Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.
April 20, 2024
Over the last several years, I have begun a journey to become more self-aware of God’s purpose for me as an individual. In so doing, I am learning what makes me do what I do and more about who I am. One thing I have learned is that I am a people-pleaser. It is hard to admit that, but it is true.
Now, let me explain why I believe this is true for me. When I was a child, I had a stepdad who was abusive emotionally, physically, and mentally. That impacted me deeply. I did not feel loved. It was the opposite. Rather than love, I felt anger. I believed it was my fault for my dad’s actions. He made no bones about not liking me. Therefore, I began to feel unwanted and unloved. This started my pursuit of getting approval from people because I wanted to be loved and accepted.
When I was twelve, I moved to my dad’s house. While things there were much better, my dad was not emotionally connected, and he was not able to communicate his love for us definitively. Other issues during my teenage years solidified my feeling of not being worthy. This was not good. As a result of this, I developed a false sense of what my worth and value looked like. The need for approval was heightened and grew stronger.
I was in my mid-fifties before I heard my dad say he loved and was proud of me. At least, that was the first time I remember. I overheard him on the phone with his pastor. He was telling his pastor how proud he was of me and what success he saw in me. I was overwhelmed by my dad’s complimentary words. Even though he was talking to his pastor and not to me directly, I believed I had received some of the admiration and approval I needed. Until then, I had been striving to get my dad’s approval. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and to think I was successful.
Because I did not receive those words in my early years, I began to seek approval from others. I would work hard. I was obedient and toed the line of what others thought of me. While I did desire to work hard and feel the joy of completing a task, I also worked hard so that whoever my boss or the key person in my life was, I would hear them say they were pleased with me. I was seeking approval. I wanted to please others and get their approval. When I did not get that, I would work harder and harder to get approval.
One of the problems was that I was drawn to people who praised me and gave their approval. Unfortunately, they often did this solely to motivate me to do what they wanted. Ultimately, they were less connected to me than I thought. Over and over, I would be disappointed because I would be let down when I needed to receive the approval I needed. When that did not work, too often, I would leave or disconnect from those I sought approval from. As a result, I made bad decisions based on needing approval rather than truth. Or I would be angry that I did not get the approval I had longed for.
A second issue was that, as a result, I desired so much to please others that I became overly concerned about what people thought of me. The problem is that people continued to disappoint me and would never say the right thing or give me the approval I needed or desired. I was in an endless cycle of disappointment because I would not get the approval and praise I sought. And when someone else was honored or praised, I would get offended and angry at the person getting rewarded.
Another problem was that since I was trying to get the approval and praise of others, I would often give in to what others wanted. This happened so much that I no longer knew what I wanted. I started to lose myself and my desires. I began to need clarification about my needs, goals, and aspirations.
When I realized this was what I was doing and began to work through this issue, I found that I was being healed. I found that I did not have to please people anymore. There was a release for me. It was fulfilling to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed and not simply to please everyone else. I could now decide based on what was right and what was founded in truth rather than trying to please others.
I have added an essential word to my vocabulary: no. How free it is to say no to the things I do not want to do without guilt or fear of not getting approval. Responding this way is refreshing, and it is a realization that the world continues to circle the sun. Things did not fall apart, and people still liked me.
In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 15), we find Saul failed big time because he tried to please others. Instead of doing what God wanted, he took things into his own hands. He blamed the people and tried to please them more than pleasing God. How sad a commentary on one who could have been a great king. This was the commentary of my life until I started my journey of self-awareness.
On a side note, this does not mean that we do not consider others better than ourselves or that we do not put others first. We do these things, but not at the expense of knowing who we are and being more self-aware.
Regarding my journey, I am not fully healed in this area. I continue to struggle from time to time, but I am getting better. I am processing this lesson for myself, realizing that I need to be more aware of my motivation for doing what I do.
If this resonates with you, I challenge you to take stock of your life. Why do you do what you do? Do you find it hard to say no because you are seeking approval? Are you afraid that people will not like you if you say no?
So let me ask you:
- How are you doing in this area of your life?
- How often are you doing things to get another’s approval and praise? How is that working for you?
- How often do you feel used by others? This can happen when we want others’ approval. It is hard to say no because we fear they will not approve of or like us.
- Think about when you stood your ground and said no to someone without feeling pressured to get their approval. How did that feel?
© Robert W. Odom, 2024
The Trap of Seeking Approval
Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.
April 20, 2024
Over the last several years, I have begun a journey to become more self-aware of God’s purpose for me as an individual. In so doing, I am learning what makes me do what I do and more about who I am. One thing I have learned is that I am a people-pleaser. It is hard to admit that, but it is true.
Now, let me explain why I believe this is true for me. When I was a child, I had a stepdad who was abusive emotionally, physically, and mentally. That impacted me deeply. I did not feel loved. It was the opposite. Rather than love, I felt anger. I believed it was my fault for my dad’s actions. He made no bones about not liking me. Therefore, I began to feel unwanted and unloved. This started my pursuit of getting approval from people because I wanted to be loved and accepted.
When I was twelve, I moved to my dad’s house. While things there were much better, my dad was not emotionally connected, and he was not able to communicate his love for us definitively. Other issues during my teenage years solidified my feeling of not being worthy. This was not good. As a result of this, I developed a false sense of what my worth and value looked like. The need for approval was heightened and grew stronger.
I was in my mid-fifties before I heard my dad say he loved and was proud of me. At least, that was the first time I remember. I overheard him on the phone with his pastor. He was telling his pastor how proud he was of me and what success he saw in me. I was overwhelmed by my dad’s complimentary words. Even though he was talking to his pastor and not to me directly, I believed I had received some of the admiration and approval I needed. Until then, I had been striving to get my dad’s approval. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and to think I was successful.
Because I did not receive those words in my early years, I began to seek approval from others. I would work hard. I was obedient and toed the line of what others thought of me. While I did desire to work hard and feel the joy of completing a task, I also worked hard so that whoever my boss or the key person in my life was, I would hear them say they were pleased with me. I was seeking approval. I wanted to please others and get their approval. When I did not get that, I would work harder and harder to get approval.
One of the problems was that I was drawn to people who praised me and gave their approval. Unfortunately, they often did this solely to motivate me to do what they wanted. Ultimately, they were less connected to me than I thought. Over and over, I would be disappointed because I would be let down when I needed to receive the approval I needed. When that did not work, too often, I would leave or disconnect from those I sought approval from. As a result, I made bad decisions based on needing approval rather than truth. Or I would be angry that I did not get the approval I had longed for.
A second issue was that, as a result, I desired so much to please others that I became overly concerned about what people thought of me. The problem is that people continued to disappoint me and would never say the right thing or give me the approval I needed or desired. I was in an endless cycle of disappointment because I would not get the approval and praise I sought. And when someone else was honored or praised, I would get offended and angry at the person getting rewarded.
Another problem was that since I was trying to get the approval and praise of others, I would often give in to what others wanted. This happened so much that I no longer knew what I wanted. I started to lose myself and my desires. I began to need clarification about my needs, goals, and aspirations.
When I realized this was what I was doing and began to work through this issue, I found that I was being healed. I found that I did not have to please people anymore. There was a release for me. It was fulfilling to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed and not simply to please everyone else. I could now decide based on what was right and what was founded in truth rather than trying to please others.
I have added an essential word to my vocabulary: no. How free it is to say no to the things I do not want to do without guilt or fear of not getting approval. Responding this way is refreshing, and it is a realization that the world continues to circle the sun. Things did not fall apart, and people still liked me.
In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 15), we find Saul failed big time because he tried to please others. Instead of doing what God wanted, he took things into his own hands. He blamed the people and tried to please them more than pleasing God. How sad a commentary on one who could have been a great king. This was the commentary of my life until I started my journey of self-awareness.
On a side note, this does not mean that we do not consider others better than ourselves or that we do not put others first. We do these things, but not at the expense of knowing who we are and being more self-aware.
Regarding my journey, I am not fully healed in this area. I continue to struggle from time to time, but I am getting better. I am processing this lesson for myself, realizing that I need to be more aware of my motivation for doing what I do.
If this resonates with you, I challenge you to take stock of your life. Why do you do what you do? Do you find it hard to say no because you are seeking approval? Are you afraid that people will not like you if you say no?
So let me ask you:
- How are you doing in this area of your life?
- How often are you doing things to get another’s approval and praise? How is that working for you?
- How often do you feel used by others? This can happen when we want others’ approval. It is hard to say no because we fear they will not approve of or like us.
- Think about when you stood your ground and said no to someone without feeling pressured to get their approval. How did that feel?
© Robert W. Odom, 2024
Life on the edge 