October 13, 2023 · 4:09 pm

Reading the Room

Have you ever been conversing with someone only to have the other person continue to talk without a break? They talk and move from one topic to another. Did this make you feel they were uninterested in what you said?

What about the person who makes bold statements without considering who is in the room? I remember one individual who commented inappropriately about people who lived in trailers. What he missed was that several of the people in the room lived in trailers. You could watch these individuals shut down and stop listening as he continued to speak. He lost them because of his insensitive comments.

On another occasion, one speaker spoke against abortion and was critical of those who had abortions. He was unkind in the comments. Once again, the speaker was unaware that several attending the meeting had an abortion and had to relive and navigate the emotions associated with those comments.

When communicating with others, we need to read the room. To read the room is to understand who is in the room and what the mood of the room is. This means we must pick up on the social cues being presented. We must have some awareness of who our audience is. This does not mean that we will never say anything that might offend others. The guarantee is that we will offend others at some point (or many times). Offense happens. However, the goal of communication is to reduce such occurrences when possible.

The room must be read before pushing a particular position. Reading the room means understanding who is in it and what they need. We need to read the room to take advantage of an opportunity to communicate effectively. This does not mean that we do not present our position, but reading the room means that we do not just push our position no matter what. When this is done, we come across as arrogant towards or ignorant of those around us. At times, it can also be an apathetic approach to communication. In essence, it appears we do not care. What is communicated too often is that you need to listen to me because I am right, and your opinion does not count.

I love James, who wrote one of the books of the New Testament. In his writing, He tried to balance faith and works. One way he did this is to challenge Christians to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. He was cognizant that being quick to listen and slow to speak reduced the potential for anger. How often do we get angry when we believe the other person is not hearing us?

When we read the room and know our audience, we can have healthy communication. To begin with, if we want successful communication, we must control how much we talk. So, we need to be aware of how much we talk. The question to ask is, do we want to push our agenda, or do we want to understand the person we are talking with? To do this, sometimes we need to be quiet and listen.

To have healthy communication, we should ask clarifying questions. This will help us get to know the other person, opening the door for deeper conversation. Asking questions will also help us in group settings. Asking questions will allow us to position ourselves to answer the questions people ask while communicating positively.

So, let me ask you?

  1. How well do you read the room? Be specific.
  2. Consider your communication. Do you allow others to talk, or do you control the conversation? If so, why do you think you do this?
  3. How can you adjust your listening skills by asking clarifying questions? How will this help you communicate more effectively?
  4. When you read James 1:19-20, what is your response? Does this passage describe your life? What needs to change to align your life with this passage?
  5. To communicate better, stop and listen. Ask questions to understand the other person much better. Think about this. Journal what that will look like for you.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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October 6, 2023 · 10:56 am

Do you face your emotions, run away, or try to hide?

A few weeks ago, we were sightseeing in Richmond when the battery light on our car came on. Fortunately, we could keep the vehicle running and made it home. As we entered the parking area at our apartment complex, the car died, and we rolled into our usual parking spot. That was a miracle, as we could have stalled out anywhere along the way.

As I considered this, one thing was for sure. We had a problem, and it was there before the car died. How did I know there was a problem? The light on the dashboard had come on, and now the car would not start. The light on the car told us that there was a problem. We knew it was the charging system but needed to know the problem precisely. To figure this out, we needed to diagnose the problem and get it fixed. In this case, the alternator had stopped working and needed to be replaced.

I have chuckled at how people try to resolve issues with warning lights. Rather than fix the problem, they try to fix the light. One person took duct tape and covered up a warning light that kept coming on. Another person removed the bulb (which was probably more complicated than the problem itself). And yet another just ignored the light and justified that it was not a problem. These three scenarios ended in costly repairs because they did not heed the warnings.

As humans, we have been created with a warning light system that lets us know when there is a problem. These lights are our emotions. Our emotions are generally not the problem. They point to things that are happening within us and around us. As with the car, we do not always realize the real problem, but heeding the warning light leads us to discover the problem. Once again, the warning light is not the problem. It only warns us of a problem.

The lights for our emotional dashboard are critical. We can respond to the warning, ignore it, or push it away. For example, we may be grieving a loss. A warning light shines because we are sad and feel the loss. When we recognize this, we can respond in diverse ways. We can try to cover up and hide the emotions we are feeling. We can ignore them, or we can respond positively.

The one difference between the warning lights in our cars and our emotions is that when the warning lights of emotions are realized, it does not mean that we are broken or unhealthy. It means we are experiencing life and its emotional space. The difference is how we respond to the lights.

I have a friend who is generally very balanced in how he responds to problems. He is a paramedic and, on one occasion, had a series of nasty calls on one of his shifts. Because of his usual way of dealing with issues, he tried to hide his emotions and continue to work as expected. He tried to be stoic and ignore the emotions he was experiencing. However, a few days later, he was short-fused, angry, and more impatient than ever. This was outside his character and the usual way he responded to issues.

After having an in-depth conversation with him, we concluded that rather than dealing with the issues earlier, he tried to ignore and hide from them. After all, he had been taught that men do not have emotions, primarily expressed through crying. Towards the end of the conversation, he was permitted to express his emotions and began crying. He was able to release the pain and sadness he was experiencing. I spoke to him the following week, and he said he was living in a healthier space.

The lesson is that we need to face our emotions head-on. We cannot hide them or pretend they do not exist. Doing so impacts our physical, mental, and spiritual bodies. We experience anger, self-pity, resentment, and other such responses. However, the more we face our pain and emotions, the healthier we become.

Do yourself a favor and confront your emotions. Rather than hide them, present them in the open. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel like exhibiting your anger in healthy ways, get angry. I think you get the picture.

So let me ask you:

  1. What emotions do you experience that never seem to go away?
  2. Are these emotions trying to tell you something about yourself? If so, what?
  3. Where are you trying to ignore or hide your emotions? How does that make you feel? And what steps do you need to take to bring change?
  4. What emotion do you need to pull out of hiding and deal with it?

© Robert Odom RVA, LLC.

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August 17, 2023 · 3:21 pm

When Grief Will Not Go Away

Grief occurs when we lose what we love. Most often, we consider grief as the loss of a loved one, but grief can include the loss of a job, a divorce, or a relationship divide. Regardless of the cause, we must navigate grief to move to a new normal way of living. There are occasions, however, when finding a new normal is not so easy.

While there is no timetable for grief, there are signs that one is experiencing complicated grief. Complicated grief is realized when the person navigating grief cannot get past the loss, regardless of what they do. One might be experiencing complicated grief if they continue to have ruminations about the person after one year or more. They might be experiencing complicated grief if they have excessive depressive moments and cannot shake the sadness. They have isolated themselves and have broken connections with those they love. People with complicated grief may be abusing alcohol or drugs.

In Charles Dickens’s novel Great Expectations, one of his characters, Miss Havisham, was humiliated and heartbroken when her fiancé sent a letter to cancel their wedding on the day they were to be married. She began to grieve. As a result, she suffered a mental breakdown and remained alone in her decaying mansion. She never removed her wedding dress and only wore one shoe for the rest of her life. She left the wedding breakfast and cake uneaten on the table. She only allowed a few people to see her. She also had the clocks in her mansion stop at twenty minutes to nine. This was the exact time she had received Compeyson’s letter. Even though Dickens wrote this fictional story, it illustrates what grief can do to a person if they are unwilling to navigate the pain and crisis of grief. This is undoubtedly an illustration of complicated grief.

While this is an extreme story or illustration of complicated grief, it highlights the problem. When we experience grief, we do not always know how we will personally respond to the loss of someone we love. We can be surprised by the response we have to loss and grief. We can experience grief on many occasions, but then we are blindsided by loss in ways we did not expect. It is the mystery of how we will respond to grief.

While we might experience complicated grief, there are steps we can take. First, be honest with your emotions and what you are feeling. This can be difficult as we do not always understand our feelings. But to the degree possible, we must be open to our emotions and face them. Only then can we begin to seek help to move forward. Being honest with your emotions might be to state that you are struggling.

One tool to help is to journal. Journaling allows you to express your emotions without fear of judgment or criticism. Through journaling, you can write down what you are feeling, whatever those feelings might be. Do not worry about how the words sound or even if they make sense. Put on paper what you are feeling. This may be challenging, but it is helpful.

Second, seek help. This can be a professional counselor or a spiritual advisor. These trained counselors can help you sort through the emotions you are experiencing. They can help identify steps to be taken to alleviate the feelings of complicated grief.

Third, on some occasions, you may need to speak with medical doctors to secure help with prescriptions. They can prescribe medication to mitigate or reduce depressive feelings. This should be a short-term fix in most cases.

Fourth, take the next steps. Sometimes when experiencing grief, it is hard to move forward. So sometimes the best thing to do is take small steps. Take a shower. Go downstairs. Taking the next steps may not seem like much, but these are giant steps for the one experiencing grief. One small step can lead to more significant steps. In time you can navigate grief and arrive at a new normal.

So let me ask you.

  1. Are you showing signs of complicated grief? If so, what steps are you taking to resolve your issues?
  2. If you are frozen with grief, what next steps can you take? Be specific.
  3. Who do you need to connect with? Do you need a spiritual advisor, counselor, or medical doctor? If so, what do you want to communicate with them?
  4. Have you tried journaling? If not, give it a try.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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August 15, 2023 · 10:45 am

Family Dynamics

I love family gatherings. I enjoy the laughter and stories that come from sitting around the table. At these gatherings, people begin to reminisce. Around the table, life is shared. That is always a blessing.

While family gatherings are great, sometimes, these gatherings are not always a positive experience for everyone. Every family has one person or two who creates a less-than-positive environment. This could be the person who is always negative and sees the worst in everything. These people suck the life out of the joy expressed around the table.

Then there is the one who hogs the discussion. They seem to talk endlessly and never allow others to speak. If you try to engage, they seem offended that they were cut off. They will pick up where they left off, even 30 minutes later. When they talk, they often talk about things that have little relevance to the group. Or they discuss controversial issues. Often, these people fail to read the room and understand who they are talking to. They assume everyone is on the same page. Therefore they talk about issues that cause others to feel attacked or marginalized.

Then there are the ones who will corner one of the family members because they believe something needs correcting. They take it upon themselves to talk down to and criticize the other person. They do so in a way that intimidates and ostracizes rather than includes and builds up. Name the issue that comes across as the sage. This could be medical solutions, lifestyle changes, relational discussions, or habits. This family member feels it is their God-given responsibility to correct others’ bad choices.  

For example, one family member may find in their heart to confront another person about their significant other or lifestyle choices. They will condemn what they disagree with rather than have a dialogue. Their goal is to tell you what they think without an opportunity to respond to their comments. Too often, they will fill the conversation with scriptures to support their opinions, even if the scriptures need more context.

Now before anyone sends me a nasty email rebutting what I am saying, there are some things that sometimes need to be addressed. I am not denying that. I refer to the self-appointed purveyors of truth who do not always have relational grounds to discuss someone’s lifestyle. I am referring to that person who feels they are the chosen one to bring change without dialogue or understanding of the situation.  They do not have the relationship to address the problem effectively. Of course, the question must be asked whether or not they need to address the person’s lifestyle altogether.

For the one confronting, I ask why you feel the need to confront in the first place. By what authority do you confront? What relationship do you have with the person that permits you to discuss another’s lifestyle? I find that there is positional authority, and then there is earned authority. I would rather speak from a position of earned authority than positional authority. Talking from positional authority can make me demanding, condemning, and arrogant. When I have earned authority, I can speak with and not to the other person. With earned authority, I listen to the other person to gain their perspective. With earned authority, I can hear their heart and what they are truly saying.

In Scripture, there are several references to confronting people. Let me share one of them with you. The first is James 1:19. James says that we should be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. This is a helpful process. We should be listening more than we speak. Listening invites us into the process; if we talk, we can speak more clearly. By listening, we can communicate with the goal of dialogue and not win an argument.

For the one being confronted, be kind. Change the subject. Walk away. To the best of your ability, try not to take what the other person says personally. This is difficult because what they say can cut us to the core of our being. Remember how one confronts speaks more to who they are than you are. We cannot be responsible for their actions but can control how we respond. Finally, forgive them because, in most cases, they are unaware of what they are saying or at least the damage being done.

Family can be fun, but they can also cause much pain. I have experienced the family members we have discussed above. Their words can be painful, but my attitude is better as I put the conversation in perspective. Doing so allows me to walk away with minimum impact.

So let me ask you.

  1. Think about the people in your life who have hurt you by their words. How have these words impacted you?
  2. In the conversation, what would you have done differently?
  3. How can you learn the gift of listening rather than speaking? What do you need to change in you to be a better listener?  
  4. Where do you need to forgive others for their words?
  5. If someone has hurt you, get counsel, and pray for guidance. This process is not easy, but it is necessary.

© Robert W. Odom Ph. D. 2023

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August 11, 2023 · 8:23 am

End-of-Life Planning

I just finished a lecture series at the University of Richmond for the Osher Professional Development Department. The series was on navigating grief. At the end of the series, one of the questions and subsequent discussion was what documents should be in place to help in end-of-life planning.  I will share some of these with you in this blog.

Getting this documentation in order will not alleviate grief but will help to minimize the emotional stress related to making decisions for your loved one. There is no greater stress than making decisions when we do not understand what our loved one wants. This can be complicated when multiple people are involved in making the decisions. These documents will also address what care should be provided at the end of life.

Please note that I am not an attorney or accountant, and I suggest you contact either of these for details and guidance. This is critical because laws differ from state to state. Also, because this blog is read internationally, the laws will vary from country to country. Therefore, seeking professional guidance is essential. I suggest that you discuss the medical forms with your primary care physician.

The first document is a Medical Directive form. This form is also known as Do Not Resuscitate (DNR). In many cases, this form will outline the care you wish to have if a viable life is no longer possible. This includes resuscitation, feeding tubes, breathing assistance, and unnecessary surgeries. This form will assist the family or significant others in understanding what the individual wants. I suggest you discuss this form with your family, primary care physician, and attorney.

The second document is the Medical Power of Attorney. This form appoints someone in case the individual can no longer make medical decisions. It should also be considered that a secondary name be submitted if the first cannot perform the duties.

The third document is the Power of Attorney. This person is assigned to make financial decisions for individuals who can no longer make these decisions. This appointment is good until the person passes. After this, the executor will step in.

The fourth document is a Will. This document will detail the individual’s wishes regarding their possessions and inheritance. The document will also establish an executor to settle the individual’s estate. I have suggested that a list be attached to the will regarding who should receive specific items.

Finally, a Living Trust should be considered. A living trust places all the assets into a trust that will protect the assets upon the passing of one’s loved one. This will, in most cases, avoid Probate Court. It is noted that this should be established at least five years before the passing of the loved one. In so doing, this will minimize the tax implications.  

When these documents are completed, it is necessary to supply copies to those handling these end-of-life events. For example, with the medical directive, the one tasked with being the Medical Power of Attorney should have a copy and one’s primary care physician. In some cases, as in Virginia, a medical directive central processing center allows you to submit the documentation.

It has also been suggested that an End-of-Life file or notebook be set up. This would include a copy of the above documents plus the following. It should consist of a copy of life insurance policies and a list of debts with account numbers. It has also been suggested that a list of passwords be available. Also, include any information that would be needed to satisfy the financial wishes you may have.

While this may be a difficult process, it is a necessary one.  I encourage you to consider these things. Consult with your lawyer, primary care physician, and family.

So let me ask you.

  1. Have you completed the above documents? If so, which do you need?
  2. Are there areas where this may be a struggle? Write down what you are feeling and the emotions that are being revealed.
  3. Make a list of who should receive this information. Make some time to speak with each person.
  4. Finally, as noted, find professional help to guide you in developing these documents.

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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August 6, 2023 · 6:46 am

Grief and Psalm 46

I love Psalm 46. I have used this passage many times at funeral services to encourage others. When we face grief and trauma, this passage brings hope. The problem is that too often when we grieve or encounter traumatic events, we can become angry with God as we feel He has let us down. We are disappointed and upset that the outcomes we hoped for were not different. This is a natural result of facing difficult issues. However, let me let you in on a secret. God can handle our disappointment and anger. He wants us to be honest with Him. Rather than bury our emotions, we need to face them. It is okay to be angry, but we must direct our anger to the right place.

Now to Psalm 46. David begins the passage with an incredible word of hope and a revelation of the work of God to sustain us. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 26:1, ESV). This passage speaks to the promise of God that He will not leave or forsake us. Notice that David gives us three descriptions of God. First, He is a refuge. He is a safe place to go amid life’s problems. God is strength. The writers of the New Testament state that our weakness is the best place for His strength to be revealed (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). He is also present and wants to help in times of trouble. He is an ever-present God who knows what we go through.

While David makes these pivotable statements about the character of God, he begins to detail an illustrative view of what life can be like. I love his descriptions. Look at these. Though the earth gives way, the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas, the waters roar and foam, and the mountains tremble. David was describing a world that was falling apart. Life was hard. Things were changing, and it felt like nothing was secure.

When we face grief and trauma, our lives can feel this way. It can feel that our world is falling apart. The foundations that we thought were secure can be shaken to their core. Our loved one who dies can cause our world to fall apart. Because of our love for them, we can feel lost and unsure about the future.  When we lose our jobs, we can begin to feel insecure, although we thought we were in a good position for promotion and retirement in the future. The person we trusted cheated us out of money, and now we find that our financial world is in a crisis. The friendship or relationship we thought was secure has ended suddenly. They deceived us. They broke our hearts. The divorce experienced was more than our hearts can take. And now we must deal with them as we try to resolve finances, home, kids, and new relationships.

Grief and trauma do that to us. It causes us to question life and reconsider what is secure. We can begin to ask what kind of future we have. We wonder if there is any hope. We wonder if life will ever be normal again. We wait for the next problem to arise. We feel depressed. We feel alone. We feel lost. Our world has shifted. 

While all these statements are factual, at the end of Psalm 46, David reminds us that no matter what happens, one thing remains the same. God is the same. David challenges us to “Be still and know that God is still God.” This is much harder than it appears. Too often, when we face the difficult struggles of life, we can question God’s reasoning for the events we encounter. What does it mean to be still? When facing the difficulties described in this passage, we can struggle to be still and quiet our minds from all the thoughts flooding our minds.

To be still can mean different things to different people. So let me offer a couple of suggestions. First, journal your thoughts. For some, this can be therapeutic. Through journaling, we can write our thoughts, share our emotions, and be honest about our feelings. We can do so without the fear of judgment or criticism. Before journaling, pause to think about your feelings and the pressures you are facing. Write those things down.

Second, we can meditate and consider what we are thankful for amid our struggles. This is easier said than done. But looking for the positive amid the difficulty can give us hope. While the above scenarios can be difficult, we can refocus our minds by being thankful. In so doing, thankfulness helps to quiet our hearts and restore our minds.

Third, rest your mind. That may be an oversimplified suggestion, but it can make a difference. Rest is important. It means that we quiet our minds and our souls. It might mean simply sitting in a chair with our eyes closed. It might mean going for a walk or a run. It might be finding a quiet place in a park or beach. The point is that resting our minds allows us to be still and know that God has not changed. He is still a present help in times of trouble.

Fourth, listen to music. Music can have a calming effect. The amazing thing is that music can soothe the soul. And the remarkable thing is that a plethora of music is available for every heart. For me, worship music is one way to quiet my heart and rest.

Here is the deal, grief, and trauma will turn our world upside down, but we must find ways to quiet our hearts and rest amid the difficulty. This is not always easy, but it is necessary.

So let me ask you:

  1. Where is it that your world is being turned upside down? Be specific.
  2. Where do you find it hard to trust God amid the grieving process?
  3. What helps you quiet your mind in difficult situations?
  4. Have you tried journaling? If not, try it. Be honest about your emotions.
  5. Most of all, know that God is present to help you. Where do you see God at work?

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July 18, 2023 · 11:24 am

Somewhere I Belong

Robert Odom Ph. D.

I do not know why I have been drawn to some songs lately, but I have. These songs have spoken volumes to me. I recently heard an old song by Linkin Park. Yes, Linkin Park. Please don’t judge me. The song was “Somewhere I Belong.” These are the words.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long

(Erase all of the pain ‘til its gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something all along

Somewhere I belong.

As I listened to the song and thought about the words of the song, I could not help but ask a question. How many people feel they need a place to belong? How many are hurting and want to find a place of connection? They want to join a community where they are accepted and heard. They want to belong. They want a safe place to deal with the pain they are experiencing.

I cannot help but believe that many today seek a safe place to belong. A place where they can connect. A place where they can be authentic about their pain.

The fact is that, too often, we do not know what those around us are experiencing. For many people, we do not see the pain they experience but only know the surface emotions they express. They have become good at hiding their pain because of the reactions they receive. We do not know the rejection and sorrow deep within their spirit and soul.

But what would happen if we really cared about those around us? What if we listened intently to their stories? What if we allowed them to share their pain and their struggles? And what if we did so without judgment or condemnation? What if we earned the right to speak into their lives by listening and building trust? What if we did so without patented answers that put everyone into the same category?

So many organizations and people claim to be a safe place for people to speak their hearts. Unfortunately, too often, when people share their stories, some bristle. Some unintentionally judge and criticize the person rather than accepting them where they are. Please note that I am not saying we should not speak into people’s lives, but we must use wisdom. Too often, we want to give solutions when we do not know the problems or the emotions people might be sorting through. It is like treating an infection with aspirin rather than an antibiotic.

People are hurting, and they want a place to connect. To belong is a critical aspect of living as we have been created with the need to belong. To belong is an important part of our life, growth, and development. Belonging is crucial to our satisfaction, mental well-being, and physical health. When we belong, even our longevity is increased. Therefore, belonging is a critical part of living life. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, one of the needs of humankind is to belong. People will seek to belong, and many issues arise when that is not realized.

The difficulty is that some looking to connect only sometimes do so in healthy ways. Too often, they will try too hard and alienate people in the process. For others, they will be so introvertish that they will not communicate much at all. For others, they may become clingy and enter our personal space. This makes some people uncomfortable. But be patient with them.

I will add that this is not only an issue for the down and out but also for those who appear well-to-do. This need to belong is an issue regardless of social status or the amount of wealth one has. This applies to those on the street to those living in a mansion. We all need to belong to something that brings life and hope. 

So how do we help people belong? First, we need to observe those who need connection. We need to listen to their needs and the issues they face. We cannot force connections but provide a safe place for people to connect. We can love people and listen to them.

Be more available to listen than give advice. Too often, we want to interject our opinions before we hear the heart of the person looking to connect. In so doing, we miss opportunities to help people connect.

It is interesting that in the song, they say they want something real. I believe this is critical. People want real environments that are safe, but also, they want authentic relationships. They do not want to feel like they are a project but that people really care.

It is not what we say but our actions that are critical. We speak, but we put our words into action. We love because we want to see people connect and find a safe place where they can work out their problems. We can be the catalysts for that to happen.  

In Scripture, it is not a mistake that we read that you are my disciples when we love one another. Jesus’ command in John 13:34-35 was that we love one another. Jesus also summed up our belief structure in two commands. Love God. Love others. To do so, we love others as Jesus did. He went to the outcast (the woman at the well, the woman accused of adultery, the leper, and so on). For that reason, he was accused of eating with sinners. May we be accused of that as we allow for a safe place for people to find connections and a place to belong.

So let me ask you:

  1. What kind of space do you give those who are hurting? Is it a safe place or one of judgment? Explain this.
  2. Do you allow people to share their hurt and pain? If not, what needs to change?
  3. Are you quick to offer advice without hearing people’s problems? If so, how can you change this and be a better listener?
  4. What do you think it means to love others? How do you identify with this command of Jesus? Do you everyone or just a select group?
  5. If you struggle with these questions, pray, meditate, and journal your feelings. Find someone to talk to about these feelings.

© Robert W. Odom 2013

Somewhere I Belong

Robert Odom Ph. D.

I do not know why I have been drawn to some songs lately, but I have. These songs have spoken volumes to me. I recently heard an old song by Linkin Park. Yes, Linkin Park. Please don’t judge me. The song was “Somewhere I Belong.” These are the words.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long

(Erase all of the pain ‘til its gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something all along

Somewhere I belong.

As I listened to the song and thought about the words of the song, I could not help but ask a question. How many people feel they need a place to belong? How many are hurting and want to find a place of connection? They want to join a community where they are accepted and heard. They want to belong. They want a safe place to deal with the pain they are experiencing.

I cannot help but believe that many today seek a safe place to belong. A place where they can connect. A place where they can be authentic about their pain.

The fact is that, too often, we do not know what those around us are experiencing. For many people, we do not see the pain they experience but only know the surface emotions they express. They have become good at hiding their pain because of the reactions they receive. We do not know the rejection and sorrow deep within their spirit and soul.

But what would happen if we really cared about those around us? What if we listened intently to their stories? What if we allowed them to share their pain and their struggles? And what if we did so without judgment or condemnation? What if we earned the right to speak into their lives by listening and building trust? What if we did so without patented answers that put everyone into the same category?

So many organizations and people claim to be a safe place for people to speak their hearts. Unfortunately, too often, when people share their stories, some bristle. Some unintentionally judge and criticize the person rather than accepting them where they are. Please note that I am not saying we should not speak into people’s lives, but we must use wisdom. Too often, we want to give solutions when we do not know the problems or the emotions people might be sorting through. It is like treating an infection with aspirin rather than an antibiotic.

People are hurting, and they want a place to connect. To belong is a critical aspect of living as we have been created with the need to belong. To belong is an important part of our life, growth, and development. Belonging is crucial to our satisfaction, mental well-being, and physical health. When we belong, even our longevity is increased. Therefore, belonging is a critical part of living life. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, one of the needs of humankind is to belong. People will seek to belong, and many issues arise when that is not realized.

The difficulty is that some looking to connect only sometimes do so in healthy ways. Too often, they will try too hard and alienate people in the process. For others, they will be so introvertish that they will not communicate much at all. For others, they may become clingy and enter our personal space. This makes some people uncomfortable. But be patient with them.

I will add that this is not only an issue for the down and out but also for those who appear well-to-do. This need to belong is an issue regardless of social status or the amount of wealth one has. This applies to those on the street to those living in a mansion. We all need to belong to something that brings life and hope. 

So how do we help people belong? First, we need to observe those who need connection. We need to listen to their needs and the issues they face. We cannot force connections but provide a safe place for people to connect. We can love people and listen to them.

Be more available to listen than give advice. Too often, we want to interject our opinions before we hear the heart of the person looking to connect. In so doing, we miss opportunities to help people connect.

It is interesting that in the song, they say they want something real. I believe this is critical. People want real environments that are safe, but also, they want authentic relationships. They do not want to feel like they are a project but that people really care.

It is not what we say but our actions that are critical. We speak, but we put our words into action. We love because we want to see people connect and find a safe place where they can work out their problems. We can be the catalysts for that to happen.  

In Scripture, it is not a mistake that we read that you are my disciples when we love one another. Jesus’ command in John 13:34-35 was that we love one another. Jesus also summed up our belief structure in two commands. Love God. Love others. To do so, we love others as Jesus did. He went to the outcast (the woman at the well, the woman accused of adultery, the leper, and so on). For that reason, he was accused of eating with sinners. May we be accused of that as we allow for a safe place for people to find connections and a place to belong.

So let me ask you:

  1. What kind of space do you give those who are hurting? Is it a safe place or one of judgment? Explain this.
  2. Do you allow people to share their hurt and pain? If not, what needs to change?
  3. Are you quick to offer advice without hearing people’s problems? If so, how can you change this and be a better listener?
  4. What do you think it means to love others? How do you identify with this command of Jesus? Do you everyone or just a select group?
  5. If you struggle with these questions, pray, meditate, and journal your feelings. Find someone to talk to about these feelings.

© Robert W. Odom 2013

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July 6, 2023 · 2:27 pm

I Need A Favor

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

As many of you know, I love to take illustrations from life to make Biblical statements. I recently heard a song on the radio that made me think about grief and prayer. The song is “I Need A Favor” by Jelly Roll. It is an interesting song because the singer is transparent about the struggle to have a marginal relationship with God. This struggle is highlighted by how some only pray during a major crisis. Because of the struggles one has, they wonder if God will hear them. Sometimes all we can do is throw up Hail Mary prayers and hope God hears them.

We can feel that way when we face traumatic events that lead to grief. We want to pray but know we have yet to do so consistently. We have only prayed when we have a crisis; now that we have a crisis, we are afraid God will not answer.  We are worried that if we pray, God will not hear us. But let me assure you that He does. He will answer.

Grief is confusing enough without the guilt or feeling that we are not a good person or are not praying enough. The fact is that many people do not think God accepts them. They do not feel good enough. So instead of turning to God, they turn elsewhere to find relief.

Unfortunately, the church has not done much to help this scenario as they sometimes make you feel you must be a part of the club for God to listen to you. We think we must be a part of the in-crowd of Jesus to be accepted. The church does not always intend to do this, but we can make people feel like they are second-class citizens and need to rise to a certain level before they can pray or seek God. I do not include every church in this because I do not want to broad-brush the church. Some congregations see the need to accept people right where they are. They are doing this and they are reaching people with grace and mercy.

When I was younger, I attended a “revival” service, and a young couple went to the altar in response to the call. She was wearing a halter top and hot pants. He had cut-off jeans and a T-shirt. I was amazed that the evangelist instructed the couple to go home and change clothes. The man was to cut his hair. If they did this, they could return, and he would lead them in the sinner’s prayer.

Let me say this. There are so many things wrong with this on so many levels. It is no wonder that Jelly Roll has penned the words he has.  The church can unintentionally (and intentionally) set up roadblocks. But, I find that Jesus was accused of eating with sinners. He went to the lowly and the confused. He went to the woman at the well, who was rejected on many levels. He went to the demon-possessed. He went to the Samaritan, who had been rejected by the religious organization of Jesus’ day. I could go on but you get the picture.

With that said, I wonder how many never approach God or the church because of guilt and fear of acceptance. How many people reject God because of what the church has done? I also wonder what would happen if we made churches safe places for people to reach out. What would our communities look like if we permitted people to be who they are and meet God where they are? This does not mean we compromise the gospel, but rather it enables the power of the gospel to reach all people. Rather than roadblocks we need to be avenues for people to reach out to God.

Finally, if you find yourself in the position of being afraid of asking God for anything, let me say God accepts you right where you are. You do not have to pass an entrance exam. If you pray, He will hear you. This means wherever you are; he will be there. Whatever you have done, He will listen. Give it a try and see what happens.

So let me ask you:

  • What would your church look like if it were a safe place for all people to meet with God?
  • What in your life needs to change to be more accepting and less judgmental of others?
  • What are you holding back because you fear what the church or religious organization will do if the truth is exposed?
  • If you are afraid of not being accepted by the church or the people, continue to search for a church that provides a safe place. They are out there. What would that church look like for you?

© Robert W. Odom 2023

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May 30, 2023 · 11:50 am

Loneliness Part Two

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

In my last post, I began a conversation about loneliness. I want to continue that discussion here today. Last time we took an overview of loneliness. Today, my purpose is to consider and offer suggestions for helping with loneliness.

First, we need to connect with others when feeling lonely. This is not always easy, especially when trust is crucial to our loneliness. But be intentional and take a step in connecting. Find groups or individuals who have similar likes. Meet with them and have fun.

Second, sometimes we have to push through our fears and anxiety. This is not always easy, but it is critical to dimmish the feelings of loneliness. Once we push through the fear, we may find that it is not as hard as we thought. This action will be worth pushing through the fear and anxiety to find a new normal on the other side.

Third, if it is too difficult to push through, talk with a friend and have them hold you accountable for pushing through. They can encourage you and keep you focused on what matters. Be ready for them to push you to connect. Know they love you and want the best for you.

Fourth, if the emotional trauma of loneliness persists, you may need counseling. This is a good thing. A good counselor can uncover emotional, mental, or experiential reasons why loneliness affects us. They can help you understand why you feel lonely and prescribe ways to overcome it. You might be surprised at what is revealed and equally surprised at how you can transverse the pain of loneliness to live a new day.

As a pastor and chaplain, I cannot help but turn to Scripture for help. We need others in our life. That is why connecting with others is so important. The words of Solomon, who was one of the wisest men alive, spoke these words in Ecclesiastes. Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can they keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Solomon was able to explain the need for friendship and connecting with others. There is safety in connection. Two can get more accomplished. When they fall or return to unhealthy ways of handling emotional issues, others will be able to help. When needing protection, others can help us find our way. That is why we need others.

I know this does not answer all of the problems with loneliness but are steps to assist in overcoming loneliness. But as I close this, I will offer specific possibilities for connecting.

  • Join groups that do things you enjoy. It might be golf, fishing, hobbies, cooking classes, foodie groups, sports activities, or other social groups. Take a class. Learn something new.
  • Be physically active. This increases the endorphins, which makes us feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically.
  • Be intentional about staying in touch with family and friends. Being intentional can help us connect with others. If we are not intentional, we may never connect and build relationships.
  • Find a faith-based organization that provides small groups.
  • Volunteer at organizations that need help. Food banks, nursing homes, community groups, and others.

Finally, prayer is a huge help in combatting loneliness.  Prayer connects us with God. Prayer touches our emotions and helps us overcome the void in our life.

So let me ask you:

  1. Are you feeling lonely? Please describe this feeling and the emotions you are experiencing.
  2. What steps are you taking to overcome your anxiety and fears?
  3. What friends or associates can you connect with?
  4. Do you have a faith-based community to join? If so, what steps can you take to make this happen?
  5. Are there social or community groups you can join? Make a list of these organizations. And then contact them to see how you can volunteer.
  6. Pray for God to help you overcome these fears and the anxiety of loneliness. You will not regret it.

© Robert W. Odom, 2003

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May 15, 2023 · 3:45 pm

Navigating Loneliness

Robert Odom Ph. D.

The Beatles penned the following words. “All the lonely people, where do they come from? All the lonely people, where do they belong?” (Eleanor Rigby released in 1966) These words caught my attention because I have been reading about loneliness lately. One report I read stated that 36% of all Americans feel serious loneliness. This includes 61% of young adults and 51% of women with young children. There is also evidence that loneliness has substantially increased since the Covid outbreak. I am not surprised by this last statistic.

On the one hand, this is an interesting phenomenon because we are one of the most connected societies ever. We have text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, and more. And yet, we live in a lonely society. More and more people are expressing chronic loneliness. Sadly, chronic loneliness has been linked to early mortality. In addition, loneliness can cause physical and emotional problems. These include depression, anxiety, heart disease, substance abuse, and domestic abuse. Pornography can also be a factor for some. They go to pornography as a way to deal with their loneliness.   

I know loneliness can be a complex situation. So, I don’t want to give a simplified answer. I also know that in this short blog, all aspects of loneliness cannot be explored. Therefore we will take the next couple of weeks to unpack this and consider solutions and ways to counteract loneliness. Even then we will only touch the service. But my goal is to encourage ways to combat so we can be in healthy relationships.

In my study of loneliness, this state of mind can result from several experiences or issues. For some, they have been abused. Because of this, they do not know who to trust. They are ashamed and blame themselves for the abuse. They feel safer isolating and avoiding people rather than facing abuse again.

For some people, it is a matter of trust. They have been lied to. They have been deceived. Their relationship has ended terribly. They do not know how to function in the community because of mistrust and insecurity.

Sometimes our loneliness is a result of our fear of being found out. We can fear that people might not like what they see in us if we become too personal. As a result, we struggle with our identity and who we are. As a result, we put up a false front. In other words, we are fake around people, and we are afraid that if we connect, they will not like the person we indeed are. This causes us to isolate which can exasperate the feelings of loneliness.

In all of these is an element of shame. Shame drives us to isolate and hide. We avoid relationships. In so doing, this impacts our spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. Shame drives us away rather than bringing us into relationships.

So how do we deal with loneliness? Here is where I will offer some ideas but discuss more next week. One of the statements made in life is that sometimes when we have a negative attitude, we must approach life with the opposite attitude. For example, with loneliness, we need to find community. We need to find a place to connect where we can begin to live life in a complete and meaningful way.

It may mean volunteering at a nonprofit. There are plenty of organizations that welcome people to serve. In providing a service to the organization, you are blessed as you can connect with others.  Sometimes it is movement in the direction of connection that is important. Attend a church gathering. Join a community group or a discipleship group. Find an activity that you enjoy.

This can be a challenging step, but it is a start. We do this one step at a time. I love our church as they have several points of entry into the church. They have short-term community groups and extended discipleship groups. So, when I say take one step at a time, this may mean signing up for one of the groups and then attending. If this group does not work, find one that does.  In so doing we begin to break through the barrier of loneliness and begin to real authentic relationships.

Next week we will get deeper into this subject as we explore loneliness. We will not explore everything, but we can have some good discussions. So let me ask you:

  1. Do you feel lonely? Explain why you think that. Be specific.
  2. What is the cause of loneliness for you? Is it shame, past experiences, or something else that drives this issue? Be honest and write out what you believe is the cause. As you identify the causes or at least what you think the causes are we can begin to take positive steps.
  3. What small steps can you take to connect with others? Consider one or two things you can do this week to combat loneliness and begin to build authentic relationships.
  4. Who can you talk to about your sense of loneliness? This is important, especially if you have suicidal ideations or want to hurt others. Talk to a friend, a colleague, a pastor, or a counselor.

© Robert Odom 2023

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