Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.
May 18, 2024
Expectations
I’ve realized lately that many of us have unrealistic expectations. I know I have them. These expectations are often revealed as demands on others. When these expectations are unmet, we get frustrated and even angry with the other person. This creates a problem for each person.
Unhealthy expectations can cause us to be rigid. We do not want to change because we want to stay the same. In contrast, we want everyone else to live up to the expectations we cannot live up to. When we believe we should not make mistakes, we may never take risks because we fear failure. We are frozen in the fear that we may fail.
Sometimes, we have expectations as to what others should do or how they should act. When these expectations are not discussed, problems can arise. A case point might be a marriage relationship where expectations are unclear. For example, it could be the expectation of who handles the finances, who does the dishes, or who does the shopping.
These may seem simple and nonissues for many, but if one partner has an expectation that needs to be communicated, and it is not, problems can occur. They can become irritated or frustrated. They can lash out because of unmet expectations.
So, what do we do? Does this mean that we should not have any expectations? Not! We need to have expectations, but these expectations must be realistic and communicated where possible. In a relationship, it is helpful to agree on these expectations so that both people are on the same page. This would include friendships, business relationships, family, and marriage.
I can remember a time in my life when I would come home and find the driveway littered with toys and bikes. I would have to stop the car and remove these things before I could pull onto the driveway. When this happened, I would get angry and not be very happy. I would take my anger and unhappiness out on my kids and wife.
Since this was an ongoing situation, I began questioning why I responded as I did. After some consideration, I realized I had a false expectation of what the driveway should be like when I came home. I was expecting the driveway to be cleared of everything. Instead of being happy that my kids had toys and enjoyed playing outside, I complained and presented a negative attitude. I had an expectation that was born from a selfish motivation. The truth is I wanted to be safe. I did not want to waste my time cleaning the driveway.
In the following days, I began praying that my attitude would change. After some time, I realized I was no longer angry that the driveway was messy. I did not get angry anymore. I arrived home with a different attitude.
To deal with false expectations, we must first acknowledge that we have them. Some of these expectations come from how we see the world. We can believe that things will always be positive and good, and when they are not, we are negatively affected. We can think that we will be treated fairly, but that will only sometimes happen. People will hurt you, and they will cause pain both intentionally and unintentionally.
Secondly, you might have unhealthy expectations if you get angry when certain things do not happen as you believe they should. If this is the case, we may need to ascertain why we get angry. What is driving the anger? Is there a real issue, or is it simply an unmet expectation?
Thirdly, rethink your expectations. This is especially true regarding our demands on others. We expect people to act and respond to us in a certain way. When they do not, we become angry and upset. If this is the case, we need to evaluate the expectations to ensure that we are not expecting what may never happen.
Fourth, talk to someone who knows you. Ask them if they believe you have unhealthy expectations or any blind spots. Amazingly, people see our blind spots in ourselves long before we see them. We may not like what they reveal, but trust your heart and trust them to speak the truth.
Finally, respond to the revelation of your unhealthy expectations. Take steps to change. Take action to modulate your expectations. This may take time but take some action to bring about the necessary change for a better-balanced life. Ultimately, you will be emotionally and spiritually better off than without this analysis.
So let me ask you,
- What unhealthy expectations do you have? Be specific.
- Where do you try to force others to live up to your unhealthy expectations?
- Who in your life can speak to the blind spots in your life? Talk to them and allow them to reveal the truth to you.
- Spend some time considering your unhealthy expectations and where you can modulate these expectations.
- Continue to evaluate your life and adjust to any new unhealthy expectations that might arise.
© Robert W. Odom, 2024
Life on the edge 