Learning to Say NO!

Bob Odom, PhD, GC-C

Last week, I wrote about the power of forgiveness. This week, I want to talk about how my past led me to become a people pleaser.

Yes, I said it. For most of my life, I was a people pleaser. It is not easy to admit, but it is true.

I wanted people to be happy with me. I was afraid of failure and worried that people would not love or accept me. Deep inside, I feared that if I made a mistake or let someone down, they might stop caring about me altogether.

Let me explain how that came to be.

As I shared last week, I grew up with an abusive stepfather. When I was twelve years old, I moved in with my biological father, whom I had not officially met until that point.

To tell the complete story, things had become so difficult at home that my stepfather’s sister came one evening, packed my bags, and took me to live with her. During the following year, she helped arrange for me to move in with my father. At the end of the school year, I packed my bags once again, met my dad at the local junior high school, loaded everything I owned, and moved from Texas to Mobile, Alabama, where I had been born.

Life was better there, but it came with its own challenges.

My father was a good man, but he was stoic and rarely talked about personal matters. Looking back, I realize that I spent many years trying to earn his approval. When I felt I had fallen short, I simply worked harder and tried more. Without realizing it, I began to measure my worth by what I accomplished and by whether others were pleased with me.

That pattern followed me into adulthood.

By most standards, I was successful. I became a leader early in nearly every position I held. I served as a Business Operations Manager for Grumman Aerospace and later pastored four wonderful churches. I served on Mission ministry boards, helped to start a Christian school, a major food pantry that now serves at least 4 locations at this time. Yet despite those accomplishments, there was always a voice in the back of my mind pushing me to do more, achieve more, and make sure everyone around me was happy.

What I failed to see was how much my need for approval was driving my life.

The problem became especially apparent when I found myself trying to please two different people at the same time. To satisfy one person often meant disappointing another. No matter what decision I made, someone was going to be unhappy. I had become trapped in the false belief that it was my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

Over time, God began bringing healing into this area of my life. One moment, in particular, stands out. A boss once asked me to stay late and work overtime. I already had a family commitment and could not stay. For the first time in my life, I simply said, “No, I can’t stay.”

What surprised me was what happened next.

I did not explain myself. I did not offer excuses. I did not feel guilty. I simply stated that I could not stay.

And do you know what happened?

They said, “Okay.”

That may not sound like a significant moment, but for me it was life changing. In that brief exchange, I learned an important lesson. I could say no and still be respected. I could disappoint someone without losing their acceptance. I could establish a healthy boundary without carrying guilt.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that we cannot make everyone happy. No matter how hard we try, someone will eventually be disappointed. When we spend our lives chasing the approval of others, we surrender our peace and often lose sight of who we really are.

The Apostle Paul addressed this struggle directly in Galatians 1:10 when he wrote, “For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Paul understood that our highest calling is not to gain the approval of people but to be faithful to God. I missed that for years. I was trying to be faithful to God and at the same time trying to get the approval of others.

Our worth is not determined by the opinions of others. It is found in understanding who we are and whose we are.

Today, I still care deeply about people. I still want to help others and be a source of encouragement. But I no longer feel responsible for keeping everyone happy.

That is a burden I was never meant to carry.

Perhaps some of you can relate. If so, know that it is okay to say no. It is okay to set boundaries. And it is okay to stop carrying responsibilities that were never yours in the first place.