Category Archives: Uncategorized

December 7, 2024 · 11:23 am

Navigating the Holidays While Grieving

Robert Odom PhD

Today, I want to focus on navigating the holidays when we are grieving. These will not be hard and fast rules, but hopefully, they will aid those facing this Christmas season without their loved ones. While everyone else is celebrating, there is an ache in your heart. This ache and your grief come from a place of loss because someone you love is no longer with you. This is a natural and human response to grief, and it is okay to feel a range of emotions during this time.

How do we navigate grief? First, we must understand that each of us has a unique journey through grief. We all handle it differently, and this can even vary within the same family. Some may feel the need to celebrate, while others may seem less affected by the loss, and some may be deeply impacted. It is all part of the individual’s unique process of healing.

The key point here is to be honest with yourself and with others. What are your expectations for this Christmas? Are you ready emotionally and physically to celebrate as you have in the past? Or do you prefer to scale down the rituals of Christmas? This does not mean that we do not focus on the gift of Christ but rather on the rituals of Christmas. This brings us to a second way to navigate the Holiday season.

It’s crucial to set boundaries and refrain from doing things you’re not ready for. You know your capacity and desire to celebrate. Give yourself the freedom not to do everything as you had in the past. It is okay not to have a tree or a large gathering of people. You may be ready for that next year. If you are not prepared to attend certain events, saying no is okay. You can always leave early if it becomes too overwhelming. Remember, your feelings and needs are valid, and setting boundaries is a powerful way to take control of your holiday experience.

Thirdly, it is essential to communicate your needs and expectations for the holidays. Whether it is through a letter, a family meeting, or any other means, make sure to express your feelings. This way, there will be no surprises, and you will feel more in control of the situation. Remember, it is better to communicate sooner rather than later.

When communicating, you can discuss your emotions and what you are feeling at the given moment. You can describe what you feel you are ready to do and how much you are willing to do it. You can also process any new rituals you may desire, such as lighting a candle in memory of your loved one or creating a memory board.

Fourth, connect with others. This may seem contrary to what we discussed earlier, but it may be helpful to connect with others. Go to church, volunteer, or do whatever is right for you. Sometimes, in grief, we isolate, and that can deepen our grief responses. By connecting, we are moving to a space where we feel that we are not alone.

The key to all of this is to be honest with ourselves. It is okay to do what you can to connect in new ways and start new rituals if necessary. Remember that God loves you and wants to help you navigate the emotional responses to the holiday. Be honest with yourself about your feelings, your needs, and your capacity to celebrate. Your experience is valid, and navigating the holidays in a way that feels right for you is okay.

So let me ask you.

  • What are your expectations for the Christmas season?
  • How can you communicate these expectations to your family, friends, and coworkers?
  • What activities do you feel ready to connect to? What does that look like to you?
  • What boundaries do you need to set for this year?

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

November 23, 2024 · 11:49 am

Waiting Patiently

Dr. Robert W. Odom

Two words in Scripture make me cringe. They are hard to deal with. These words trigger something I want to resist. My blood pressure goes up, leaving sweat across my brow. What are these two words? They are “waiting patiently.”

Impatience is a feeling we all experience at some point. It’s a common thread that binds us, a shared human experience. Like many of us, I usually consider myself a patient person. I can usually endure heavy traffic and long lines. But there are many times when I wouldn’t say I like to wait. I want things immediately.

For example, recently, I was in the grocery store. As I scanned my items at the self-checkout, something went wrong. The employee at the self-checkout came over to help but could not figure out what was happening. I got impatient and felt hurried because I had to wait for them to figure out the problem. By the way, I only had four items. He took almost 15 minutes to try and resolve the issue. The final resolution was to move to another register and ring my items again.

When I think of this subject, I think of Abraham, who had been promised to be the father of many nations. This promise was made when he was old and his wife Sarah was barren. He had this promise but no children to make it happen. He had a promise from God, but his circumstances did not match up. He had no children, and He and Sarah were too old by the standards of that day to have any children. I can relate to this waiting period when I was waiting for a breakthrough in my career. I had a promise from God, but the circumstances were not aligning. It was a challenging time, but I held on to the promise.

Unfortunately, Abraham became impatient and slept with Sarah’s handmaiden. She conceived and had a son named Ismael. This impatience led to complications and a deviation from God’s plan, teaching us the profound consequences of impatience and the crucial importance of waiting for God’s timing. His decisions then impacted this generation and were a powerful lesson for us all.

It is difficult to wait, but the benefits are worth the wait. In the end, God fulfilled His promise, and Isaac was born. Even though Abraham failed to wait on God, God used this moment to fulfill His promise.

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD (Psalm 27:14)! In waiting for the Lord, we will experience God’s blessing. I have learned (and am still learning) that if we patiently wait on God, He will bring about some amazing things. While waiting patiently, staying connected with God through prayer and scripture is essential. It’s also helpful to surround yourself with a supportive community to encourage you during the waiting period.

Sometimes, it seems that God is silent or not concerned. But I have found that in His silence, He is working. Behind the scenes, He is at work, putting together exactly what we need.

I am reminded of when the Children of Israel were in captivity to the Egyptians. For 400 years, they prayed and waited. Sometimes, they experienced things getting worse. And they waited. They prayed. They suffered. They waited. They prayed. But God was working on a leader named Moses who would come to rescue and deliver the people of Israel. There was a promise, and that promise was to be fulfilled.

Where are you waiting today? What are you waiting for? Where are the promises you have been given that need to be fulfilled? The problem with waiting is that we can lose hope. I understand how challenging it can be to hold on to hope when the waiting seems endless. Lost hope causes us to become despondent and try things on our own. But I encourage you to hold on, for God’s timing is perfect.  

It is hard to wait, but the benefits are excellent. The rewards of patience, of trusting in God’s timing, are immeasurable. So, even while waiting, knowing what is to come is worth the wait.

So, let me ask you?

  • What are you waiting for? Is it healing, finances, a significant other in your life, etc? Be specific.
  • Where are you rushing the process?
  • What are you doing while you wait?
  • What might God be doing in you while you are waiting?
  • How are you preparing for the promise?

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

August 9, 2024 · 3:24 pm

A Challenge for our Day

Robert W. Odom, Ph.D.

We are at an exciting time in our country and the world. Of course, we are in a political season and inundated with political ads. Too often, these ads are more about what the other person has yet to do rather than what they have accomplished and will do if elected. And many times, their promises are vague. And, of course, we hear a stretching of truths and outright lies during this season.

While this is true, one thing that interests me during an election year is how quickly we judge the people around us who support a particular candidate, especially if it is not our candidate. I even know families that struggle during this time as they are on opposite ends of the spectrum regarding their candidates.

While we might support a particular candidate, political party, or issue this season, we must treat others respectfully and gracefully. One of the things that amazes me is how quickly we can reject others for their political views. I often wonder what Jesus would have done if he had been placed in this setting today. Based on what I know about Scripture, he would have acknowledged the differences but still respected the person he encountered.

The list is long. I think about the woman caught in adultery. She deserved death because that was the law of the time. But instead of condemning her, he loved her and comforted her in her time of transgression. Some believe that this was Mary Magdelene. While everyone else rejected Christ, she was at his side at the crucifixion.

I think of the Samaritan woman who was at the well. For Jesus to speak with her was political, religious, and cultural suicide. But he was more concerned about the person than about toeing the line of political, cultural, and religious correctness.

Look at the disciples, who were not high-ranking in the social culture of the day. They were fishermen, lawyers, and tax collectors. They were rough and tough. They were not the elite or a part of the in crowd, but He called them. In terms of cultural, social, or political standing, they were not qualified to be the head of the church, but they were. Despite their background, they served God and were promoted to lead the church.

I have friends who are Democrats, Republicans, conservatives, and liberals. Many of them do not see things the same politically as I do. But they are all believers with a dynamic faith that moves mountains for God. When we get to heaven, we will be surprised at who is in and who is not. I think God sees the bigger picture. We tend to be myopic and develop tunnel vision for our chosen candidate. But in the end, we are all part of a larger community united in our faith.

Let me share a couple of thoughts. I recognize that these thoughts may cause some unsettling, but we need to consider these things. My first thought is that I am concerned we equate a particular party with Christianity. This means that if I were to support someone not in that party, then I would be antichristian. How awkward that is.

I do not serve a political party; I serve Christ, who came to save the world, not just a particular party. Yes, I believe that America was founded on some sound Christian principles, but I also know that we often did not exhibit Christlike characteristics.  We stole the Native American’s property because we did little to understand their culture. If we did, we would have understood that Indians do not own their property; it is communal property. Later, we continued to take their land and make promises we never intended to keep. For the black culture, we treated them inhumanely and treated them as property rather than respect them as humans created by God. We have similar treatment of Asians, Spanish, Middle Eastern, and other cultures. We have seen women abused and treated as objects rather than humans. Sexual abuse has been swept under the rug. Sadly, prominent Christian organizations have done this, not just corporations.

How different would our world be if we supported Christ and modeled his way of dealing with people? In the final analysis, every person deserves respect as a creation of God. I have had several conversations with someone who is living a different lifestyle. One day, their words shocked and challenged me. They stated that their view of God had changed because of the way Michelle and I have accepted them as human beings. They knew we disagreed, but we still respected them. Our conversations taught us much about what drives them and why they have certain beliefs.

Too often, we make people a project rather than a person. May we have a heart after God rather than a project. May we be moved with compassion and not a political preference? May we treat everyone as a creation of God, whom God loves! Let’s strive to understand and empathize with others, regardless of their political beliefs.

Too often, we develop an us-and-them mentality. We build our clubs, and you are either in or out. This happens on all sides of this discussion. Once again, I am reminded that Christ came to save the world, not just those who join my political party or see things my way.

We still need to pick and support our candidates as much as possible. Remember to engage in respectful discourse along the way—as Jesus would. Every voice is important, and every person deserves to be heard and respected.

Thank you for listening. I ask that you do nothing but consider these thoughts. Process how you react to others who disagree and see things from the same perspective. In the end, you might be surprised and find you have some friends who might challenge you and cause you to understand what you believe even more.

© Robert W. Odom 2024

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

July 7, 2024 · 1:29 pm

Rhythms of Life

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I recently read an article by Joanna Gaines in which she stated that we can shift our rhythm in life. You know how it goes. We have developed a way of doing things and a pattern of how we approach life. But when that rhythm is upset or out of tune (to continue the musical analogy), we are impacted, and life changes as we know it.

Many things can impact our rhythm of life. We all experienced this when COVID-19 hit in 2020. Many could no longer go to work, children were home from school, and people could not gather or interact face-to-face. The pattern of how we lived life was turned upside down.

Other events affect the rhythm of our lives. One of these is when you lose a loved one to death. Just this week, I spoke to someone whose best friend took their own life. There were no warning signs, and that has impacted him emotionally and mentally. Their family and friends were devastated. They missed the clues about what he was about to do.

I spoke to someone else whose wife recently had a miscarriage, and they are struggling with the concept that somehow it was their fault and that they wish they had done things differently. The reality is that it is not their fault at all. Another person lost their father after a short but brutal battle with cancer.

The things that can change the rhythm of life can also be a lost job, a divorce, or a severe health diagnosis. It can be having your home broken into; now you are fearful and no longer feel safe. Anyway, I think you get the idea.

These events create a void, an empty space. They cause the rhythm of life to get out of focus and out of step. This can cause anxiety and stress in ways that one can not imagine. We feel overwhelmed and out of sorts.

One of the things that Joanna said in her article was that when this happens, we can allow it to impact us negatively, or we can realize that through this, we can recognize that great possibilities are available. As devastating as these things are, life is not over for us. We can regroup and refocus to reestablish a new rhythm or a new normal. This does not mean that we forget the person or event that occurred. But we learn to navigate this process in a way that brings healing and a new way of processing life.

There are a few things that you can do to reestablish a rhythm in life. The first is to give yourself permission to acknowledge and name the emotions that you are feeling. If you are angry, acknowledge it. If you are ashamed, acknowledge it. Whatever the emotion, identify it and face the problem. Too often, we can avoid our emotions because they are painful, and we do not know how to handle them effectively. We were frequently taught to hide our feelings and mask what was happening. For others, there are a lot of emotions, but there is no definition or plan to process the emotion. Still, others fear judgment if emotions are expressed.

A second key to reestablishing the rhythm of life is to care for yourself. Eat right, take a walk, and avoid the excesses we sometimes go to feel better about ourselves. These might be drugs, alcohol, work, sex, and remuneration about the past. To care for oneself is to do what one is ready to do. Do not be forced to speed up the process if you are unready. In time, you will be, until then, live in the moment, be present. But do something.

Aligning ourselves spiritually is critical in these times. One of the rhythms of life is the discipline of meditation, prayer, and scripture reading. It is okay to sit quietly and not say anything—just be in God’s presence. Meditate. Listen to music that calms your spirit. The point is to align ourselves with God’s plan and purpose for us and to quiet our hearts.

Another is to avoid isolation. Sometimes, when the rhythms of life are out of sorts, we can isolate and avoid others. This can be difficult as we want to hide—we want to hide from the chaos of life. But too much isolation is a negative thing. It increases the feeling of loneliness and forces us to avoid the very thing we need sometimes.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where is your rhythm of life out of sorts? Be specific.
  2. What are the causes of these issues? One way to do this is to evaluate the emotions that you are experiencing. Define them. And then work through these emotions.
  3. What actions can you take to restore a new rhythm of life? Take just one of the above suggestions and focus on that for now.
  4. Where are you isolating, and where do you need to come out of “hiding?” Are you hiding from others, yourself, or your emotions?

© Robert W. Odom 2024

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

July 5, 2024 · 12:09 pm

Perfectionism

Robert W. Odom. PhD

July 5, 2024

One of the discussions I have encountered recently is centered around the idea of perfectionism. The questions at the center of this discussion relate to the healthiness of perfection and the causes of maladaptive perfectionism.

As we delve into this discussion, it’s important to acknowledge that perfectionism has a positive side. It empowers us to produce quality work and achieve remarkable feats. Many of us are inherently driven by a desire to excel in life, and this is commendable when balanced with a healthy perspective on life and relationships.

Perfectionism is not a psychological abnormality in itself. Some people have a genuine desire to succeed, which is positive. However, some are driven by a fear of failure, which is unhealthy motivation. When one is healthy, one can leave room and space for failure and adjust. Unhealthy perfectionists are afraid of making mistakes, which affects who they are. They strive for their goals from a fear of failure rather than the need for achievement.

When perfectionists fear failure and do not leave room for mistakes, they can wear themselves out. This is because they are striving for more. They wear themselves out, and they wear out their family, work teams, and friends. Before they finish one project, they are on to the next thing. This leaves little room for renewal and restoration. The brain is always in motion.

The roots of unhealthy and maladaptive perfectionism often stem from parental expectations. Numerous studies suggest that the link between parents and perfectionism is at the heart of the issue. Those who struggle with extreme perfectionism often grew up in environments where love and approval were contingent on performance and behavior. This can lead to a fear of failure being equated with the risk of parental rejection, which is seen as a rejection of the person and a loss of love.

These experiences can leave a lasting impact, often carrying over into adulthood. The individual, driven by a deep-seated need for approval and affirmation, lives in constant fear of failure. The mere thought of making a mistake triggers a sense of impending rejection. This fear of failure becomes a driving force in their lives, leaving no room for error and no tolerance for failure, not even in others.

One person told me that they could play an almost perfect game. But in an early inning of the game, they missed a ball driven out in their direction. At the end of the game, rather than their father praising them for two home runs, throwing a man out at home that led to a triple play, and stealing three bases, he criticized him for missing the ball. He was lectured on how not to let that happen again. The conversation was brought up again around the table even later that evening. This person determined they would not fail again because they did not want to disappoint his father. That began a process of maladaptive perfectionism.

The problem with this perfectionism is that we become agitated and beat up on ourselves when things are imperfect. We strive for perfection because we want another’s approval. We are afraid to fail. And when we fail, we spiral into depression and beat ourselves up. We can often become egocentric, thinking it is all about us. This can impact our relationships in profound ways.

So, what do we do? To be clear, there is nothing wrong with wanting things done right. After all, the Bible speaks of doing everything to the glory of God and the best of our ability. But when we have an unhealthy perfectionism, we need to adjust.

Here are some things we can do. The most significant action is to give ourselves permission to fail. Not everything will be perfect all of the time. I am not a type A person generally, but I tend to be a perfectionist in my work ethic. I want things done right. I remember working on my doctorate dissertation and how often I would rewrite a section because I wanted it perfect. Several would read the paper for me and give me their insight. No one was critical of how it was written, including my dissertation chair.

I think I was trying to cover up past failures and get approval. I wanted to succeed so people would like and accept me. I was driven to perfectionism because I wished for approval and did not want anyone to see a flaw in my life.

Secondly, be in the moment. Be present. Turn off the phone. Make eye contact. Engage with others. One person I knew was a perfectionist who would talk nonstop about themselves and what they thought. When they were finished, so was the conversation. They might ask how you were doing, but this question was not honest. This was a means for them to check a box. They were not engaged because they were thinking about what to do next.

Being present allows us to rest, to be in the moment, and to provide space for healing and restoration. It also allows us to hear the other person without distraction.

So much more could be said, but this will be enough for now.

 So let me ask you:

  1. How would you measure your level of perfectionism?
  2. Examine how you are motivated. Is it out of fear, or from a genuine desire to succeed and do well?
  3. What emotions do you experience when you fail or make mistakes? What does your gut tell you? What does your head tell you?
  4. Do you give yourself space to fail? Explain what this looks like for you. What challenges do you face in this space?
  5. Talk to those around you. Ask them how well you are doing in this area of your life.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

May 25, 2024 · 3:29 pm

The Trap of Seeking Approval

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

April 20, 2024

Over the last several years, I have begun a journey to become more self-aware of God’s purpose for me as an individual. In so doing, I am learning what makes me do what I do and more about who I am. One thing I have learned is that I am a people-pleaser. It is hard to admit that, but it is true.

Now, let me explain why I believe this is true for me. When I was a child, I had a stepdad who was abusive emotionally, physically, and mentally. That impacted me deeply. I did not feel loved. It was the opposite. Rather than love, I felt anger. I believed it was my fault for my dad’s actions. He made no bones about not liking me. Therefore, I began to feel unwanted and unloved. This started my pursuit of getting approval from people because I wanted to be loved and accepted.

When I was twelve, I moved to my dad’s house. While things there were much better, my dad was not emotionally connected, and he was not able to communicate his love for us definitively. Other issues during my teenage years solidified my feeling of not being worthy. This was not good. As a result of this, I developed a false sense of what my worth and value looked like. The need for approval was heightened and grew stronger.

I was in my mid-fifties before I heard my dad say he loved and was proud of me. At least, that was the first time I remember. I overheard him on the phone with his pastor. He was telling his pastor how proud he was of me and what success he saw in me. I was overwhelmed by my dad’s complimentary words. Even though he was talking to his pastor and not to me directly, I believed I had received some of the admiration and approval I needed. Until then, I had been striving to get my dad’s approval. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and to think I was successful.

Because I did not receive those words in my early years, I began to seek approval from others. I would work hard. I was obedient and toed the line of what others thought of me. While I did desire to work hard and feel the joy of completing a task, I also worked hard so that whoever my boss or the key person in my life was, I would hear them say they were pleased with me. I was seeking approval. I wanted to please others and get their approval. When I did not get that, I would work harder and harder to get approval.

One of the problems was that I was drawn to people who praised me and gave their approval. Unfortunately, they often did this solely to motivate me to do what they wanted. Ultimately, they were less connected to me than I thought. Over and over, I would be disappointed because I would be let down when I needed to receive the approval I needed. When that did not work, too often, I would leave or disconnect from those I sought approval from. As a result, I made bad decisions based on needing approval rather than truth. Or I would be angry that I did not get the approval I had longed for.

A second issue was that, as a result, I desired so much to please others that I became overly concerned about what people thought of me. The problem is that people continued to disappoint me and would never say the right thing or give me the approval I needed or desired. I was in an endless cycle of disappointment because I would not get the approval and praise I sought. And when someone else was honored or praised, I would get offended and angry at the person getting rewarded.

Another problem was that since I was trying to get the approval and praise of others, I would often give in to what others wanted. This happened so much that I no longer knew what I wanted. I started to lose myself and my desires. I began to need clarification about my needs, goals, and aspirations.

When I realized this was what I was doing and began to work through this issue, I found that I was being healed. I found that I did not have to please people anymore. There was a release for me. It was fulfilling to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed and not simply to please everyone else. I could now decide based on what was right and what was founded in truth rather than trying to please others.

I have added an essential word to my vocabulary: no. How free it is to say no to the things I do not want to do without guilt or fear of not getting approval. Responding this way is refreshing, and it is a realization that the world continues to circle the sun. Things did not fall apart, and people still liked me.

In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 15), we find Saul failed big time because he tried to please others. Instead of doing what God wanted, he took things into his own hands. He blamed the people and tried to please them more than pleasing God. How sad a commentary on one who could have been a great king. This was the commentary of my life until I started my journey of self-awareness.

On a side note, this does not mean that we do not consider others better than ourselves or that we do not put others first. We do these things, but not at the expense of knowing who we are and being more self-aware.

Regarding my journey, I am not fully healed in this area. I continue to struggle from time to time, but I am getting better. I am processing this lesson for myself, realizing that I need to be more aware of my motivation for doing what I do.

If this resonates with you, I challenge you to take stock of your life. Why do you do what you do? Do you find it hard to say no because you are seeking approval? Are you afraid that people will not like you if you say no?

So let me ask you:

  • How are you doing in this area of your life?
  • How often are you doing things to get another’s approval and praise? How is that working for you?
  • How often do you feel used by others? This can happen when we want others’ approval. It is hard to say no because we fear they will not approve of or like us.
  • Think about when you stood your ground and said no to someone without feeling pressured to get their approval. How did that feel?

© Robert W. Odom, 2024

The Trap of Seeking Approval

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

April 20, 2024

Over the last several years, I have begun a journey to become more self-aware of God’s purpose for me as an individual. In so doing, I am learning what makes me do what I do and more about who I am. One thing I have learned is that I am a people-pleaser. It is hard to admit that, but it is true.

Now, let me explain why I believe this is true for me. When I was a child, I had a stepdad who was abusive emotionally, physically, and mentally. That impacted me deeply. I did not feel loved. It was the opposite. Rather than love, I felt anger. I believed it was my fault for my dad’s actions. He made no bones about not liking me. Therefore, I began to feel unwanted and unloved. This started my pursuit of getting approval from people because I wanted to be loved and accepted.

When I was twelve, I moved to my dad’s house. While things there were much better, my dad was not emotionally connected, and he was not able to communicate his love for us definitively. Other issues during my teenage years solidified my feeling of not being worthy. This was not good. As a result of this, I developed a false sense of what my worth and value looked like. The need for approval was heightened and grew stronger.

I was in my mid-fifties before I heard my dad say he loved and was proud of me. At least, that was the first time I remember. I overheard him on the phone with his pastor. He was telling his pastor how proud he was of me and what success he saw in me. I was overwhelmed by my dad’s complimentary words. Even though he was talking to his pastor and not to me directly, I believed I had received some of the admiration and approval I needed. Until then, I had been striving to get my dad’s approval. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and to think I was successful.

Because I did not receive those words in my early years, I began to seek approval from others. I would work hard. I was obedient and toed the line of what others thought of me. While I did desire to work hard and feel the joy of completing a task, I also worked hard so that whoever my boss or the key person in my life was, I would hear them say they were pleased with me. I was seeking approval. I wanted to please others and get their approval. When I did not get that, I would work harder and harder to get approval.

One of the problems was that I was drawn to people who praised me and gave their approval. Unfortunately, they often did this solely to motivate me to do what they wanted. Ultimately, they were less connected to me than I thought. Over and over, I would be disappointed because I would be let down when I needed to receive the approval I needed. When that did not work, too often, I would leave or disconnect from those I sought approval from. As a result, I made bad decisions based on needing approval rather than truth. Or I would be angry that I did not get the approval I had longed for.

A second issue was that, as a result, I desired so much to please others that I became overly concerned about what people thought of me. The problem is that people continued to disappoint me and would never say the right thing or give me the approval I needed or desired. I was in an endless cycle of disappointment because I would not get the approval and praise I sought. And when someone else was honored or praised, I would get offended and angry at the person getting rewarded.

Another problem was that since I was trying to get the approval and praise of others, I would often give in to what others wanted. This happened so much that I no longer knew what I wanted. I started to lose myself and my desires. I began to need clarification about my needs, goals, and aspirations.

When I realized this was what I was doing and began to work through this issue, I found that I was being healed. I found that I did not have to please people anymore. There was a release for me. It was fulfilling to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed and not simply to please everyone else. I could now decide based on what was right and what was founded in truth rather than trying to please others.

I have added an essential word to my vocabulary: no. How free it is to say no to the things I do not want to do without guilt or fear of not getting approval. Responding this way is refreshing, and it is a realization that the world continues to circle the sun. Things did not fall apart, and people still liked me.

In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 15), we find Saul failed big time because he tried to please others. Instead of doing what God wanted, he took things into his own hands. He blamed the people and tried to please them more than pleasing God. How sad a commentary on one who could have been a great king. This was the commentary of my life until I started my journey of self-awareness.

On a side note, this does not mean that we do not consider others better than ourselves or that we do not put others first. We do these things, but not at the expense of knowing who we are and being more self-aware.

Regarding my journey, I am not fully healed in this area. I continue to struggle from time to time, but I am getting better. I am processing this lesson for myself, realizing that I need to be more aware of my motivation for doing what I do.

If this resonates with you, I challenge you to take stock of your life. Why do you do what you do? Do you find it hard to say no because you are seeking approval? Are you afraid that people will not like you if you say no?

So let me ask you:

  1. How are you doing in this area of your life?
  • How often are you doing things to get another’s approval and praise? How is that working for you?
  • How often do you feel used by others? This can happen when we want others’ approval. It is hard to say no because we fear they will not approve of or like us.
  • Think about when you stood your ground and said no to someone without feeling pressured to get their approval. How did that feel?

© Robert W. Odom, 2024

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

May 18, 2024 · 2:42 pm

Expectations

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

May 18, 2024

Expectations

I’ve realized lately that many of us have unrealistic expectations. I know I have them. These expectations are often revealed as demands on others. When these expectations are unmet, we get frustrated and even angry with the other person. This creates a problem for each person.

Unhealthy expectations can cause us to be rigid. We do not want to change because we want to stay the same. In contrast, we want everyone else to live up to the expectations we cannot live up to. When we believe we should not make mistakes, we may never take risks because we fear failure. We are frozen in the fear that we may fail.

Sometimes, we have expectations as to what others should do or how they should act. When these expectations are not discussed, problems can arise. A case point might be a marriage relationship where expectations are unclear. For example, it could be the expectation of who handles the finances, who does the dishes, or who does the shopping.

These may seem simple and nonissues for many, but if one partner has an expectation that needs to be communicated, and it is not, problems can occur. They can become irritated or frustrated. They can lash out because of unmet expectations.

So, what do we do? Does this mean that we should not have any expectations? Not! We need to have expectations, but these expectations must be realistic and communicated where possible. In a relationship, it is helpful to agree on these expectations so that both people are on the same page. This would include friendships, business relationships, family, and marriage.

I can remember a time in my life when I would come home and find the driveway littered with toys and bikes. I would have to stop the car and remove these things before I could pull onto the driveway. When this happened, I would get angry and not be very happy. I would take my anger and unhappiness out on my kids and wife.

Since this was an ongoing situation, I began questioning why I responded as I did. After some consideration, I realized I had a false expectation of what the driveway should be like when I came home. I was expecting the driveway to be cleared of everything. Instead of being happy that my kids had toys and enjoyed playing outside, I complained and presented a negative attitude. I had an expectation that was born from a selfish motivation. The truth is I wanted to be safe. I did not want to waste my time cleaning the driveway.

In the following days, I began praying that my attitude would change. After some time, I realized I was no longer angry that the driveway was messy. I did not get angry anymore. I arrived home with a different attitude.

To deal with false expectations, we must first acknowledge that we have them. Some of these expectations come from how we see the world. We can believe that things will always be positive and good, and when they are not, we are negatively affected.  We can think that we will be treated fairly, but that will only sometimes happen. People will hurt you, and they will cause pain both intentionally and unintentionally.

Secondly, you might have unhealthy expectations if you get angry when certain things do not happen as you believe they should. If this is the case, we may need to ascertain why we get angry. What is driving the anger? Is there a real issue, or is it simply an unmet expectation?

Thirdly, rethink your expectations. This is especially true regarding our demands on others. We expect people to act and respond to us in a certain way. When they do not, we become angry and upset. If this is the case, we need to evaluate the expectations to ensure that we are not expecting what may never happen.

Fourth, talk to someone who knows you. Ask them if they believe you have unhealthy expectations or any blind spots. Amazingly, people see our blind spots in ourselves long before we see them. We may not like what they reveal, but trust your heart and trust them to speak the truth.

Finally, respond to the revelation of your unhealthy expectations. Take steps to change. Take action to modulate your expectations. This may take time but take some action to bring about the necessary change for a better-balanced life. Ultimately, you will be emotionally and spiritually better off than without this analysis.

So let me ask you,

  1. What unhealthy expectations do you have? Be specific.
  • Where do you try to force others to live up to your unhealthy expectations?
  • Who in your life can speak to the blind spots in your life? Talk to them and allow them to reveal the truth to you.
  • Spend some time considering your unhealthy expectations and where you can modulate these expectations.
  • Continue to evaluate your life and adjust to any new unhealthy expectations that might arise.

© Robert W. Odom, 2024

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

January 12, 2024 · 10:05 am

Mary and the Surprises of God

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.  

In reading the New Testament about the birth of Jesus, it is noteworthy that Matthew gives us Joseph’s genealogy. In his writing, Matthew mentions five women with assorted backgrounds. What is truly interesting is that Matthew places Mary in his genealogy. Luke’s genealogy, while he traces Mary’s genealogy, does not mention Mary.

Now, here is where it gets interesting. Both Mary and Joseph were from the line of David, which was a key component of satisfying the prophecies of the Old Testament. Joseph came from the line of Solomon, while Mary was from the line of Nathan. Both were sons of David and Bathsheba. Without this connection, there could be an argument that Jesus was not the legitimate Messiah. That solved the issue and closed the door to argumentation.

What does the story of Mary teach us? While there are many lessons. One of those, I believe, is that the story teaches us that sometimes God surprises us. He certainly surprised Mary with the announcement that she was pregnant. Even she proclaimed. How could this be? In a casual reading, we may miss the meaning of this phrase. How could this be since she was a virgin? How could this be since she had not known a man sexually? How could this be when she was betrothed to Joseph? What would be his reaction? What would her parents’ reaction be? These are all legitimate questions. They are necessary for us to resolve the surprise of God in our hearts.

As we see in the story, she was visited by an angel who gave her this news, but that same angel comforted and assured her that God was with her. When we are surprised by the workings of God, we, too, need to be assured that God is with us. One of the things that we can be assured of is that if God has called us to do something incredible, he will provide the means and the way for it to take place.

Mary was an ordinary teenage girl with normal expectations. She was in the process of marrying Joseph when all of this took place. She did not anticipate this blessing. She did not ask for it, and yet God blessed her. God chose to use her not because she was special but because of God’s choice. I guess that God could have used many other women of that day to be the birth mother of Jesus, but he didn’t. He chose Mary.

When God surprises us, we can sometimes battle self-esteem and issues of worthiness because we look around and see others who are more qualified. We look and see people with a more excellent education. We look at people who are more talented than we are. I wonder if Mary did not go through this at times. But here’s the deal: if God has called you, he will equip you and put the people in your path who can help you succeed at whatever God has called you to do. I will tell you today, as the angel Gabriel told Mary and Joseph, not to be afraid. What God has called you to do, he will see it through.

Sometimes, God has to work in us before he can work through us to touch the world around us. I would encourage you today to allow God to do whatever work he needs to do, and as he does that, he will begin to work through you. I am always amazed at how God opens doors when I least expect it.

We did not know what to expect when we left our last assignment and moved to Richmond. We moved without a job or any promises. Since that time, we have seen God surprise us so many times. He continues to bless us and surprise us.

The surprises of God and life come in many different shapes and sizes. It could be a new job, a new house, or new sources of income. It could be in meeting new friends. Sometimes, life’s surprises bring pain and hurt, such as losing a loved one. But no matter the surprise, God uses them to bring about His will and purposes in our lives.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where has God surprised you?
  2. When God surprised you, what questions did you have?
  3. How did you resolve these questions?
  4. What emotions did you have to process to accept the surprises of God?
  5. How has your life been different since God has surprised you?

© Robert W. Odom 2024

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 31, 2023 · 11:25 am

Bathsheba: A Story of Abuse and Pain

 Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

Today, we will look at the next installment in our series on the women in Matthew’s genealogy. We will look at the story of Bathsheba. I am sure we have all heard her story, so it is not new, but I would like to share a few thoughts.

The story about Bethesda is also the story of David. As we read the story, we find that David’s failures set the tone for the story. David was home from battle. He should have been on the front lines with his army. After all, he was the commander-in-chief.  Instead, he was on the roof of his house. On his roof, he saw a beautiful young woman on the roof below. She was bathing.

Being the king, he could have any woman he wanted. The woman had little recourse or counteractions she could take. David abused his power and took Bathsheba. Even after he knew she was married, he took her. He slept with her, and almost immediately after, she told David that she was pregnant. David, being the man he was in the moment, tried to hide his sin.

He called for Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, and brought him home to be with his wife. Uriah refused to sleep with her because he had more integrity than David. Instead of sleeping with her, he slept with his servants. He could not do this while his men were on the battlefield. Because he refused, David came up with a second plan. He called for Joab, the leader of the troops. He ordered Joab to put Uriah on the front line and then pull everyone back so he would be killed. And that is what they did.

To make matters worse, shortly after he was born, the son of Bathsheba died. Can you imagine the pain that she experienced? She was forced to have sex with David, she lost her husband, and she lost her child. How devastated she was. How much pain and suffering she was having. This is because one man lost his integrity and tried to cover up his sin. David the King failed big time and caused great suffering for Bathsheba.

Too many today have suffered from those in authority. We have seen it in business, politics, families, and, unfortunately, the church. People have left a wake of pain and suffering due to their harmful actions. The only difference is that David repented. We see this in Psalm 51. Too often, however, too many abusers never repent. They continue to leave people in their destructive wake of abuse and pain.

The Bible is about the redemptive work of God. We see this in Bathsheba’s life. Amazingly, many people think Solomon’s writings in Proverbs 31, about the virtue of a good woman, was his way of honoring Bathsheba. She allowed God to heal her brokenness and was used by God to raise her children in the ways of God.

With all of her suffering, God used her. Why was she in the genealogy of Christ? It was twofold. First, she was to be the mother of Solomon, who would be in the lineage of Christ. He would be in Joseph’s direct line. But many do not know that she was also Nathan’s mother. Nathan would be in the lineage of Mary, so both Joseph and Mary were from the line of David. This way, there could be no argument about the fulfillment of the Davidic Covenant that said that David’s kingdom would never end. It is continued through the Kingdom of God by way of the birth of Christ.

What do we learn from this? First, if you have been abused, God sees you. God knows what you have been going through and what you are dealing with now. I am not sure what Bathsheba felt, but I wonder if she sometimes felt forgotten by God.

Second, God will use your pain to touch other’s lives. She raised sons who followed God. God uses the broken. He uses the abused and the forgotten. Those who have often navigated the pain and hurt brought on by others have more empathy and compassion for others.

Third, though David repented, it cost him. He lost his son. He lost his kingdom. He was not allowed to build the temple, which was one of his greatest desires. He also saw many of his sons rebel against him. We must remember that we may repent and confess in life, but we still have to pay the price for our decisions.

So let me ask you?

  1. Have you been abused? What emotions did you experience? Sometimes, we need to be honest about our emotions and pain. That starts our healing process.
  2. Where has God helped you navigate the emotions of the abuse?
  3. Where have you witnessed God use your pain to reach others? How has this helped you on your journey?
  4. Have you experienced someone who repented but had to pay the consequences of their choices? Describe this experience.
  5. Where do you see God working in your life now?

© Robert W. Odom 2023

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

December 22, 2023 · 2:43 pm

Ruth: a Story of Hope

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I have shared the story of Tamar and Rahab, but today, we will look at the life and story of Ruth. The theme of this story is hope. When all seems lost, the redeemer comes through. While Tamar and Rahab would make good Lifetime or Netflix movies, Ruth would be a beautiful hallmark movie.

Our story begins with Naomi and Elimelech moving to Egypt because of the famine. They had two sons, Mahlon and Chilion. The sons married two women from Moab named Ruth and Orpah. After some time, Elimelech died. Ten years later, Malon and Chilion died. We do not know why they died, but we know life was hard then.

Because of the death of these men, Naomi, Ruth, and Orpah were left alone. They would have to fend for themselves. Therefore, Naomi returned to Bethlehem, where she had family and friends. She gave Ruth and Orpah the option of moving back with their families. She strongly encouraged them to do so. Orpah chose to do so, but Ruth stayed with her.

Ruth’s commitment was epic. So much so that her quote is one of the most used at weddings. In Ruth 1:16-18 Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” 18 And when Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more.

What a statement of commitment and connectedness. While this was a blessing, Naomi was still grieving the loss of her husband and her sons. In fact, when she returned to Egypt, she wanted her name changed to Marra. It was a play on words.  Naomi means pleasure, and Marra means sorrow. She was filled with sorrow and grief. It is noteworthy that we never see that she was called this.

When they arrived in Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz, a farmer who allowed Ruth to reap the grain she and Naomi needed from his fields. Their relationship blossomed, and eventually, they committed themselves to each other.

Ruth discovered that Boaz was a relative of Elimelech; therefore, he had the right to redeem her according to Jewish law. This meant that he could marry her and continue the lineage of Jesus. Under the law of the day, when one was widowed, the next brother in line was to marry his brother’s wife. In this case, however, there was no brother. So, under the law, the next of kin, whoever that was, could marry the widow and carry on the family name.

But there was a problem. There was another redeemer or relative. By law, Boaz had to meet with him to discuss his interest in marrying Ruth. The first redeemer decided to relinquish his right to marry Ruth and, subsequently, the land of Naomi. They used an interesting agreement strategy. They brought in the elders of the city to witness the agreement.  The agreement was ratified by exchanging one single shoe with each other.

This gave Boaz the right to marry Ruth, making him the kinsman redeemer. As a result of their marriage, Ruth gave birth to a son named Obed. Obed was the father of Jesse, who became the father of David. And David as we know was in the promised lineage of the Messiah’s birth.

From this story, there are several lessons. First, blessings come when we bless others. Ruth could have gone her own way, but she blessed Naomi by staying with her. Ruth’s love was evident in all that she did. When we bless others, we focus on them rather than our problems.

The second lesson is that loss is hard, but we can trust God in every situation. While dealing with loss, it is sometimes hard to see an end to things. The way seems dark and hopeless, but as we trust God, He provides a way.  For Ruth and Naomi, the way seemed impossible. But God sent the kinsmen redeemer to make a way for them and bring them into his family.

The third lesson of this story is that it is a picture of what Christ does for us.  We are lost and hopeless, and we need someone to redeem us. Jesus did that on the cross and, in so doing, draws us into His family. We are no longer alone. We are connected. All that is His is ours through His death on the cross.

Therefore, we do not have to face loss and grief by ourselves. He is with us, and we have an incredible family around us. Sometimes the grief is so hard that we do not see hope, but it is there.

So, let me ask you?

  1. What lessons do you learn from the study of Ruth? What truths revealed in this story can you apply in your life?
  2. Have you experienced loss? Where have you seen God provide for you in your loss?
  3. We can know that God will come through, but it still surprises us when He does. Where has God surprised you?
  4. Where have you helped someone else when you were in pain? What benefits did you realize in doing this?
  5. As I often do, I recommend you do a gratitude journal where you list the ways God has blessed you and you have witnessed His grace.

© Robert Odom 2023  

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , ,