Category Archives: Uncategorized

December 17, 2023 · 11:02 am

Rahab – a Story of Acceptance and Faith

Today, we continue our look at the genealogy of Jesus and Joseph. Last time, we looked at Tamar; this time, we will look at the story of Rahab, the prostitute. What I love about the Bible is that the authors do not try to hide the good, the bad, or the ugly about people. It is all included so that we find that we are welcome no matter who we are or what we have done.

I am amazed and blessed that Tamar and Rahab were included in the story of Christ. Her story was filled with deceit and rejection, but nonetheless, it is a story of hope. As we look at the story of Rahab, a few things will help us understand it. The nation of Israel had finally left the wilderness. They had been there for forty years because of their disobedience. They could have entered earlier, but they spent forty years wandering in the wilderness because of their lack of faith.

When the Israelites crossed the Jordan River into the promised land, they were to conquer it. While in the wilderness, God provided them with everything. He provided food, water, and safety. Now, they would have to fend for themselves. They were to possess the land but had to fight for it. They had to take it.

God had commanded the Israelites to take the land and destroy Jericho, but they were to do so in an unconventional means. They were to march around the town once a day for six days. On the seventh day, they were to march seven times. On the seventh time, they were to blow their horns and shout at the top of their lungs.

Once they crossed over the Jordan River, Joshua sent the two spies into the city of Jericho. Jericho was a city surrounded by thick walls. There were two walls. The first was at least thirteen feet thick, and the second was seven feet thick. These walls were almost impenetrable because they were so thick.

Once inside Jericho, the spies encountered a young woman named Rahab. She is identified as a harlot or a prostitute in the story of Joshua. She befriended them and hid them in the stalks of wheat harvested on her roof. This was a big risk for her because her countrymen could have sentenced her to death for the act of treason. Since she did not know Josh, would he keep his word? As we study this, we see that she trusted God more than she feared those living in Jericho and more than her trust or non-trust for Joshua’s men. Rahab risked everything to save Joshua’s men and protect them from the onslaught by Jericho.

This is a story of grace and mercy. Rahab was an outsider. She was a Gentile. She did not have the credentials to serve God. Or so she thought. In our day, many would not have received her either. She had too many things against her. After all, she was a prostitute. For the Israelites, she was not of the Jewish faith. She was not in the right profession, and she was in the right group, but God used her. Have you ever felt unworthy to serve God because of your origin or what you might have done?

What saved her? It is because she recognized the power of God and began to acknowledge God as her king. This changed her life, and she was willing to take the risk on both fronts. Listen to her story of faith in Joshua 2:8 Before the men lay down, she came up to them on the roof 9 and said to the men, “I know that the Lord has given you the land, and that the fear of you has fallen upon us, and that all the inhabitants of the land melt away before you. 10 For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you devoted to destruction. 11 And as soon as we heard it, our hearts melted, and there was no spirit left in any man because of you, for the Lord your God, he is God in the heavens above and on the earth beneath. She gave a testimony of the power of God to save. She recognized the power of God and gave Him praise.

As I read this story. I thought of the story of Mary Magdelene, who was about to be stoned when Jesus approached the crowd. He saw the elders of the church with their hands raised to stone a woman who they said had been caught in adultery. Jesus saw the woman, approached the woman, and then knelt on the ground. As he did this, he began to scribble in the sand.

Some would argue, but I believe that he began to write out the names of her attackers and what they had done. He made this statement. He, without sin, cast the first stone. One by one, her accusers left her. Finally, there was no one there. Jesus asked her where your accusers were. They are not there. Jesus said neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.

The stories of Rahab and Mary Magdelene are important because Jesus came to save the world. So why would his lineage not involve the world? All men everywhere were accepted by Christ and welcomed into the kingdom of God. It did not matter. What mattered was that God received them where they were.

How do we know this about Rahab? First, Rahab is included in the genealogy of Christ. Secondly, she was mentioned in two different passages that represent her faith. Listen to these.

Hebrew 11:30:31 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days.By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

James 2:24-26  You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way? For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.

So let me ask you:

  1. Have you felt rejected because of your past?
  2. Have you been in a place where you believed you were not accepted because you were not in the right profession or the right group? Explain how that makes you feel.
  3. Where have you seen the grace and mercy of God in your life?
  4. Where can you reach out to someone who seems on the outside but needs God’s grace? Make a list and pray for God to allow you to speak life and hope to them.                                                                

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December 16, 2023 · 9:28 am

Tamar a Story of Hope

Robert W. Odom PH. D

I love that the writers of Scripture do not whitewash the stories detailed in the Bible. Throughout Scripture, we find a discussion of some challenging situations. These include abuse, rape, deception, broken promises, and more. The question is often asked why this is. I believe that God allows this so that we see the need for a Savior and what life looks like when we do not follow the principles God has established for us. The story of Tamar is one such story.

Historically and contextually, the law of that day required that if a man died before he had children, his brother would marry the widow, and their first-born child would take on the name of the deceased husband. This would allow that child to have his place in the lineage of the coming Messiah.

This was the one hope of the Jewish people. They longed to be in the family lineage that would give birth to the Messiah. This expectation was that Jewish people would wait with wonder for the birth of the Messiah. They would have great expectations at the birth of every male child. They would often greet one another with the words, “Have you heard any good news?” This meant Have you heard of His birth? They waited eagerly for the coming Messiah, the savior of the world and the redeemer of all humanity. That is why this story is both sad and amazing at the same time.

Let’s look at the story. Tamar married Er, Judah’s first-born son. The Bible tells us that he was such an evil man that he died. The Bible says that “he was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death.” We do not know how or when. We know that he was wicked, and he died.

Onan, who was the second brother in line. He married Tamar according to Jewish culture and religious law traditions. He was to have a child so that the lineage of the Messiah would be established. He married her but refused to conceive a child with her. He faked everyone and lied about what he did. (Because this is a G-rated article, I cannot describe what he did). This action and the refusal for him to obey the law cost him his life.

And this is where it gets to be a real lifetime network movie. Tamar was promised Judah’s youngest son. He never gave him to Tamar for fear that he, too, would die. He failed to recognize the real reason his sons had died. They were evil. It does not say it in scripture, but I imagine he blamed Tamar, not his sons, for their deaths.

To get even, Tamar dressed up as a prostitute. Judah saw her, and he took her. Because of this interaction, she conceived a child (we later find out they are twins). She was brilliant because she requested a goat for her payment. Since Judah did not have one available, she asked for a security deposit. She asked for his signet, the cord, and the staff/rod. He gave them to her.

After they made love, he sent men to give her a goat to honor their agreement. But she could not be found. Three months later, Judah received word that Tamar was pregnant. What does he do? He calls for her to be burned, which was the penalty for having a child out of wedlock and breaking the law of the time. Do not forget that women were not honored that day.

Being the intelligent woman she was, she produced the evidence she had been holding. She asked him to identify them because the man to whom they belonged was the man who was the father of her child. Things changed quickly, and he realized he had wronged her and had been caught. He could not have her put to death because it would have jeopardized his own life and standing in the community. He also recognized that he had betrothed his youngest son to her but never allowed this to happen. He had forced her hand. She knew how important it was for her to keep her husband’s namesake alive, even though he had been evil. Tamar, an outsider, was more focused on the Jewish law of Messiah than Judah was.

In the end, she gave birth to twins Perez and Zerah. Here is the fantastic part of this story. Perez became the father of Boaz, who became the father of Jesse, who became the Father of David, who we now know was in direct line through which Messiah would be born.

Wow, what a story. And this is the G version. This story is complicated, messy, and filled with trickery. However, God used a terrible situation to bring about His will and purposes in the life of humanity. Ultimately, God cares about the widow, the hurting, and the forsaken. Remember, Christ came to minister grace and mercy in significant ways.

As we have noted before, our past does not dictate our future. While our past may form who we are, it does not have to define us. God does not use our past against us. He redeems our past so that we can live whole and complete lives in the present. God chose a broken and rejected woman to be included in the genealogy of Christ.

God takes the messy and broken pieces of our lives and restores them. Broken promises are a part of life, but God turns these hurts and wounds into opportunities for healing. We become more sympathetic and empathetic to those who hurt around us. We are filled with more compassion to see others in a redemptive light rather than one that judges and condemns.

Listen to the mission of Christ in His own words. “The Spirit of the Lord is on me because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

God set Tamar free, and He can do that for you today. Trust Him. Turn to Him. Ask Him to help you. You might be surprised at the outcome.

So let me ask you:

  1. What lessons do we learn from this story?
  2. Have you experienced the grace of God like Tamar did? She deserved death, but she received life and ended up in the lineage of Christ.
  3. Where have you experienced broken promises and deceit? How did that impact you?
  4. How do you see the grace and mercy of God at work in this story?

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D. 2023

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December 10, 2023 · 10:03 am

Redemptive Grace of God

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I have been amazed over the last few years at the interest of people who want to know their heritage. Companies like 23 & Me and Ancestry.com are booming in sales. People want to know where they came from and who their ancestors are. Some of the tests available now can tell us how we were designed according to our DNA and if we are susceptible to certain diseases.

While the Bible did not have 23 & Me, Ancestry.com, or DNA testing, one’s heritage was important. There was often a discussion about their fathers and which of the tribes of Israel to which they belonged. This was critical for them, as the Jewish people longed for and anticipated the coming Messiah. So, they valued their genealogy.  The prophecies of the Messiah’s coming caused them to keep close tabs on their heritage. They hoped they would be the chosen family to be included in the Messiah’s lineage.

As we enter this Christmas season, one of the overlooked parts of the Christmas story is the genealogy of Christ in Matthew chapter 1. What sets this apart is that Matthew includes five women in his genealogical account. These women include Tamara, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. In our current culture, this does not seem unusual, but in the culture of that day, it was uncommon for women to be included in genealogical history.

Matthew took this step because he had been accepted into Jesus’ core group of leaders, His disciples. He had been a tax collector. Tax collectors were not loved in that culture. Tax collectors worked for the Roman government. They were most likely Jewish, as the Roman government wanted to use them to exact taxes from the Jewish people. The Jewish community had a disdain for the Roman government, and they did not have a love for the tax collectors hired by the Roman Government. He knew what it meant to be unloved and disconnected. Being accepted by Christ established empathy and compassion in him. For this reason, I believe Matthew included these women in the text.

Matthew had a story, and each of these women had a story. It was a story to tell and one we needed to hear. The overarching lesson is that we have hope for a better future no matter who we are, where we come from, or what we have done.  Our past or the things we have done do not disqualify us. God has a plan and will help us achieve that plan sometimes in the most remarkable ways. God does not use our family life or our heritage against us.

In these stories, here are some things we need to know. First, it was rare for the names of women to be used in the genealogy of that day. In those days, men held all the power and prestige. The man was king, and the woman had little input in life. She was a servant and served the man. Matthew was writing to the common man and wanted them to see the truth of the lives related to the story of Jesus’ birth. He was not about whitewashing the story. Matthew recognizes the value of women and that they are a critical part of God’s story.

Second, Matthew starts with the story of Jesus’ birth. He includes these women to emphasize that God chooses whom He will be a part of His story. Some have suggested that Matthew included these women to soften the blow of the fact that Mary was a virgin and had not had a sexual relationship with anyone at that time. Mary’s circumstances were difficult and scandalous at that time. He was reminding them that others had been used to bring about the birth of the Messiah.

The culture of the day was not favorable to women. Mary’s family and the Jewish community could have ostracized her.  It would have been hard for her to find a husband. In those days, the Jews treated the betrothal (engagement) the same as being married. Once she was divorced, which was the only way to get out of the engagement, she could not marry because they considered this adultery, and this was to be avoided at all costs.

Third, Matthew uses these stories to show that anyone can be used in God’s kingdom regardless of their background or what they have done. He also revealed that anything is possible with God. God took broken lives and messed up circumstances to show His love and grace. He does this to show that the power of redemption works for everyone. No one is left out, and no one is skipped over regarding God’s redemptive grace. These women served as an example of how God uses anyone at any time. God was redeeming them, and they challenged the status quo.

Think about your life. Your past does not disqualify you. Your family history does not disqualify you. Christ’s birth was central to the story of redemption. He used those who could not receive grace from the society in which they lived. But God gives grace, and He still does this today. He takes the pain of our past, rejection, wounds, and hurts and gives us amazing grace.

The next few posts will look at these stories to understand God’s grace in these lives. We will look at their grief and the trauma they experienced. The goal is to offer a message of hope and encourage all of us to continue to push through our pain and hurt.

So let me ask you:

  1. In your life, where have you been wounded by culture or family issues? Where have you felt like you were on the outside looking in?
  2. Where have you witnessed God’s redemptive grace in your life?
  3. How has God’s grace used your past to make you more effective today?
  4. Where do you need the grace of God today to overcome hurt and wounds created by others? Or your actions?
  5. Sometimes, we have to look for the grace of God because the pain is so deep and hard. Spend some time in prayer and meditation to see where God is working.

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

Rev-odom.com

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December 5, 2023 · 8:05 am

Rewriting Your Story

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

As I continue to study grief and trauma, I am amazed at how we have been created. David states that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14). The brain that God created is an amazing work of creative genius, but that is God. It is literally more powerful than any computer.

While we have been created with an amazing brain, the brain can be impacted when it is confronted with grief or trauma. For many people, they can adjust, and the impact is minimal. However, the effect is more severe for others, and it is hard for them to recover after severe traumatic events.

After experiencing trauma, certain parts of the brain begin to shut down. The deactivation of certain brain parts causes other brain areas to be impacted. For example, when trauma is experienced, the left hemisphere is deactivated. This affects our ability to logically make sense of what is happening and then be able to put these experiences into words.   

It is as if the brain cannot get past the pain experienced. When this happens, the brain becomes stuck on specific events that arouse negative emotions. These events are remembered in fragments and not the entire experience. Even when progress is made, some stimuli return one’s brain to that place of pain. It could be a smell, a sound, a place, or other stimuli. It is as if the brain is codified to respond to certain stimuli because of one’s past experiences.

Studies show there is scientific data that supports this. When those who have PTSD were tested, the brain scan showed exciting results. Specific brain areas would light up on the monitor when certain words were spoken, or specific pictures were established. The brain responded to the stimuli as if they were experiencing trauma for the first time. Specific brain areas lit up when these stimuli were present, even when the patient was not excited. It occurred simply using a word or a suggestion.[1]  

As we enter this Christmas season, while this is a time of celebration for most people, those suffering from the effects of trauma can have a different response. The mind can respond to Christmas in negative ways unconsciously. I used to get depressed at Christmas. Each year, there was a fog that would overwhelm me. I loved the season but could not help but feel depressed and disconnected.

After some time, I met with a counselor, and we discussed this issue. As I began sharing my life story with him, I realized Christmas was not a good childhood memory. My stepdad at Christmas would most often be drunk and would abuse my mom, myself, and my brothers. Physically and emotionally, he would attack us, so much so that the joy of Christmas was lost in the pain we experienced. This impacted me in such negative ways.

I remember one Christmas, he threw our gifts around the living room and screamed that we did not appreciate what he had purchased with his hard-earned money. The truth is it was my mom that had worked hard to buy us the gifts. His money was consumed with alcohol and gambling. When my mom would defend us, he would punch and hit my mom. Although she tried to hide it, blood would be evident on her face. This made me feel so sad that Christmas was not a happy time.

Working with the counselor, I was able to identify this as one of the root causes of my grief and depression. Once I recognized the core driver of my depression, it helped me to identify and name it so that it was not an abstract problem. In years to come, I could rewrite the story of Christmas in my mind and begin to write a story of grace and truth. After a few years of doing this, I could navigate Christmas without being depressed and angry.

There are many ways to respond to negative stimuli. We must be able to identify and name the emotions we are experiencing. Is it fear? Is it anger at what was done to us? Is it a state of depression? Or are there other issues at play?

One of the ways to deal with this is that we need to rewrite our story. Write a different ending to our story. Instead of fear and anxiety, write a story of grace and love. Write a story that ends with the grace of God. The goal is to get unstuck.

By naming the emotions we are experiencing, we can begin to look at the triggers that cause us to respond the way we do. By recognizing that I was depressed because of the way my stepdad acted at Christmas, I was able to transform my mind and focus on the positive aspects of Christmas. I can remember the first Christmas that I made it through the season without any significant depression.

Finally, prayer was a critical part of the healing process. While it was essential to rewrite my story, name the emotions that I was experiencing, and recognize the triggers that caused me to respond negatively, prayer is also critical. Prayer has a healing component. Prayer focuses on the power of God to transform our minds and reposition us to lean into healthy responses.

I will close with what one writer wrote recently: Rewriting your stuck story when dealing with trauma is a challenging but essential process. By understanding the power of our story, recognizing our triggers, reframing our perspective, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and taking action, we can break free from the negative cycle and create a new, positive narrative for ourselves. (Author Unknown).

So let me ask you:

  1. Do you experience negative emotions today from past experiences? Be specific.
  • To the degree that you can, name the emotions you are experiencing. This may not be easy but start with the ones you know.
  • How would you rewrite your story? For example, in my case what would a Christmas look like without being depressed?
  • Can you set aside time to pray and meditate? You may need to purposely plan some time to do so.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

[1] Von Der Kolk, Bessel, The Body Keeps the Score, Penguin Random House, 2014, pp 37-41.

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November 17, 2023 · 3:19 pm

What do I Fear?

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

As a child (I was eight years old), one of my chores was to take the garbage can to the curb. Of course, this always happened after dark. As I think about it now, I laugh. I would creep down the driveway as slowly as I could. I would look all around to ensure nothing was about to jump out at me. Every noise would cause me to stop, and I could feel my heart racing because I was afraid that something would jump out at me. I would run back to the house as fast as I could when I got the can to the end of the driveway. My mom, who thought she was funny, would lock the door so I could not get in. I guess that is what I can blame all my issues on (LOL). That was a moment filled with fear for me.

Fear is a natural response to the unknown. We do not know what will happen to us. We do not know what the future will hold. We do not know how we will get out of our mess. We fear what we do not know. At times, our fears are based on previous issues that have not gone well. We have had failed relationships, so we struggle with building significant relationships because we fear they will not work out. We fear doing anything because we might fail.

Fear is also based on what we cannot control. For example, we cannot control what people will say or do. We cannot control what will happen in the future or even the next few moments. And yet, we spend unnecessary time worrying. It is noteworthy, however, that much of what we fear never happens. Some studies say that 94% of what we worry about today will not occur. Therefore, we spend too much time worrying about things that will never impact us.  

When we face grief or traumatic events, we can be filled with fear. Questions and doubts about the future can swirl around us. We can fear how we will survive life without our loved ones. We can have financial fears that haunt us day and night. We can fear future relationships as we do not feel that anyone can replace the one we lost. We fear that we will feel empty for the rest of our lives.

All of these are normal emotions that come with grief. When we encounter grief or experience a traumatic event, we can feel that our life is over and there is no hope. But let me share a few ideas that might help us.

First, be real with your fears. Admit them and talk about them with someone who will listen without judgment. This allows us to confront the fear and not push it away. Acknowledging the fear and putting a name to it helps begin the healing process. This may go something like this. I have a fear of, and then fill in the blank. Journaling can help with this process. It might be writing a letter to yourself where you describe your fears. There are many ways to address the fears. Find one that works for you.

Second, once you admit and name the fear, you can evaluate its weight. Here is what I mean. How real is the fear, and what are the possibilities that what you fear will happen? There are real fears and real concerns that can haunt us. In these cases, we must find counsel to minimize these fears. If it is a financial fear, contact a financial advisor for help. Contact a lawyer who can advise you if it is a legal issue. If it is spiritual, contact a pastor or Christian counselor to discuss this fear. I think you get the point: talk with someone. But make sure the person you speak with can help you. I guess your friends will give you their ideas about what to do. They can mean well, but they might not provide the proper counsel. This is the case even with great friends. Just read the story of Job in the Old Testament.  

Third, trust God that He has it under control. When dealing with fear, we can feel that God has forgotten us. But know that God is still present. I love Psalm 46. I know that I have shared this passage many times, but it speaks life to so many who are dealing with grief and pain. David pens these words to illustrate his life after his world was turned upside down. In Psalm 46, he describes the mountains falling into the seas. He talks about the rivers roaring. That is what grief, trauma, and fear can feel like. Everything is falling apart, and your world will never be the same. While this is true, David reminds us that we do not have to fear these things because God is there to help us. He is a refuge and a place to find relief. At the end of the passage, David encourages us to “Be still and know that I am God.” The key is that God does not change. Even when it does not feel like it, He is there.

What a challenge for us! This is sometimes easier said than done. But David is communicating that no matter what happens to us or around us, God is still God. He does not change, and He is always there for us. We can have confidence in that statement of faith.

This is not an easy subject, and my time for this post is not enough to deal with everything associated with fear, but I hope these steps will be a starting place. My best advice is to find someone you trust to discuss your feelings. Journal your thoughts. Begin the process of healing. It may take time, but it is worth the process, and you establish a new normal in life.

So let me ask you.

  1. What fears are you dealing with right now? Be as specific as possible.
  • What has caused you to have these fears?
  • Who can you talk to about what you are experiencing?
  • Think about your past and the unrealized fears you might have had. Describe these fears.
  • Where do you struggle with God being always present to help? Describe how this feels for you.
  • Celebrate the positives and steps you take toward healing. This is an excellent place to journal your fears and your successes against fear.

©Robert W. Odom 2023

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October 13, 2023 · 4:09 pm

Reading the Room

Have you ever been conversing with someone only to have the other person continue to talk without a break? They talk and move from one topic to another. Did this make you feel they were uninterested in what you said?

What about the person who makes bold statements without considering who is in the room? I remember one individual who commented inappropriately about people who lived in trailers. What he missed was that several of the people in the room lived in trailers. You could watch these individuals shut down and stop listening as he continued to speak. He lost them because of his insensitive comments.

On another occasion, one speaker spoke against abortion and was critical of those who had abortions. He was unkind in the comments. Once again, the speaker was unaware that several attending the meeting had an abortion and had to relive and navigate the emotions associated with those comments.

When communicating with others, we need to read the room. To read the room is to understand who is in the room and what the mood of the room is. This means we must pick up on the social cues being presented. We must have some awareness of who our audience is. This does not mean that we will never say anything that might offend others. The guarantee is that we will offend others at some point (or many times). Offense happens. However, the goal of communication is to reduce such occurrences when possible.

The room must be read before pushing a particular position. Reading the room means understanding who is in it and what they need. We need to read the room to take advantage of an opportunity to communicate effectively. This does not mean that we do not present our position, but reading the room means that we do not just push our position no matter what. When this is done, we come across as arrogant towards or ignorant of those around us. At times, it can also be an apathetic approach to communication. In essence, it appears we do not care. What is communicated too often is that you need to listen to me because I am right, and your opinion does not count.

I love James, who wrote one of the books of the New Testament. In his writing, He tried to balance faith and works. One way he did this is to challenge Christians to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. He was cognizant that being quick to listen and slow to speak reduced the potential for anger. How often do we get angry when we believe the other person is not hearing us?

When we read the room and know our audience, we can have healthy communication. To begin with, if we want successful communication, we must control how much we talk. So, we need to be aware of how much we talk. The question to ask is, do we want to push our agenda, or do we want to understand the person we are talking with? To do this, sometimes we need to be quiet and listen.

To have healthy communication, we should ask clarifying questions. This will help us get to know the other person, opening the door for deeper conversation. Asking questions will also help us in group settings. Asking questions will allow us to position ourselves to answer the questions people ask while communicating positively.

So, let me ask you?

  1. How well do you read the room? Be specific.
  2. Consider your communication. Do you allow others to talk, or do you control the conversation? If so, why do you think you do this?
  3. How can you adjust your listening skills by asking clarifying questions? How will this help you communicate more effectively?
  4. When you read James 1:19-20, what is your response? Does this passage describe your life? What needs to change to align your life with this passage?
  5. To communicate better, stop and listen. Ask questions to understand the other person much better. Think about this. Journal what that will look like for you.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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October 6, 2023 · 10:56 am

Do you face your emotions, run away, or try to hide?

A few weeks ago, we were sightseeing in Richmond when the battery light on our car came on. Fortunately, we could keep the vehicle running and made it home. As we entered the parking area at our apartment complex, the car died, and we rolled into our usual parking spot. That was a miracle, as we could have stalled out anywhere along the way.

As I considered this, one thing was for sure. We had a problem, and it was there before the car died. How did I know there was a problem? The light on the dashboard had come on, and now the car would not start. The light on the car told us that there was a problem. We knew it was the charging system but needed to know the problem precisely. To figure this out, we needed to diagnose the problem and get it fixed. In this case, the alternator had stopped working and needed to be replaced.

I have chuckled at how people try to resolve issues with warning lights. Rather than fix the problem, they try to fix the light. One person took duct tape and covered up a warning light that kept coming on. Another person removed the bulb (which was probably more complicated than the problem itself). And yet another just ignored the light and justified that it was not a problem. These three scenarios ended in costly repairs because they did not heed the warnings.

As humans, we have been created with a warning light system that lets us know when there is a problem. These lights are our emotions. Our emotions are generally not the problem. They point to things that are happening within us and around us. As with the car, we do not always realize the real problem, but heeding the warning light leads us to discover the problem. Once again, the warning light is not the problem. It only warns us of a problem.

The lights for our emotional dashboard are critical. We can respond to the warning, ignore it, or push it away. For example, we may be grieving a loss. A warning light shines because we are sad and feel the loss. When we recognize this, we can respond in diverse ways. We can try to cover up and hide the emotions we are feeling. We can ignore them, or we can respond positively.

The one difference between the warning lights in our cars and our emotions is that when the warning lights of emotions are realized, it does not mean that we are broken or unhealthy. It means we are experiencing life and its emotional space. The difference is how we respond to the lights.

I have a friend who is generally very balanced in how he responds to problems. He is a paramedic and, on one occasion, had a series of nasty calls on one of his shifts. Because of his usual way of dealing with issues, he tried to hide his emotions and continue to work as expected. He tried to be stoic and ignore the emotions he was experiencing. However, a few days later, he was short-fused, angry, and more impatient than ever. This was outside his character and the usual way he responded to issues.

After having an in-depth conversation with him, we concluded that rather than dealing with the issues earlier, he tried to ignore and hide from them. After all, he had been taught that men do not have emotions, primarily expressed through crying. Towards the end of the conversation, he was permitted to express his emotions and began crying. He was able to release the pain and sadness he was experiencing. I spoke to him the following week, and he said he was living in a healthier space.

The lesson is that we need to face our emotions head-on. We cannot hide them or pretend they do not exist. Doing so impacts our physical, mental, and spiritual bodies. We experience anger, self-pity, resentment, and other such responses. However, the more we face our pain and emotions, the healthier we become.

Do yourself a favor and confront your emotions. Rather than hide them, present them in the open. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel like exhibiting your anger in healthy ways, get angry. I think you get the picture.

So let me ask you:

  1. What emotions do you experience that never seem to go away?
  2. Are these emotions trying to tell you something about yourself? If so, what?
  3. Where are you trying to ignore or hide your emotions? How does that make you feel? And what steps do you need to take to bring change?
  4. What emotion do you need to pull out of hiding and deal with it?

© Robert Odom RVA, LLC.

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August 17, 2023 · 3:21 pm

When Grief Will Not Go Away

Grief occurs when we lose what we love. Most often, we consider grief as the loss of a loved one, but grief can include the loss of a job, a divorce, or a relationship divide. Regardless of the cause, we must navigate grief to move to a new normal way of living. There are occasions, however, when finding a new normal is not so easy.

While there is no timetable for grief, there are signs that one is experiencing complicated grief. Complicated grief is realized when the person navigating grief cannot get past the loss, regardless of what they do. One might be experiencing complicated grief if they continue to have ruminations about the person after one year or more. They might be experiencing complicated grief if they have excessive depressive moments and cannot shake the sadness. They have isolated themselves and have broken connections with those they love. People with complicated grief may be abusing alcohol or drugs.

In Charles Dickens’s novel Great Expectations, one of his characters, Miss Havisham, was humiliated and heartbroken when her fiancé sent a letter to cancel their wedding on the day they were to be married. She began to grieve. As a result, she suffered a mental breakdown and remained alone in her decaying mansion. She never removed her wedding dress and only wore one shoe for the rest of her life. She left the wedding breakfast and cake uneaten on the table. She only allowed a few people to see her. She also had the clocks in her mansion stop at twenty minutes to nine. This was the exact time she had received Compeyson’s letter. Even though Dickens wrote this fictional story, it illustrates what grief can do to a person if they are unwilling to navigate the pain and crisis of grief. This is undoubtedly an illustration of complicated grief.

While this is an extreme story or illustration of complicated grief, it highlights the problem. When we experience grief, we do not always know how we will personally respond to the loss of someone we love. We can be surprised by the response we have to loss and grief. We can experience grief on many occasions, but then we are blindsided by loss in ways we did not expect. It is the mystery of how we will respond to grief.

While we might experience complicated grief, there are steps we can take. First, be honest with your emotions and what you are feeling. This can be difficult as we do not always understand our feelings. But to the degree possible, we must be open to our emotions and face them. Only then can we begin to seek help to move forward. Being honest with your emotions might be to state that you are struggling.

One tool to help is to journal. Journaling allows you to express your emotions without fear of judgment or criticism. Through journaling, you can write down what you are feeling, whatever those feelings might be. Do not worry about how the words sound or even if they make sense. Put on paper what you are feeling. This may be challenging, but it is helpful.

Second, seek help. This can be a professional counselor or a spiritual advisor. These trained counselors can help you sort through the emotions you are experiencing. They can help identify steps to be taken to alleviate the feelings of complicated grief.

Third, on some occasions, you may need to speak with medical doctors to secure help with prescriptions. They can prescribe medication to mitigate or reduce depressive feelings. This should be a short-term fix in most cases.

Fourth, take the next steps. Sometimes when experiencing grief, it is hard to move forward. So sometimes the best thing to do is take small steps. Take a shower. Go downstairs. Taking the next steps may not seem like much, but these are giant steps for the one experiencing grief. One small step can lead to more significant steps. In time you can navigate grief and arrive at a new normal.

So let me ask you.

  1. Are you showing signs of complicated grief? If so, what steps are you taking to resolve your issues?
  2. If you are frozen with grief, what next steps can you take? Be specific.
  3. Who do you need to connect with? Do you need a spiritual advisor, counselor, or medical doctor? If so, what do you want to communicate with them?
  4. Have you tried journaling? If not, give it a try.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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August 15, 2023 · 10:45 am

Family Dynamics

I love family gatherings. I enjoy the laughter and stories that come from sitting around the table. At these gatherings, people begin to reminisce. Around the table, life is shared. That is always a blessing.

While family gatherings are great, sometimes, these gatherings are not always a positive experience for everyone. Every family has one person or two who creates a less-than-positive environment. This could be the person who is always negative and sees the worst in everything. These people suck the life out of the joy expressed around the table.

Then there is the one who hogs the discussion. They seem to talk endlessly and never allow others to speak. If you try to engage, they seem offended that they were cut off. They will pick up where they left off, even 30 minutes later. When they talk, they often talk about things that have little relevance to the group. Or they discuss controversial issues. Often, these people fail to read the room and understand who they are talking to. They assume everyone is on the same page. Therefore they talk about issues that cause others to feel attacked or marginalized.

Then there are the ones who will corner one of the family members because they believe something needs correcting. They take it upon themselves to talk down to and criticize the other person. They do so in a way that intimidates and ostracizes rather than includes and builds up. Name the issue that comes across as the sage. This could be medical solutions, lifestyle changes, relational discussions, or habits. This family member feels it is their God-given responsibility to correct others’ bad choices.  

For example, one family member may find in their heart to confront another person about their significant other or lifestyle choices. They will condemn what they disagree with rather than have a dialogue. Their goal is to tell you what they think without an opportunity to respond to their comments. Too often, they will fill the conversation with scriptures to support their opinions, even if the scriptures need more context.

Now before anyone sends me a nasty email rebutting what I am saying, there are some things that sometimes need to be addressed. I am not denying that. I refer to the self-appointed purveyors of truth who do not always have relational grounds to discuss someone’s lifestyle. I am referring to that person who feels they are the chosen one to bring change without dialogue or understanding of the situation.  They do not have the relationship to address the problem effectively. Of course, the question must be asked whether or not they need to address the person’s lifestyle altogether.

For the one confronting, I ask why you feel the need to confront in the first place. By what authority do you confront? What relationship do you have with the person that permits you to discuss another’s lifestyle? I find that there is positional authority, and then there is earned authority. I would rather speak from a position of earned authority than positional authority. Talking from positional authority can make me demanding, condemning, and arrogant. When I have earned authority, I can speak with and not to the other person. With earned authority, I listen to the other person to gain their perspective. With earned authority, I can hear their heart and what they are truly saying.

In Scripture, there are several references to confronting people. Let me share one of them with you. The first is James 1:19. James says that we should be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. This is a helpful process. We should be listening more than we speak. Listening invites us into the process; if we talk, we can speak more clearly. By listening, we can communicate with the goal of dialogue and not win an argument.

For the one being confronted, be kind. Change the subject. Walk away. To the best of your ability, try not to take what the other person says personally. This is difficult because what they say can cut us to the core of our being. Remember how one confronts speaks more to who they are than you are. We cannot be responsible for their actions but can control how we respond. Finally, forgive them because, in most cases, they are unaware of what they are saying or at least the damage being done.

Family can be fun, but they can also cause much pain. I have experienced the family members we have discussed above. Their words can be painful, but my attitude is better as I put the conversation in perspective. Doing so allows me to walk away with minimum impact.

So let me ask you.

  1. Think about the people in your life who have hurt you by their words. How have these words impacted you?
  2. In the conversation, what would you have done differently?
  3. How can you learn the gift of listening rather than speaking? What do you need to change in you to be a better listener?  
  4. Where do you need to forgive others for their words?
  5. If someone has hurt you, get counsel, and pray for guidance. This process is not easy, but it is necessary.

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D. 2023

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August 11, 2023 · 8:23 am

End-of-Life Planning

I just finished a lecture series at the University of Richmond for the Osher Professional Development Department. The series was on navigating grief. At the end of the series, one of the questions and subsequent discussion was what documents should be in place to help in end-of-life planning.  I will share some of these with you in this blog.

Getting this documentation in order will not alleviate grief but will help to minimize the emotional stress related to making decisions for your loved one. There is no greater stress than making decisions when we do not understand what our loved one wants. This can be complicated when multiple people are involved in making the decisions. These documents will also address what care should be provided at the end of life.

Please note that I am not an attorney or accountant, and I suggest you contact either of these for details and guidance. This is critical because laws differ from state to state. Also, because this blog is read internationally, the laws will vary from country to country. Therefore, seeking professional guidance is essential. I suggest that you discuss the medical forms with your primary care physician.

The first document is a Medical Directive form. This form is also known as Do Not Resuscitate (DNR). In many cases, this form will outline the care you wish to have if a viable life is no longer possible. This includes resuscitation, feeding tubes, breathing assistance, and unnecessary surgeries. This form will assist the family or significant others in understanding what the individual wants. I suggest you discuss this form with your family, primary care physician, and attorney.

The second document is the Medical Power of Attorney. This form appoints someone in case the individual can no longer make medical decisions. It should also be considered that a secondary name be submitted if the first cannot perform the duties.

The third document is the Power of Attorney. This person is assigned to make financial decisions for individuals who can no longer make these decisions. This appointment is good until the person passes. After this, the executor will step in.

The fourth document is a Will. This document will detail the individual’s wishes regarding their possessions and inheritance. The document will also establish an executor to settle the individual’s estate. I have suggested that a list be attached to the will regarding who should receive specific items.

Finally, a Living Trust should be considered. A living trust places all the assets into a trust that will protect the assets upon the passing of one’s loved one. This will, in most cases, avoid Probate Court. It is noted that this should be established at least five years before the passing of the loved one. In so doing, this will minimize the tax implications.  

When these documents are completed, it is necessary to supply copies to those handling these end-of-life events. For example, with the medical directive, the one tasked with being the Medical Power of Attorney should have a copy and one’s primary care physician. In some cases, as in Virginia, a medical directive central processing center allows you to submit the documentation.

It has also been suggested that an End-of-Life file or notebook be set up. This would include a copy of the above documents plus the following. It should consist of a copy of life insurance policies and a list of debts with account numbers. It has also been suggested that a list of passwords be available. Also, include any information that would be needed to satisfy the financial wishes you may have.

While this may be a difficult process, it is a necessary one.  I encourage you to consider these things. Consult with your lawyer, primary care physician, and family.

So let me ask you.

  1. Have you completed the above documents? If so, which do you need?
  2. Are there areas where this may be a struggle? Write down what you are feeling and the emotions that are being revealed.
  3. Make a list of who should receive this information. Make some time to speak with each person.
  4. Finally, as noted, find professional help to guide you in developing these documents.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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