May 25, 2024 · 3:29 pm

The Trap of Seeking Approval

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

April 20, 2024

Over the last several years, I have begun a journey to become more self-aware of God’s purpose for me as an individual. In so doing, I am learning what makes me do what I do and more about who I am. One thing I have learned is that I am a people-pleaser. It is hard to admit that, but it is true.

Now, let me explain why I believe this is true for me. When I was a child, I had a stepdad who was abusive emotionally, physically, and mentally. That impacted me deeply. I did not feel loved. It was the opposite. Rather than love, I felt anger. I believed it was my fault for my dad’s actions. He made no bones about not liking me. Therefore, I began to feel unwanted and unloved. This started my pursuit of getting approval from people because I wanted to be loved and accepted.

When I was twelve, I moved to my dad’s house. While things there were much better, my dad was not emotionally connected, and he was not able to communicate his love for us definitively. Other issues during my teenage years solidified my feeling of not being worthy. This was not good. As a result of this, I developed a false sense of what my worth and value looked like. The need for approval was heightened and grew stronger.

I was in my mid-fifties before I heard my dad say he loved and was proud of me. At least, that was the first time I remember. I overheard him on the phone with his pastor. He was telling his pastor how proud he was of me and what success he saw in me. I was overwhelmed by my dad’s complimentary words. Even though he was talking to his pastor and not to me directly, I believed I had received some of the admiration and approval I needed. Until then, I had been striving to get my dad’s approval. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and to think I was successful.

Because I did not receive those words in my early years, I began to seek approval from others. I would work hard. I was obedient and toed the line of what others thought of me. While I did desire to work hard and feel the joy of completing a task, I also worked hard so that whoever my boss or the key person in my life was, I would hear them say they were pleased with me. I was seeking approval. I wanted to please others and get their approval. When I did not get that, I would work harder and harder to get approval.

One of the problems was that I was drawn to people who praised me and gave their approval. Unfortunately, they often did this solely to motivate me to do what they wanted. Ultimately, they were less connected to me than I thought. Over and over, I would be disappointed because I would be let down when I needed to receive the approval I needed. When that did not work, too often, I would leave or disconnect from those I sought approval from. As a result, I made bad decisions based on needing approval rather than truth. Or I would be angry that I did not get the approval I had longed for.

A second issue was that, as a result, I desired so much to please others that I became overly concerned about what people thought of me. The problem is that people continued to disappoint me and would never say the right thing or give me the approval I needed or desired. I was in an endless cycle of disappointment because I would not get the approval and praise I sought. And when someone else was honored or praised, I would get offended and angry at the person getting rewarded.

Another problem was that since I was trying to get the approval and praise of others, I would often give in to what others wanted. This happened so much that I no longer knew what I wanted. I started to lose myself and my desires. I began to need clarification about my needs, goals, and aspirations.

When I realized this was what I was doing and began to work through this issue, I found that I was being healed. I found that I did not have to please people anymore. There was a release for me. It was fulfilling to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed and not simply to please everyone else. I could now decide based on what was right and what was founded in truth rather than trying to please others.

I have added an essential word to my vocabulary: no. How free it is to say no to the things I do not want to do without guilt or fear of not getting approval. Responding this way is refreshing, and it is a realization that the world continues to circle the sun. Things did not fall apart, and people still liked me.

In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 15), we find Saul failed big time because he tried to please others. Instead of doing what God wanted, he took things into his own hands. He blamed the people and tried to please them more than pleasing God. How sad a commentary on one who could have been a great king. This was the commentary of my life until I started my journey of self-awareness.

On a side note, this does not mean that we do not consider others better than ourselves or that we do not put others first. We do these things, but not at the expense of knowing who we are and being more self-aware.

Regarding my journey, I am not fully healed in this area. I continue to struggle from time to time, but I am getting better. I am processing this lesson for myself, realizing that I need to be more aware of my motivation for doing what I do.

If this resonates with you, I challenge you to take stock of your life. Why do you do what you do? Do you find it hard to say no because you are seeking approval? Are you afraid that people will not like you if you say no?

So let me ask you:

  • How are you doing in this area of your life?
  • How often are you doing things to get another’s approval and praise? How is that working for you?
  • How often do you feel used by others? This can happen when we want others’ approval. It is hard to say no because we fear they will not approve of or like us.
  • Think about when you stood your ground and said no to someone without feeling pressured to get their approval. How did that feel?

© Robert W. Odom, 2024

The Trap of Seeking Approval

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

April 20, 2024

Over the last several years, I have begun a journey to become more self-aware of God’s purpose for me as an individual. In so doing, I am learning what makes me do what I do and more about who I am. One thing I have learned is that I am a people-pleaser. It is hard to admit that, but it is true.

Now, let me explain why I believe this is true for me. When I was a child, I had a stepdad who was abusive emotionally, physically, and mentally. That impacted me deeply. I did not feel loved. It was the opposite. Rather than love, I felt anger. I believed it was my fault for my dad’s actions. He made no bones about not liking me. Therefore, I began to feel unwanted and unloved. This started my pursuit of getting approval from people because I wanted to be loved and accepted.

When I was twelve, I moved to my dad’s house. While things there were much better, my dad was not emotionally connected, and he was not able to communicate his love for us definitively. Other issues during my teenage years solidified my feeling of not being worthy. This was not good. As a result of this, I developed a false sense of what my worth and value looked like. The need for approval was heightened and grew stronger.

I was in my mid-fifties before I heard my dad say he loved and was proud of me. At least, that was the first time I remember. I overheard him on the phone with his pastor. He was telling his pastor how proud he was of me and what success he saw in me. I was overwhelmed by my dad’s complimentary words. Even though he was talking to his pastor and not to me directly, I believed I had received some of the admiration and approval I needed. Until then, I had been striving to get my dad’s approval. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and to think I was successful.

Because I did not receive those words in my early years, I began to seek approval from others. I would work hard. I was obedient and toed the line of what others thought of me. While I did desire to work hard and feel the joy of completing a task, I also worked hard so that whoever my boss or the key person in my life was, I would hear them say they were pleased with me. I was seeking approval. I wanted to please others and get their approval. When I did not get that, I would work harder and harder to get approval.

One of the problems was that I was drawn to people who praised me and gave their approval. Unfortunately, they often did this solely to motivate me to do what they wanted. Ultimately, they were less connected to me than I thought. Over and over, I would be disappointed because I would be let down when I needed to receive the approval I needed. When that did not work, too often, I would leave or disconnect from those I sought approval from. As a result, I made bad decisions based on needing approval rather than truth. Or I would be angry that I did not get the approval I had longed for.

A second issue was that, as a result, I desired so much to please others that I became overly concerned about what people thought of me. The problem is that people continued to disappoint me and would never say the right thing or give me the approval I needed or desired. I was in an endless cycle of disappointment because I would not get the approval and praise I sought. And when someone else was honored or praised, I would get offended and angry at the person getting rewarded.

Another problem was that since I was trying to get the approval and praise of others, I would often give in to what others wanted. This happened so much that I no longer knew what I wanted. I started to lose myself and my desires. I began to need clarification about my needs, goals, and aspirations.

When I realized this was what I was doing and began to work through this issue, I found that I was being healed. I found that I did not have to please people anymore. There was a release for me. It was fulfilling to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed and not simply to please everyone else. I could now decide based on what was right and what was founded in truth rather than trying to please others.

I have added an essential word to my vocabulary: no. How free it is to say no to the things I do not want to do without guilt or fear of not getting approval. Responding this way is refreshing, and it is a realization that the world continues to circle the sun. Things did not fall apart, and people still liked me.

In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 15), we find Saul failed big time because he tried to please others. Instead of doing what God wanted, he took things into his own hands. He blamed the people and tried to please them more than pleasing God. How sad a commentary on one who could have been a great king. This was the commentary of my life until I started my journey of self-awareness.

On a side note, this does not mean that we do not consider others better than ourselves or that we do not put others first. We do these things, but not at the expense of knowing who we are and being more self-aware.

Regarding my journey, I am not fully healed in this area. I continue to struggle from time to time, but I am getting better. I am processing this lesson for myself, realizing that I need to be more aware of my motivation for doing what I do.

If this resonates with you, I challenge you to take stock of your life. Why do you do what you do? Do you find it hard to say no because you are seeking approval? Are you afraid that people will not like you if you say no?

So let me ask you:

  1. How are you doing in this area of your life?
  • How often are you doing things to get another’s approval and praise? How is that working for you?
  • How often do you feel used by others? This can happen when we want others’ approval. It is hard to say no because we fear they will not approve of or like us.
  • Think about when you stood your ground and said no to someone without feeling pressured to get their approval. How did that feel?

© Robert W. Odom, 2024

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May 18, 2024 · 2:42 pm

Expectations

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

May 18, 2024

Expectations

I’ve realized lately that many of us have unrealistic expectations. I know I have them. These expectations are often revealed as demands on others. When these expectations are unmet, we get frustrated and even angry with the other person. This creates a problem for each person.

Unhealthy expectations can cause us to be rigid. We do not want to change because we want to stay the same. In contrast, we want everyone else to live up to the expectations we cannot live up to. When we believe we should not make mistakes, we may never take risks because we fear failure. We are frozen in the fear that we may fail.

Sometimes, we have expectations as to what others should do or how they should act. When these expectations are not discussed, problems can arise. A case point might be a marriage relationship where expectations are unclear. For example, it could be the expectation of who handles the finances, who does the dishes, or who does the shopping.

These may seem simple and nonissues for many, but if one partner has an expectation that needs to be communicated, and it is not, problems can occur. They can become irritated or frustrated. They can lash out because of unmet expectations.

So, what do we do? Does this mean that we should not have any expectations? Not! We need to have expectations, but these expectations must be realistic and communicated where possible. In a relationship, it is helpful to agree on these expectations so that both people are on the same page. This would include friendships, business relationships, family, and marriage.

I can remember a time in my life when I would come home and find the driveway littered with toys and bikes. I would have to stop the car and remove these things before I could pull onto the driveway. When this happened, I would get angry and not be very happy. I would take my anger and unhappiness out on my kids and wife.

Since this was an ongoing situation, I began questioning why I responded as I did. After some consideration, I realized I had a false expectation of what the driveway should be like when I came home. I was expecting the driveway to be cleared of everything. Instead of being happy that my kids had toys and enjoyed playing outside, I complained and presented a negative attitude. I had an expectation that was born from a selfish motivation. The truth is I wanted to be safe. I did not want to waste my time cleaning the driveway.

In the following days, I began praying that my attitude would change. After some time, I realized I was no longer angry that the driveway was messy. I did not get angry anymore. I arrived home with a different attitude.

To deal with false expectations, we must first acknowledge that we have them. Some of these expectations come from how we see the world. We can believe that things will always be positive and good, and when they are not, we are negatively affected.  We can think that we will be treated fairly, but that will only sometimes happen. People will hurt you, and they will cause pain both intentionally and unintentionally.

Secondly, you might have unhealthy expectations if you get angry when certain things do not happen as you believe they should. If this is the case, we may need to ascertain why we get angry. What is driving the anger? Is there a real issue, or is it simply an unmet expectation?

Thirdly, rethink your expectations. This is especially true regarding our demands on others. We expect people to act and respond to us in a certain way. When they do not, we become angry and upset. If this is the case, we need to evaluate the expectations to ensure that we are not expecting what may never happen.

Fourth, talk to someone who knows you. Ask them if they believe you have unhealthy expectations or any blind spots. Amazingly, people see our blind spots in ourselves long before we see them. We may not like what they reveal, but trust your heart and trust them to speak the truth.

Finally, respond to the revelation of your unhealthy expectations. Take steps to change. Take action to modulate your expectations. This may take time but take some action to bring about the necessary change for a better-balanced life. Ultimately, you will be emotionally and spiritually better off than without this analysis.

So let me ask you,

  1. What unhealthy expectations do you have? Be specific.
  • Where do you try to force others to live up to your unhealthy expectations?
  • Who in your life can speak to the blind spots in your life? Talk to them and allow them to reveal the truth to you.
  • Spend some time considering your unhealthy expectations and where you can modulate these expectations.
  • Continue to evaluate your life and adjust to any new unhealthy expectations that might arise.

© Robert W. Odom, 2024

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January 12, 2024 · 10:05 am

Mary and the Surprises of God

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.  

In reading the New Testament about the birth of Jesus, it is noteworthy that Matthew gives us Joseph’s genealogy. In his writing, Matthew mentions five women with assorted backgrounds. What is truly interesting is that Matthew places Mary in his genealogy. Luke’s genealogy, while he traces Mary’s genealogy, does not mention Mary.

Now, here is where it gets interesting. Both Mary and Joseph were from the line of David, which was a key component of satisfying the prophecies of the Old Testament. Joseph came from the line of Solomon, while Mary was from the line of Nathan. Both were sons of David and Bathsheba. Without this connection, there could be an argument that Jesus was not the legitimate Messiah. That solved the issue and closed the door to argumentation.

What does the story of Mary teach us? While there are many lessons. One of those, I believe, is that the story teaches us that sometimes God surprises us. He certainly surprised Mary with the announcement that she was pregnant. Even she proclaimed. How could this be? In a casual reading, we may miss the meaning of this phrase. How could this be since she was a virgin? How could this be since she had not known a man sexually? How could this be when she was betrothed to Joseph? What would be his reaction? What would her parents’ reaction be? These are all legitimate questions. They are necessary for us to resolve the surprise of God in our hearts.

As we see in the story, she was visited by an angel who gave her this news, but that same angel comforted and assured her that God was with her. When we are surprised by the workings of God, we, too, need to be assured that God is with us. One of the things that we can be assured of is that if God has called us to do something incredible, he will provide the means and the way for it to take place.

Mary was an ordinary teenage girl with normal expectations. She was in the process of marrying Joseph when all of this took place. She did not anticipate this blessing. She did not ask for it, and yet God blessed her. God chose to use her not because she was special but because of God’s choice. I guess that God could have used many other women of that day to be the birth mother of Jesus, but he didn’t. He chose Mary.

When God surprises us, we can sometimes battle self-esteem and issues of worthiness because we look around and see others who are more qualified. We look and see people with a more excellent education. We look at people who are more talented than we are. I wonder if Mary did not go through this at times. But here’s the deal: if God has called you, he will equip you and put the people in your path who can help you succeed at whatever God has called you to do. I will tell you today, as the angel Gabriel told Mary and Joseph, not to be afraid. What God has called you to do, he will see it through.

Sometimes, God has to work in us before he can work through us to touch the world around us. I would encourage you today to allow God to do whatever work he needs to do, and as he does that, he will begin to work through you. I am always amazed at how God opens doors when I least expect it.

We did not know what to expect when we left our last assignment and moved to Richmond. We moved without a job or any promises. Since that time, we have seen God surprise us so many times. He continues to bless us and surprise us.

The surprises of God and life come in many different shapes and sizes. It could be a new job, a new house, or new sources of income. It could be in meeting new friends. Sometimes, life’s surprises bring pain and hurt, such as losing a loved one. But no matter the surprise, God uses them to bring about His will and purposes in our lives.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where has God surprised you?
  2. When God surprised you, what questions did you have?
  3. How did you resolve these questions?
  4. What emotions did you have to process to accept the surprises of God?
  5. How has your life been different since God has surprised you?

© Robert W. Odom 2024

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December 31, 2023 · 11:25 am

Bathsheba: A Story of Abuse and Pain

 Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

Today, we will look at the next installment in our series on the women in Matthew’s genealogy. We will look at the story of Bathsheba. I am sure we have all heard her story, so it is not new, but I would like to share a few thoughts.

The story about Bethesda is also the story of David. As we read the story, we find that David’s failures set the tone for the story. David was home from battle. He should have been on the front lines with his army. After all, he was the commander-in-chief.  Instead, he was on the roof of his house. On his roof, he saw a beautiful young woman on the roof below. She was bathing.

Being the king, he could have any woman he wanted. The woman had little recourse or counteractions she could take. David abused his power and took Bathsheba. Even after he knew she was married, he took her. He slept with her, and almost immediately after, she told David that she was pregnant. David, being the man he was in the moment, tried to hide his sin.

He called for Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, and brought him home to be with his wife. Uriah refused to sleep with her because he had more integrity than David. Instead of sleeping with her, he slept with his servants. He could not do this while his men were on the battlefield. Because he refused, David came up with a second plan. He called for Joab, the leader of the troops. He ordered Joab to put Uriah on the front line and then pull everyone back so he would be killed. And that is what they did.

To make matters worse, shortly after he was born, the son of Bathsheba died. Can you imagine the pain that she experienced? She was forced to have sex with David, she lost her husband, and she lost her child. How devastated she was. How much pain and suffering she was having. This is because one man lost his integrity and tried to cover up his sin. David the King failed big time and caused great suffering for Bathsheba.

Too many today have suffered from those in authority. We have seen it in business, politics, families, and, unfortunately, the church. People have left a wake of pain and suffering due to their harmful actions. The only difference is that David repented. We see this in Psalm 51. Too often, however, too many abusers never repent. They continue to leave people in their destructive wake of abuse and pain.

The Bible is about the redemptive work of God. We see this in Bathsheba’s life. Amazingly, many people think Solomon’s writings in Proverbs 31, about the virtue of a good woman, was his way of honoring Bathsheba. She allowed God to heal her brokenness and was used by God to raise her children in the ways of God.

With all of her suffering, God used her. Why was she in the genealogy of Christ? It was twofold. First, she was to be the mother of Solomon, who would be in the lineage of Christ. He would be in Joseph’s direct line. But many do not know that she was also Nathan’s mother. Nathan would be in the lineage of Mary, so both Joseph and Mary were from the line of David. This way, there could be no argument about the fulfillment of the Davidic Covenant that said that David’s kingdom would never end. It is continued through the Kingdom of God by way of the birth of Christ.

What do we learn from this? First, if you have been abused, God sees you. God knows what you have been going through and what you are dealing with now. I am not sure what Bathsheba felt, but I wonder if she sometimes felt forgotten by God.

Second, God will use your pain to touch other’s lives. She raised sons who followed God. God uses the broken. He uses the abused and the forgotten. Those who have often navigated the pain and hurt brought on by others have more empathy and compassion for others.

Third, though David repented, it cost him. He lost his son. He lost his kingdom. He was not allowed to build the temple, which was one of his greatest desires. He also saw many of his sons rebel against him. We must remember that we may repent and confess in life, but we still have to pay the price for our decisions.

So let me ask you?

  1. Have you been abused? What emotions did you experience? Sometimes, we need to be honest about our emotions and pain. That starts our healing process.
  2. Where has God helped you navigate the emotions of the abuse?
  3. Where have you witnessed God use your pain to reach others? How has this helped you on your journey?
  4. Have you experienced someone who repented but had to pay the consequences of their choices? Describe this experience.
  5. Where do you see God working in your life now?

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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December 22, 2023 · 2:43 pm

Ruth: a Story of Hope

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I have shared the story of Tamar and Rahab, but today, we will look at the life and story of Ruth. The theme of this story is hope. When all seems lost, the redeemer comes through. While Tamar and Rahab would make good Lifetime or Netflix movies, Ruth would be a beautiful hallmark movie.

Our story begins with Naomi and Elimelech moving to Egypt because of the famine. They had two sons, Mahlon and Chilion. The sons married two women from Moab named Ruth and Orpah. After some time, Elimelech died. Ten years later, Malon and Chilion died. We do not know why they died, but we know life was hard then.

Because of the death of these men, Naomi, Ruth, and Orpah were left alone. They would have to fend for themselves. Therefore, Naomi returned to Bethlehem, where she had family and friends. She gave Ruth and Orpah the option of moving back with their families. She strongly encouraged them to do so. Orpah chose to do so, but Ruth stayed with her.

Ruth’s commitment was epic. So much so that her quote is one of the most used at weddings. In Ruth 1:16-18 Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” 18 And when Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more.

What a statement of commitment and connectedness. While this was a blessing, Naomi was still grieving the loss of her husband and her sons. In fact, when she returned to Egypt, she wanted her name changed to Marra. It was a play on words.  Naomi means pleasure, and Marra means sorrow. She was filled with sorrow and grief. It is noteworthy that we never see that she was called this.

When they arrived in Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz, a farmer who allowed Ruth to reap the grain she and Naomi needed from his fields. Their relationship blossomed, and eventually, they committed themselves to each other.

Ruth discovered that Boaz was a relative of Elimelech; therefore, he had the right to redeem her according to Jewish law. This meant that he could marry her and continue the lineage of Jesus. Under the law of the day, when one was widowed, the next brother in line was to marry his brother’s wife. In this case, however, there was no brother. So, under the law, the next of kin, whoever that was, could marry the widow and carry on the family name.

But there was a problem. There was another redeemer or relative. By law, Boaz had to meet with him to discuss his interest in marrying Ruth. The first redeemer decided to relinquish his right to marry Ruth and, subsequently, the land of Naomi. They used an interesting agreement strategy. They brought in the elders of the city to witness the agreement.  The agreement was ratified by exchanging one single shoe with each other.

This gave Boaz the right to marry Ruth, making him the kinsman redeemer. As a result of their marriage, Ruth gave birth to a son named Obed. Obed was the father of Jesse, who became the father of David. And David as we know was in the promised lineage of the Messiah’s birth.

From this story, there are several lessons. First, blessings come when we bless others. Ruth could have gone her own way, but she blessed Naomi by staying with her. Ruth’s love was evident in all that she did. When we bless others, we focus on them rather than our problems.

The second lesson is that loss is hard, but we can trust God in every situation. While dealing with loss, it is sometimes hard to see an end to things. The way seems dark and hopeless, but as we trust God, He provides a way.  For Ruth and Naomi, the way seemed impossible. But God sent the kinsmen redeemer to make a way for them and bring them into his family.

The third lesson of this story is that it is a picture of what Christ does for us.  We are lost and hopeless, and we need someone to redeem us. Jesus did that on the cross and, in so doing, draws us into His family. We are no longer alone. We are connected. All that is His is ours through His death on the cross.

Therefore, we do not have to face loss and grief by ourselves. He is with us, and we have an incredible family around us. Sometimes the grief is so hard that we do not see hope, but it is there.

So, let me ask you?

  1. What lessons do you learn from the study of Ruth? What truths revealed in this story can you apply in your life?
  2. Have you experienced loss? Where have you seen God provide for you in your loss?
  3. We can know that God will come through, but it still surprises us when He does. Where has God surprised you?
  4. Where have you helped someone else when you were in pain? What benefits did you realize in doing this?
  5. As I often do, I recommend you do a gratitude journal where you list the ways God has blessed you and you have witnessed His grace.

© Robert Odom 2023  

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December 17, 2023 · 11:02 am

Rahab – a Story of Acceptance and Faith

Today, we continue our look at the genealogy of Jesus and Joseph. Last time, we looked at Tamar; this time, we will look at the story of Rahab, the prostitute. What I love about the Bible is that the authors do not try to hide the good, the bad, or the ugly about people. It is all included so that we find that we are welcome no matter who we are or what we have done.

I am amazed and blessed that Tamar and Rahab were included in the story of Christ. Her story was filled with deceit and rejection, but nonetheless, it is a story of hope. As we look at the story of Rahab, a few things will help us understand it. The nation of Israel had finally left the wilderness. They had been there for forty years because of their disobedience. They could have entered earlier, but they spent forty years wandering in the wilderness because of their lack of faith.

When the Israelites crossed the Jordan River into the promised land, they were to conquer it. While in the wilderness, God provided them with everything. He provided food, water, and safety. Now, they would have to fend for themselves. They were to possess the land but had to fight for it. They had to take it.

God had commanded the Israelites to take the land and destroy Jericho, but they were to do so in an unconventional means. They were to march around the town once a day for six days. On the seventh day, they were to march seven times. On the seventh time, they were to blow their horns and shout at the top of their lungs.

Once they crossed over the Jordan River, Joshua sent the two spies into the city of Jericho. Jericho was a city surrounded by thick walls. There were two walls. The first was at least thirteen feet thick, and the second was seven feet thick. These walls were almost impenetrable because they were so thick.

Once inside Jericho, the spies encountered a young woman named Rahab. She is identified as a harlot or a prostitute in the story of Joshua. She befriended them and hid them in the stalks of wheat harvested on her roof. This was a big risk for her because her countrymen could have sentenced her to death for the act of treason. Since she did not know Josh, would he keep his word? As we study this, we see that she trusted God more than she feared those living in Jericho and more than her trust or non-trust for Joshua’s men. Rahab risked everything to save Joshua’s men and protect them from the onslaught by Jericho.

This is a story of grace and mercy. Rahab was an outsider. She was a Gentile. She did not have the credentials to serve God. Or so she thought. In our day, many would not have received her either. She had too many things against her. After all, she was a prostitute. For the Israelites, she was not of the Jewish faith. She was not in the right profession, and she was in the right group, but God used her. Have you ever felt unworthy to serve God because of your origin or what you might have done?

What saved her? It is because she recognized the power of God and began to acknowledge God as her king. This changed her life, and she was willing to take the risk on both fronts. Listen to her story of faith in Joshua 2:8 Before the men lay down, she came up to them on the roof 9 and said to the men, “I know that the Lord has given you the land, and that the fear of you has fallen upon us, and that all the inhabitants of the land melt away before you. 10 For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you devoted to destruction. 11 And as soon as we heard it, our hearts melted, and there was no spirit left in any man because of you, for the Lord your God, he is God in the heavens above and on the earth beneath. She gave a testimony of the power of God to save. She recognized the power of God and gave Him praise.

As I read this story. I thought of the story of Mary Magdelene, who was about to be stoned when Jesus approached the crowd. He saw the elders of the church with their hands raised to stone a woman who they said had been caught in adultery. Jesus saw the woman, approached the woman, and then knelt on the ground. As he did this, he began to scribble in the sand.

Some would argue, but I believe that he began to write out the names of her attackers and what they had done. He made this statement. He, without sin, cast the first stone. One by one, her accusers left her. Finally, there was no one there. Jesus asked her where your accusers were. They are not there. Jesus said neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.

The stories of Rahab and Mary Magdelene are important because Jesus came to save the world. So why would his lineage not involve the world? All men everywhere were accepted by Christ and welcomed into the kingdom of God. It did not matter. What mattered was that God received them where they were.

How do we know this about Rahab? First, Rahab is included in the genealogy of Christ. Secondly, she was mentioned in two different passages that represent her faith. Listen to these.

Hebrew 11:30:31 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days.By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

James 2:24-26  You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way? For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.

So let me ask you:

  1. Have you felt rejected because of your past?
  2. Have you been in a place where you believed you were not accepted because you were not in the right profession or the right group? Explain how that makes you feel.
  3. Where have you seen the grace and mercy of God in your life?
  4. Where can you reach out to someone who seems on the outside but needs God’s grace? Make a list and pray for God to allow you to speak life and hope to them.                                                                

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December 16, 2023 · 9:28 am

Tamar a Story of Hope

Robert W. Odom PH. D

I love that the writers of Scripture do not whitewash the stories detailed in the Bible. Throughout Scripture, we find a discussion of some challenging situations. These include abuse, rape, deception, broken promises, and more. The question is often asked why this is. I believe that God allows this so that we see the need for a Savior and what life looks like when we do not follow the principles God has established for us. The story of Tamar is one such story.

Historically and contextually, the law of that day required that if a man died before he had children, his brother would marry the widow, and their first-born child would take on the name of the deceased husband. This would allow that child to have his place in the lineage of the coming Messiah.

This was the one hope of the Jewish people. They longed to be in the family lineage that would give birth to the Messiah. This expectation was that Jewish people would wait with wonder for the birth of the Messiah. They would have great expectations at the birth of every male child. They would often greet one another with the words, “Have you heard any good news?” This meant Have you heard of His birth? They waited eagerly for the coming Messiah, the savior of the world and the redeemer of all humanity. That is why this story is both sad and amazing at the same time.

Let’s look at the story. Tamar married Er, Judah’s first-born son. The Bible tells us that he was such an evil man that he died. The Bible says that “he was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death.” We do not know how or when. We know that he was wicked, and he died.

Onan, who was the second brother in line. He married Tamar according to Jewish culture and religious law traditions. He was to have a child so that the lineage of the Messiah would be established. He married her but refused to conceive a child with her. He faked everyone and lied about what he did. (Because this is a G-rated article, I cannot describe what he did). This action and the refusal for him to obey the law cost him his life.

And this is where it gets to be a real lifetime network movie. Tamar was promised Judah’s youngest son. He never gave him to Tamar for fear that he, too, would die. He failed to recognize the real reason his sons had died. They were evil. It does not say it in scripture, but I imagine he blamed Tamar, not his sons, for their deaths.

To get even, Tamar dressed up as a prostitute. Judah saw her, and he took her. Because of this interaction, she conceived a child (we later find out they are twins). She was brilliant because she requested a goat for her payment. Since Judah did not have one available, she asked for a security deposit. She asked for his signet, the cord, and the staff/rod. He gave them to her.

After they made love, he sent men to give her a goat to honor their agreement. But she could not be found. Three months later, Judah received word that Tamar was pregnant. What does he do? He calls for her to be burned, which was the penalty for having a child out of wedlock and breaking the law of the time. Do not forget that women were not honored that day.

Being the intelligent woman she was, she produced the evidence she had been holding. She asked him to identify them because the man to whom they belonged was the man who was the father of her child. Things changed quickly, and he realized he had wronged her and had been caught. He could not have her put to death because it would have jeopardized his own life and standing in the community. He also recognized that he had betrothed his youngest son to her but never allowed this to happen. He had forced her hand. She knew how important it was for her to keep her husband’s namesake alive, even though he had been evil. Tamar, an outsider, was more focused on the Jewish law of Messiah than Judah was.

In the end, she gave birth to twins Perez and Zerah. Here is the fantastic part of this story. Perez became the father of Boaz, who became the father of Jesse, who became the Father of David, who we now know was in direct line through which Messiah would be born.

Wow, what a story. And this is the G version. This story is complicated, messy, and filled with trickery. However, God used a terrible situation to bring about His will and purposes in the life of humanity. Ultimately, God cares about the widow, the hurting, and the forsaken. Remember, Christ came to minister grace and mercy in significant ways.

As we have noted before, our past does not dictate our future. While our past may form who we are, it does not have to define us. God does not use our past against us. He redeems our past so that we can live whole and complete lives in the present. God chose a broken and rejected woman to be included in the genealogy of Christ.

God takes the messy and broken pieces of our lives and restores them. Broken promises are a part of life, but God turns these hurts and wounds into opportunities for healing. We become more sympathetic and empathetic to those who hurt around us. We are filled with more compassion to see others in a redemptive light rather than one that judges and condemns.

Listen to the mission of Christ in His own words. “The Spirit of the Lord is on me because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

God set Tamar free, and He can do that for you today. Trust Him. Turn to Him. Ask Him to help you. You might be surprised at the outcome.

So let me ask you:

  1. What lessons do we learn from this story?
  2. Have you experienced the grace of God like Tamar did? She deserved death, but she received life and ended up in the lineage of Christ.
  3. Where have you experienced broken promises and deceit? How did that impact you?
  4. How do you see the grace and mercy of God at work in this story?

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D. 2023

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December 10, 2023 · 10:03 am

Redemptive Grace of God

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

I have been amazed over the last few years at the interest of people who want to know their heritage. Companies like 23 & Me and Ancestry.com are booming in sales. People want to know where they came from and who their ancestors are. Some of the tests available now can tell us how we were designed according to our DNA and if we are susceptible to certain diseases.

While the Bible did not have 23 & Me, Ancestry.com, or DNA testing, one’s heritage was important. There was often a discussion about their fathers and which of the tribes of Israel to which they belonged. This was critical for them, as the Jewish people longed for and anticipated the coming Messiah. So, they valued their genealogy.  The prophecies of the Messiah’s coming caused them to keep close tabs on their heritage. They hoped they would be the chosen family to be included in the Messiah’s lineage.

As we enter this Christmas season, one of the overlooked parts of the Christmas story is the genealogy of Christ in Matthew chapter 1. What sets this apart is that Matthew includes five women in his genealogical account. These women include Tamara, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. In our current culture, this does not seem unusual, but in the culture of that day, it was uncommon for women to be included in genealogical history.

Matthew took this step because he had been accepted into Jesus’ core group of leaders, His disciples. He had been a tax collector. Tax collectors were not loved in that culture. Tax collectors worked for the Roman government. They were most likely Jewish, as the Roman government wanted to use them to exact taxes from the Jewish people. The Jewish community had a disdain for the Roman government, and they did not have a love for the tax collectors hired by the Roman Government. He knew what it meant to be unloved and disconnected. Being accepted by Christ established empathy and compassion in him. For this reason, I believe Matthew included these women in the text.

Matthew had a story, and each of these women had a story. It was a story to tell and one we needed to hear. The overarching lesson is that we have hope for a better future no matter who we are, where we come from, or what we have done.  Our past or the things we have done do not disqualify us. God has a plan and will help us achieve that plan sometimes in the most remarkable ways. God does not use our family life or our heritage against us.

In these stories, here are some things we need to know. First, it was rare for the names of women to be used in the genealogy of that day. In those days, men held all the power and prestige. The man was king, and the woman had little input in life. She was a servant and served the man. Matthew was writing to the common man and wanted them to see the truth of the lives related to the story of Jesus’ birth. He was not about whitewashing the story. Matthew recognizes the value of women and that they are a critical part of God’s story.

Second, Matthew starts with the story of Jesus’ birth. He includes these women to emphasize that God chooses whom He will be a part of His story. Some have suggested that Matthew included these women to soften the blow of the fact that Mary was a virgin and had not had a sexual relationship with anyone at that time. Mary’s circumstances were difficult and scandalous at that time. He was reminding them that others had been used to bring about the birth of the Messiah.

The culture of the day was not favorable to women. Mary’s family and the Jewish community could have ostracized her.  It would have been hard for her to find a husband. In those days, the Jews treated the betrothal (engagement) the same as being married. Once she was divorced, which was the only way to get out of the engagement, she could not marry because they considered this adultery, and this was to be avoided at all costs.

Third, Matthew uses these stories to show that anyone can be used in God’s kingdom regardless of their background or what they have done. He also revealed that anything is possible with God. God took broken lives and messed up circumstances to show His love and grace. He does this to show that the power of redemption works for everyone. No one is left out, and no one is skipped over regarding God’s redemptive grace. These women served as an example of how God uses anyone at any time. God was redeeming them, and they challenged the status quo.

Think about your life. Your past does not disqualify you. Your family history does not disqualify you. Christ’s birth was central to the story of redemption. He used those who could not receive grace from the society in which they lived. But God gives grace, and He still does this today. He takes the pain of our past, rejection, wounds, and hurts and gives us amazing grace.

The next few posts will look at these stories to understand God’s grace in these lives. We will look at their grief and the trauma they experienced. The goal is to offer a message of hope and encourage all of us to continue to push through our pain and hurt.

So let me ask you:

  1. In your life, where have you been wounded by culture or family issues? Where have you felt like you were on the outside looking in?
  2. Where have you witnessed God’s redemptive grace in your life?
  3. How has God’s grace used your past to make you more effective today?
  4. Where do you need the grace of God today to overcome hurt and wounds created by others? Or your actions?
  5. Sometimes, we have to look for the grace of God because the pain is so deep and hard. Spend some time in prayer and meditation to see where God is working.

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

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December 5, 2023 · 8:05 am

Rewriting Your Story

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

As I continue to study grief and trauma, I am amazed at how we have been created. David states that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14). The brain that God created is an amazing work of creative genius, but that is God. It is literally more powerful than any computer.

While we have been created with an amazing brain, the brain can be impacted when it is confronted with grief or trauma. For many people, they can adjust, and the impact is minimal. However, the effect is more severe for others, and it is hard for them to recover after severe traumatic events.

After experiencing trauma, certain parts of the brain begin to shut down. The deactivation of certain brain parts causes other brain areas to be impacted. For example, when trauma is experienced, the left hemisphere is deactivated. This affects our ability to logically make sense of what is happening and then be able to put these experiences into words.   

It is as if the brain cannot get past the pain experienced. When this happens, the brain becomes stuck on specific events that arouse negative emotions. These events are remembered in fragments and not the entire experience. Even when progress is made, some stimuli return one’s brain to that place of pain. It could be a smell, a sound, a place, or other stimuli. It is as if the brain is codified to respond to certain stimuli because of one’s past experiences.

Studies show there is scientific data that supports this. When those who have PTSD were tested, the brain scan showed exciting results. Specific brain areas would light up on the monitor when certain words were spoken, or specific pictures were established. The brain responded to the stimuli as if they were experiencing trauma for the first time. Specific brain areas lit up when these stimuli were present, even when the patient was not excited. It occurred simply using a word or a suggestion.[1]  

As we enter this Christmas season, while this is a time of celebration for most people, those suffering from the effects of trauma can have a different response. The mind can respond to Christmas in negative ways unconsciously. I used to get depressed at Christmas. Each year, there was a fog that would overwhelm me. I loved the season but could not help but feel depressed and disconnected.

After some time, I met with a counselor, and we discussed this issue. As I began sharing my life story with him, I realized Christmas was not a good childhood memory. My stepdad at Christmas would most often be drunk and would abuse my mom, myself, and my brothers. Physically and emotionally, he would attack us, so much so that the joy of Christmas was lost in the pain we experienced. This impacted me in such negative ways.

I remember one Christmas, he threw our gifts around the living room and screamed that we did not appreciate what he had purchased with his hard-earned money. The truth is it was my mom that had worked hard to buy us the gifts. His money was consumed with alcohol and gambling. When my mom would defend us, he would punch and hit my mom. Although she tried to hide it, blood would be evident on her face. This made me feel so sad that Christmas was not a happy time.

Working with the counselor, I was able to identify this as one of the root causes of my grief and depression. Once I recognized the core driver of my depression, it helped me to identify and name it so that it was not an abstract problem. In years to come, I could rewrite the story of Christmas in my mind and begin to write a story of grace and truth. After a few years of doing this, I could navigate Christmas without being depressed and angry.

There are many ways to respond to negative stimuli. We must be able to identify and name the emotions we are experiencing. Is it fear? Is it anger at what was done to us? Is it a state of depression? Or are there other issues at play?

One of the ways to deal with this is that we need to rewrite our story. Write a different ending to our story. Instead of fear and anxiety, write a story of grace and love. Write a story that ends with the grace of God. The goal is to get unstuck.

By naming the emotions we are experiencing, we can begin to look at the triggers that cause us to respond the way we do. By recognizing that I was depressed because of the way my stepdad acted at Christmas, I was able to transform my mind and focus on the positive aspects of Christmas. I can remember the first Christmas that I made it through the season without any significant depression.

Finally, prayer was a critical part of the healing process. While it was essential to rewrite my story, name the emotions that I was experiencing, and recognize the triggers that caused me to respond negatively, prayer is also critical. Prayer has a healing component. Prayer focuses on the power of God to transform our minds and reposition us to lean into healthy responses.

I will close with what one writer wrote recently: Rewriting your stuck story when dealing with trauma is a challenging but essential process. By understanding the power of our story, recognizing our triggers, reframing our perspective, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and taking action, we can break free from the negative cycle and create a new, positive narrative for ourselves. (Author Unknown).

So let me ask you:

  1. Do you experience negative emotions today from past experiences? Be specific.
  • To the degree that you can, name the emotions you are experiencing. This may not be easy but start with the ones you know.
  • How would you rewrite your story? For example, in my case what would a Christmas look like without being depressed?
  • Can you set aside time to pray and meditate? You may need to purposely plan some time to do so.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

[1] Von Der Kolk, Bessel, The Body Keeps the Score, Penguin Random House, 2014, pp 37-41.

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November 17, 2023 · 3:19 pm

What do I Fear?

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

As a child (I was eight years old), one of my chores was to take the garbage can to the curb. Of course, this always happened after dark. As I think about it now, I laugh. I would creep down the driveway as slowly as I could. I would look all around to ensure nothing was about to jump out at me. Every noise would cause me to stop, and I could feel my heart racing because I was afraid that something would jump out at me. I would run back to the house as fast as I could when I got the can to the end of the driveway. My mom, who thought she was funny, would lock the door so I could not get in. I guess that is what I can blame all my issues on (LOL). That was a moment filled with fear for me.

Fear is a natural response to the unknown. We do not know what will happen to us. We do not know what the future will hold. We do not know how we will get out of our mess. We fear what we do not know. At times, our fears are based on previous issues that have not gone well. We have had failed relationships, so we struggle with building significant relationships because we fear they will not work out. We fear doing anything because we might fail.

Fear is also based on what we cannot control. For example, we cannot control what people will say or do. We cannot control what will happen in the future or even the next few moments. And yet, we spend unnecessary time worrying. It is noteworthy, however, that much of what we fear never happens. Some studies say that 94% of what we worry about today will not occur. Therefore, we spend too much time worrying about things that will never impact us.  

When we face grief or traumatic events, we can be filled with fear. Questions and doubts about the future can swirl around us. We can fear how we will survive life without our loved ones. We can have financial fears that haunt us day and night. We can fear future relationships as we do not feel that anyone can replace the one we lost. We fear that we will feel empty for the rest of our lives.

All of these are normal emotions that come with grief. When we encounter grief or experience a traumatic event, we can feel that our life is over and there is no hope. But let me share a few ideas that might help us.

First, be real with your fears. Admit them and talk about them with someone who will listen without judgment. This allows us to confront the fear and not push it away. Acknowledging the fear and putting a name to it helps begin the healing process. This may go something like this. I have a fear of, and then fill in the blank. Journaling can help with this process. It might be writing a letter to yourself where you describe your fears. There are many ways to address the fears. Find one that works for you.

Second, once you admit and name the fear, you can evaluate its weight. Here is what I mean. How real is the fear, and what are the possibilities that what you fear will happen? There are real fears and real concerns that can haunt us. In these cases, we must find counsel to minimize these fears. If it is a financial fear, contact a financial advisor for help. Contact a lawyer who can advise you if it is a legal issue. If it is spiritual, contact a pastor or Christian counselor to discuss this fear. I think you get the point: talk with someone. But make sure the person you speak with can help you. I guess your friends will give you their ideas about what to do. They can mean well, but they might not provide the proper counsel. This is the case even with great friends. Just read the story of Job in the Old Testament.  

Third, trust God that He has it under control. When dealing with fear, we can feel that God has forgotten us. But know that God is still present. I love Psalm 46. I know that I have shared this passage many times, but it speaks life to so many who are dealing with grief and pain. David pens these words to illustrate his life after his world was turned upside down. In Psalm 46, he describes the mountains falling into the seas. He talks about the rivers roaring. That is what grief, trauma, and fear can feel like. Everything is falling apart, and your world will never be the same. While this is true, David reminds us that we do not have to fear these things because God is there to help us. He is a refuge and a place to find relief. At the end of the passage, David encourages us to “Be still and know that I am God.” The key is that God does not change. Even when it does not feel like it, He is there.

What a challenge for us! This is sometimes easier said than done. But David is communicating that no matter what happens to us or around us, God is still God. He does not change, and He is always there for us. We can have confidence in that statement of faith.

This is not an easy subject, and my time for this post is not enough to deal with everything associated with fear, but I hope these steps will be a starting place. My best advice is to find someone you trust to discuss your feelings. Journal your thoughts. Begin the process of healing. It may take time, but it is worth the process, and you establish a new normal in life.

So let me ask you.

  1. What fears are you dealing with right now? Be as specific as possible.
  • What has caused you to have these fears?
  • Who can you talk to about what you are experiencing?
  • Think about your past and the unrealized fears you might have had. Describe these fears.
  • Where do you struggle with God being always present to help? Describe how this feels for you.
  • Celebrate the positives and steps you take toward healing. This is an excellent place to journal your fears and your successes against fear.

©Robert W. Odom 2023

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