Tag Archives: questions

January 5, 2023 · 11:44 am

Are You Okay?

Dr. Bob Odom, Ph. D.

January 5, 2023

As we begin a new year, I want to talk about a subject that is getting more attention, which is a good thing. Recognition of mental health issues is an important step forward. For too long, we have avoided discussing mental health, and those needing help have missed opportunities to do so.

One of my favorite sayings is that it is okay to be okay. It is equally okay to admit that you have an issue and seek the help you need. Between Covid, the Flu, rising prices, the rise in the attention on crime, and other issues, we have seen an increase in mental health issues. It is my opinion, and the opinion of others, that we have yet to see the impact of Covid and being quarantined for that period.

If you are having a mental crisis, increased depression, and anxiety, it is important to get the help you need. Getting help may start with sharing your feelings with someone you can trust. Sometimes talking these things out can begin the process of healing. This is critical because we have often been discouraged from talking about our deficits. There is a fear that people will look at us differently. And unfortunately, that has been the case too many times.

That leads me to our discussion. For the one witnessing someone struggle mentally or emotionally, we can ask, “Are you okay?” Or “how do you feel?” The key to asking this question is to be ready to listen to the response. Unfortunately, too often ask such questions but are not interested in the answer. We are too busy. We are too afraid of the emotions they may be exhibited. We are too quick to try to solve problems rather than listen.

I can remember being asked this question, and as I began to share, I saw the person across from me become distracted. Their eyes began to glaze over. In truth, he did not want me to share; it was just a formality on his part. This experience made me think about how I respond to people when I ask them how they are doing and how I respond. Do I want them to answer the question honestly, or do I want them to reply with the standard answer, I am good?

The Bible is the source of great truths. One of those truths is that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). This applies here. Being quick to listen means we pay attention to what is being said. It means asking follow-up questions to get the person talking and going deeper into what is afflicting them. Listening does not mean that we are thinking of our response or trying to figure out how we will counsel them. Too often, this causes us to miss important cues that reveal much about the person.

When someone shares where there are mentally or emotionally, we do not have to have answers. What we need is to show empathy and love. The fact that they are sharing is critical. We show love by listening. We guard against making the discussion about us and keep it focused on the person talking. Too often, we begin to share our war stories, but this can cause the person sharing to shut down and stop talking. There may be a time to share our story but give time for the person to share before we do that.

Finally, do not judge the person. Too often, we can minimize what the person is going through, but this can make them feel small and inconsequential. We can make them think that what they are experiencing is unimportant, leading to them shutting down and causing more tension and anxiety.

Questions to consider:

Are you a good listener? If not, why?
Do you become distracted when others share what they are experiencing? If so, what can you do to change this?
Do you feel pressure to solve problems rather than listen to what the person is saying?
What questions can you ask to clarify the person’s feelings?

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Tagged as empathy, Its okay to be okay, Listening, mental health, questions

July 21, 2022 · 12:44 pm

The Lost Art of Conversation

As I look over the landscape of life, one of the issues I am seeing is that we have lost the power of conversation and exploring others’ ideas. Too often, communication is relegated to demanding acceptance and a loud tone of argumentation. What is lost is the art of listening to others. What is lost is the ability to understand what the other person is communicating and why.

I wonder how different things would be in our world if we listened more and talked less. I wonder how different things would be if we communicated to understand others rather than trying to force people to believe what we believe. I wonder how different things would be if we talked not to persuade but to learn more about the other person.

Now I realize that there are moments when we need to speak for influence but too much of communication today is to persuade someone to agree with us at all costs. And, when they disagree, we turn to angry and defiant forms of communication, or we use the power of the silent treatment. And worse, we communicate about the other person with other people. We gossip and tear down the other person without ever communicating with them. We assume we know them and judge their thoughts and motives.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that did all the talking? Have you been with someone who did not seem interested in what you had to say? Have you ever ended a conversation where you did not know what had been communicated because it seemed highly one-sided? Have you had conversations where the other person’s primary focus was to persuade you or convince you to agree with them? Too often, I wonder if people are trying to persuade me to believe their point of view rather than have a conversation. Or worse, they are not interested in what I have to say or believe.

There are so many issues today where this is applicable. As I look at the problems around us today, there are many places where the art of listening is critical. These include but are not limited to abortion, racism, religion, politics, climate change, or gay rights. What would happen if we could have a dialogue that is not accusatory, angry, or trying to persuade others to join “our side.” What if we asked questions to explore what the other person believes and why? What if we asked follow-up questions to find out more?

I have been amazed at what I have learned by listening to people and hearing their hearts. The fact is that I have often found that we have more to agree on than I imagined. I have learned that we are saying the same thing in many cases but in very different ways. Even when we are communicating different things, when we listen to others, we can learn from them. Why do they believe what they believe? Why do they hold onto that viewpoint?

I admit that it is often hard to listen. I want to interject my ideas and thoughts. I want to prove my position. I want others to get in line and follow my ideology. I can become impatient in the process. But it doesn’t work that way. We must listen to gain perspective.

During my years as a chaplain, I attempted to listen to those I was called to serve. It was always fun for me and a challenge to have them open up and talk. I am referring specifically to the paramedics and firefighters I helped. I laughed the first few times I would do a ride-along. Most often, before people got to know me, I was not well received, or I was received with an extended hand that spoke that I was to keep my distance. They had previous experiences that had soured their view of the chaplaincy. Some of the earlier chaplains did more preaching than listening. They would carry big Bibles and quote obscure or often misquoted scriptures.

However, their responses did not deter me but challenged me to communicate in a way that would get them to share about themselves. It did not take long for the paramedics and fire department if I asked a few key questions. I would start with “How long have you been doing this?” I would follow up with “What made you desire to become a paramedic?” And then, “What was the most memorable call you have ever been on?” This was usually followed by “What was the worse call you ever had?”

I was amazed that these simple and sincere questions opened doors for further communication. When asking these questions, I fought the battle to cut them off and resolve problems. Because I volunteered for a local fire department, they often asked me questions. It was interesting what questions I would be asked. Most often, I think it was to get a reaction. But I would share my thoughts but the conversation back to them and ask, “what is your opinion or thoughts on this?” My goal was to keep my answers short and turn the discussion back to them as soon as possible.

Some of the other paramedics who knew me well were surprised when some would stay after their shift to talk about issues in their life. It was in these discussions that I could share my views and give counsel. The biggest reason for this was that I was willing to listen.

Listening is not easy, but it is worth it. One of the biggest things I found in studying the issue of trauma is people need an outlet to talk. They do not need their problem solved. They need to talk. They do not need us to use language that deters healing and brings a deeper wound.

What would happen if we listened to the young mom who finds herself pregnant? What if we talked and listened rather than judged or brought accusations against her? What about people who may be different than us? They may differ by race, gender, sexual preference, political party, or religious persuasion. What could we learn from them? What could we learn about ourselves?

James, a pastor in the early church, had this to say, and it bears mentioning. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

As I close, I challenge you to find someone different in viewpoints and ideologies. Connect with them and listen. Ask open-ended questions that require more than one-word answers. This may take more than one meeting as the other person may need to feel secure in talking and not being judged or persuaded to believe another way. Try it. You might like it. And, in the process, you may find out some things about others that will amaze you. And who knows, you might find out something about yourself.

Grief and the Question Why?

Peninsula Community Church

Grief and the Question Why?

February 10, 2019

Job 3:1-15 After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. And Job said: “Let the day perish on which I was born, and the night that said, ‘A man is conceived.’ Let that day be darkness! May God above not seek it, nor light shine upon it. Let gloom and deep darkness claim it. Let clouds dwell upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it. That night—let thick darkness seize it! Let it not rejoice among the days of the year; let it not come into the number of the months. Behold, let that night be barren; let no joyful cry enter it. Let those curse it who curse the day, who are ready to rouse up Leviathan. Let the stars of its dawn be dark; let it hope for light, but have none, nor see the eyelids of the morning, because it did not shut the doors of my mother’s womb, nor hide trouble from my eyes. “Why did I not die at birth, come out from the womb and expire? Why did the knees receive me? Or why the breasts, that I should nurse? For then I would have lain down and been quiet; I would have slept; then I would have been at rest, with kings and counselors of the earth who rebuilt ruins for themselves, or with princes who had gold, who filled their houses with silver.

Today, we continue our study of grief and its effect on us. As we have stated already grief is a normal part of loss. While it is normal each person will experience grief differently and in different ways. We have determined that grief is not a linear process, but it is a bundle of tangled emotions. We have noted that in time we will come to a new normal, and that new normal will guide our lives to a new place of hope and adventure with God, the one who loves us deeply.

As we begin this study today, let me tell you a story. Many years ago there was a man who was a successful businessman. He was a spiritual giant. He was blameless in his actions and his deeds. He had a happy family. He was healthy and most of all he was a passionate follower of God. But one day his life was turned upside down. In a few short hours his children were tragically killed, his business was destroyed, he developed a serious illness, and within days of these tragedies his friends and his wife failed to understand the magnitude of what he was going through. They attempted to deflect the issues and attempted to make him the bad guy. They encouraged him to do things that were not in his wheel house of thinking.

The man I am talking about is Job. In this story satan issued a challenge to God, that if Job were to be tested, he would fail. God agreed because He knew Job’s heart. He knew that Job would endure whatever was thrown at him. As we read the story we see that the Sabeans came in and stole his oxen and donkeys and they killed the servants in charge. This would be like someone coming onto one of the farms around us and stealing the tractors, combines, hay balers, and other equipment and then killing those who operated the equipment. At the same time, we find that his sheep and cattle were burnt up in a fire. This would just like a local farmer’s crops being burnt up and destroyed. The last dagger he received was the word that all of his children had been killed by a sudden violent wind storm. This godly, righteous man according to Scripture faced grief on many levels and on several fronts.

While Job was a faithful and blameless man, he reached the point that we all reach many times when we face heartache and pain. He began to ask the question we all ask! “Why God!” “Why did this have to happen?” “Why did this happen to me?” “Why were my innocent children caught up in this mess?” “Why did I lose everything?” The questions seem to go on and on. As Job did we also have endless questions with little or no answers. In fact, the why question is not just a question we ask at someone’s death, but we ask “why” when we are confronted by many issues in life: divorce, crime, words and actions people take against us.

The question why is a natural question to be ask but it is a question that is much easier to ask than to answer. At first, we find that Job is rejoicing and proclaiming the sovereignty of God. Listen to his words. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong (Job 1:21-22). In a moment that praise is turned the reality of grief and his heart swells with the questions.

When you think Job has had enough, we find that he is infected with horrible sores from his feet to his head. His whole body was affected by these sores and open wounds. Then we find the most painful thing of all. His wife instead of supporting him wanted him to curse God and die. She in essence wanted to get the pain over with. To be honest we might want to judge her, but we must remember that she is dealing with her own grief and pain from the loss of her family. Remember we all respond to grief differently. Then there are Job’s friends. Initially they just sat and did not do anything. Later we see they began to accuse Job of sin and wrong doing. They were blaming Job and they were trying to fix him. How many times have you been walking in grief or experiencing pain and people try to fix you? But, God is the only one who can fix us.

It was at this point where we see Job begin to ask the great question of all time. Why? Why was I born? Why did you not just kill me at brith and be done? This was more than Job could bear. While these are Job’s questions your questions may be totally different. The focus of your grief may be different. Your loss and the circumstances surrounding your loss will drive your questions you ask. With that in mind, let us look at a couple of things about the why question and its relationship to grief.

First of all, it is totally okey to be honest with God about your questions. David was honest. Job was honest. Many Biblical characters we read about were honest with their questions. We can be also honest because God knows our heart and He knows the pain of the unanswered questions that reside deep within us. Sometimes the pain of grief is experienced through the turmoil of unanswered questions, and it is for that reason we need to be honest with Him.

It is here that we are drawn to the words of David in Psalm 22:1-2. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Why have you forsaken me? Why were you not there? Why did you not intervene? But in Psalm 56:8 he reminds us that God does care. You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Think about this, we have a Father who keeps track of the tossing we do and He catches every single tear we cry in a bottle. When we begin to grasp the depth of that truth, we can say with confidence just as David did, This I know: God is on my side (Psalm 56:9). While it may not seem like it at times, God knows your pain. He knows your hurt. He knows the questions you have.

In looking at the question of why we must always also remember that we are living in a fallen world. This world is corrupt and therefore it is filled with sin, disease, and people who make bad decisions. People choose to eat the wrong things even though they have been diagnosed with heart disease or high blood pressure. They choose to drive drunk and cause accidents that take innocent lives. Because of sin, disease has come into the world. In God’s plan for the world there was no sin. There was no disease. There was no evil. Unfortunately from the time of the fall of mankind sin came, disease came, and now people make bad decisions that affect others. That is why sometimes the pain of death is so great. The one we love was taken by someone who made a bad decision and our loved one was innocent. That is painful.

This may be difficult to grasp but God does not owe us an explanation because He is God. In the story of Job we find that he is looking for answers. You see we often look at Job as this guy who never wavered and was stalwart in his faith, but he had questions just as much as we do. In Job 38:4-7 God answers his questions but it was not the answer Job was looking for. God says “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? We are reminded that God’s ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). They are past finding out. In essence, on this side of heaven there will be things that happen that we will not understand but we must trust Him. Job expressed this sentiment in Job 13:15. Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.

Finally, even if God gave us the answer to our why questions, we probably would not understand. We would still have more questions, and most often we would probably not agree with the answer or reasoning God would give anyway. If we had all of the answers we would probably still not be at peace or find that our grief is less than it is right now. In the end, we must trust God. I know that we keep coming back to this, but it is the truth of the matter. While it is hard to trust anyone when we are in pain, we must recognize that God provides and His ways are far above our ways. Only then can we trust Him and surrender our pain to Him.

With all of this in mind perhaps we are asking the wrong question. Perhaps we need to ask how is this going to be used in my life to make a difference in others? What does God want to do with this event and the grief I am facing? Remember Job. God used his losses to focus him on the redemption of God. In the end, we find that God will restore us to a new normal and He will open doors for us to speak into the lives of others. Job found that to be true. God restored him and brought him to a new normal. Now your new normal will be different, but you will reach a new normal. We know this because of Job’s own words. In Job 19:25 he stated For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. Job knew that weeping may endure for the evening but joy will come again. We will get through this with a new revelation of truth about who God is and what He can do in and through us.

For an audio of this message go to http://pccministry.org/messages.

Tag Archives: questions

Are You Okay?

The Lost Art of Conversation

Grief and the Question Why?

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