issues.

After having an in-depth conversation with him, we concluded that rather than dealing with the issues earlier, he tried to ignore and hide from them. After all, he had been taught that men do not have emotions, primarily expressed through crying. Towards the end of the conversation, he was permitted to express his emotions and began crying. He was able to release the pain and sadness he was experiencing. I spoke to him the following week, and he said he was living in a healthier space.

The lesson is that we need to face our emotions head-on. We cannot hide them or pretend they do not exist. Doing so impacts our physical, mental, and spiritual bodies. We experience anger, self-pity, resentment, and other such responses. However, the more we face our pain and emotions, the healthier we become.

Do yourself a favor and confront your emotions. Rather than hide them, present them in the open. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel like exhibiting your anger in healthy ways, get angry. I think you get the picture.

So let me ask you:

  1. What emotions do you experience that never seem to go away?
  2. Are these emotions trying to tell you something about yourself? If so, what?
  3. Where are you trying to ignore or hide your emotions? How does that make you feel? And what steps do you need to take to bring change?
  4. What emotion do you need to pull out of hiding and deal with it?

© Robert Odom RVA, LLC.

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