Tag Archives: grief

Peace In the Storm

Dr. Bob Odom

September 28, 2025

If we listen to the news, it doesn’t take much to become discouraged, anxious, and fearful. With the shooting of Charlie Kirk, three officers in Pennsylvania being shot and killed, and a host of other adverse news events, it is hard to have peace. We add to this life-changing medical diagnoses such as liver disease, cancer, and respiratory disease.

It is challenging to find peace when our world seems to be in turmoil. What we held to as a security has changed, and we do not know what the future holds.

To understand peace, we must have a clear and accurate view of what peace entails. Too often, we believe that peace is the absence of problems and difficulties. The truth is that true peace comes amid the issues and challenges. It is not the absence of difficulty.

Just this past week, I met people facing challenging situations. Their world is in chaos because of family issues and complex health issues, but many of them stated that, amid the problems, they are at peace.

When I asked why they felt at peace, they said they knew God had them. They trust God to help them through the situation. One of the families stated that this has been a season for them to reorder their lives and focus on what is essential.   

The Bible is replete with Scripture that speaks to the theme of peace. The Old Testament prophet Isaiah stated that we will experience perfect peace when our minds are focused on God. In other words, we must reorder and refocus our lives toward trust and believing that God has us. He is for us, and He will not let us go.

In His message to the disciples, Jesus reminded them that in this world, they would face trials and various challenges. At the same time, He stated that He had come to bring peace in a chaotic world. The peace we are talking about is a peace that comes from a heart that is resolute about hope and the future.

When I read the story of Joseph, the one thing that stands out to me is that the Bible reminds us that no matter what happened to Joseph, “the Lord was with Joseph.” To fully understand this, we must review what Joseph had been through. He had been rejected by his brothers and sold into slavery. He had been falsely accused. He had broken promises. He was forgotten while being locked up in prison. But God was there.

In time, things changed, and he was remembered by those who had made promises, and he was restored to the right place. The point here, however, is that while his world was turned upside down, he was at peace because he knew that God was with him. He was living his life in turmoil, yet he found peace on his journey.

So, what are you going through? Are you in a difficult situation? Does your world seem upside down? Amid this, how is your peace? Where is your trust? What practical steps can one take to refocus their mind on God during difficult times? How can individuals maintain peace when faced with overwhelming circumstances? In what ways can one’s faith directly influence one’s experience of peace despite life’s challenges?

Isaiah reminds us that our peace is contingent on where we focus. If we focus on the problem or the difficulty, we will be discouraged and lose hope. But if we are focused on God, then we will walk in peace and have a hope that lasts.

Let me be the first to say this is easier said than done. Life issues can control everything else. But things change when we rest in God and His way of life. I love what our pastor said in a message a couple of weeks ago. He stated that with grief (or other life issues), there is a tension between grief and hope. That is so true.

There is tension between dealing with life’s issues and living in hope that comes from focusing on God. This does not minimize the problems we face, nor does it deny them. It reframes and refocuses on the discussion and how we approach these difficulties. Our hope and faith support us. Remember, just as God was with Joseph, He will be with you, and that is what matters most.  

So, let me ask you.

·      What are the problems and issues you face in your life?

·      Where do you feel the tension between hope and grief?

·      Where do you need to reframe or refocus your life to align with God’s purpose for life?

·      My challenge to you is to list your problems and then consider how you can reframe this discussion to focus on hope and peace.

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Navigating the Holidays While Grieving

Robert Odom PhD

Today, I want to focus on navigating the holidays when we are grieving. These will not be hard and fast rules, but hopefully, they will aid those facing this Christmas season without their loved ones. While everyone else is celebrating, there is an ache in your heart. This ache and your grief come from a place of loss because someone you love is no longer with you. This is a natural and human response to grief, and it is okay to feel a range of emotions during this time.

How do we navigate grief? First, we must understand that each of us has a unique journey through grief. We all handle it differently, and this can even vary within the same family. Some may feel the need to celebrate, while others may seem less affected by the loss, and some may be deeply impacted. It is all part of the individual’s unique process of healing.

The key point here is to be honest with yourself and with others. What are your expectations for this Christmas? Are you ready emotionally and physically to celebrate as you have in the past? Or do you prefer to scale down the rituals of Christmas? This does not mean that we do not focus on the gift of Christ but rather on the rituals of Christmas. This brings us to a second way to navigate the Holiday season.

It’s crucial to set boundaries and refrain from doing things you’re not ready for. You know your capacity and desire to celebrate. Give yourself the freedom not to do everything as you had in the past. It is okay not to have a tree or a large gathering of people. You may be ready for that next year. If you are not prepared to attend certain events, saying no is okay. You can always leave early if it becomes too overwhelming. Remember, your feelings and needs are valid, and setting boundaries is a powerful way to take control of your holiday experience.

Thirdly, it is essential to communicate your needs and expectations for the holidays. Whether it is through a letter, a family meeting, or any other means, make sure to express your feelings. This way, there will be no surprises, and you will feel more in control of the situation. Remember, it is better to communicate sooner rather than later.

When communicating, you can discuss your emotions and what you are feeling at the given moment. You can describe what you feel you are ready to do and how much you are willing to do it. You can also process any new rituals you may desire, such as lighting a candle in memory of your loved one or creating a memory board.

Fourth, connect with others. This may seem contrary to what we discussed earlier, but it may be helpful to connect with others. Go to church, volunteer, or do whatever is right for you. Sometimes, in grief, we isolate, and that can deepen our grief responses. By connecting, we are moving to a space where we feel that we are not alone.

The key to all of this is to be honest with ourselves. It is okay to do what you can to connect in new ways and start new rituals if necessary. Remember that God loves you and wants to help you navigate the emotional responses to the holiday. Be honest with yourself about your feelings, your needs, and your capacity to celebrate. Your experience is valid, and navigating the holidays in a way that feels right for you is okay.

So let me ask you.

  • What are your expectations for the Christmas season?
  • How can you communicate these expectations to your family, friends, and coworkers?
  • What activities do you feel ready to connect to? What does that look like to you?
  • What boundaries do you need to set for this year?

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Do you face your emotions, run away, or try to hide?

A few weeks ago, we were sightseeing in Richmond when the battery light on our car came on. Fortunately, we could keep the vehicle running and made it home. As we entered the parking area at our apartment complex, the car died, and we rolled into our usual parking spot. That was a miracle, as we could have stalled out anywhere along the way.

As I considered this, one thing was for sure. We had a problem, and it was there before the car died. How did I know there was a problem? The light on the dashboard had come on, and now the car would not start. The light on the car told us that there was a problem. We knew it was the charging system but needed to know the problem precisely. To figure this out, we needed to diagnose the problem and get it fixed. In this case, the alternator had stopped working and needed to be replaced.

I have chuckled at how people try to resolve issues with warning lights. Rather than fix the problem, they try to fix the light. One person took duct tape and covered up a warning light that kept coming on. Another person removed the bulb (which was probably more complicated than the problem itself). And yet another just ignored the light and justified that it was not a problem. These three scenarios ended in costly repairs because they did not heed the warnings.

As humans, we have been created with a warning light system that lets us know when there is a problem. These lights are our emotions. Our emotions are generally not the problem. They point to things that are happening within us and around us. As with the car, we do not always realize the real problem, but heeding the warning light leads us to discover the problem. Once again, the warning light is not the problem. It only warns us of a problem.

The lights for our emotional dashboard are critical. We can respond to the warning, ignore it, or push it away. For example, we may be grieving a loss. A warning light shines because we are sad and feel the loss. When we recognize this, we can respond in diverse ways. We can try to cover up and hide the emotions we are feeling. We can ignore them, or we can respond positively.

The one difference between the warning lights in our cars and our emotions is that when the warning lights of emotions are realized, it does not mean that we are broken or unhealthy. It means we are experiencing life and its emotional space. The difference is how we respond to the lights.

I have a friend who is generally very balanced in how he responds to problems. He is a paramedic and, on one occasion, had a series of nasty calls on one of his shifts. Because of his usual way of dealing with issues, he tried to hide his emotions and continue to work as expected. He tried to be stoic and ignore the emotions he was experiencing. However, a few days later, he was short-fused, angry, and more impatient than ever. This was outside his character and the usual way he responded to issues.

After having an in-depth conversation with him, we concluded that rather than dealing with the issues earlier, he tried to ignore and hide from them. After all, he had been taught that men do not have emotions, primarily expressed through crying. Towards the end of the conversation, he was permitted to express his emotions and began crying. He was able to release the pain and sadness he was experiencing. I spoke to him the following week, and he said he was living in a healthier space.

The lesson is that we need to face our emotions head-on. We cannot hide them or pretend they do not exist. Doing so impacts our physical, mental, and spiritual bodies. We experience anger, self-pity, resentment, and other such responses. However, the more we face our pain and emotions, the healthier we become.

Do yourself a favor and confront your emotions. Rather than hide them, present them in the open. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel like exhibiting your anger in healthy ways, get angry. I think you get the picture.

So let me ask you:

  1. What emotions do you experience that never seem to go away?
  2. Are these emotions trying to tell you something about yourself? If so, what?
  3. Where are you trying to ignore or hide your emotions? How does that make you feel? And what steps do you need to take to bring change?
  4. What emotion do you need to pull out of hiding and deal with it?

© Robert Odom RVA, LLC.

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Grief and Psalm 46

I love Psalm 46. I have used this passage many times at funeral services to encourage others. When we face grief and trauma, this passage brings hope. The problem is that too often when we grieve or encounter traumatic events, we can become angry with God as we feel He has let us down. We are disappointed and upset that the outcomes we hoped for were not different. This is a natural result of facing difficult issues. However, let me let you in on a secret. God can handle our disappointment and anger. He wants us to be honest with Him. Rather than bury our emotions, we need to face them. It is okay to be angry, but we must direct our anger to the right place.

Now to Psalm 46. David begins the passage with an incredible word of hope and a revelation of the work of God to sustain us. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 26:1, ESV). This passage speaks to the promise of God that He will not leave or forsake us. Notice that David gives us three descriptions of God. First, He is a refuge. He is a safe place to go amid life’s problems. God is strength. The writers of the New Testament state that our weakness is the best place for His strength to be revealed (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). He is also present and wants to help in times of trouble. He is an ever-present God who knows what we go through.

While David makes these pivotable statements about the character of God, he begins to detail an illustrative view of what life can be like. I love his descriptions. Look at these. Though the earth gives way, the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas, the waters roar and foam, and the mountains tremble. David was describing a world that was falling apart. Life was hard. Things were changing, and it felt like nothing was secure.

When we face grief and trauma, our lives can feel this way. It can feel that our world is falling apart. The foundations that we thought were secure can be shaken to their core. Our loved one who dies can cause our world to fall apart. Because of our love for them, we can feel lost and unsure about the future.  When we lose our jobs, we can begin to feel insecure, although we thought we were in a good position for promotion and retirement in the future. The person we trusted cheated us out of money, and now we find that our financial world is in a crisis. The friendship or relationship we thought was secure has ended suddenly. They deceived us. They broke our hearts. The divorce experienced was more than our hearts can take. And now we must deal with them as we try to resolve finances, home, kids, and new relationships.

Grief and trauma do that to us. It causes us to question life and reconsider what is secure. We can begin to ask what kind of future we have. We wonder if there is any hope. We wonder if life will ever be normal again. We wait for the next problem to arise. We feel depressed. We feel alone. We feel lost. Our world has shifted. 

While all these statements are factual, at the end of Psalm 46, David reminds us that no matter what happens, one thing remains the same. God is the same. David challenges us to “Be still and know that God is still God.” This is much harder than it appears. Too often, when we face the difficult struggles of life, we can question God’s reasoning for the events we encounter. What does it mean to be still? When facing the difficulties described in this passage, we can struggle to be still and quiet our minds from all the thoughts flooding our minds.

To be still can mean different things to different people. So let me offer a couple of suggestions. First, journal your thoughts. For some, this can be therapeutic. Through journaling, we can write our thoughts, share our emotions, and be honest about our feelings. We can do so without the fear of judgment or criticism. Before journaling, pause to think about your feelings and the pressures you are facing. Write those things down.

Second, we can meditate and consider what we are thankful for amid our struggles. This is easier said than done. But looking for the positive amid the difficulty can give us hope. While the above scenarios can be difficult, we can refocus our minds by being thankful. In so doing, thankfulness helps to quiet our hearts and restore our minds.

Third, rest your mind. That may be an oversimplified suggestion, but it can make a difference. Rest is important. It means that we quiet our minds and our souls. It might mean simply sitting in a chair with our eyes closed. It might mean going for a walk or a run. It might be finding a quiet place in a park or beach. The point is that resting our minds allows us to be still and know that God has not changed. He is still a present help in times of trouble.

Fourth, listen to music. Music can have a calming effect. The amazing thing is that music can soothe the soul. And the remarkable thing is that a plethora of music is available for every heart. For me, worship music is one way to quiet my heart and rest.

Here is the deal, grief, and trauma will turn our world upside down, but we must find ways to quiet our hearts and rest amid the difficulty. This is not always easy, but it is necessary.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where is it that your world is being turned upside down? Be specific.
  2. Where do you find it hard to trust God amid the grieving process?
  3. What helps you quiet your mind in difficult situations?
  4. Have you tried journaling? If not, try it. Be honest about your emotions.
  5. Most of all, know that God is present to help you. Where do you see God at work?

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Handling Grief and Trauma in a Healthy Way

Someone has said that if you have not experienced grief or trauma, give it time. You will. The fact is, we will all experience suffering and trauma at some point in our life. The problem is that we often do not navigate either of these very well. There are several reasons for this, but I will deal with a couple of things.

We often forget that everyone will deal with grief and trauma differently. Some seem not to be impacted by their experience, while others are hit much harder. Additionally, we do not know how we might handle a specific challenge as each trauma we face, the timing, and the overall impact of one or more traumas affect us differently.

When dealing with trauma, our religious beliefs and theological positions will affect how we deal with grief and trauma. When we face trauma or severe grief, we can encounter a crisis of faith because of what we have been taught and when our beliefs are challenged. For example, we have been taught to be joyful in all things. While this is a true statement, we can struggle emotionally and not feel joyful when confronting a traumatic event in our life. We work hard to be joyful when our hearts are broken and our emotions are all over the place. The reality is that it is hard to feel joy when our world has been turned upside down.

For others, we are told that we do not have enough faith if we struggle with grief and trauma. We are told we need more faith if we feel angry or depressed during these events. We are told to suck it up and get over our grief.  For example, my wife, who was struggling with the loss of her sister, was told, “let the dead bury the dead.” This was followed by “It is time to move on and get it together.”

The result can be devastating when we try to follow this counsel and not deal with trauma or grief honestly. Many fake their feelings and pretend that everything is okay rather than processing their grief in positive ways. They bury their sorrow. But grief will be dealt with. It may not be in the moment, but grief can affect us for a long time when not processed positively. It can come out in ways that we sometimes do not expect. We can have emotional outbursts. Our blood pressure can be elevated. We can struggle with digestive issues. Sleep will escape us, and when awake, we constantly ruminate about the events(s).

When processing grief, we need to know that everyone will deal with grief and trauma differently. Some will take longer than others, and that is okay. There are no timelines for processing grief. The key is that we are moving forward. Sometimes this means doing the next thing, whatever that might be. It might be to take a shower. Clean your room. One step, one thing at a time, can lead to bigger things in time.

When facing trauma, we can receive counsel, and people can say the most incredible statements that can wound and hurt us. For example, one mother’s son died from a childhood disease before he was a year old. One of the people on the receiving line told her, “At least you don’t have to worry about potty training.” This statement missed the mark and caused additional hurt to this poor woman.

Others often assert that things will improve, but that is not always true when dealing with trauma. The issue is that people dealing with trauma are navigating a new normal. While people are coping with grief and trauma, things can worsen before they improve. One spouse whose husband had passed away quickly and without warning found that he had not paid taxes in ten years. She also discovered that their finances were a mess and that he had many outstanding debts.

Upon his death, they were, for all practical purposes, bankrupt. For almost three years, things did not get better for her. She had to sell their home and cars and pick up extra jobs to pay the bills to have a decent income. Today, things are better for her, but at first, things did not improve and did not for several years.

So how do we help someone who is dealing with grief? First, be a good listener. Sometimes one dealing with grief or trauma need to talk. Do not offer counsel or try to solve the problems. Just listen. Ask questions to clarify what they are saying. Repeat back what you think you have heard them say. This will give them a sense of freedom and security.

Second, come alongside them to offer your help. Avoid asking what they need because they will feel awkward sharing. Or they may not know what they need. Look for opportunities to serve them. Cook a meal. Cut their grass. Buy them groceries. Clean their house. Wash their clothes. Come along and help them.

Third, accept the mood swings that will be inevitable. Some days they will be happy and then suddenly very sad and perhaps even depressed. Sometimes these mood swings are because of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates. Sometimes there is no reason at all. There is a memory that comes and affects them. Perhaps they wake up feeling lonely and sad.

Fourth, do not force them to do anything they are not ready to do. In the first few months, they should not make any decisions they do not have to. Encourage them to do only those things that are necessary. They should not make major financial decisions for a while. Additionally, do not rush them to get rid of the clothes or possessions of the one they lost. Avoid forcing them to attend parties or events they are not ready to participate in. Give them room to adjust. If they attend an event, permit them to leave early if things are uncomfortable.

Fifth, do not criticize how long it takes them to process their grief. There is no timeline for grief; each person and event is different. Trying to force people to heal faster than they are ready can cause more significant damage. We must offer grace and mercy to those struggling with grief and traumatic events.

Sixth, do not be surprised if they respond with anger and bitterness toward the person that has caused them to be in this place. They may be angry at the person who killed their family member. They may be angry at the drunk driver who critically injured their husband or wife. They may be angry at the drug dealer who sold their son or daughter the deadly drug. There are many reasons one may be angry or bitter. Give them time. Do not force an emotion or action they are not ready to express.

Finally, sometimes the best thing to do is to be there! You do not have to say anything. Just be present. Be available! Provide a ministry of presence.

So what do you feel about grief? Have you struggled with grief or trauma? Have you been forced to do things you were not ready to do? If so, what did you do, and how did you respond to this?

Finally, did even the statements about how to help others resonate with you? Which one is the biggest challenge for you? I encourage you to consider these questions. Be honest with your answers.

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Grief: Lessons of Grief

Peninsula Community Church 

Grief: Lessons of Grief

February 17, 2019

Habakkuk 3:17-19 Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.  GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.

As we have been doing for the last couple of weeks, I want to continue our study in grief. For this session we will focus on some of the lessons of grief that will help us in our journey toward a new normal. We will focus on how to begin to move forward in our grief so that we can begin a transition toward a place of a new normal. The question therefore is “How do we get to where we need to be in order to do what God has called us to do.” 

In preparing this, my heart was moved by this passage and I felt it applied perfectly to our discussion. As we consider this we find that Habakkuk is dealing with an empty heart and one that is fruitless and barren. There is an emptiness that is measurable and deeply felt. It is noteworthy the Book of Habakkuk begins with a cry of desperation (Habakkuk 1:2-3). O LORD, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? Or cry to you “Violence!” and you will not save?  Why do you make me see iniquity, and why do you idly look at wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; strife and contention arise.

While the book begin with such pain and agony, here in this passage we find that Habakkuk has an epiphany, a vision of truth. Therefore, we could say that our text was inspired by the Holy Spirt for one purpose. It was given to us to provide the opportunity to look beyond the pain and barrenness of loss to what really matters. And what matters is that God is with us and He is giving us strength and help in our time of need. Habakkuk is saying is that no matter what your circumstances are, look around and you will find God. No matter how empty you are, you will find God is there to fill your emptiness and the longing of your heart. No matter how barren you are, you will find that God will make you fruitful and vibrant again.

Did you catch it the wording of this passage? Habakkuk recognized that things were barren in his life, but that did not sway him from the truth. He is saying I might be barren, but I will worship God. I may be filled with deep grief, but I will praise the Lord. I will be grateful. I will have joy not in circumstances, but in the joy that is mine through Christ. I will not focus on my weakness, but on God’s strength to help me, because when I am weak He is strong. He is all powerful. 

I found this as I was studying for this message. It is from a pastor named Geoff Thomas. He had this to say. In this passage Habakkuk makes an extraordinary affirmation… I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. In his tone there is a note of determination. Habakkuk is joyful. This joy is not based on a perfect harvest, or herds of sheep filling the fields, or the end of hostilities and peace with Babylon. It is not dependent on a change of circumstances. There is still a famine all around; there are still armed marauders stealing one’s possessions; the cupboard is still bare; the possibility of slavery in Babylonian exile still hangs over this family, and yet the people are not despondent. They are rejoicing. How can you explain this? It is simply that their joy was in the Lord their God and their Savior. How powerful is that truth?

Corrie ten Boom knew something about tragedy and suffering. She lived with a courageous faith. Upon emerging from a Nazi concentration camp she said, “There is no pit so deep that God isn’t deeper still.” She picked an apt analogy because pain, tragedy, and grief can be a dark pit. For some, it may seem like a bottomless pit or as David suggested, it is a miry bog or a slimy pit (Psalm 40:2). Many experience a falling, a disorientation, a terror, as they grab for walls that are out of reach. They see only blackness, and hear only echoes of the life they used to know. For many, they claim that God is not present. But Corrie ten Boom, like Habakkuk, reminds us that even in the pits of tragedy, God is still there. He is present.

With that said let me give you a couple of ways this is worked out in our lives. First, we must consider that we cannot let our grief define us. Because of grief’s pain and the attention we get from our grief, there are times where can we begin to be defined by our grief. But, it was never God’s purpose for us to be defined by grief or pain. We must also understand that this does not just apply to grief, but to every problem we face whether good or bad. While our past experiences might shape us, these experiences cannot define us.

You see, some people can begin to rely on their grief and it can become a crutch to excuse their failures. They can become so stuck in their grief that grief begins to define them and rule their life. I would, and you fill in the blank, but I am grieving. I would serve more, but I am grieving. I would develop more relationships, but I am grieving. I would go back to church, but I am grieving. I would get up and make my bed, but I am grieving. This is not an argument against grieving or how long we should grieve, but rather that we must be careful and not allow grief to dictate our future. We are never defined by our past. Loss does not define us. Death does not define us. Divorce does not define us. Broken hearts do not define us. We are defined by God to be more than our experiences and our pain. We are His children and we are called by His name. 

In preparing for this message I realized something amazing. The goal in the journey of grief is to reach a new normal. This week my attention was drawn to the story of Ruth and Naomi. Because of her grief and pain Naomi wanted to change her name from Naomi to Mara which meant the “Almighty has dealt bitterly with me” (Ruth 1:19-21). She had been through so much. Her family faced a famine. She lost her husband and her two sons. She was in a foreign land. Her one daughter-in-law abandoned her in her weakest moment. She was grieving and was filled with loss. She wanted to change her name so that she would be identified by her experiences but God never allowed that to happen. 

If you look in the Book of Ruth you will find that no where is she referred to as Mara, she is only known as Naomi. Her name did not change because God would not allow her to be defined by her past. Instead, He wanted her to focus on what was in store for her and what He was going to do in her and through her. God wanted to use her. He had a plan for her. She was to return home to her country so that Ruth her daughter-in-law could meet Boaz. And why was that? It was because Ruth was to be the grandmother of David who served as a direct descendent of Christ. The craze today is to have one’s DNA done so we know where we come from. If Jesus did that, he would find He was related to Ruth. That would not have happened if Naomi wallowed in her pity and did no allow God to bring her to a new place in her journey.

It is for that reason that we must not get bogged down in grief so that we never move forward to a new normal. To get bogged down means we can never move to the place God has for us. I think of Joesph who could have wallowed in His pity and shame. In some people’s eyes, he would have been justified because of the experiences in his life. Job could have been swallowed up by his grief, but he refused to get bogged down by the pain and sorrow of his grief. If he had, perhaps he would not have been open to the blessing that came from God at the end of his life. I think of the apostle Paul who could have been bogged down by the grief of prison, ministry rejection, and the failure of people around him; but he continued to be focused on the God who would direct his steps and keep him focused on what God had planned for him. 

In the final analysis, God secures us and gives us the power to move forward. Look at our passage today. We do not have to be bogged down because we have been given Hind’s feet. Hind’s feet or deer’s feet is a picture of agility, quickness, and sure-footedness. A hind deer is a female deer that can place her back feet exactly where her front feet stepped. Not one inch off! She is able to run with abandonment! In times of danger, she is able to run securely and not get “off track.” The hind deer is able to scale unusually difficult terrain and elude predators. It is the most sure-footed, focused and agile mountain creature, and it is the only animal that can scale mountains such as these. Look at this slide of hind deer. 

When we feel barren, lost, and destitute God comes long and gives us the feet, the stability, we need to navigate whatever is thrown at us. David echoed this sentiment in Psalm 18:31-33 For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?— the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.  He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. Yes, we will face grief and we will face sorrow but God will steady us and provide security as we press ahead into the future. So do not let grief define you and do not get bogged down in grief to the degree that you cannot move to the new normal that God has for you. This does not mean that we forget or that we do not ever grieve again. It means that we focus on what God has for us and where He is leading us. 

Here is the deal as we close. We do not deserve it but His grace finds us and strengthens us so that we are given the power we need to overcome every situation. His grace is so amazing and powerful. That is why and how He gives us the stability we need. His grace finds us. 

For an audio of this message go to http://pccministry.org/messages.

Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved Robert W. Odom

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Grief and the Question Why?

Peninsula Community Church

Grief and the Question Why?

February 10, 2019

Job 3:1-15 After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. And Job said: “Let the day perish on which I was born, and the night that said, ‘A man is conceived.’ Let that day be darkness! May God above not seek it, nor light shine upon it. Let gloom and deep darkness claim it. Let clouds dwell upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it. That night—let thick darkness seize it! Let it not rejoice among the days of the year; let it not come into the number of the months. Behold, let that night be barren; let no joyful cry enter it. Let those curse it who curse the day, who are ready to rouse up Leviathan. Let the stars of its dawn be dark; let it hope for light, but have none, nor see the eyelids of the morning, because it did not shut the doors of my mother’s womb, nor hide trouble from my eyes. “Why did I not die at birth, come out from the womb and expire? Why did the knees receive me? Or why the breasts, that I should nurse?  For then I would have lain down and been quiet; I would have slept; then I would have been at rest, with kings and counselors of the earth who rebuilt ruins for themselves, or with princes who had gold, who filled their houses with silver.

Today, we continue our study of grief and its effect on us. As we have stated already grief is a normal part of loss. While it is normal each person will experience grief differently and in different ways. We have determined that grief is not a linear process, but it is a bundle of tangled emotions. We have noted that in time we will come to a new normal, and that new normal will guide our lives to a new place of hope and adventure with God, the one who loves us deeply. 

As we begin this study today, let me tell you a story. Many years ago there was a man who was a successful businessman. He was a spiritual giant. He was blameless in his actions and his deeds. He had a happy family. He was healthy and most of all he was a passionate follower of God. But one day his life was turned upside down. In a few short hours his children were tragically killed, his business was destroyed, he developed a serious illness, and within days of these tragedies his friends and his wife failed to understand the magnitude of what he was going through. They attempted to deflect the issues and attempted to make him the bad guy. They encouraged him to do things that were not in his wheel house of thinking. 

The man I am talking about is Job. In this story satan issued a challenge to God, that if Job were to be tested, he would fail. God agreed because He knew Job’s heart. He knew that Job would endure whatever was thrown at him. As we read the story we see that the Sabeans came in and stole his oxen and donkeys and they killed the servants in charge. This would be like someone coming onto one of the farms around us and stealing the tractors, combines, hay balers, and other equipment and then killing those who operated the equipment. At the same time, we find that his sheep and cattle were burnt up in a fire. This would just like a local farmer’s crops being burnt up and destroyed. The last dagger he received was the word that all of his children had been killed by a sudden violent wind storm. This godly, righteous man according to Scripture faced grief on many levels and on several fronts.

While Job was a faithful and blameless man, he reached the point that we all reach many times when we face heartache and pain. He began to ask the question we all ask! “Why God!” “Why did this have to happen?” “Why did this happen to me?” “Why were my innocent children caught up in this mess?” “Why did I lose everything?” The questions seem to go on and on. As Job did we also have endless questions with little or no answers. In fact, the why question is not just a question we ask at someone’s death, but we ask “why” when we are confronted by many issues in life: divorce, crime, words and actions people take against us.

The question why is a natural question to be ask but it is a question that is much easier to ask than to answer. At first, we find that Job is rejoicing and proclaiming the sovereignty of God. Listen to his words. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong (Job 1:21-22). In a moment that praise is turned the reality of grief and his heart swells with the questions. 

When you think Job has had enough, we find that he is infected with horrible sores from his feet to his head. His whole body was affected by these sores and open wounds. Then we find the most painful thing of all. His wife instead of supporting him wanted him to curse God and die. She in essence wanted to get the pain over with. To be honest we might want to judge her, but we must remember that she is dealing with her own grief and pain from the loss of her family. Remember we all respond to grief differently. Then there are Job’s friends. Initially they just sat and did not do anything. Later we see they began to accuse Job of sin and wrong doing. They were blaming Job and they were trying to fix him. How many times have you been walking in grief or experiencing pain and people try to fix you? But, God is the only one who can fix us. 

It was at this point where we see Job begin to ask the great question of all time. Why? Why was I born? Why did you not just kill me at brith and be done? This was more than Job could bear. While these are Job’s questions your questions may be totally different. The focus of your grief may be different. Your loss and the circumstances surrounding your loss will drive your questions you ask. With that in mind, let us look at a couple of things about the why question and its relationship to grief. 

First of all, it is totally okey to be honest with God about your questions. David was honest. Job was honest. Many Biblical characters we read about were honest with their questions. We can be also honest because God knows our heart and He knows the pain of the unanswered questions that reside deep within us. Sometimes the pain of grief is experienced through the turmoil of unanswered questions, and it is for that reason we need to be honest with Him. 

It is here that we are drawn to the words of David in Psalm 22:1-2. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Why have you forsaken me? Why were you not there? Why did you not intervene? But in Psalm 56:8 he reminds us that God does care. You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Think about this, we have a Father who keeps track of the tossing we do and He catches every single tear we cry in a bottle. When we begin to grasp the depth of that truth, we can say with confidence just as David did, This I know: God is on my side (Psalm 56:9). While it may not seem like it at times, God knows your pain. He knows your hurt. He knows the questions you have.

In looking at the question of why we must always also remember that we are living in a fallen world. This world is corrupt and therefore it is filled with sin, disease, and people who make bad decisions. People choose to eat the wrong things even though they have been diagnosed with heart disease or high blood pressure. They choose to drive drunk and cause accidents that take innocent lives. Because of sin, disease has come into the world. In God’s plan for the world there was no sin. There was no disease. There was no evil. Unfortunately from the time of the fall of mankind sin came, disease came, and now people make bad decisions that affect others. That is why sometimes the pain of death is so great. The one we love was taken by someone who made a bad decision and our loved one was innocent. That is painful.

This may be difficult to grasp but God does not owe us an explanation because He is God. In the story of Job we find that he is looking for answers. You see we often look at Job as this guy who never wavered and was stalwart in his faith, but he had questions just as much as we do. In Job 38:4-7 God answers his questions but it was not the answer Job was looking for. God says “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? We are reminded that God’s ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). They are past finding out. In essence, on this side of heaven there will be things that happen that we will not understand but we must trust Him. Job expressed this sentiment in Job 13:15. Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.

Finally, even if God gave us the answer to our why questions, we probably would not understand. We would still have more questions, and most often we would probably not agree with the answer or reasoning God would give anyway. If we had all of the answers we would probably still not be at peace or find that our grief is less than it is right now. In the end, we must trust God. I know that we keep coming back to this, but it is the truth of the matter. While it is hard to trust anyone when we are in pain, we must recognize that God provides and His ways are far above our ways. Only then can we trust Him and surrender our pain to Him. 

With all of this in mind perhaps we are asking the wrong question. Perhaps we need to ask how is this going to be used in my life to make a difference in others? What does God want to do with this event and the grief I am facing? Remember Job. God used his losses to focus him on the redemption of God. In the end, we find that God will restore us to a new normal and He will open doors for us to speak into the lives of others. Job found that to be true. God restored him and brought him to a new normal. Now your new normal will be different, but you will reach a new normal. We know this because of Job’s own words. In Job 19:25 he stated For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. Job knew that weeping may endure for the evening but joy will come again. We will get through this with a new revelation of truth about who God is and what He can do in and through us. 

For an audio of this message go to http://pccministry.org/messages.

Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved Robert W. Odom

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Grief: Reactions to Grief

Peninsula Community Church 

Grief: Reactions to Grief

February 3, 2018 

Psalm 13:1-6 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

As we communicated last week grief is normal. When we love and lose a loved one, we will grieve. The truth of the matter is that grief and love go hand in hand. We also saw that everyone will deal with grief differently as no two people are alike and no two experiences are the same. The problem for most of us is that grief is a multifaceted bundle of emotions where we do not always know where one emotion begins and the other ends. Grief is messy. It is painful. To grieve is to take a journey that has no time limit or a preplanned path to take. For this week, I would like to look at some of the ways we tend to deal with grief and how to deal with grief in a healthy way.

The first way to deal with grief is to isolate ourselves. Because of the deep pain we have experienced it is a natural to want to isolate and hide. The truth is we do not want to deal with the grief. This is in part because we do not understand the grief nor we do we know how to deal with the grief we are facing. As a result we can shut ourselves off from the outside world, our friends, and even our family. We build walls so as not to let anyone in because we are afraid of being hurt in a deeper way. We can isolate ourselves to the point we will not allow anyone in, even those who are close to us. We shut everyone out. While this may seem protective, this can in fact prolong the pain and the healing process.

In the journey of grief, it is normal for us to want to run and hide. This is due in part to the emotions we are experiencing and the need to avoid contact with people because it can be too painful. For many of us, we find that we are retelling the story over and over again. We find that people want all of the gory details, while we just want to be silent and move on.

Isolating ourselves is a way to avoid the unfortunate things that people say and do in such times. I believe that most people mean well even when they say what they say and do what they do. As you know, I have grown to dislike the phrase “I know exactly what you are going through!” Or, “now you can move on and get on with your life.” Others will criticize those in grief that they cry too much, they are too sad, they are not getting their act together, they are not getting back to normal fast enough. This is by no means a complete list, but you get the idea of the things that people say and push us to do when we are not prepared to do so. 

During this time of grief we can feel depressed. We can be in a place where we do not feel like working. Fear can grip our hearts, it can blind us, and it can keep us from moving forward with life. We can also feel overwhelmed by our emotions and by all that we believe we have to do after the loss of a loved one. We can also face regret because there are things we wish we had done. We wish we had spent more time together. We wish we had been more loving. We wish we did not have a specific reaction to them. All of these can drive us to isolation, as we do not want to hurt anymore. We do not want to fail in another relationship. This can also be a situation where we do not want to hurt again so we do not expose ourselves to love, or what we think might bring us joy.

I should clarify here that isolation or solitude can be a beneficial resource when we are experiencing grief. Being alone allows us the opportunity to process our grief, deal with the pain we have experienced, and begin to regroup in a way that helps us focus on the new normal that is ahead of us. While being alone can be a positive response for grief, continued isolation and closing one’s self off can be detrimental to one’s health and can slow the healing we need. We cannot hide forever because there is still a world and a life to be lived. 

For those of us who may experience grief we must learn that we might not want to be with people and that is okey. We may not want to do holidays and that is okey. We may not want to go to church and that is okey. In time, you will. In time, you can do what you need to do again.

For those who have friends or family who are grieving. I suggest that we engage them. In today’s environment, we have the ability to text, email, facebook, phone call, and we can still send a card or letter. While we may not have a direct presence, we can communicate our love and support for our friends. Never allow a person go without some communication. When you communicate, do not judge their isolation, but simply let them know they are loved and you are there for them. Maybe take them a meal. Babysit their child. Stop in to help them with yard work or grocery shopping. Do not force them to grieve differently than they are in the moment, but allow them to take this journey in their time and they will. 

While some people isolate, others can busy themselves in order to avoid grief. The belief is that if we are busy enough then grief will go away and we will not have to deal with it. Doing so, however, often delays the inevitable. We will deal with our grief one way or another. It will come out in other ways and most often when you least expect it. Instead of running from grief, David and Nancy Guthrie, directors of GriefShare Ministries have stated that we must lean into our grief. We need to take it all in. Yes, you may cry in front of people. That is okey. You do not have to live like you have it all together. Do not allow your self to be deceived into thinking that you have to put up a front when you are hurting. It is never healthy to hold it in.

This also means that we cannot turn to unhealthy means to cope with our grief like excessive alcohol, drugs or medications, sex, and other addictions that do little to alleviate our grief. These things serve only to mask our grief and to delay the inevitable. But know this, the pain will not last. Once again we hear the heart of David when he makes this powerful statement in Psalms 30:5. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. Here is the deal. We may not know how long our night might be, but I do know that joy comes in the morning. You will experience a new normal, and you will come to a day where you will live again. 

While we can isolate or busy ourselves, we can also focus on the unchangeable and unmovable love of God. In our grief, we can become closed off to God. Sometimes in our grief we can believe that God has left us and is not concerned about us. Sometimes our pain can be so deep that we cannot pray. We cannot read the Bible. We cannot listen to Christian music or any other kind of music for that matter. We are numb and feel lost in the darkness. 

But listen to David’s word. How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. , because he has dealt bountifully with me. Let me ask you have you ever proclaimed those words. Have you ever exclaimed how much more Lord do I have to take.

But also listen to David’s reply to his own question. But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD. It is here that David is sharing the pain of his heart and suddenly he seems to take a turn. He is saying yes all of this is true, but I have realized that I can trust in God’s immovable and unchangeable love. His love for me is not contingent on how I feel or what I have experienced. His love never changes. He loved me before the grief. He loves me in the grief. He will love me as I establish a new normal in me life. 

It is for that reason that David wrote these words in Psalms 23:4. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. In the valley, the shadow of death encompasses us. It floods our hearts and effects our spirit. But, when we trust God even in death we do not have to fear, because He is with us. He is there for us and He is there to direct our steps through the valley. Notice that David did not say that when we stay in the valley of death, but rather He made it clear that we walk through the valley of death. There is hope, there is a new normal, and there is a new day ahead.

Finally, let me read one more passage from David’s writings in Psalm 34:17-20 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Not matter what you are experiencing God is with. He is our delivery. He is our healer. Our grief speaks to us one thing but God speaks another. We can be healed and reach a place where a new normal is realized. Watch this video with me and then we will pray. “I Say.” by Lauren Daigle. 

For an audio of this message go to http://pccministry.org/messages.

Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved Robert W. Odom

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Grief: Finding Hope in the Darkness

Peninsula Community Church 

Grief: Finding Hope in the Darkness

January 27, 2019 

Psalm 31:7-10 I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.

Today, we begin a new series. The reason for this series is that we have all been affected by the power of grief at some point in time. If you have not, you will. To focus our attention I have entitled this series “Grief: Finding Hope in the Darkness.” Over the next couple of weeks we will take a look at grief, and how God can use grief to bring us to a new normal. We will see how God can bring us to a place where can trust in His grace and His power again. To be honest, there is much to cover so fasten your seat belts and let’s get started. 

To begin this study it would be helpful to define grief. Grief is a multifaceted and natural response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which there has been a bond or deep affection. While our focus will be on the grief that comes from losing a loved one, we recognize that grief can come from several different areas in life. It might be a lost job, financial disaster, loss of a home, a pet, and more. Grief is grief no matter what and everything we discuss here applies to every circumstance.

The question often asked in the process of dealing with grief is why does the loss of a loved one hurt so much. I think the answer is found in the fact that we grieve because we have loved. To love and lose is to encounter grief. Grief must be understood as a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away.

Along with our definition stated above we also find that the Bible does a good job of defining grief. David grieved on multiple occasions and he did not shy away from writing about his grief. As we read his stories, we find his spiritual, emotional, and mental condition expressed through the pages of the Psalms. He knew the power of grief, but he also knew how to navigate grief to establish a new normal. We are also reminded that Jesus grieved. He grieved the loss of Lazarus, His best friend. The Bible says He wept. He cried bitterly. I love that Scripture does not shy away from giving us insight into the heart of Christ. We find the one who created all things, and knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, still mourned and grieved over his death.

In this passage, David does a good job of defining and painting a picture of grief. Did you catch his description? My eyes, my soul, and my body are wasted from grief. David is saying I am spent. I have nothing to give because I am so worn out from my grief. I am consumed by the pain and agony of my grief. There is nothing left. Do you see his pain? Do you feel his anxiety? He is worn out. He goes on to say that his life is spent with sorrow and his years with sighing. Have you experienced such grief? Perhaps you still do? At some point we will all have an encounter with grief that is beyond our ability to understand or cope. David had such an encounter. 

David knew the agony of grief on many levels. If you remember the Biblical account of Saul and David, Saul had targeted David and was trying to kill him. David had been anointed as king and now Saul was trying to do everything he could to take him out because of jealousy and fear. David grieved over the loss of his son when he had taken Bathsheba and set her husband up for death. David grieved when his best friend Johnathan died. David’s life was filled with grief and sorrow. He knew grief, but he also knew his Lord would sustain him. 

So for today let me give you a couple of points that will help us understand the journey of grief. The first point is that grief is chaotic and it is more like a tangled ball of emotions than a linear process. There has been some research that suggests that grief is linear and moves from one stage to the next. Rather than being linear, grief is one big ball of emotions that impact us on a daily basis. While it is true we deal with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance these are not stops along a path to healing. In fact, we can experience one or more of these at any given moment or any given day. Sometimes we revert back to the areas we feel we have already conquered and are familiar to us. 

The second point is that grief is normal. Too often when it comes to grief we try to remove the process from our life. We tend to want to get rid of it. Somehow, we think we are different. Somehow, we believe that no one else is experiencing grief like we do. Somehow, we are deceived into thinking that what we are going through is so different and is not normal. But from the onset of our discussion know this, grief is normal. To love and to lose causes grief to come. 

Too often, we try to avoid grief because we think somehow we should be immune to its effects. Sometimes we are confused at the effects of grief upon our life. A case in point is when my mom died 4 years ago. To give some background, my mom and I were separated when I moved in with my dad in 1969. I had been living with my mom and stepdad for five years prior to this. Those years had been very difficult as my stepdad was a very violent man because of his alcoholism. 

Later in life, I found out that my stepmom had destroyed letters that had been sent to me by my mom. But through a miraculous set of events, nearly 25 years later, my mom and I we were able to reunite. God knew what He was doing because shortly after that my mom had a major brain tumor that required her to have surgery. What appeared to be a successful surgery turned into a struggle for her as she had multiple seizures, and quickly developed dementia and Alzheimer’s. I lost her again as she was no longer cognizant of anything going on around her. When she was moved to a nursing home I lost total contact with her, as my stepbrothers did not keep me in the loop. So for another 10 years or so I lost contact again.  

At Christmas four years ago I received a call from my stepbrother that my mom was not doing well and did not have long to live. This was surprising because we had not had any contact prior to his call. I booked a flight for New Year’s Day to fly to Austin, Texas where she lived, but on New Year’s Day morning around 4AM I received a call from my stepbrother that she had passed away and that I did not need to come to Texas. They would not be doing a funeral service for her. Now to my point. Because of my separation and not being very close to her, I had often wondered how I would respond to her death. What surprised me when she passed is that it did a number on me. What I thought would be an easy path to travel turned into a difficult journey. I believe that my grief was enhanced because I struggled with regret and many other emotions. I began to believe that I was alone and that no one else experienced such things. But as I would later find out everything I experienced was normal. It was a part of the journey toward healing that I needed to process. So my friend know this, grief is normal.

Thirdly, everyone will experience and deal with grief differently. Too often we try to pigeon hole people into dealing with grief a certain way. Too often we tend to judge how people deal with grief from how we ourselves deal with grief. But here is a fact we need to understand and accept. No two people experience grief the same way. In fact, we do not experience grief the same way with different losses in our life. The point is do not ever let anyone tell you how to grieve. The fact is even within a family different members of the family will experience the loss differently. Personally, we will respond to different losses in different ways. No two losses and no two people will be the same. Each person will navigate grief differently. Therefore, we cannot allow ourselves to be placed in a box, nor can we place others in a box in regard to the way grief is handled. 

Fourth, and this is critical, you can take your grief to God. In the midst of grief you do not always sense His presence. In fact, sometimes in grief God feels distant and far away, because we are numb physically, spiritually, and emotionally. This makes grief a difficult process, but we can know that regardless of how we feel; God is always there and we can take our grief to Him. 

Stephen Viars, counselor and pastor, had this say about grief. “I can’t understand God as my rock unless I am willing to acknowledge that I’m feeling overwhelmed. To be able to talk to God and to other people in my life about it is an important step in processing grief with truth.” Look at David’s words here in this passage. David who knew grief well called out to the Lord. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress.

When we are in the midst of grief, it is hard to navigate grief, but never hesitate to bring your grief to God. We can do that because God loves us no matter what we experience. His love for us is steadfast which means it is unmovable and unchangeable. Additionally, we can be assured that God knows and sees our affliction and the stress we experience. This is not a surprise to Him. Finally, trust God because He will deliver you and help you establish a new normal in your life. Are you ready? Are you ready to take this journey together?

For an audio of this message go to http://pccministry.org/messages.

Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved Robert W. Odom

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