Someone has said that if you have not experienced grief or trauma, give it time. You will. The fact is, we will all experience suffering and trauma at some point in our life. The problem is that we often do not navigate either of these very well. There are several reasons for this, but I will deal with a couple of things.
We often forget that everyone will deal with grief and trauma differently. Some seem not to be impacted by their experience, while others are hit much harder. Additionally, we do not know how we might handle a specific challenge as each trauma we face, the timing, and the overall impact of one or more traumas affect us differently.
When dealing with trauma, our religious beliefs and theological positions will affect how we deal with grief and trauma. When we face trauma or severe grief, we can encounter a crisis of faith because of what we have been taught and when our beliefs are challenged. For example, we have been taught to be joyful in all things. While this is a true statement, we can struggle emotionally and not feel joyful when confronting a traumatic event in our life. We work hard to be joyful when our hearts are broken and our emotions are all over the place. The reality is that it is hard to feel joy when our world has been turned upside down.
For others, we are told that we do not have enough faith if we struggle with grief and trauma. We are told we need more faith if we feel angry or depressed during these events. We are told to suck it up and get over our grief. For example, my wife, who was struggling with the loss of her sister, was told, “let the dead bury the dead.” This was followed by “It is time to move on and get it together.”
The result can be devastating when we try to follow this counsel and not deal with trauma or grief honestly. Many fake their feelings and pretend that everything is okay rather than processing their grief in positive ways. They bury their sorrow. But grief will be dealt with. It may not be in the moment, but grief can affect us for a long time when not processed positively. It can come out in ways that we sometimes do not expect. We can have emotional outbursts. Our blood pressure can be elevated. We can struggle with digestive issues. Sleep will escape us, and when awake, we constantly ruminate about the events(s).
When processing grief, we need to know that everyone will deal with grief and trauma differently. Some will take longer than others, and that is okay. There are no timelines for processing grief. The key is that we are moving forward. Sometimes this means doing the next thing, whatever that might be. It might be to take a shower. Clean your room. One step, one thing at a time, can lead to bigger things in time.
When facing trauma, we can receive counsel, and people can say the most incredible statements that can wound and hurt us. For example, one mother’s son died from a childhood disease before he was a year old. One of the people on the receiving line told her, “At least you don’t have to worry about potty training.” This statement missed the mark and caused additional hurt to this poor woman.
Others often assert that things will improve, but that is not always true when dealing with trauma. The issue is that people dealing with trauma are navigating a new normal. While people are coping with grief and trauma, things can worsen before they improve. One spouse whose husband had passed away quickly and without warning found that he had not paid taxes in ten years. She also discovered that their finances were a mess and that he had many outstanding debts.
Upon his death, they were, for all practical purposes, bankrupt. For almost three years, things did not get better for her. She had to sell their home and cars and pick up extra jobs to pay the bills to have a decent income. Today, things are better for her, but at first, things did not improve and did not for several years.
So how do we help someone who is dealing with grief? First, be a good listener. Sometimes one dealing with grief or trauma need to talk. Do not offer counsel or try to solve the problems. Just listen. Ask questions to clarify what they are saying. Repeat back what you think you have heard them say. This will give them a sense of freedom and security.
Second, come alongside them to offer your help. Avoid asking what they need because they will feel awkward sharing. Or they may not know what they need. Look for opportunities to serve them. Cook a meal. Cut their grass. Buy them groceries. Clean their house. Wash their clothes. Come along and help them.
Third, accept the mood swings that will be inevitable. Some days they will be happy and then suddenly very sad and perhaps even depressed. Sometimes these mood swings are because of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates. Sometimes there is no reason at all. There is a memory that comes and affects them. Perhaps they wake up feeling lonely and sad.
Fourth, do not force them to do anything they are not ready to do. In the first few months, they should not make any decisions they do not have to. Encourage them to do only those things that are necessary. They should not make major financial decisions for a while. Additionally, do not rush them to get rid of the clothes or possessions of the one they lost. Avoid forcing them to attend parties or events they are not ready to participate in. Give them room to adjust. If they attend an event, permit them to leave early if things are uncomfortable.
Fifth, do not criticize how long it takes them to process their grief. There is no timeline for grief; each person and event is different. Trying to force people to heal faster than they are ready can cause more significant damage. We must offer grace and mercy to those struggling with grief and traumatic events.
Sixth, do not be surprised if they respond with anger and bitterness toward the person that has caused them to be in this place. They may be angry at the person who killed their family member. They may be angry at the drunk driver who critically injured their husband or wife. They may be angry at the drug dealer who sold their son or daughter the deadly drug. There are many reasons one may be angry or bitter. Give them time. Do not force an emotion or action they are not ready to express.
Finally, sometimes the best thing to do is to be there! You do not have to say anything. Just be present. Be available! Provide a ministry of presence.
So what do you feel about grief? Have you struggled with grief or trauma? Have you been forced to do things you were not ready to do? If so, what did you do, and how did you respond to this?
Finally, did even the statements about how to help others resonate with you? Which one is the biggest challenge for you? I encourage you to consider these questions. Be honest with your answers.
Life on the edge 