Life on the edge

April 6, 2023 · 12:48 pm

Death and the testing of our faith

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

Over the last few days, I have had several discussions about the recent shootings in Nashville. One of the themes of the debate has been about how God can allow a child to be killed when God could have intervened and prevented it. For some, this has created a crisis of faith. The concern has been how God could allow this to occur at a Christian school when so many people prayed over the school before the shooting. When it comes to these discussions, there are no easy answers. Also, we must understand that many of our questions will never be answered. The fact is that we will not fully understand why such things happen.

Before we discuss anything else, let me say this. God is a good God. He loves us with passionate love. Because bad things happen does not mean that He has forsaken us. God is also a just God. To be a loving God, He must also be a just God. I do not always understand what God does or why He does it, but I know He loves me and this world.

That said, I will make a few comments that apply to this discussion. I desire that it generates a conversation and a journey toward truth. This is not an attempt to draw lines in the sand but to look at a couple of things that must be addressed about this issue.

My first observation in this discussion is that bad things happen to good people. Scripture defines this as the sun rising on the just and the unjust. It also rains on the just, and the unjust (Matthew 5:45). Bad things happen. In most cases, we cannot control these things. Some believe that people of faith are exempt from tragedy and sadness. But the Scripture does not support this view. We have many stories where people face very difficult times. We find this with the disciples. We see this with Jesus Himself. We find this with the early church fathers.

Unfortunately, people around us will get sick, have problems, and die. This includes children and loved ones. However, it is critical to note that this does not mean that we do not have faith or that our prayers are worthless. From this perspective, Paul wrote that we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power of God belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way; but not crushed; perplexed; but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down; but not destroyed … (2 Corinthians 4:7-10). Scripture also reminds us that the inward strength for endurance is most important.

Paul was a man of faith. He was a pastor and an organizer of the early church. Paul experienced trouble. He was beaten. He was rejected by spiritual leadership. The political and social leaders ran him out of town. He was shipwrecked. He had a health issue. Friends betrayed him. As a man of faith, he was not immune from difficulties. And yet, he grew in grace. At one point, he wrote these amazing words. Though outwardly we are wasting away yet, inwardly, we are being renewed (2 Corinthians 4:16-19).

A second thought here is that, as humans, we have been created with the ability to choose and make decisions. Our decisions have consequences. These can be positive, but they can also be negative. And many times, our decisions have unintended consequences. When awful acts of violence occur, it is because of multiple choices, not just one. These are choices by the one who has committed the act and by those who have influenced their lives.

We have often seen that those who commit these acts have been rejected by society or a particular group. Many times, they have been bullied and have had unkind acts committed against them. Rather than love, one group has decided to reject another. They often do not fit the other’s mold or belief structure. Sometimes these people want to be acknowledged and recognized, even if it is through negative means.

There are several motivations for bad decisions. Selfishness is at the core of many of our bad choices. Unmet expectations, wounds, and hurt all impact our ability to make good or bad decisions. This is why we often find that the one carrying out the mass shooting has been traumatized through bullying, rejection, or abuse. These emotional deficits cause reactions and decisions to be made that are unhealthy and lead to bad decisions. Because they are in pain, they want to afflict pain on others.

The fact that cannot be denied is that evil exists and is very real. From the beginning of time, as we know it, evil has existed. Tragedy moves us to action. When we talk about mass murder, several solutions are presented. One extreme suggests that if we eliminate all guns, we will not have mass murders. The second extreme is to create stronger laws and lock people up. A third issue is the issue of mental health.

In my opinion, we need reasonable gun control laws. However, removing guns may not do as much as expected, as people will still react angrily to issues. I remember in the 60s, and 70’s when bombs were used in major cities to cause destruction and inflict as much pain as possible. We cannot forget the bombing of the FBI building in Oklahoma City in 1995, where 168 were killed, and 680 were injured. The evil intent of humankind is hard to change and eradicate.

In the mental health discussion, there is no doubt that we need to do more for those with mental health issues. I know that here in Richmond, there is a six to 12-month wait for professional counseling. Unfortunately, this does not account for those who manage to stay under the surface and are not seen or admit that they have an issue that needs to be addressed.

I finish this where I began. There are no easy answers. We must pray and seek to do good in all things. We must seek to honor God in our actions and the way we treat those who are most wounded. We need to reach out to those who are flying under the radar. As I often say, this is not easy, but necessary.

So let me ask you:

Have you had a crisis of faith because of what happens in society? How have you managed this? Perhaps you need someone to talk to. Sometimes we need someone to help us process the challenges of life.
Who do you know who needs a friend? Do you know someone who needs the support of friendship?
Do you live in the extremes or have a balanced view of what’s happening in the world?
Pray for God to help you shine His light into a dark world.

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March 20, 2023 · 8:16 am

Do You Want to be Healed?

Robert W. Odom Ph. D.

In Scripture, one of the stories I love is found in John 5. We see a man who had been paralyzed for 38 years. We do not know why he was paralyzed, but we know he is. Jesus approaches this man and asks him a fascinating question. Do you want to be healed? What a question to ask. The reality of his condition would presume that he would want to be healed.

After all, the man had claimed a spot around the pool. Those around the pool would wait for the water to be stirred, and when the water was stirred, there was medicinal healing at that moment. Those who entered the pool while it was being stirred would be healed. I do not know how that works, but it is a reality of the story. While the question is interesting, his response is also interesting. He answered that when the pool is stirred, he has no one to help him, and others are jumping ahead of him.

As I considered this story, several thoughts came to mind. First was the length of time this man was waiting to be healed at the pool. We know he had been disabled for 38 years, but we are unsure how long he had been at the pool. I also realized that Jesus’s question was more profound than physical healing. Had the man become so used to the physical disability that he accepted it and no longer wanted to change? What about his mental condition? Had he given up? Had he begun to allow his disability to define his life? Was he at a point of hopelessness? Did he even try to enter the pool? Did his disability define him to the degree that he did not know how to live apart from his disability? It is possible that the real question was about wanting to change.

Studies have shown that change in most people does not come until they realize they want to change. For example, the alcoholic will not give up his addiction until he realizes he needs help and has a problem. Likewise, those addicted to porn, drugs, and, yes, even food, for that matter, all need to admit they have a problem and need to change. Developing a helpless outlook on life is easy because of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual conditions.

Sometimes the most significant struggle we can have is the struggle to see that we need help. Jesus saw the big picture. The man had become comfortable with his physical disability. He was living in a comfort zone where he no longer looked for solutions to his problem. Instead, he was waiting on someone else to resolve his issue.

Sometimes we can live in our dysfunction for such a long time that it becomes uncomfortable for us to live anywhere else. We can become so comfortable in our dysfunction that we do not know how to live any other way. It scares us to seek change. It is uncomfortable to seek another way of life.

But, when we are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional, we consider the possibilities of our need to seek an avenue of healing. It begins with an honest evaluation of our needs and state of mind. How are you doing mentally? How are you doing physically? How comfortable have you become with your dysfunction? It is only when we have a truthful view of ourselves that life begins to change. Only as we understand our need for healing and healthy perspectives can we begin to see the possibilities of a new day.

So let me ask you:

Where are you focused on the wrong thing? Where are you waiting for someone else to be the catalyst for change rather than take responsibility for your needs?
Where have you become comfortable with your unhealthy and dysfunctional way of life?
Where are you facing negative constructs that lack an honest view of yourself and your need for change? We must begin with a sense of personal responsibility and brutal honesty about the change we need.
Do you want to be healed? Do you want to be well? What steps must you take to be healed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Talk with someone you trust (a friend, a relative, a pastor, or a counselor) and ask them what they see in you and where you need change. You might be surprised.

©Robert W. Odom 2023

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March 14, 2023 · 9:49 am

Rewiring the Mind Part 3

Robert W. Odom, Ph. D.

In our last session, we discussed forgiveness. While forgiveness was necessary and a precursor to starting the healing process, I also needed to realize that my past did not need to define my present being. While it did shape me, it did not have to define me. Instead, I needed to be defined by what God had called me to be. So I began a journey to understand what that looked like.

In this journey, I have learned that I tried to please people and wanted their approval. This was part of my dysfunction because I longed to belong and be loved. I wanted acceptance. When that did not happen, I got angry and eventually shut down emotionally. Then I would try harder and harder. It was a vicious circle that had no end in sight. I would work harder, and then my work would not be recognized, or I would fail to accomplish what I thought I should. I would then become angry and shut down. Around and around it would go. This was not the place I wanted to be.

When in trouble, it was easy to pivot into a bad place. I would sink into a depressive state and struggle with my inadequacy. Too often, I felt like a failure, forcing me to try harder and back again to the cycle of anger and then shutting down. This vicious cycle impacted my relationships and me personally. I decided to please people rather than make waves. The result was that I often did things to please others or for approval rather than doing what was right.

I can not tell how freeing it was once I realized I needed change. How freeing it was to break that cycle of trying harder, anger, and shutting down. How freeing it was not to have to please people. It was no way to live, and it was no way for my family to live. While I was not an alcoholic, I was being abusive to my family. In my trying harder, I often neglected them emotionally and physically. I was not there. I tried to, but I did not do such a good job.

As noted, I began a journey to understand these issues better. First, I wanted to understand what triggered my desire to please everyone. Second, I tried to understand why I would get so angry. Third, I wanted to know why I would shut down and stop communicating.

When it comes to pleasing others, I realized that I put more value in what people thought rather than what God had designed me to be. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to give me praise. Because I had such low self-esteem, I longed for recognition, and much of what I did was to get praise from others. When that did not happen, I became frustrated and angry.

Through prayer and counseling, I pivoted to an understanding that I needed to succeed because it was the right thing to do and not please people. The words quoted by Abraham Lincoln began to ring true. You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. I needed to understand what the right thing was to do because it was right and not because it pleased others.

Secondly, as I transitioned to this new space, I soon began to feel less angry and more satisfied. Once I stopped trying to please others, my rate of anger reduced and almost stopped. I also realized that most of the time, I was angry because of unmet expectations. But these expectations were based on false perspectives.

In my mind, I had a picture of what I wanted to have happen. When that did not occur, I would be angry. For example, I expected that the driveway would not be littered with toys when I got home and that there would be peace when I walked in. But most of the time, that was not the case. The kids had been outside playing, so their toys were scattered across the yard. When I walked in, all hell seemed to break loose. They would start to yell and run around. What I thought was a bad attitude and a discipline problem was them having to compete for my time. As I lowered my expectations of perfection, my anger began to decrease. I am not saying that we should not have expectations, but I am saying that some of our expectations are causing us pain and emotions that are not healthy. We need to adjust our expectations to the reality of life and not our picture of perfection.

There are many reasons we get angry. But to be healthy, we must research why we do what we do. Consider making a journal where you record when you are angry and why. Then, look back at those entries and look for patterns. These patterns may help you understand the reasons for your anger.

Thirdly, I would shut down and stop communicating for several reasons. Primarily, the reason was that I shut down because I was offended. I shut down because I was afraid of physically hurting someone. After all, I refused to be my stepdad. I did not want to lash out and mentally, emotionally, and physically wound others. But that’s precisely what I did. I wounded people with my silence. I hurt my wife and my kids. How freeing it is not to shut down, or at least not shut down for the length of time I would.

While I have made some confessions in this article, my goal has been to spur you to start a search in your life for why you do what you do. This may be challenging, but it is worth it. Pray. Start the process. See where God will take this in your heart. Remember this God wants to transform us into His image. He wants us to be the best version of ourselves that He has created. It may not be easy, but it is worth it.

So let me ask a couple of questions:

Where do you see yourself in terms of your emotions? Are there areas of your life you wish you could change?
Begin a journal. Write down your emotions and what caused you to respond the way you did.
If you struggle to understand your emotions, talk to someone close to you. Ask them to be honest and disclose what they see and feel when you respond out of your negative emotions.
How will you pivot to a new reality as real issues are revealed? Start small and work your way through the issues.
Finally, pray and ask God for His help. He will be there and help us become the best version of whom He has created us to be.

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March 9, 2023 · 11:12 am

Rewiring the Brain: Part 2

Robert W. Odom

March 9, 2023

In my last post, I discussed the ability of the brain to rewire itself. This is known as neuroplasticity. Today let’s dig deeper into this subject. As we grow and experience emotional events, we are generally shaped by those events. These unchecked events determine too often how we will respond to future events. These emotional events rewire our brains to react differently. This is usually a defensive mechanism meant to protect us but harms us in the long run.

Interestingly, studies show that babies who are cuddled and held as infants are more emotionally stable. However, the opposite occurs as well. Babies not cuddled or held lag in emotional, mental, and social development. In essence, the brain is wired differently. Many infants never overcome the loss of love at this early age. Their brains are rewired to understand love differently. Throughout life, they struggle to love and get love.

While much can happen in infancy, this can occur in other ways as the child grows. For example, if one grows up in an environment where there is a lack of love being shown, the brain can rewire itself. Let me share a personal illustration. I lived with my mom and stepdad from age six to twelve. My stepdad was an alcoholic and had a temper. He would come home and treat my family horribly. He thought nothing of abusing us emotionally, physically, and mentally.

The result was that I began to feel unwanted. I began to blame myself for what was happening. I began to try and live in a way that would not upset my stepdad. I would hide in my room when he came home. I thought he would leave me alone if I could hide, but that did not happen. I tried to avoid conflict at all costs. I often had a false peacemaker attitude: I would do whatever to bring peace, even if there were no real peace. My brain had been rewired to hide my emotions, be a false peacemaker, and avoid conflict at all costs.

Later in life, as I matured spiritually, I became more aware of these issues, and I started to seek ways to overcome them and rewire my brain to think differently. By avoiding my emotions, I became angry. At the same time, I would internalize my anger and shut down verbally. As I matured, I had to consider why I would handle anger as I did. What made me angry, and why did I respond the way I did?

Because of my faulty wiring, I had to look at ways to rewire my brain. I needed to understand the why and figure out ways to do life differently. So, I began a journey! My journey started with exploring forgiveness. I needed to forgive others, and most of all, I needed to forgive myself. I needed to forgive others as their actions, and words hurt me. I needed to realize that what happened was not my fault. I needed to recognize that while it was painful, I needed to let go of my pain. The place to do that was at the doorway of forgiveness. It was not easy, but necessary.

To forgive does not mean that the other person is not responsible for their actions, but I needed to free myself from their hold on my life. I had not seen my stepdad for over twenty-five years, yet he still controlled me. Forgiveness allowed me to process my false guilt and shame. I blamed myself when I was not the problem. However, it did become a problem when I would get angry. It was a problem when I would shut down and stop communicating. It was a problem when I buried my emotions.

Through the journey of forgiveness, I was able to release my stepdad. I was able to let go of the pain from the past. I was able to forgive myself. I could forgive my mom for allowing this to happen (although it was not her fault). Finally, I could forgive myself for the way I had processed emotional events in the past.

Forgiveness is the beginning of healing. Forgiveness clears the way to start a process of rewiring the brain. It releases us from others controlling us. It allows us to rethink how we respond to others. It is the beginning of no longer hiding our emotions. It is the starting point of releasing ourselves from blame and shame.

Next time we will continue this discussion. In the meantime, let me ask you a couple of questions:

How has your brain been rewired from past events?
What has been the result of rewiring your brain? Do you hide your emotions? What emotions are out of control in your life?
Who, what event, or what controls who you are and how you respond to life?
Where do you need to forgive others? Yourself?
What would look differently if you could rewire your brain positively and walk in forgiveness?
Pray and ask God to reveal these areas of life. Then, ask God to begin a process of forgiveness.

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Tagged as Anger, blame, forgiveness, neuroplasticity, rewiring brain, Shame

March 2, 2023 · 9:56 am

Rewiring our minds!

In Scripture, we are told that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This is true, especially concerning our emotions. Amazingly, we have been created with the ability of “Neuroplasticity.” What is neuroplasticity, you may ask? “Neuroplasticity” refers to the brain’s ability to restructure or rewire itself when recognizing the need for adaptation. In other words, the brain continues to develop and change throughout life. As the brain confronts negative and positive stimuli, it can adjust and rewire itself to accept the new dynamic.

Throughout life, we have been wired to respond to issues we face in specific ways. A part of this discussion is the old nature versus nurture debate. Are we born with predetermined responses to problems, or have we learned to respond the way we do? Both may be affecting how we respond.

In the environments we live, we are confronted with various stimuli. If these stimuli are consistently negative, our brains can be rewired to deal with the issues encountered. For example, abused people can experience a rewiring of the brain to deaden the pain. Left alone, we will believe we are no longer loved. The view of ourselves causes us to think we are faulty or broken. We can blame ourselves and believe we are not worthy of healthy relationships. We will often sabotage relationships for fear of being hurt again.

As children, many are taught not to have any emotions. We are taught to hide our true selves so that others will view us positively. We are trained to live to perfection, which is never possible. As a result, we begin to live with a false sense of who we are. We redefine ourselves. We hide. We isolate. After doing this long enough, we believe our false identity is our true self. Essentially, the mind rewires itself to believe the lies we have been told.

This is complicated even more when we face trauma, abuse, or other catastrophic issues. For example, we can be taught to hide our emotions and feelings. We hide our emotions so as not to make waves. Sometimes when a family member abuses another, the who has been abused will try to hide their emotions. They try to deal with these issues without ever actually addressing the issue. The result can be devastating. They blame themselves. They begin to believe they are not good. They think they are flawed and thus are a failure. When no one listens to them, they hide the hurt and, in essence, rewire their brain to accept these complicated ideas about themselves. This is a problem because they begin to live in a place of woundedness rather than a place of healing.

From this negative wiring, we often find ourselves responding to events in unhealthy ways. We lash out. We default to what feels good. This could be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. We long to be heard but feel silenced by the voices in our heads. Because of bad wiring, we do things we did not intend to do when the triggers that lead to negative responses are encountered.

While our brains can be rewired to respond negatively, we can also rewire our brains to react positively. Once again, this is why Scripture tells us to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). And that we are to renew our minds (Romans 12:1-2). This is the Bible’s way of telling us we need to rewire our minds. We will look at this in more detail next time.

I have always found this discussion interesting. The Bible talks about a new heart and a renewed mind. We need to reframe our thought processes and the way we think. In Romans 12, we are told that we can be conformed or transformed. Being conformed is to allow the brain to be rewired from negative input. In so doing, we become what God never intended us to be. It is easy in many ways to be conformed. It is harder to be transformed.

I love the idea found in the word transformed. God has created us in His image. The problem, however, is that our experiences and relationships have caused us to be conformed to a different way of living. It is a way that is not aligned with God’s plan, as opposed to what God intended. When we are out of alignment, things do not go well.

One way to rewire our minds is to do what Philippians 4:8 says. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Do you get what is being said here? How we think changes everything.

We need to think about what is true. Search for truth and apply that truth to your life. Think about what is noble, e.g., what is good or excellent. Think about what is pure and not improper. In other words, refocus your thinking on what is good and right. In the process, we can rewire our minds to focus on truth. The result will be healing and focusing on God’s will for your life.

So let me ask you:

Where have you been affected by your negative experiences?
Where has your mind been rewired to believe the lies that have been spoken against you?
Where do you need to be transformed or have your mind rewired? Be specific.
What must you change to think about truth, and what is excellent? Take some time to meditate on Philippians 4:8 and how you can apply these truths to your life.

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January 13, 2023 · 7:56 am

Transition: Are you in One?

Robert Odom Ph. D.

January 12, 2023

Through the years, I have been through several transitions. At this stage of my life, I realize that I do not like change and transition. I can get comfortable with where I am and what I am doing. But inevitable change must come. Don’t get me wrong, I love to see change occur and processes move forward when I can control it. But there are times when I struggle with change and transition, especially when it is personal.

I recently met with a friend, and we discussed the idea of transition over dinner. Our focus was on church transition. But this discussion applies across the different types of organizations. The problem too often is that people resist change because of fear and, unfortunately, pride. As a result, too many stay beyond the time they should in some instances. There is a belief that the ministry or organization would be successful if we could do one more thing. It will reach the purposes needed and designed by God if we can have one more significant event. Sometimes we feel we will let people down if we transition out of leadership. If we had stayed longer, we could have succeeded. I know now that is not always the truth.

As I have thought about this subject, I would like to share some of my thoughts. First, when it is time to transition, I must pray and receive counsel from those who know me but are willing to speak the truth. In the transitions I have navigated, I discussed this with good friends. I tried to remain objective as I shared my story. Each one shared with me that they knew it was time to transition. This was a confirmation of what I was already feeling and surmised. The caution here is to avoid picking people who will say what you want them to. The people in my counseling circle did not fit this bill. They were honest and spoke the truth.

Second, have you lost the grace to lead? This is what I mean by this. Have you lost your joy and zeal to lead the organization? Have you become so discouraged that you no longer have a vision for the organization? These may be symptoms or signs that it is time to transition. Now, I am the first to recognize that sometimes in leading organizations, we lose our zeal and direction. Through retreats, time away, and counseling, the zeal is restored. But I am talking about an ongoing lack of vision and passion for the organization. You can love the organization but not have the capacity to lead the organization.

Third, are you able to add value to the organization you lead, or are you just a figurehead? How much time do you spend on the goals of the organization? Are you there to receive a check at the end of the week? Do you do just what is needed to get by? As leaders, we must be more than just one who receives a check at the end of the week. If this is the case, it may be time to transition.

Fourth, we can be afraid to transition for several reasons. We can be fearful of what the future will bring us. This has been my fear so often. After all, I like to control things. I have been amazed that when I step out of my comfort zone to make changes, I have been provided for in some amazing ways. I cannot say that we were not worried at times, but God always provided for us. Each time we transitioned, God opened unimaginable doors.

Fifth, our identity can be wrapped up in what we do and where we serve to the point that we cannot see ourselves doing anything else. This is, in essence, pride. Having our entire identity wrapped up in what we do can be unhealthy. It puts us in a place where we believe that the organization rises and falls on our presence. We certainly may be a key part, but if the timing for transition is right, the next person will succeed in leading the organization to the next level. It is not about us.

Finally, there is a passage in Scripture that speaks to transition. I fear using it as it is often misused and overused, but it is still valid. “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). Do you hear what is being said? When you are in transition, God has plans for you. It is a good plan. It is one that He will use to provide and care for you. So, if He is providing, do not fear. Do not worry about the future.

So let me ask you:

Are you feeling that you are in a transitional period? If so, why do you think that way?
Have you lost your zeal and vision to lead the organization? Have you taken some time to rest, renew your spirit, and seek counsel?
Are you afraid to transition because you do not know the future? Why is this? Is it fear or pride?
Do you have friends that can be honest with you? Will they speak the truth about your position? Who are they? Please make a list and contact them.
How does Jeremiah 29:11 speak to you? Does it give you hope? Why?

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Tagged as Fear, Jeremiah 29:11, Organization, Our identity, Pride, Transition

January 5, 2023 · 11:44 am

Are You Okay?

Dr. Bob Odom, Ph. D.

January 5, 2023

As we begin a new year, I want to talk about a subject that is getting more attention, which is a good thing. Recognition of mental health issues is an important step forward. For too long, we have avoided discussing mental health, and those needing help have missed opportunities to do so.

One of my favorite sayings is that it is okay to be okay. It is equally okay to admit that you have an issue and seek the help you need. Between Covid, the Flu, rising prices, the rise in the attention on crime, and other issues, we have seen an increase in mental health issues. It is my opinion, and the opinion of others, that we have yet to see the impact of Covid and being quarantined for that period.

If you are having a mental crisis, increased depression, and anxiety, it is important to get the help you need. Getting help may start with sharing your feelings with someone you can trust. Sometimes talking these things out can begin the process of healing. This is critical because we have often been discouraged from talking about our deficits. There is a fear that people will look at us differently. And unfortunately, that has been the case too many times.

That leads me to our discussion. For the one witnessing someone struggle mentally or emotionally, we can ask, “Are you okay?” Or “how do you feel?” The key to asking this question is to be ready to listen to the response. Unfortunately, too often ask such questions but are not interested in the answer. We are too busy. We are too afraid of the emotions they may be exhibited. We are too quick to try to solve problems rather than listen.

I can remember being asked this question, and as I began to share, I saw the person across from me become distracted. Their eyes began to glaze over. In truth, he did not want me to share; it was just a formality on his part. This experience made me think about how I respond to people when I ask them how they are doing and how I respond. Do I want them to answer the question honestly, or do I want them to reply with the standard answer, I am good?

The Bible is the source of great truths. One of those truths is that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). This applies here. Being quick to listen means we pay attention to what is being said. It means asking follow-up questions to get the person talking and going deeper into what is afflicting them. Listening does not mean that we are thinking of our response or trying to figure out how we will counsel them. Too often, this causes us to miss important cues that reveal much about the person.

When someone shares where there are mentally or emotionally, we do not have to have answers. What we need is to show empathy and love. The fact that they are sharing is critical. We show love by listening. We guard against making the discussion about us and keep it focused on the person talking. Too often, we begin to share our war stories, but this can cause the person sharing to shut down and stop talking. There may be a time to share our story but give time for the person to share before we do that.

Finally, do not judge the person. Too often, we can minimize what the person is going through, but this can make them feel small and inconsequential. We can make them think that what they are experiencing is unimportant, leading to them shutting down and causing more tension and anxiety.

Questions to consider:

Are you a good listener? If not, why?
Do you become distracted when others share what they are experiencing? If so, what can you do to change this?
Do you feel pressure to solve problems rather than listen to what the person is saying?
What questions can you ask to clarify the person’s feelings?

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Tagged as empathy, Its okay to be okay, Listening, mental health, questions

December 1, 2022 · 11:19 am

The Wilderness Experience

Dr. Bob Odom, Ph. D.

December 1, 2022

One of my favorite passages in Scripture is Deuteronomy 8:2. “And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart.”

A wilderness can be defined as a place of the unknown. It is a place of uncertainty. The wilderness is that place where we are in transition and question what is next for us. It is the in-between place of where we have been and where we are going. It is a place where we encounter rugged, harsh places. I am not sure about you, but I would not say I like the wilderness. But the wilderness journey is a necessary one.

Why is it necessary? It is essential because it is where we understand more about ourselves. It is noteworthy that in the passage above, we see that the purpose of the wilderness is to understand what is in our hearts. In the wilderness, we learn that we are impatient. It is hard to wait for the unfolding of God’s will. We learn how much we try to accomplish things independently in the wilderness. Conversely, we learn how much our faith in God is needed in the wilderness.

In the wilderness, we can sometimes feel we have lost everything. There have been times when I have been obedient to respond to God’s calling and enter a time of transition. I have begun to wonder if I have genuinely heard God’s voice in this transition. I have been made aware that not much is happening at the moment. The doors are not opening. Promises have not been kept. Things can seem lost.

But, in the wilderness, we can miss what God is doing because we look into the future rather than living in the moment. In the wilderness, we can miss the provision of God. Or better yet, we can complain about His provision because we want something different. Living in the wilderness, we can become discontented with the daily provisions of God like the children of Israel. We can become bored with what God has given us.

I do not like the wilderness for several reasons! I want action. I want to move forward! I want to know where I am headed and what the future holds. I do not like the unknown. I like order, and the wilderness creates dissonance where the truth and reality I live in are tested. The wilderness comes along and turns my world upside down.

But, I have learned that the wilderness is not a bad thing. I understand my heart better in the wilderness—emotional issues surface. Our emotions are most often symptomatic of spiritual matters. I realize that my impatience is an effect of my lack of faith. It is also a sign of my desire to accomplish more than God’s will.

In the wilderness, I struggle to trust that God is hearing me or working for me! I know He is, but it is hard to understand He is! I learn patience as I do not know how long the journey will last! I have been here before, and each time in God’s timing, He has led me to the promised land, or at least my promised land! Sometimes it is an hour, a day, a week, or even a year.

But like the Children of Israel, I can easily forget what God has done. I can forget that He provided food. He kept my clothes from wearing out. He has given me food to eat. He has protected me from the enemies around me. He has given me leadership and people around me who love me and care for me. In the wilderness, He has drawn me into deeper worship.

In the wilderness, I learn to submit my will to His! We have been taught this, but it is easier said than done in the wilderness. I want to help get answers in the wilderness, so I am tempted to help God out. I am tempted to open doors God never intended to open. I am tempted to manipulate God’s purposes.

So, if you are in the wilderness, be patient. Enjoy the moment. Live in the present and look at the beauty of God all around you. You might be surprised by what you see. Several years ago, my car broke down, and I had to walk home. In the slowness of that journey, I saw things that had only been a blur when driving in the car. I saw the beauty around me that I never saw before. So, in the wilderness, look for the beauty of God and experience His grace and mercy to the fullest.

Questions for you:

Are you in the wilderness now? If so, what is God teaching you about yourself?
In the wilderness, can you see the beauty around you?
What emotions are being revealed that need to be dealt with?
How is your ability to be patient in the wilderness working out for you?

The Wilderness Experience

Dr. Bob Odom, Ph. D.

December 1, 2022

Questions for you:

Are you in the wilderness now? If so, what is God teaching you about yourself?
In the wilderness, can you see the beauty around you?
What emotions are being revealed that need to be dealt with?
How is your ability to be patient in the wilderness working out for you?

Leave a comment

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Tagged as Deuteronomy 8:2, faith, In-between, Living in the moment, patience, Provision of God, Wilderness

November 17, 2022 · 9:52 am

What Do You Question?

This may seem to be a strange question, but it is a necessary one. My wife and I have had this discussion several times. Growing up, we were not allowed to question anything, or so it seemed. Well, at least it was not encouraged. I remember my parents telling me to do something, and I would respond with, “why?” Of course, as you might guess, their answer was because I told you to. My answer to my kids too often was that it is just the way it is. Just do it, don’t question me!

Too many of us have been taught not to question authority, rules, or why we do what we do. We are told directly or indirectly to believe what is being said and not question it. Believe the authorities on the issues. Believe the teacher. Believe the pastor. Believe the politician. Trust your heart. No questions, just submit. Now I am not suggesting a rebellion or not honoring those who have knowledge about specific subjects. However, we need to understand what we believe and why we believe it and be able to defend that belief.

So, let me ask you, why do you believe what you believe? Have you studied and discovered the truth for yourself, or do you accept another’s opinion simply because they are the authority, “the professional,” or have the corner on the market of a specific truth? My point is that we need to research and ask questions to define our beliefs. In doing so, you may be surprised at what you find in your search.

I lived with my grandmother until I was six years old and visited her during the summer from that point forward. She had several sayings that she presented as truth. Do not swallow watermelon seeds because a watermelon will grow in your stomach. Get in the bathtub if a storm comes. If your nose itches, someone is coming to see you. If your ears are red, someone is talking about you. Hiccups are growing pains. As a child, I accepted these things as truth. But as I grew older, I understood that these things were tales and not based on truth. Her mom told her, and she told me. There is a good chance that her mom’s mom told her, and so on.

With that said, let me observe where we are today! What is posted on Facebook, Twitter, Tick Tock, and other social media may not always be true! I know that is hard to believe! I am sure you have received an email or a Facebook post of a regurgitated news article. The names or dates may be changed, but the same information has been circulating for years and has been proven wrong.

It may also be hard to believe, but media outlets present their biases and slant their presentations to that bias. This includes conservative, liberal, or independent media. All have a bias and therefore sway the truth to their thinking. Political and religious leaders also have specific biases which guide their conversations and what they say to the public.

My point in asking why we believe what we believe is that we live in an environment and culture that asks big questions. It is no longer acceptable to say that is the way it is. Just accept it. This culture is asking why, and because there is so much information, they want solid answers. They want answers that stand up to scrutiny and debate. They also want us to say I do not know the answer but let us discover it together when we do not have answers to their questions.

How different would things be if we had a grip on what we believe and why? This may mean that we need to explore answers for ourselves. We need to explore what we believe and not be afraid of asking questions and getting counsel from those who know this area. It may even be advantageous to get an opposing view so that you hear from both sides of an issue. Looking at opposing views has helped me clarify what I believe and why I believe it!

As I have done this, I have found that we are not too far apart in our beliefs in many cases. My theological background is eclectic. I have attended Pentecostal/charismatic churches. I have attended Baptists churches. I have developed connections with Catholics, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, and many other denominations. I have also developed relationships with those who have no religious affiliation. From them, I have learned much about my doctrinal positions and have discovered more about what I believe and why. This has not been negative but positive. I am now more convinced than ever about what I believe. In the areas that I still struggle with, I am still exploring. And by the way, there are some things that I may not fully understand, and it is acceptable to say I do not know.

I have written this as food for thought and your consideration. I know I can get pushback from this discussion, which is okay. My point is that I want us to be the best example of truth we can be. Sometimes the truth surprises us and may even leave us bewildered. But truth must be attained. After all, the truth sets us free (John 8:32).

So:

Do you have beliefs handed to you by a parent, the church, or the media but have not understood or adopted them as your own?
Are there truths you hold that you need to check out to affirm the validity of that truth?
Have you considered talking with someone who holds a different view so you can get a different perspective? This is not necessarily to change your belief but to understand how others view things.
I know politics are a hot topic, but what political views do you hold to without properly vetting these views?

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Tagged as Biases, Question Authority, truth, What do you believe?

November 3, 2022 · 1:02 pm

Creating Healthy Work Environments: Reducing Trauma in the Workforce!

We have spoken about toxic environments before, but I want to add to that discussion today. This discussion will apply to all kinds of organizational structures. This will include churches, businesses, volunteer, and nonprofit organizations. The goal is to reduce stress and increase healthy input and productivity.

For organizations to reach their potential, leaders must develop an environment where those within the organization are supported and valued. Team members will want to succeed and take ownership of their assignments when supported and valued. When a team member is not supported or valued, issues arise. Members can begin to think that what they contribute does not matter. And they will not work to their fullest potential.

There are many ways to support members that do not cost much money. Encouraging workers and team members go a long way. Provide incentives for good work. Give extra paid time off. Celebrate positive achievements. Give room for suggestions and ideas. Consider these ideas and find ways to implement the good ones. This gives ownership to the people in the group. And without saying, recognize the people who have good ideas. Don’t take credit for someone else’s ideas.

Most people do not like to be micromanaged. Micromanagers mean well, but in the end, they can cause insecurities and mistrust within the environment! Trust the people to do the job. Do not be a helicopter boss. If a team member needs to improve their ability to meet the requirements or work to the required level, provide instruction and additional training. Do so gracefully and lovingly. The goal is to grow the person and not just discipline them. Talk about improvements. Let them make suggestions and, where possible, use those suggestions. Afterward, follow up and communicate periodically with the team member. In some cases, the leader may need to consider other areas of work or different assignments that fit better within their skill set.

Working with team members not meeting the task requirements will also build morale. Nothing is worse or more frustrating than having a team member not pulling their weight. This person would be sidelined in the sports world until they can improve. I am not suggesting that these team members be sidelined but that they receive additional training and an explanation of the goals and expectations of the job.

Poor communication and a lack of vision cause issues. Poor communication will be the cause of many organizations’ low morale. I encourage over-communicating the vision, purpose, and goals of the organization. Nothing is worse than inadequately communicating goals, process changes, and assignments. This can lead to confusion, nonproductivity, and inadequate use of human resources.

Once communicated, changes must be shared. I spoke with some in one organization who said that one problem is that the goal line keeps changing. They head to the goal line only to find that it has moved. Or, worse, the goal line has been completely relocated to another field. The point is that they get frustrated. They can only finish one task after another priority or goal is put in motion. This can develop apathy and discouragement in the workforce.

Communication and vision are critical components to the successful implementation of organizational goals. “Without a vision, people perish” (Proverbs 29:18). A vision not communicated is unfulfilled. “Write the vision, make it plain so that the one who hears can run with it” (Habakkuk 2:2). The vision should be understood, communicated, and written so that team members can implement it. Nothing is worse than having a vision that cannot be communicated succinctly or enacted because it is too complicated.

One final thought is the unwritten rules people are expected to live by. Every organization has policies and guidelines and a set of unwritten rules. Other times what is communicated corporately is different from what happens. For example, a church I was on staff often said they were friendly. In many cases, this was true, but after researching and asking newcomers to the church about their experience, I found this was not always the case. People who were not connected to someone in the church before they attended felt that the church was not as friendly as communicated. The positive is that we met with key leaders and discussed ways to change the environment to match what was being communicated. Unwritten rules may include time off, open-door policies, dress codes, etc.

As leaders, we must choose how we will lead. Will we dominate those we lead, or will we develop an inclusive, integrated, and growth-oriented organization? Will we address the unwritten rules or let things remain the same? It is our decision. It is our choice. Our actions will determine the environment and character of those on the team.

Questions for consideration:

Are there areas in your organization where communication can be enhanced?
What can you do in your organization to show support and value to team members?
Do you micromanage those you lead? Why do you think you do this?
Are there team members needing to be confronted about their performance? What precisely will you do to make this a success?
How can you improve communication in your organization?
What are the unwritten rules that need to be addressed?

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Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Communication, micromanager

Life on the edge

Death and the testing of our faith

Do You Want to be Healed?

Rewiring the Mind Part 3

Rewiring the Brain: Part 2

Rewiring our minds!

Transition: Are you in One?

Are You Okay?

The Wilderness Experience

What Do You Question?

Creating Healthy Work Environments: Reducing Trauma in the Workforce!

Bob’s ramblings

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