Tag Archives: Trauma

December 5, 2023 · 8:05 am

Rewriting Your Story

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

As I continue to study grief and trauma, I am amazed at how we have been created. David states that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14). The brain that God created is an amazing work of creative genius, but that is God. It is literally more powerful than any computer.

While we have been created with an amazing brain, the brain can be impacted when it is confronted with grief or trauma. For many people, they can adjust, and the impact is minimal. However, the effect is more severe for others, and it is hard for them to recover after severe traumatic events.

After experiencing trauma, certain parts of the brain begin to shut down. The deactivation of certain brain parts causes other brain areas to be impacted. For example, when trauma is experienced, the left hemisphere is deactivated. This affects our ability to logically make sense of what is happening and then be able to put these experiences into words.   

It is as if the brain cannot get past the pain experienced. When this happens, the brain becomes stuck on specific events that arouse negative emotions. These events are remembered in fragments and not the entire experience. Even when progress is made, some stimuli return one’s brain to that place of pain. It could be a smell, a sound, a place, or other stimuli. It is as if the brain is codified to respond to certain stimuli because of one’s past experiences.

Studies show there is scientific data that supports this. When those who have PTSD were tested, the brain scan showed exciting results. Specific brain areas would light up on the monitor when certain words were spoken, or specific pictures were established. The brain responded to the stimuli as if they were experiencing trauma for the first time. Specific brain areas lit up when these stimuli were present, even when the patient was not excited. It occurred simply using a word or a suggestion.[1]  

As we enter this Christmas season, while this is a time of celebration for most people, those suffering from the effects of trauma can have a different response. The mind can respond to Christmas in negative ways unconsciously. I used to get depressed at Christmas. Each year, there was a fog that would overwhelm me. I loved the season but could not help but feel depressed and disconnected.

After some time, I met with a counselor, and we discussed this issue. As I began sharing my life story with him, I realized Christmas was not a good childhood memory. My stepdad at Christmas would most often be drunk and would abuse my mom, myself, and my brothers. Physically and emotionally, he would attack us, so much so that the joy of Christmas was lost in the pain we experienced. This impacted me in such negative ways.

I remember one Christmas, he threw our gifts around the living room and screamed that we did not appreciate what he had purchased with his hard-earned money. The truth is it was my mom that had worked hard to buy us the gifts. His money was consumed with alcohol and gambling. When my mom would defend us, he would punch and hit my mom. Although she tried to hide it, blood would be evident on her face. This made me feel so sad that Christmas was not a happy time.

Working with the counselor, I was able to identify this as one of the root causes of my grief and depression. Once I recognized the core driver of my depression, it helped me to identify and name it so that it was not an abstract problem. In years to come, I could rewrite the story of Christmas in my mind and begin to write a story of grace and truth. After a few years of doing this, I could navigate Christmas without being depressed and angry.

There are many ways to respond to negative stimuli. We must be able to identify and name the emotions we are experiencing. Is it fear? Is it anger at what was done to us? Is it a state of depression? Or are there other issues at play?

One of the ways to deal with this is that we need to rewrite our story. Write a different ending to our story. Instead of fear and anxiety, write a story of grace and love. Write a story that ends with the grace of God. The goal is to get unstuck.

By naming the emotions we are experiencing, we can begin to look at the triggers that cause us to respond the way we do. By recognizing that I was depressed because of the way my stepdad acted at Christmas, I was able to transform my mind and focus on the positive aspects of Christmas. I can remember the first Christmas that I made it through the season without any significant depression.

Finally, prayer was a critical part of the healing process. While it was essential to rewrite my story, name the emotions that I was experiencing, and recognize the triggers that caused me to respond negatively, prayer is also critical. Prayer has a healing component. Prayer focuses on the power of God to transform our minds and reposition us to lean into healthy responses.

I will close with what one writer wrote recently: Rewriting your stuck story when dealing with trauma is a challenging but essential process. By understanding the power of our story, recognizing our triggers, reframing our perspective, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and taking action, we can break free from the negative cycle and create a new, positive narrative for ourselves. (Author Unknown).

So let me ask you:

  1. Do you experience negative emotions today from past experiences? Be specific.
  • To the degree that you can, name the emotions you are experiencing. This may not be easy but start with the ones you know.
  • How would you rewrite your story? For example, in my case what would a Christmas look like without being depressed?
  • Can you set aside time to pray and meditate? You may need to purposely plan some time to do so.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

[1] Von Der Kolk, Bessel, The Body Keeps the Score, Penguin Random House, 2014, pp 37-41.

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August 6, 2023 · 6:46 am

Grief and Psalm 46

I love Psalm 46. I have used this passage many times at funeral services to encourage others. When we face grief and trauma, this passage brings hope. The problem is that too often when we grieve or encounter traumatic events, we can become angry with God as we feel He has let us down. We are disappointed and upset that the outcomes we hoped for were not different. This is a natural result of facing difficult issues. However, let me let you in on a secret. God can handle our disappointment and anger. He wants us to be honest with Him. Rather than bury our emotions, we need to face them. It is okay to be angry, but we must direct our anger to the right place.

Now to Psalm 46. David begins the passage with an incredible word of hope and a revelation of the work of God to sustain us. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 26:1, ESV). This passage speaks to the promise of God that He will not leave or forsake us. Notice that David gives us three descriptions of God. First, He is a refuge. He is a safe place to go amid life’s problems. God is strength. The writers of the New Testament state that our weakness is the best place for His strength to be revealed (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). He is also present and wants to help in times of trouble. He is an ever-present God who knows what we go through.

While David makes these pivotable statements about the character of God, he begins to detail an illustrative view of what life can be like. I love his descriptions. Look at these. Though the earth gives way, the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas, the waters roar and foam, and the mountains tremble. David was describing a world that was falling apart. Life was hard. Things were changing, and it felt like nothing was secure.

When we face grief and trauma, our lives can feel this way. It can feel that our world is falling apart. The foundations that we thought were secure can be shaken to their core. Our loved one who dies can cause our world to fall apart. Because of our love for them, we can feel lost and unsure about the future.  When we lose our jobs, we can begin to feel insecure, although we thought we were in a good position for promotion and retirement in the future. The person we trusted cheated us out of money, and now we find that our financial world is in a crisis. The friendship or relationship we thought was secure has ended suddenly. They deceived us. They broke our hearts. The divorce experienced was more than our hearts can take. And now we must deal with them as we try to resolve finances, home, kids, and new relationships.

Grief and trauma do that to us. It causes us to question life and reconsider what is secure. We can begin to ask what kind of future we have. We wonder if there is any hope. We wonder if life will ever be normal again. We wait for the next problem to arise. We feel depressed. We feel alone. We feel lost. Our world has shifted. 

While all these statements are factual, at the end of Psalm 46, David reminds us that no matter what happens, one thing remains the same. God is the same. David challenges us to “Be still and know that God is still God.” This is much harder than it appears. Too often, when we face the difficult struggles of life, we can question God’s reasoning for the events we encounter. What does it mean to be still? When facing the difficulties described in this passage, we can struggle to be still and quiet our minds from all the thoughts flooding our minds.

To be still can mean different things to different people. So let me offer a couple of suggestions. First, journal your thoughts. For some, this can be therapeutic. Through journaling, we can write our thoughts, share our emotions, and be honest about our feelings. We can do so without the fear of judgment or criticism. Before journaling, pause to think about your feelings and the pressures you are facing. Write those things down.

Second, we can meditate and consider what we are thankful for amid our struggles. This is easier said than done. But looking for the positive amid the difficulty can give us hope. While the above scenarios can be difficult, we can refocus our minds by being thankful. In so doing, thankfulness helps to quiet our hearts and restore our minds.

Third, rest your mind. That may be an oversimplified suggestion, but it can make a difference. Rest is important. It means that we quiet our minds and our souls. It might mean simply sitting in a chair with our eyes closed. It might mean going for a walk or a run. It might be finding a quiet place in a park or beach. The point is that resting our minds allows us to be still and know that God has not changed. He is still a present help in times of trouble.

Fourth, listen to music. Music can have a calming effect. The amazing thing is that music can soothe the soul. And the remarkable thing is that a plethora of music is available for every heart. For me, worship music is one way to quiet my heart and rest.

Here is the deal, grief, and trauma will turn our world upside down, but we must find ways to quiet our hearts and rest amid the difficulty. This is not always easy, but it is necessary.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where is it that your world is being turned upside down? Be specific.
  2. Where do you find it hard to trust God amid the grieving process?
  3. What helps you quiet your mind in difficult situations?
  4. Have you tried journaling? If not, try it. Be honest about your emotions.
  5. Most of all, know that God is present to help you. Where do you see God at work?

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October 22, 2022 · 1:32 pm

Handling Grief and Trauma in a Healthy Way

Someone has said that if you have not experienced grief or trauma, give it time. You will. The fact is, we will all experience suffering and trauma at some point in our life. The problem is that we often do not navigate either of these very well. There are several reasons for this, but I will deal with a couple of things.

We often forget that everyone will deal with grief and trauma differently. Some seem not to be impacted by their experience, while others are hit much harder. Additionally, we do not know how we might handle a specific challenge as each trauma we face, the timing, and the overall impact of one or more traumas affect us differently.

When dealing with trauma, our religious beliefs and theological positions will affect how we deal with grief and trauma. When we face trauma or severe grief, we can encounter a crisis of faith because of what we have been taught and when our beliefs are challenged. For example, we have been taught to be joyful in all things. While this is a true statement, we can struggle emotionally and not feel joyful when confronting a traumatic event in our life. We work hard to be joyful when our hearts are broken and our emotions are all over the place. The reality is that it is hard to feel joy when our world has been turned upside down.

For others, we are told that we do not have enough faith if we struggle with grief and trauma. We are told we need more faith if we feel angry or depressed during these events. We are told to suck it up and get over our grief.  For example, my wife, who was struggling with the loss of her sister, was told, “let the dead bury the dead.” This was followed by “It is time to move on and get it together.”

The result can be devastating when we try to follow this counsel and not deal with trauma or grief honestly. Many fake their feelings and pretend that everything is okay rather than processing their grief in positive ways. They bury their sorrow. But grief will be dealt with. It may not be in the moment, but grief can affect us for a long time when not processed positively. It can come out in ways that we sometimes do not expect. We can have emotional outbursts. Our blood pressure can be elevated. We can struggle with digestive issues. Sleep will escape us, and when awake, we constantly ruminate about the events(s).

When processing grief, we need to know that everyone will deal with grief and trauma differently. Some will take longer than others, and that is okay. There are no timelines for processing grief. The key is that we are moving forward. Sometimes this means doing the next thing, whatever that might be. It might be to take a shower. Clean your room. One step, one thing at a time, can lead to bigger things in time.

When facing trauma, we can receive counsel, and people can say the most incredible statements that can wound and hurt us. For example, one mother’s son died from a childhood disease before he was a year old. One of the people on the receiving line told her, “At least you don’t have to worry about potty training.” This statement missed the mark and caused additional hurt to this poor woman.

Others often assert that things will improve, but that is not always true when dealing with trauma. The issue is that people dealing with trauma are navigating a new normal. While people are coping with grief and trauma, things can worsen before they improve. One spouse whose husband had passed away quickly and without warning found that he had not paid taxes in ten years. She also discovered that their finances were a mess and that he had many outstanding debts.

Upon his death, they were, for all practical purposes, bankrupt. For almost three years, things did not get better for her. She had to sell their home and cars and pick up extra jobs to pay the bills to have a decent income. Today, things are better for her, but at first, things did not improve and did not for several years.

So how do we help someone who is dealing with grief? First, be a good listener. Sometimes one dealing with grief or trauma need to talk. Do not offer counsel or try to solve the problems. Just listen. Ask questions to clarify what they are saying. Repeat back what you think you have heard them say. This will give them a sense of freedom and security.

Second, come alongside them to offer your help. Avoid asking what they need because they will feel awkward sharing. Or they may not know what they need. Look for opportunities to serve them. Cook a meal. Cut their grass. Buy them groceries. Clean their house. Wash their clothes. Come along and help them.

Third, accept the mood swings that will be inevitable. Some days they will be happy and then suddenly very sad and perhaps even depressed. Sometimes these mood swings are because of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates. Sometimes there is no reason at all. There is a memory that comes and affects them. Perhaps they wake up feeling lonely and sad.

Fourth, do not force them to do anything they are not ready to do. In the first few months, they should not make any decisions they do not have to. Encourage them to do only those things that are necessary. They should not make major financial decisions for a while. Additionally, do not rush them to get rid of the clothes or possessions of the one they lost. Avoid forcing them to attend parties or events they are not ready to participate in. Give them room to adjust. If they attend an event, permit them to leave early if things are uncomfortable.

Fifth, do not criticize how long it takes them to process their grief. There is no timeline for grief; each person and event is different. Trying to force people to heal faster than they are ready can cause more significant damage. We must offer grace and mercy to those struggling with grief and traumatic events.

Sixth, do not be surprised if they respond with anger and bitterness toward the person that has caused them to be in this place. They may be angry at the person who killed their family member. They may be angry at the drunk driver who critically injured their husband or wife. They may be angry at the drug dealer who sold their son or daughter the deadly drug. There are many reasons one may be angry or bitter. Give them time. Do not force an emotion or action they are not ready to express.

Finally, sometimes the best thing to do is to be there! You do not have to say anything. Just be present. Be available! Provide a ministry of presence.

So what do you feel about grief? Have you struggled with grief or trauma? Have you been forced to do things you were not ready to do? If so, what did you do, and how did you respond to this?

Finally, did even the statements about how to help others resonate with you? Which one is the biggest challenge for you? I encourage you to consider these questions. Be honest with your answers.

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May 3, 2022 · 8:28 pm

Spiritual and Emotional Implications of Trauma

Today, we will look at the spiritual implications of trauma. I am combining the spiritual and emotional impacts of trauma because they are so connected. When facing traumatic events, one can experience extreme emotions. It is also possible to have a faith crisis.

A crisis of faith can result from what has been termed cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is a theory formulated by Leon Festinger in the 1950s. This theory states that when an individual holds two or more elements of knowledge relevant to each other but inconsistent with each other, a state of discomfort is created. Spiritually, this can lead individuals to believe their faith is being challenged and what they were taught is now questioned[i].

Churches have correctly taught that God is good. But when facing a traumatic event, God’s goodness can be questioned. We can struggle to understand why certain events happen. For example, we have a loved one killed in a motor vehicle accident. To make matters worse, the other driver was drunk and hit your loved one at a high rate of speed. The driver walks away with little or no injuries. When I was sixteen, my thirteen-year-old brother was killed in a hunting accident. He was killed when a gun we were using went off even though the safety was engaged. He was killed instantly.

When such events happen, we can question the goodness of God. We often ask, “Why God?” Why would God allow my brother to be killed at such a young age? Why at that time? How could a good God allow this to happen? These unanswered questions can draw us into a wave of anger toward God and others. We can begin to blame God. Sometimes we blame ourselves for an event that is beyond our control. And, of course, we blame others.

We need to know that asking the why question is natural during trauma. But, unfortunately, the answer that often comes to those facing trauma is to suck it up! It could be worse! Or have more faith. Now I believe in faith, and I am a man of faith, but I also know that telling someone just to have faith is not enough. For example, Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that all things work together for good..” This Scripture expresses an absolute truth, but it is hard to grasp this concept even though we know it to be true when dealing with severe trauma. The problem is that this one Scripture can be overused. Because this passage is misused, it can do more damage than good. People do not need an overused scripture thrown at them because we do not know what to say or do under the circumstances.

Secondly, we have been taught that God loves us. When trauma happens, we think that God does not love us as much as He did. As we begin to question the “why” of tragic events, we can also doubt His love. When we doubt His love, several things can happen. For one, we can reject God as being unloving and harsh. Secondly, we can strive and work for His love. Finally, we strive for a love that is already available to us.

Striving for God’s love creates another layer to the trauma experience. Can you imagine someone experiencing extreme trauma and at the same time feeling unloved? And, to make matters worse, they feel unloved by God. For a good part of my life, I struggled to get God’s approval and get people’s approval. I did not feel loved because I had a poor understanding of love. I grew up in several different family environments. Some were good and some bad. At least two of these environments were not healthy, and I developed an unhealthy view of love and myself. But, I am so glad that I have grown to understand that God loves me regardless. I may not be faithful to Him, but He still loves me. His love is not contingent on what I know but on what He has already done. As a result, I do not beat myself up as much as I did in the past. And my love for others is healthy, and I do not strive for love as much as I did.

Sometimes, church, work, and family environments produce an atmosphere of guilt, shame, and fear. Leaders manage people through fear and guilt. They handle things through an atmosphere of control. So, when trauma happens, people are filled with shame, guilt, and fear. Rather than experiencing the warmth of God’s love and others, they feel rejected and unloved. The reality is that many will not share their true selves and mask who they are. They will cover and hide how they feel when engaged in these environments. They will pretend to be okay so as not to be judged by those around them. They pretend to be okay because they fear the guilt and judgment that will come if they are honest.

Most organizations which include churches, are not equipped to handle trauma. Admittedly, it is a challenge to deal with severe traumatic events. Too often, as noted last week, too many pastors proclaim you need to have faith, and this will pass. They will share their pet passages even if they do not apply to the circumstances presented. They are not equipped to handle the complexity of trauma. In addition, many churches are not equipped to handle the plethora of emotions revealed through trauma.

Leaders of churches and other organizations must learn how to handle trauma and conflict better. For example, I have been listening to podcasts by Christianity Today! The podcasts discuss the rise and fall of Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll. They refer to spiritual trauma experienced due to an attitude of hostility and anger in the church, mainly by Mark himself. There is no doubt many great things that happened for the kingdom of God through Mark and Mars Hills. However, this success has been clouded by the events and the demise of Mars Hill.[ii]

In this post, it may appear that I am coming against the church and organizational structures. I am not against good churches and organizations. I am concerned about environments that produce shame, guilt, and fear more than grace, love, and healing. Many great churches and organizations attempt to do what is right. They have instituted systems that present an atmosphere where it is healthy to deal with trauma and issues without fear, guilt, or excessive control by the leadership.

Let us mention two of them. First, the Sussex County Emergency Medical Services Organization in Delaware has instituted systems to help employees deal with trauma in healthy and productive ways. Second, our home church, Hill City RVA in Richmond, VA, has also established positive systems to assist people in positive ways without judging them personally. We will discuss these organizations more in the future.

Finally, as I close this discussion if you feel unloved, know you are loved. You are loved more than you will ever know! Know that trauma takes time. Do not let anyone push you to do things you are not ready to do. Also, if you are dealing with fear, anger, and shame, forgiveness is the best thing you can do! Forgive God, forgive others, and forgive yourself.

Join us next week as we look at the power of forgiveness related to trauma. See you next week.

[i] Bonura, Dean. 2019. “Post-Traumatic Stress Spirituality and Trauma.” NP. The Warrior’s Journey. Acessed March 15, 2020. https://thewarriorsjourney.org/challenges/spiritual-truam/.

[ii] Christianity Today. https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/podcasts/rise-and-fall-of-mars-hill/. These podcasts consists of 13 sessions dealing with spiritual trauma. The hosts of the program deal with the growth of the mega church and the challenges that can come from the speed of the growth. In one of the podcasts, the speakers share that Mark Driscoll’s ability outpaced his character. This is the case in many environments that produce unhealthy systems for dealing with problems.

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