Category Archives: Uncategorized

August 6, 2023 · 6:46 am

Grief and Psalm 46

I love Psalm 46. I have used this passage many times at funeral services to encourage others. When we face grief and trauma, this passage brings hope. The problem is that too often when we grieve or encounter traumatic events, we can become angry with God as we feel He has let us down. We are disappointed and upset that the outcomes we hoped for were not different. This is a natural result of facing difficult issues. However, let me let you in on a secret. God can handle our disappointment and anger. He wants us to be honest with Him. Rather than bury our emotions, we need to face them. It is okay to be angry, but we must direct our anger to the right place.

Now to Psalm 46. David begins the passage with an incredible word of hope and a revelation of the work of God to sustain us. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 26:1, ESV). This passage speaks to the promise of God that He will not leave or forsake us. Notice that David gives us three descriptions of God. First, He is a refuge. He is a safe place to go amid life’s problems. God is strength. The writers of the New Testament state that our weakness is the best place for His strength to be revealed (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). He is also present and wants to help in times of trouble. He is an ever-present God who knows what we go through.

While David makes these pivotable statements about the character of God, he begins to detail an illustrative view of what life can be like. I love his descriptions. Look at these. Though the earth gives way, the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas, the waters roar and foam, and the mountains tremble. David was describing a world that was falling apart. Life was hard. Things were changing, and it felt like nothing was secure.

When we face grief and trauma, our lives can feel this way. It can feel that our world is falling apart. The foundations that we thought were secure can be shaken to their core. Our loved one who dies can cause our world to fall apart. Because of our love for them, we can feel lost and unsure about the future.  When we lose our jobs, we can begin to feel insecure, although we thought we were in a good position for promotion and retirement in the future. The person we trusted cheated us out of money, and now we find that our financial world is in a crisis. The friendship or relationship we thought was secure has ended suddenly. They deceived us. They broke our hearts. The divorce experienced was more than our hearts can take. And now we must deal with them as we try to resolve finances, home, kids, and new relationships.

Grief and trauma do that to us. It causes us to question life and reconsider what is secure. We can begin to ask what kind of future we have. We wonder if there is any hope. We wonder if life will ever be normal again. We wait for the next problem to arise. We feel depressed. We feel alone. We feel lost. Our world has shifted. 

While all these statements are factual, at the end of Psalm 46, David reminds us that no matter what happens, one thing remains the same. God is the same. David challenges us to “Be still and know that God is still God.” This is much harder than it appears. Too often, when we face the difficult struggles of life, we can question God’s reasoning for the events we encounter. What does it mean to be still? When facing the difficulties described in this passage, we can struggle to be still and quiet our minds from all the thoughts flooding our minds.

To be still can mean different things to different people. So let me offer a couple of suggestions. First, journal your thoughts. For some, this can be therapeutic. Through journaling, we can write our thoughts, share our emotions, and be honest about our feelings. We can do so without the fear of judgment or criticism. Before journaling, pause to think about your feelings and the pressures you are facing. Write those things down.

Second, we can meditate and consider what we are thankful for amid our struggles. This is easier said than done. But looking for the positive amid the difficulty can give us hope. While the above scenarios can be difficult, we can refocus our minds by being thankful. In so doing, thankfulness helps to quiet our hearts and restore our minds.

Third, rest your mind. That may be an oversimplified suggestion, but it can make a difference. Rest is important. It means that we quiet our minds and our souls. It might mean simply sitting in a chair with our eyes closed. It might mean going for a walk or a run. It might be finding a quiet place in a park or beach. The point is that resting our minds allows us to be still and know that God has not changed. He is still a present help in times of trouble.

Fourth, listen to music. Music can have a calming effect. The amazing thing is that music can soothe the soul. And the remarkable thing is that a plethora of music is available for every heart. For me, worship music is one way to quiet my heart and rest.

Here is the deal, grief, and trauma will turn our world upside down, but we must find ways to quiet our hearts and rest amid the difficulty. This is not always easy, but it is necessary.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where is it that your world is being turned upside down? Be specific.
  2. Where do you find it hard to trust God amid the grieving process?
  3. What helps you quiet your mind in difficult situations?
  4. Have you tried journaling? If not, try it. Be honest about your emotions.
  5. Most of all, know that God is present to help you. Where do you see God at work?

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July 18, 2023 · 11:24 am

Somewhere I Belong

Robert Odom Ph. D.

I do not know why I have been drawn to some songs lately, but I have. These songs have spoken volumes to me. I recently heard an old song by Linkin Park. Yes, Linkin Park. Please don’t judge me. The song was “Somewhere I Belong.” These are the words.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long

(Erase all of the pain ‘til its gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something all along

Somewhere I belong.

As I listened to the song and thought about the words of the song, I could not help but ask a question. How many people feel they need a place to belong? How many are hurting and want to find a place of connection? They want to join a community where they are accepted and heard. They want to belong. They want a safe place to deal with the pain they are experiencing.

I cannot help but believe that many today seek a safe place to belong. A place where they can connect. A place where they can be authentic about their pain.

The fact is that, too often, we do not know what those around us are experiencing. For many people, we do not see the pain they experience but only know the surface emotions they express. They have become good at hiding their pain because of the reactions they receive. We do not know the rejection and sorrow deep within their spirit and soul.

But what would happen if we really cared about those around us? What if we listened intently to their stories? What if we allowed them to share their pain and their struggles? And what if we did so without judgment or condemnation? What if we earned the right to speak into their lives by listening and building trust? What if we did so without patented answers that put everyone into the same category?

So many organizations and people claim to be a safe place for people to speak their hearts. Unfortunately, too often, when people share their stories, some bristle. Some unintentionally judge and criticize the person rather than accepting them where they are. Please note that I am not saying we should not speak into people’s lives, but we must use wisdom. Too often, we want to give solutions when we do not know the problems or the emotions people might be sorting through. It is like treating an infection with aspirin rather than an antibiotic.

People are hurting, and they want a place to connect. To belong is a critical aspect of living as we have been created with the need to belong. To belong is an important part of our life, growth, and development. Belonging is crucial to our satisfaction, mental well-being, and physical health. When we belong, even our longevity is increased. Therefore, belonging is a critical part of living life. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, one of the needs of humankind is to belong. People will seek to belong, and many issues arise when that is not realized.

The difficulty is that some looking to connect only sometimes do so in healthy ways. Too often, they will try too hard and alienate people in the process. For others, they will be so introvertish that they will not communicate much at all. For others, they may become clingy and enter our personal space. This makes some people uncomfortable. But be patient with them.

I will add that this is not only an issue for the down and out but also for those who appear well-to-do. This need to belong is an issue regardless of social status or the amount of wealth one has. This applies to those on the street to those living in a mansion. We all need to belong to something that brings life and hope. 

So how do we help people belong? First, we need to observe those who need connection. We need to listen to their needs and the issues they face. We cannot force connections but provide a safe place for people to connect. We can love people and listen to them.

Be more available to listen than give advice. Too often, we want to interject our opinions before we hear the heart of the person looking to connect. In so doing, we miss opportunities to help people connect.

It is interesting that in the song, they say they want something real. I believe this is critical. People want real environments that are safe, but also, they want authentic relationships. They do not want to feel like they are a project but that people really care.

It is not what we say but our actions that are critical. We speak, but we put our words into action. We love because we want to see people connect and find a safe place where they can work out their problems. We can be the catalysts for that to happen.  

In Scripture, it is not a mistake that we read that you are my disciples when we love one another. Jesus’ command in John 13:34-35 was that we love one another. Jesus also summed up our belief structure in two commands. Love God. Love others. To do so, we love others as Jesus did. He went to the outcast (the woman at the well, the woman accused of adultery, the leper, and so on). For that reason, he was accused of eating with sinners. May we be accused of that as we allow for a safe place for people to find connections and a place to belong.

So let me ask you:

  1. What kind of space do you give those who are hurting? Is it a safe place or one of judgment? Explain this.
  2. Do you allow people to share their hurt and pain? If not, what needs to change?
  3. Are you quick to offer advice without hearing people’s problems? If so, how can you change this and be a better listener?
  4. What do you think it means to love others? How do you identify with this command of Jesus? Do you everyone or just a select group?
  5. If you struggle with these questions, pray, meditate, and journal your feelings. Find someone to talk to about these feelings.

© Robert W. Odom 2013

Somewhere I Belong

Robert Odom Ph. D.

I do not know why I have been drawn to some songs lately, but I have. These songs have spoken volumes to me. I recently heard an old song by Linkin Park. Yes, Linkin Park. Please don’t judge me. The song was “Somewhere I Belong.” These are the words.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long

(Erase all of the pain ‘til its gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something all along

Somewhere I belong.

As I listened to the song and thought about the words of the song, I could not help but ask a question. How many people feel they need a place to belong? How many are hurting and want to find a place of connection? They want to join a community where they are accepted and heard. They want to belong. They want a safe place to deal with the pain they are experiencing.

I cannot help but believe that many today seek a safe place to belong. A place where they can connect. A place where they can be authentic about their pain.

The fact is that, too often, we do not know what those around us are experiencing. For many people, we do not see the pain they experience but only know the surface emotions they express. They have become good at hiding their pain because of the reactions they receive. We do not know the rejection and sorrow deep within their spirit and soul.

But what would happen if we really cared about those around us? What if we listened intently to their stories? What if we allowed them to share their pain and their struggles? And what if we did so without judgment or condemnation? What if we earned the right to speak into their lives by listening and building trust? What if we did so without patented answers that put everyone into the same category?

So many organizations and people claim to be a safe place for people to speak their hearts. Unfortunately, too often, when people share their stories, some bristle. Some unintentionally judge and criticize the person rather than accepting them where they are. Please note that I am not saying we should not speak into people’s lives, but we must use wisdom. Too often, we want to give solutions when we do not know the problems or the emotions people might be sorting through. It is like treating an infection with aspirin rather than an antibiotic.

People are hurting, and they want a place to connect. To belong is a critical aspect of living as we have been created with the need to belong. To belong is an important part of our life, growth, and development. Belonging is crucial to our satisfaction, mental well-being, and physical health. When we belong, even our longevity is increased. Therefore, belonging is a critical part of living life. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, one of the needs of humankind is to belong. People will seek to belong, and many issues arise when that is not realized.

The difficulty is that some looking to connect only sometimes do so in healthy ways. Too often, they will try too hard and alienate people in the process. For others, they will be so introvertish that they will not communicate much at all. For others, they may become clingy and enter our personal space. This makes some people uncomfortable. But be patient with them.

I will add that this is not only an issue for the down and out but also for those who appear well-to-do. This need to belong is an issue regardless of social status or the amount of wealth one has. This applies to those on the street to those living in a mansion. We all need to belong to something that brings life and hope. 

So how do we help people belong? First, we need to observe those who need connection. We need to listen to their needs and the issues they face. We cannot force connections but provide a safe place for people to connect. We can love people and listen to them.

Be more available to listen than give advice. Too often, we want to interject our opinions before we hear the heart of the person looking to connect. In so doing, we miss opportunities to help people connect.

It is interesting that in the song, they say they want something real. I believe this is critical. People want real environments that are safe, but also, they want authentic relationships. They do not want to feel like they are a project but that people really care.

It is not what we say but our actions that are critical. We speak, but we put our words into action. We love because we want to see people connect and find a safe place where they can work out their problems. We can be the catalysts for that to happen.  

In Scripture, it is not a mistake that we read that you are my disciples when we love one another. Jesus’ command in John 13:34-35 was that we love one another. Jesus also summed up our belief structure in two commands. Love God. Love others. To do so, we love others as Jesus did. He went to the outcast (the woman at the well, the woman accused of adultery, the leper, and so on). For that reason, he was accused of eating with sinners. May we be accused of that as we allow for a safe place for people to find connections and a place to belong.

So let me ask you:

  1. What kind of space do you give those who are hurting? Is it a safe place or one of judgment? Explain this.
  2. Do you allow people to share their hurt and pain? If not, what needs to change?
  3. Are you quick to offer advice without hearing people’s problems? If so, how can you change this and be a better listener?
  4. What do you think it means to love others? How do you identify with this command of Jesus? Do you everyone or just a select group?
  5. If you struggle with these questions, pray, meditate, and journal your feelings. Find someone to talk to about these feelings.

© Robert W. Odom 2013

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July 6, 2023 · 2:27 pm

I Need A Favor

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

As many of you know, I love to take illustrations from life to make Biblical statements. I recently heard a song on the radio that made me think about grief and prayer. The song is “I Need A Favor” by Jelly Roll. It is an interesting song because the singer is transparent about the struggle to have a marginal relationship with God. This struggle is highlighted by how some only pray during a major crisis. Because of the struggles one has, they wonder if God will hear them. Sometimes all we can do is throw up Hail Mary prayers and hope God hears them.

We can feel that way when we face traumatic events that lead to grief. We want to pray but know we have yet to do so consistently. We have only prayed when we have a crisis; now that we have a crisis, we are afraid God will not answer.  We are worried that if we pray, God will not hear us. But let me assure you that He does. He will answer.

Grief is confusing enough without the guilt or feeling that we are not a good person or are not praying enough. The fact is that many people do not think God accepts them. They do not feel good enough. So instead of turning to God, they turn elsewhere to find relief.

Unfortunately, the church has not done much to help this scenario as they sometimes make you feel you must be a part of the club for God to listen to you. We think we must be a part of the in-crowd of Jesus to be accepted. The church does not always intend to do this, but we can make people feel like they are second-class citizens and need to rise to a certain level before they can pray or seek God. I do not include every church in this because I do not want to broad-brush the church. Some congregations see the need to accept people right where they are. They are doing this and they are reaching people with grace and mercy.

When I was younger, I attended a “revival” service, and a young couple went to the altar in response to the call. She was wearing a halter top and hot pants. He had cut-off jeans and a T-shirt. I was amazed that the evangelist instructed the couple to go home and change clothes. The man was to cut his hair. If they did this, they could return, and he would lead them in the sinner’s prayer.

Let me say this. There are so many things wrong with this on so many levels. It is no wonder that Jelly Roll has penned the words he has.  The church can unintentionally (and intentionally) set up roadblocks. But, I find that Jesus was accused of eating with sinners. He went to the lowly and the confused. He went to the woman at the well, who was rejected on many levels. He went to the demon-possessed. He went to the Samaritan, who had been rejected by the religious organization of Jesus’ day. I could go on but you get the picture.

With that said, I wonder how many never approach God or the church because of guilt and fear of acceptance. How many people reject God because of what the church has done? I also wonder what would happen if we made churches safe places for people to reach out. What would our communities look like if we permitted people to be who they are and meet God where they are? This does not mean we compromise the gospel, but rather it enables the power of the gospel to reach all people. Rather than roadblocks we need to be avenues for people to reach out to God.

Finally, if you find yourself in the position of being afraid of asking God for anything, let me say God accepts you right where you are. You do not have to pass an entrance exam. If you pray, He will hear you. This means wherever you are; he will be there. Whatever you have done, He will listen. Give it a try and see what happens.

So let me ask you:

  • What would your church look like if it were a safe place for all people to meet with God?
  • What in your life needs to change to be more accepting and less judgmental of others?
  • What are you holding back because you fear what the church or religious organization will do if the truth is exposed?
  • If you are afraid of not being accepted by the church or the people, continue to search for a church that provides a safe place. They are out there. What would that church look like for you?

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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May 30, 2023 · 11:50 am

Loneliness Part Two

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

In my last post, I began a conversation about loneliness. I want to continue that discussion here today. Last time we took an overview of loneliness. Today, my purpose is to consider and offer suggestions for helping with loneliness.

First, we need to connect with others when feeling lonely. This is not always easy, especially when trust is crucial to our loneliness. But be intentional and take a step in connecting. Find groups or individuals who have similar likes. Meet with them and have fun.

Second, sometimes we have to push through our fears and anxiety. This is not always easy, but it is critical to dimmish the feelings of loneliness. Once we push through the fear, we may find that it is not as hard as we thought. This action will be worth pushing through the fear and anxiety to find a new normal on the other side.

Third, if it is too difficult to push through, talk with a friend and have them hold you accountable for pushing through. They can encourage you and keep you focused on what matters. Be ready for them to push you to connect. Know they love you and want the best for you.

Fourth, if the emotional trauma of loneliness persists, you may need counseling. This is a good thing. A good counselor can uncover emotional, mental, or experiential reasons why loneliness affects us. They can help you understand why you feel lonely and prescribe ways to overcome it. You might be surprised at what is revealed and equally surprised at how you can transverse the pain of loneliness to live a new day.

As a pastor and chaplain, I cannot help but turn to Scripture for help. We need others in our life. That is why connecting with others is so important. The words of Solomon, who was one of the wisest men alive, spoke these words in Ecclesiastes. Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can they keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Solomon was able to explain the need for friendship and connecting with others. There is safety in connection. Two can get more accomplished. When they fall or return to unhealthy ways of handling emotional issues, others will be able to help. When needing protection, others can help us find our way. That is why we need others.

I know this does not answer all of the problems with loneliness but are steps to assist in overcoming loneliness. But as I close this, I will offer specific possibilities for connecting.

  • Join groups that do things you enjoy. It might be golf, fishing, hobbies, cooking classes, foodie groups, sports activities, or other social groups. Take a class. Learn something new.
  • Be physically active. This increases the endorphins, which makes us feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically.
  • Be intentional about staying in touch with family and friends. Being intentional can help us connect with others. If we are not intentional, we may never connect and build relationships.
  • Find a faith-based organization that provides small groups.
  • Volunteer at organizations that need help. Food banks, nursing homes, community groups, and others.

Finally, prayer is a huge help in combatting loneliness.  Prayer connects us with God. Prayer touches our emotions and helps us overcome the void in our life.

So let me ask you:

  1. Are you feeling lonely? Please describe this feeling and the emotions you are experiencing.
  2. What steps are you taking to overcome your anxiety and fears?
  3. What friends or associates can you connect with?
  4. Do you have a faith-based community to join? If so, what steps can you take to make this happen?
  5. Are there social or community groups you can join? Make a list of these organizations. And then contact them to see how you can volunteer.
  6. Pray for God to help you overcome these fears and the anxiety of loneliness. You will not regret it.

© Robert W. Odom, 2003

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May 15, 2023 · 3:45 pm

Navigating Loneliness

Robert Odom Ph. D.

The Beatles penned the following words. “All the lonely people, where do they come from? All the lonely people, where do they belong?” (Eleanor Rigby released in 1966) These words caught my attention because I have been reading about loneliness lately. One report I read stated that 36% of all Americans feel serious loneliness. This includes 61% of young adults and 51% of women with young children. There is also evidence that loneliness has substantially increased since the Covid outbreak. I am not surprised by this last statistic.

On the one hand, this is an interesting phenomenon because we are one of the most connected societies ever. We have text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, and more. And yet, we live in a lonely society. More and more people are expressing chronic loneliness. Sadly, chronic loneliness has been linked to early mortality. In addition, loneliness can cause physical and emotional problems. These include depression, anxiety, heart disease, substance abuse, and domestic abuse. Pornography can also be a factor for some. They go to pornography as a way to deal with their loneliness.   

I know loneliness can be a complex situation. So, I don’t want to give a simplified answer. I also know that in this short blog, all aspects of loneliness cannot be explored. Therefore we will take the next couple of weeks to unpack this and consider solutions and ways to counteract loneliness. Even then we will only touch the service. But my goal is to encourage ways to combat so we can be in healthy relationships.

In my study of loneliness, this state of mind can result from several experiences or issues. For some, they have been abused. Because of this, they do not know who to trust. They are ashamed and blame themselves for the abuse. They feel safer isolating and avoiding people rather than facing abuse again.

For some people, it is a matter of trust. They have been lied to. They have been deceived. Their relationship has ended terribly. They do not know how to function in the community because of mistrust and insecurity.

Sometimes our loneliness is a result of our fear of being found out. We can fear that people might not like what they see in us if we become too personal. As a result, we struggle with our identity and who we are. As a result, we put up a false front. In other words, we are fake around people, and we are afraid that if we connect, they will not like the person we indeed are. This causes us to isolate which can exasperate the feelings of loneliness.

In all of these is an element of shame. Shame drives us to isolate and hide. We avoid relationships. In so doing, this impacts our spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. Shame drives us away rather than bringing us into relationships.

So how do we deal with loneliness? Here is where I will offer some ideas but discuss more next week. One of the statements made in life is that sometimes when we have a negative attitude, we must approach life with the opposite attitude. For example, with loneliness, we need to find community. We need to find a place to connect where we can begin to live life in a complete and meaningful way.

It may mean volunteering at a nonprofit. There are plenty of organizations that welcome people to serve. In providing a service to the organization, you are blessed as you can connect with others.  Sometimes it is movement in the direction of connection that is important. Attend a church gathering. Join a community group or a discipleship group. Find an activity that you enjoy.

This can be a challenging step, but it is a start. We do this one step at a time. I love our church as they have several points of entry into the church. They have short-term community groups and extended discipleship groups. So, when I say take one step at a time, this may mean signing up for one of the groups and then attending. If this group does not work, find one that does.  In so doing we begin to break through the barrier of loneliness and begin to real authentic relationships.

Next week we will get deeper into this subject as we explore loneliness. We will not explore everything, but we can have some good discussions. So let me ask you:

  1. Do you feel lonely? Explain why you think that. Be specific.
  2. What is the cause of loneliness for you? Is it shame, past experiences, or something else that drives this issue? Be honest and write out what you believe is the cause. As you identify the causes or at least what you think the causes are we can begin to take positive steps.
  3. What small steps can you take to connect with others? Consider one or two things you can do this week to combat loneliness and begin to build authentic relationships.
  4. Who can you talk to about your sense of loneliness? This is important, especially if you have suicidal ideations or want to hurt others. Talk to a friend, a colleague, a pastor, or a counselor.

© Robert Odom 2023

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May 4, 2023 · 2:50 pm

The Voices in My Head

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I remember, as a young boy, that people would joke about others who would hear voices. As I have grown up, I have realized that I hear voices. You know what I mean. If you are like me, you struggle with internal conversations. For me, it goes something like this. First, I encounter something uneasy or complicated. This could be a conversation with someone. It could be a confrontation. It could be a mistake made.  When I encounter these things, I almost always have an internal dialogue. The conversation goes something like this. Bob, you blew it. You messed up. Bob, you are no good. You are a failure. There is no hope for change. You cannot do this. Then, I try to figure out what they meant by what they said, which always seems to go to the negative.

If we are honest, we all have voices. We all have voices that talk us into doing things, and those same voices can also talk us out of doing things. For example, will I be anxious, or will I be patient? Will I respond with anger, or will I be open to communication? Will I concentrate on the truth, or will I believe the lies? These voices are a part of our mental capacity to resolve issues. Therefore, as we process the voices in our head, we must understand that it is not the voices that are a problem; it is what we do with the voices that matter.

One of my favorite passages in the New Testament is the one that says that we should take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). I love this because I understand how vital our thoughts are in healing. When thoughts come, we must consider the thought and why we are having such thoughts. It is here that we must take our thoughts captive. In taking them captive, we must examine them to understand the truth of the thought.

Another passage adds value to this discussion. It is found in Philippians 4:8. It says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

So when these thoughts come, we apply the truth. We apply the truth when our thoughts tell us we are a failure. Am I a failure, or did I fail in this one area of my life? So many things are true, but are they worthy of our thoughts? Do these thoughts encourage us to do what is honorable, just, and pure, or do they push us to do evil and get even?

The problem too often is that we can become myopic in our view of things so that we believe the negative voices in our heads. When the voice in my head tells me that I am no good, the honorable thing to do is review what I have done. Look at what needs to change so that I turn the situation into a positive and so I can learn from what has been stated. There is some element of truth with most criticisms, so I need to discern what is truth and what is distortion.

When I am anxious, I can flee or face the situation. I can run, or I can deal with my anxiety. My negative talk tells me to get out of there. For example, my negative thoughts push me to run rather than face my problems. The honorable thing is to face my problems rather than run. We do this by analyzing our thought processes. In this way, we take them captive and bring them in obedience to Christ’s way of living.

So let me ask you:

  1. What are the voices you are listening to?
  • What voices do you need to take captive?
  • Where must you choose to do what is honorable, just, and pure? What would this look like for you?
  • Where are you running rather than facing your problems?  
  • Perhaps you need a friend, a counselor, or someone to help you discern what is true and what needs to change. In so doing, they have you interpret the voices you hear.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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April 20, 2023 · 6:57 pm

Emotional Healing

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

One of the issues I have encountered and addressed with people recently is the idea of what shapes us. Additionally, I have looked at the triggers that cause us to respond and react to the things we encounter. Sometimes these are easy to recognize, but at other times we must dig deeper to discover what causes us to do what we do.

Today I want to examine why we do what we do. The best place to begin is in the beginning. When God created humankind, He did so in His image. Although we are not God, we have been created in the likeness of God. So, when we are born, we are born with the image of God stamped upon our hearts.

After birth, we are exposed to different stimuli and experiences as we move through life. These stimuli and experiences can shape us into something different from how we were created. In this discussion, there is a second dimension that needs consideration. Although we are made in the image or likeness of God, God also creates each of us differently. This is the foundation of the nature and nurture debate. Are we born that way, or do life experiences impact us? My simple answer is yes. While both impact our responses, I focus today on the learned traits or nurture aspects.

Combine our God-given traits with adverse exposures, and we can begin to respond negatively to our experiences. As we go through life, we are faced with problems. These problems shape us and begin to define us. They can define us in both positive and negative ways. We learn to put up a false front when confronted with the truth. We lie to cover our faults. We compartmentalize and close down when we face difficulties.  We use humor rather than process what is happening. We turn to drugs or alcohol in excess to numb our pain. We turn to pornography to fill a hole of intimacy. We could go on, but you get the point.

For our discussion, a trigger is defined as a stimulus that causes us to go to our negative space. The trigger is what moves us to respond the way we do. When we think about it, a trigger is an event or action that causes us to go to a bad space when confronted with a problem. Notably, the trigger is not the problem as much as the response to the problem. The problem is most likely an emotion that has formed in us. The trigger may be something that elicits fear. It might be something that impacts our self-esteem. The trigger might stir anger in us.  

For example, let’s say it is your performance on the job. Your supervisor approaches you with some changes that need to be made. Instead of listening, you take the confrontation personally. You begin to compartmentalize.  You speak to yourself and say things like, I am no good. I am defective. I am the problem. In cases like this, we shut down, get angry, and respond negatively to what we perceive as negative talk. Unfortunately, responding this way makes it personal and perhaps derails growth opportunities. The reason that we react this way is that we have been rejected on prior occasions. In the past, we have been criticized, and any comment is now taken personally. We become a critic of ourselves. Our response could also be because we have failed before, so we take any criticism personally, even if it is constructive and points to an area of growth. The trigger is the comment we take personally, and the emotion is fear or low self-esteem.

The second illustration is a relational one. We develop relationships, but as soon as the relationship grows, we back away because we fear intimacy or commitment. This happens because with have been let down and burned by previous commitments on more than one occasion. We struggle with commitment because we fear being hurt, and our hearts cannot take another bit of pain. The trigger that causes us to do this is the idea of commitment. That word alone scares us because we do not know what that looks like in a healthy environment.

My challenge for you is to track when you respond negatively to comments made or actions taken against you. Think about the issue and why it affected you the way it did. The person’s comments are not the problem, but we must look deeper than that. Within us, some emotions need to be healed and restored to their proper place. Recognizing those emotions is the first step.

All this sounds so easy, but it is not. It takes time. It requires honesty and a look into what makes us tick. I do not expect these issues to be resolved quickly but anything good is worth the wait and the time spent.

I believe that this is why David made the following request to God. Search me. “O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts” (Psalm 139:23)! David prayed that God would search his heart and reveal what was there. God knows us and that prayer is one that He will answer. And then David prays this prayer. “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10). It is not enough to have our emotions revealed. We must invite and allow change to take place. That is where healing comes.

So let me ask you:

  1. What are some of the triggers you recognize in your life? In other words, what sets you off?
  2. Since the trigger is not the problem, consider the emotion from the trigger. Is it anger? Fear? Low self-esteem?
  3. Once you recognize the trigger and the emotions that cause the trigger to cause the reaction, what steps can you take to counter those emotions and establish better responses?
  4. Pray Psalm 139:23 and Psalm 51:10. Allow God to reveal His truth within us. Then allow Him to heal you by creating a new heart and renewing the proper perspective about who you are.
  5. Find someone you trust to speak to about this. Perhaps this would be a good friend, a pastor, or a counselor.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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April 6, 2023 · 12:48 pm

Death and the testing of our faith

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Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

Over the last few days, I have had several discussions about the recent shootings in Nashville. One of the themes of the debate has been about how God can allow a child to be killed when God could have intervened and prevented it. For some, this has created a crisis of faith. The concern has been how God could allow this to occur at a Christian school when so many people prayed over the school before the shooting. When it comes to these discussions, there are no easy answers. Also, we must understand that many of our questions will never be answered. The fact is that we will not fully understand why such things happen.

Before we discuss anything else, let me say this. God is a good God. He loves us with passionate love. Because bad things happen does not mean that He has forsaken us. God is also a just God. To be a loving God, He must also be a just God. I do not always understand what God does or why He does it, but I know He loves me and this world.

That said, I will make a few comments that apply to this discussion. I desire that it generates a conversation and a journey toward truth. This is not an attempt to draw lines in the sand but to look at a couple of things that must be addressed about this issue.

My first observation in this discussion is that bad things happen to good people. Scripture defines this as the sun rising on the just and the unjust. It also rains on the just, and the unjust (Matthew 5:45). Bad things happen. In most cases, we cannot control these things. Some believe that people of faith are exempt from tragedy and sadness. But the Scripture does not support this view. We have many stories where people face very difficult times. We find this with the disciples. We see this with Jesus Himself. We find this with the early church fathers.

Unfortunately, people around us will get sick, have problems, and die. This includes children and loved ones. However, it is critical to note that this does not mean that we do not have faith or that our prayers are worthless. From this perspective, Paul wrote that we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power of God belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way; but not crushed; perplexed; but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down; but not destroyed … (2 Corinthians 4:7-10). Scripture also reminds us that the inward strength for endurance is most important.

Paul was a man of faith. He was a pastor and an organizer of the early church. Paul experienced trouble. He was beaten. He was rejected by spiritual leadership. The political and social leaders ran him out of town. He was shipwrecked. He had a health issue. Friends betrayed him. As a man of faith, he was not immune from difficulties. And yet, he grew in grace. At one point, he wrote these amazing words. Though outwardly we are wasting away yet, inwardly, we are being renewed (2 Corinthians 4:16-19).

A second thought here is that, as humans, we have been created with the ability to choose and make decisions. Our decisions have consequences. These can be positive, but they can also be negative. And many times, our decisions have unintended consequences. When awful acts of violence occur, it is because of multiple choices, not just one. These are choices by the one who has committed the act and by those who have influenced their lives.

We have often seen that those who commit these acts have been rejected by society or a particular group. Many times, they have been bullied and have had unkind acts committed against them. Rather than love, one group has decided to reject another. They often do not fit the other’s mold or belief structure. Sometimes these people want to be acknowledged and recognized, even if it is through negative means.

There are several motivations for bad decisions. Selfishness is at the core of many of our bad choices. Unmet expectations, wounds, and hurt all impact our ability to make good or bad decisions. This is why we often find that the one carrying out the mass shooting has been traumatized through bullying, rejection, or abuse. These emotional deficits cause reactions and decisions to be made that are unhealthy and lead to bad decisions. Because they are in pain, they want to afflict pain on others.

The fact that cannot be denied is that evil exists and is very real. From the beginning of time, as we know it, evil has existed. Tragedy moves us to action. When we talk about mass murder, several solutions are presented. One extreme suggests that if we eliminate all guns, we will not have mass murders. The second extreme is to create stronger laws and lock people up. A third issue is the issue of mental health.

In my opinion, we need reasonable gun control laws. However, removing guns may not do as much as expected, as people will still react angrily to issues. I remember in the 60s, and 70’s when bombs were used in major cities to cause destruction and inflict as much pain as possible. We cannot forget the bombing of the FBI building in Oklahoma City in 1995, where 168 were killed, and 680 were injured. The evil intent of humankind is hard to change and eradicate.

In the mental health discussion, there is no doubt that we need to do more for those with mental health issues. I know that here in Richmond, there is a six to 12-month wait for professional counseling. Unfortunately, this does not account for those who manage to stay under the surface and are not seen or admit that they have an issue that needs to be addressed.

I finish this where I began. There are no easy answers. We must pray and seek to do good in all things. We must seek to honor God in our actions and the way we treat those who are most wounded. We need to reach out to those who are flying under the radar. As I often say, this is not easy, but necessary.

So let me ask you:

  1. Have you had a crisis of faith because of what happens in society? How have you managed this? Perhaps you need someone to talk to. Sometimes we need someone to help us process the challenges of life.
  2. Who do you know who needs a friend? Do you know someone who needs the support of friendship?
  3. Do you live in the extremes or have a balanced view of what’s happening in the world?
  4. Pray for God to help you shine His light into a dark world.

© Robert W. Odom 2013

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March 20, 2023 · 8:16 am

Do You Want to be Healed?

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

In Scripture, one of the stories I love is found in John 5. We see a man who had been paralyzed for 38 years. We do not know why he was paralyzed, but we know he is. Jesus approaches this man and asks him a fascinating question. Do you want to be healed? What a question to ask. The reality of his condition would presume that he would want to be healed.

After all, the man had claimed a spot around the pool. Those around the pool would wait for the water to be stirred, and when the water was stirred, there was medicinal healing at that moment. Those who entered the pool while it was being stirred would be healed. I do not know how that works, but it is a reality of the story. While the question is interesting, his response is also interesting. He answered that when the pool is stirred, he has no one to help him, and others are jumping ahead of him.  

As I considered this story, several thoughts came to mind. First was the length of time this man was waiting to be healed at the pool. We know he had been disabled for 38 years, but we are unsure how long he had been at the pool.  I also realized that Jesus’s question was more profound than physical healing. Had the man become so used to the physical disability that he accepted it and no longer wanted to change? What about his mental condition? Had he given up? Had he begun to allow his disability to define his life? Was he at a point of hopelessness? Did he even try to enter the pool? Did his disability define him to the degree that he did not know how to live apart from his disability? It is possible that the real question was about wanting to change.

Studies have shown that change in most people does not come until they realize they want to change. For example, the alcoholic will not give up his addiction until he realizes he needs help and has a problem. Likewise, those addicted to porn, drugs, and, yes, even food, for that matter, all need to admit they have a problem and need to change. Developing a helpless outlook on life is easy because of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual conditions.

Sometimes the most significant struggle we can have is the struggle to see that we need help. Jesus saw the big picture. The man had become comfortable with his physical disability. He was living in a comfort zone where he no longer looked for solutions to his problem. Instead, he was waiting on someone else to resolve his issue.

Sometimes we can live in our dysfunction for such a long time that it becomes uncomfortable for us to live anywhere else. We can become so comfortable in our dysfunction that we do not know how to live any other way. It scares us to seek change. It is uncomfortable to seek another way of life.

But, when we are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional, we consider the possibilities of our need to seek an avenue of healing. It begins with an honest evaluation of our needs and state of mind. How are you doing mentally? How are you doing physically? How comfortable have you become with your dysfunction? It is only when we have a truthful view of ourselves that life begins to change. Only as we understand our need for healing and healthy perspectives can we begin to see the possibilities of a new day.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where are you focused on the wrong thing? Where are you waiting for someone else to be the catalyst for change rather than take responsibility for your needs?
  2. Where have you become comfortable with your unhealthy and dysfunctional way of life?
  3. Where are you facing negative constructs that lack an honest view of yourself and your need for change? We must begin with a sense of personal responsibility and brutal honesty about the change we need.
  4. Do you want to be healed? Do you want to be well? What steps must you take to be healed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
  5. Talk with someone you trust (a friend, a relative, a pastor, or a counselor) and ask them what they see in you and where you need change. You might be surprised.

©Robert W. Odom 2023

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March 14, 2023 · 9:49 am

Rewiring the Mind Part 3

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

In our last session, we discussed forgiveness. While forgiveness was necessary and a precursor to starting the healing process, I also needed to realize that my past did not need to define my present being. While it did shape me, it did not have to define me. Instead, I needed to be defined by what God had called me to be. So I began a journey to understand what that looked like.

In this journey, I have learned that I tried to please people and wanted their approval. This was part of my dysfunction because I longed to belong and be loved. I wanted acceptance. When that did not happen, I got angry and eventually shut down emotionally. Then I would try harder and harder. It was a vicious circle that had no end in sight. I would work harder, and then my work would not be recognized, or I would fail to accomplish what I thought I should. I would then become angry and shut down. Around and around it would go. This was not the place I wanted to be.

When in trouble, it was easy to pivot into a bad place. I would sink into a depressive state and struggle with my inadequacy. Too often, I felt like a failure, forcing me to try harder and back again to the cycle of anger and then shutting down. This vicious cycle impacted my relationships and me personally. I decided to please people rather than make waves. The result was that I often did things to please others or for approval rather than doing what was right.

I can not tell how freeing it was once I realized I needed change. How freeing it was to break that cycle of trying harder, anger, and shutting down. How freeing it was not to have to please people. It was no way to live, and it was no way for my family to live. While I was not an alcoholic, I was being abusive to my family. In my trying harder, I often neglected them emotionally and physically. I was not there. I tried to, but I did not do such a good job.

As noted, I began a journey to understand these issues better. First, I wanted to understand what triggered my desire to please everyone. Second, I tried to understand why I would get so angry. Third, I wanted to know why I would shut down and stop communicating.

When it comes to pleasing others, I realized that I put more value in what people thought rather than what God had designed me to be. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to give me praise. Because I had such low self-esteem, I longed for recognition, and much of what I did was to get praise from others. When that did not happen, I became frustrated and angry.

Through prayer and counseling, I pivoted to an understanding that I needed to succeed because it was the right thing to do and not please people. The words quoted by Abraham Lincoln began to ring true. You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. I needed to understand what the right thing was to do because it was right and not because it pleased others.  

Secondly, as I transitioned to this new space, I soon began to feel less angry and more satisfied. Once I stopped trying to please others, my rate of anger reduced and almost stopped. I also realized that most of the time, I was angry because of unmet expectations. But these expectations were based on false perspectives.

In my mind, I had a picture of what I wanted to have happen. When that did not occur, I would be angry. For example, I expected that the driveway would not be littered with toys when I got home and that there would be peace when I walked in. But most of the time, that was not the case. The kids had been outside playing, so their toys were scattered across the yard. When I walked in, all hell seemed to break loose. They would start to yell and run around. What I thought was a bad attitude and a discipline problem was them having to compete for my time. As I lowered my expectations of perfection, my anger began to decrease. I am not saying that we should not have expectations, but I am saying that some of our expectations are causing us pain and emotions that are not healthy. We need to adjust our expectations to the reality of life and not our picture of perfection.

There are many reasons we get angry. But to be healthy, we must research why we do what we do. Consider making a journal where you record when you are angry and why. Then, look back at those entries and look for patterns. These patterns may help you understand the reasons for your anger.

Thirdly, I would shut down and stop communicating for several reasons. Primarily, the reason was that I shut down because I was offended. I shut down because I was afraid of physically hurting someone. After all, I refused to be my stepdad. I did not want to lash out and mentally, emotionally, and physically wound others. But that’s precisely what I did. I wounded people with my silence. I hurt my wife and my kids. How freeing it is not to shut down, or at least not shut down for the length of time I would.

While I have made some confessions in this article, my goal has been to spur you to start a search in your life for why you do what you do. This may be challenging, but it is worth it. Pray. Start the process. See where God will take this in your heart. Remember this God wants to transform us into His image. He wants us to be the best version of ourselves that He has created. It may not be easy, but it is worth it.

So let me ask a couple of questions:

  1. Where do you see yourself in terms of your emotions? Are there areas of your life you wish you could change?
  2. Begin a journal. Write down your emotions and what caused you to respond the way you did.
  3. If you struggle to understand your emotions, talk to someone close to you. Ask them to be honest and disclose what they see and feel when you respond out of your negative emotions.
  4. How will you pivot to a new reality as real issues are revealed? Start small and work your way through the issues.
  5. Finally, pray and ask God for His help. He will be there and help us become the best version of whom He has created us to be.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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